August 31, 2005

Tom Cruise is Totally Fucking Nuts "When I was languishing in prison before being sent to exile, [Katie Holmes] used to send me notes hidden in the collar of her pug dog." "I really would have preferred being a brain surgeon or a research scientist in this life." "[Brooke Shields] was the mistress of Sigmund Freud, you know. Is it any wonder she promotes his discredited theories? She's so confused." ...and other pearls of utter in(s)anity... sorry, seems like a slow day, thought this might cause mirth...
posted by es el Queso 19 years ago
  • It's amusing but it's also a hoax.
  • it is?
  • Well the Daily Record is a bit of a rag, but even they'd think twice about printing something totally made up about a doubtless litigous celeb. And I see nothing in the story that stretches credibilty - who hasn't conducted correspondence in incarceration via pet accessories?
  • Tom Cruise has slammed false allegations which claimed he believes he is a reincarnated Scientology prophet. The Hollywood actor was alleged to have said he has lived several times before and has currently been re-born as a prophet destined to spread the teachings of the Church of Scientology - of which he is a devout follower. A hoax 'interview' quotes Cruise as saying: 'I only took my present form because Bingodulla, whom all Scientologists worship as the Supreme Thetan, selected me to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, the uninformed masses.' In the fictitious 'interview', Cruise is also reported as saying he had dated current fiancée Katie Holmes in a previous life, claiming she visited him while he was 'in prison'. Furious Tom has denied the claims insisting the 'quotes' are the work of internet hoaxers, determined to ridicule his belief in the sci-fi cult. Last night (24.08.05), a spokesman for 43-year-old actor said: 'This interview is a total fabrication. Tom did not say those things.' BOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Well... I'm sure he THINKS these things anyway... I still believe Queso... I BELIEVE!!!! (He's still freakin' nuts.... Cruise... not Queso...)
  • I once sent quidnunc a love letter tucked into the anus of a wild mink.
  • mmmmmm.... mink anus.....
  • I was that wild mink in a previous life. You sick fuck.
  • Indeed mct - and may I complement the romance of the gesture - and do we not often find notes in pigeon holes?
  • /collapse
  • And I was the letter. *shudders*
  • oooh! a letter for me? and it smells like mink!
  • are you guys talking about... a-mail?
  • Unsolicited commercial a-mail, wot's more.
  • I love you guys.
  • But I don't want to be exposed to mink anus!
  • We're sisters under the mink.
  • In Russia, mink anus mails YOU!
  • I dunno about you guys, but when I use a-mail, I always have a problem with attachments.
  • *passes Fes the a-mail lube*
  • I have tried Stuffed Mink Tract Protocol but find POP (Pigeon Orifice Post) more reliable.
  • I want to get with Bingodulla.
  • I know it's got my name on it, sir, but I really don't want to open it.
  • Woah, woh, woh third rate rodents vole-vent rendezvous. *twang*
  • This thread is truly asinine. get it? get it? hey, that bottle almost hit me!
  • I'd like to thank you all for not mentioning beavers as suitable vessels for illicit correspondence.
  • I want make a comment about how Tom Cruise is only as crazy as Mel Gibson, but already the thread is about sticking things into mink asses. This one took less than a half hour. Good job guys.
  • /sound of Mel Gibson nailing a mink to a cross.
  • derail: tomecruiseisnuts.com on topic: I fail to see what this has to do with the new Mike Glaston movie "The Mailing of the Mink Anus" in which Toby Crip plays a diamond thief in love with Quidnunc's Krisp cereal.
  • Monkeyfilter: is about sticking things into mink asses Oh shit, I wasn't going to say things like that.
  • Is this where I come to discuss anal minkage?
  • /collapse
  • Pardon me, are you here for the minute mink massage, or the one-hour martenizing?
  • I mink you're an asshole
  • Minkeyfilter.
  • Excuse me, did you say minkey?
  • I have tried Stuffed Mink Tract Protocol but find POP (Pigeon Orifice Post) more reliable. Have you tried IMAP (Internal Mink Anus Protocol)?
  • The whole lot of you are completely nuts. (which is why I keep coming back here...)
  • Monkeyfilter: Is this where I come to discuss anal minkage?
  • This mink anus fixation is entirely scatological. Heh? HEH? SCAT-ological? Meh.
  • But back on topic, I'm disappointed if the article is a fake. It would go far to support my theory that Tommy is the new Wacko Jacko.
  • I wrote to you Via a weasel's wazoo You sent your reply In a sparrow's brown eye
  • And in a bizarre but true coincidence I just heard the leaves rustling out in the backyard and spotted a weasel in my tiny patch of downtown Beijing! Can't see where it left the parcel though.
  • Time to sift the letterbox.
  • Monkeyfilter: The whole lot of you are completely nuts.
  • Mustelid analgrams Polecat, fisher, wolverine, marten deposit mail with musky fartin'. Ermine, ferret, tayra, sable bring the post while laying cable. Minks and weasels, badgers, otter letters reek like house of slaughter. Oh bliss! If only notes would come from a perfumed poodle bum.
  • Lovely. *wipes tear*
  • *golf clap*
  • Brilliance. Pure brilliance.
  • YAAFM (flash animation)
  • I'll summarize: 1) The religion is fake because it's silly and because it was created to make L.R.H. rich. 2) People such as Travolta and Cruise join because they're gay.
  • Y'know I'd never thought of Travolta as gay. /derail
  • Maybe not, but I suspect he was a baboon in an earlier incarnation. Or maybe this one.
  • Wait, Katie Holmes could act?
  • Zing!
  • Don't anyone tell Quiddy that she's going to be a stay-at-home mom -- he might go into fantasy overload, and never come back. On second thought...
  • That picture of Tommy is truly ghastly. It's a cross between 'Look at what I did, mommy' and 'I haven't moved my face since I was caught in that mine fire'.
  • Dayam Capt., you had your Brutal-O's today!
  • Liquid Brutal-O's, poured over XTREME CRUNCH Brutal-O's, and set on fire!!
  • Daaaaaaamn!
  • That is a deeply frightening picture of Thomas. He sooo looks like Liberace!
  • It looks like someone pasted a picture of his face over his face. Pass me a can of Decaf Brutal-O's. I need some more vitamin B.
  • pardon the analogy, but he looks like he just caught a fish.
  • Fantastic comment here.
  • I've admired that since it was posted. It is, hands down, the most fascinating comment about a bullshit celebrity photo I have ever encountered in my life.
  • Ditto. That's more about Tom Cruise's teeth than I ever imagined I'd know.
  • This photo shows the 3 incisors, with the huge middle one, very clearly.
  • Operation Clambake has the infamous "come out of the closet" episode of South Park for download.
  • I dont know about that show "South Park." Sometimes it seems like they're just delibrately trying to shock us or something!
  • Audible gasp!
  • Also it's interesting how this birthing process - like so much of the female reproductive cycle - was proscribed by an old white guy.
  • I sincerely hope Katie Holmes' response to those signs while in labour consists purely of loud and hearty cursewords.
  • Well, at least he's not expecting her to just remember.
  • Ya can't trust wimmen, y'know.
  • Reminds me of when I was living with a very anal guy who for a while started putting nagging yellow post-it notes all around our house. "Make sure the door closes all the way on the way out!" "Turn out the lights when you leave the room!" That kind of thing. Then he left a post-it on a tray of ice cubes in the freezer reading "God does not refill ice cube trays." (No joke.) I took a few ice cubes, didn't refill the tray, and left another post-it note: "God doesn't write annoying little notes." The post-it notes stopped the next day.
  • Yes, I once lived with a post-it-note writer myself. He'd disappear into his room for weeks and those little yellow reminders we're the only communication I had with him. That didn't last too long.
  • I got in late to this thread. I would just like to add this: Tom Cruise is totally fucking nuts.
  • I'd like to second the 'hold his nuts' suggestion. maybe he can channel those screams for her... seriously, tho I hope the pain and wonder of childbirth knocks that girl out of the...whatever she's in right now, and she screams her pain obscenely in tom's face and takes her baby and gets away from stupid nutty faux-religious whackbrains.
  • Tom Cruise has ruined Steven Scott Wheatley's sex life. Wheatly is "disabled" and "anxious" and unable to continue normal "marital relations" with his wife". The poor man.
  • Third-degree. That means dry, crumbling black stuff. Ouch.
  • You know, I think of the tumult and rampant comments associated with the haircut thread and, y'know, I stand by my thoughts that it wasn't too big of a deal. This, on the other hand, is a big deal. A big, burned, blackened and charred deal. What was the stunt coordinator thinking?
  • Why did the stunt man agree to go through with it?
  • "It's either gonna be a boy or a girl." Well, that's a relief.
  • "I'll eat the placenta!" On preview: damn you roryk!
  • he was joking odd that we both linked to the daily mail
  • True, given that there were at least 3 other sources. Maybe we both were "in" on the joke.
  • Why would he eat Katie Holmes' placenta? He doesn't even eat Katie Holmes... What. Whaddaya lookin' at?
  • Placenta makes for good stew meat. Some chicken broth, coupla bay leaves, some rutabaga, potato, mebbe a few carrots and onions, half a bottle of Guinness, some cilantro... Also? Cold placenta sandwiches. With mayo.
  • Mmm.
  • Suri? Who had 'Suri' in the name pool? Suri Cruise. Suri Cruise. I'm going on a Suri Cruise to St. Maarten. Suri. Odd name. Are they suri it was the right pick? Or are they suri they chose it already? Poor kid. Every time she goes somewhere touristy, she'll be looking for little licence plates or pencils with her name on it, and will be disappointed again and again and again. I mean, on top of the regular disappointment with being Tommy's kid.
  • Cruise: I will eat the placenta For the record, Cruise was merely acting. As many of us already suspected, the Werzog will be eating the placenta...and Cruise will like it.
  • you, suri, lend me money!
  • While Suri could never be a Sir Suri, I suppose she's still up for Dame Suri. Not as appealling, but still. Major Suri. General Suri. Admiral Suri. Captain Suri -- kid has a future in Star Trek, at least. Or what if she married a guy with a last name of Nam -- she'd be Suri Nam! Ha! OK, that was dumb, I admit.
  • Chicks and geese and ducks better scuri ...
  • If she married Mr T, she'd be Suri T.
  • of course, if she gave me money, rather than lending it, she'd be suri generous...
  • If she grows a mullet, she'll be... the Suri with the fringe on top!
  • what, like the town in England?
  • Sigh. No, like the song.
  • Oh! Oh, like when you add water to a dry substance like dirt or concrete for example in order to make it transportable via ramps & channels!
  • "When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be Will I be pretty, will I be rich Here's what she said to me. "Que Suri, Suri, What L. Ron wants, will be, So be quiet, little baby, Que Suri, Suri What L. Ron wants, will be. "When I was young, I fell in love I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead Why all these rainbows, day after day Here's what my sweetheart said. "Que Suri, Suri, I'm here for your dad, you see Him in his tighty-whities Que Suri, Suri Have got me homoerotically. "Now I have children of my own Grown in a vial and a dish of Petri The ask: "Will I be handsome, will I be rich?" I tell them tenderly. "Que Suri, Suri, Handsome you will not be With your grandpa's front teeth three Que Suri, Suri Poor little baby of poor Katie..."
  • I'll put you to bed in the nur...Suri! My love for you'll be more than cur...Suri! 'Til your bones lie to rest in the os...Suri!
  • *snarfs coffee on the laptop* thanks Cap'n.
  • Paramount to Cruise: okay, buh-bye.
  • They say you can get away with anything as long as you're making money for someone in Hollywood. Thing is, his movies still seem to have done quite well: Mission Impossible III War of the Worlds So, while I'm sure his weird behavior has given the studio pause, I suspect that his hard-ball negotiating tactics are as much behind this as anything: Slate article Still, no question he's a wacko and I've not too much time for scientology nor for personal attacks by idiots.
  • Meaning Cruise's attacks on psychiatry and Brooke Shields, of course.
  • *sheds a tiny little tear for the batshit one*
  • *suspects the cheese man is not quite sincere*
  • *also wishes to eat smoked duck with the cheezer*
  • Is that some kind of pervert code?
  • I was attacked by Scientologists on my way out of the Bison game I saw last night. I guess Triple AAA ball is a fertile field for them, I suppose. We now return to the the topic at hand, already in progress.
  • Paramount concurs: Tom Cruise is totally whacked!
  • THERE IS A GOD!!!! oh, and smoked duck is yummy
  • (the irony being that the announcements were on the same day....)
  • Mr. meredithea likes to listen to right-wing talk radio (he thinks it's funny, I think it raises my blood pressure... anyway.). Oddly, the guy filling in for Michael Savage (feel free to Google him, I don't want to give him a hit on his site) was really standing up for Cruise, talking about how he was never political (as public figures should never be) and was never "un-American" unlike Sean Penn or Harrison Ford. The guy went so far as to call Cruise "clean and polite." Since when is Cruise the darling of the right wing? (my I'm feeling parenthetical today!)
  • The guy went so far as to call Cruise "clean and polite." Hehehehehe. Tee hee.
  • Sumner Redstone's wife was behind the sacking because she was infuriated by his anti-post-partum-depression comments.
  • You don't know the history of Sumner Redstone's wife. I do.
  • You're being glib, pete. I think that Cruise is having post-Paramount depression, and we should all pray for his recovery. That man is a Xenu-send!
  • New deal with Dan Snyder, eh? Perhaps Tom will coach the Redskins next season--that will be entertaining.
  • Isn't Dan Snyder still in Twisted Sister?
  • That's what keeps it twisted.
  • Suddenly Tommy-boy is all contrite and apologetic and shit towards Brooke Shields. Whodathunkit? He's still not getting his job back with Paramount....
  • "He came over to my house and gave me a heartfelt apology," the 41-year-old told Jay Leno's Tonight Show. Must be weird to be in a profession where a lot of personal acts are also professional ones. But then, actors' souls are owned by teh debbil.
  • Or Xenu.
  • Heh.
  • Well played H! *looks for lube*
  • Mr. Cruise is also demanding “the immediate and complete withdrawal” of the Mission Insertable butt plug... Well played!
  • Sorry quid. But it's not too late.
  • What Tom needs is his own Movie Studio. Cruise/Wagner Productions to run United Artists.
  • Dress Up Tom Cruise! (flash, I think) Fun!
  • Who do you think is more stupider, Bush or Tom Cruise?
  • Who do you think is more stupider, Bush or Tom Cruise? Yes.
  • Trick question. Lindsey Lohan!
  • The Cruiser Raps With Teh Scooter (halfway down the page)
  • Never mind. Nothing to see here. Move along.
  • Ooh, I remember reading the comment in question, and finding it fascinating, but I had no idea it caused such a big stink!
  • I can't *quite* get a grasp of it - were they claiming that someone's offspring had certain interesting physiological properties, although said offspring's photographs have been published already?
  • It was a fasckinatin' comment. Good times. Good times. *gets misty for Ye Olde Internets*
  • Could somebody email it to me? It wasn't just the bit about the teeth, was it?
  • I can't *quite* get a grasp of it A member of MeFi who's a doctor had put forth a very interesting hypothesis about a celebrity whose name rhymes with "Mom Bruise" having a serious genetic condition that he was trying to keep under wraps. Said doctor based this on photos of Mr. Bruise, along with some public personal history factoids. Said genetic condition could have easily meant birth defects for Mr. Bruise's child, could even have led to miscarriage or stillbirth. It was an utterly fascinating comment, one of the most interesting single comments ever put forth on MeFi, and it was destroyed the second Mr. Bruise's lawyers found out about it and contacted the site's admin, one Mr. Pat Zowie.
  • On preview, yeah, it was the teeth thing.
  • Ah. Thanks, mct - so it's only coming to the forefront again because someone was slow in discovering the thread's deletion, then?
  • It's happened a few times now. Someone remembers the comment, goes back to reread it, discovers it's been scrubbed, then goes to MeTa to complain that it's been scrubbed. Then there's a minor hullaballoo, and the MeTa thread usually gets scrubbed too. Rinse, repeat. From a couple of the comments in the current thread, I'm guessing the original author of that comment wishes to God he'd never written it. Which is kind of sad, in a way.
  • Especially considering it was fairly innocuous. IIRC it was presented as a casual observation.
  • I'm having trouble with this. Dom DeLoose? Strom Thurmoose? Bomb Hormuz?
  • a casual observation A damned insightful and educated casual observation. Seems it struck a major nerve!
  • No, no no... it's Saddam Abuse!
  • Dave's not here man!
  • So, does Tom Cruise have gorilla crabs?
  • oh that's very interesting. I remember reading that thread back when it first went up. I had no idea it had been pulled! jesus, some people are so touchy!
  • We have always been at war with Oceania.
  • Skrik, who said anything about Tom Cruise? We're talking about your mother's contusion man!
  • That's strange; she hasn't mentioned him.
  • ix-nay on the uise-Cray! Ah yes, we'll 'ave the, ah, watch ready for you at midnight! The watch! The Chinese watch! Right! bye bye! . . Mother
  • Tom Cruise reads Metafilter?????????????????????
  • You don't know the browser history of the Cruiser.
  • Tom Cruz iz in ur metaflitr, deleting ur psots.
  • I dunno, Nathan Lane seems gay to me.
  • My dentist's college roommate did Mr' Bruise's teeth.
  • The part where it begins to look like quonsar is the duclod man is the funnies thing I've read in months.
  • Are you saying that the duclod man had a fish in his pants?!
  • Tom Cruise reads Metafilter????????????????????? Apparently. Heh.
  • Q: Why did the duclod man put a fish in his pants? A: I hope you choke on a bucket of cocks.
  • Q: How many duclods does it take to skin a cat? A: My bum hurts.
  • Q: How many duclods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: NASCAR gives me an erection.
  • Two duclods walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, are you two together?" They both say, "Nope."
  • I dunno. That story creeped me the hell out.
  • Likewise. Q: How many duclods can live in the same house? A: One girl in the attic, and one boy in the cellar.
  • Q: How do duclods like their eggs cooked? A: In Mickey Mouse egg rings
  • Q: What the hell is a duclod? A: .
  • A: the made-up word duclod as the fusion of two words, dual and closeted, meaning a person who hides his or her sexuality from both gay and straight people. That doesn't exactly clarify anything.
  • So, dew-clod or duke-lod?
  • Or do-clod is possible too, I guess.
  • Dull clod. Shame they couldn't find and stop the guy that sent the letters, but otherwise I somewhat regret giving the whole thing any brain space. Sarah Aswell should totally move on, seriously.
  • Heh, I was saying dew-cloe.
  • Fascinating.
  • Wow. Thanks for that link, fish tick. The original story was so disturbing, and left me wondering so deeply what kind of person would write those letters. The resolution of the author's quest is so sad, and equally disturbing.
  • OK, though. Something's still bothering me. How did he find the gay/bisexual students to begin with?
  • I was wondering about that, too, and have two theories: 1. Keen observation of students at the doughnut shop 2. He sent letters to many more students, only the actual duclods acknowledged the letters The ways of the autistic mind can be astounding and misunderstood - maybe he was able to see some related trait that mere mortals cannot?
  • This comment might help to explain it.
  • Random sampling.
  • Doing a little q-baiting over there, Koko? Good on ya!
  • Someone had to step up to the plate.
  • This comment might help to explain it. Maybe, but then why did straight people receive letters too? I'll stick with the random sample.
  • Now that this Duclod story has played out in our Tom Cruise thread - - I cannot help but to visualize Duclod man as Dustin Hoffman.
  • Wow. Fascinating.
  • Why does the name "Chillee Ugum" seem so spooky and horrible to me? Just the words give me the creeps. Any insights, monkeys?
  • It does to me, too, Lara. It sounds like a name a child might make up for the Boogeyman. And I just can't stop wondering - does the "Tabular Turtle" have some kind of basis in reality? Maybe it was a logo, or a sign, or some object he saw that was vaguely shaped like a turtle with two tails, and somehow translated into his mind that way. Or maybe it came out of his head wholecloth.
  • Chillee Ugum sounds like something from Lord of the Flies. Yes, creepy.
  • From now on I'm referring to a certain somebody as Chillee Ugum. As in, "Is it just me, or does Chillee Ugum play the same character in every fucking movie he does?" Or, "What's your most unfavorite Chillee Ugum movie? Mine's COCKTAIL." Or, "I'll tell you an impossible mission -- convincing me that Chillee Ugum is a competent actor." Or, "Have you looked at Chillee Ugum's teeth? I mean, really looked at them?" I invite you to join me.
  • If you do that, HW, it make take the sting of terror out of the name for me, eventually.
  • Chillee Ugum sounds like an Elmore Leonard character.
  • If you do that, HW, it make take the sting of terror out of the name for me, eventually. I dunno, Lara. Chillee Ugum has some seriously dead eyes. I mean, I can hear thetans screaming to be freed from their abysmal depths.
  • Cruise-Holmes not amused at would-be porn star using Katee Holmes as name. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...
  • Watch as the ChillKat follows the classic Chillee Ugum strategy of suing the fuck out anyone who dares take one's name in vain.
  • *does a sign-of-the-stress-test*
  • Travolta, who also talks of his habit of going to bed at 6 or 7 in the morning and waking in the early afternoon, says being famous has little impact on how he lives his life. "I will tell you the things that would be the same, fame or no fame," he says. "Being up all night would be the same. Liking empty restaurants, liking empty movie theaters — unless I am starring in it." Firm grip on reality there. Unless you really think the third-shift jobs are the good ones.
  • HW, every time I read about something new Chillee Ugum is up to, I die laughing. Nearly choked on an ice cube just now. (ChillKat...heeheeee!) Thank you :)
  • *bows*
  • And it's a banner day for news about the ChillKat! According to Product-Reviews.net (HA!), Mister Ugum's lovely wifey Katie is preggers with #2! Other sources say "nae"! Also, a prediction: Hayden Panettiere will be Chillee Ugum's next wife. (He's picked someone 11 years younger than the previous one each time. Mimi Rogers, b. 1956; Nicole Kidman, b. 1967; Katie Holmes, b. 1978; Ms. Panettiere, b. 1989.)
  • Once again, We Lead The Way.
  • SCORE!
  • I sense a new meme about to metastasize.
  • I was wondering if the German government was ever going to go through with that.
  • Those wacky Germans...first it was the Jews, and now the Scientologists.
  • They're not the only wacky ones...
  • Two comments to Godwin!
  • Poor Chillee.
  • Germany: Chilly to Chillee.
  • Didn't some Nazi officers hide in Chillee after the war?
  • Either there, or under Koko's petticoats. New olde-timey product name idea: Chillee Ugum's Otter Bile.
  • I'm not sure I'd want to flea under Koko's petticoats.
  • ))) !! Beautiful work, TUM.
  • Wow, very nice TUM!
  • I dare everybody at the next meetup to wear "Chillee Ugum's Lemon Scented Otter Bile" T-shirts.
  • I accept. Now pick up that gauntlet.
  • Splendid idea, TUM. In all honesty, that would make a damn fine T-shirt. Blue/Charcoal-colored shirts with that fantastic and eye-catching design would be the envy of all...
  • So how does one make that happen? Cause that t-shirt would be Wingolicious.
  • TUM: I bow and spit otter bile in your general direction!! Lovely.
  • Instead of comping this out, everyone who feels like making a design can sell it through Spreadshirt.
  • Like this.
  • It'd be quite the conversation starter. And finisher.
  • Well, though the German government still views CoS as a dangerous cult, it seems the report cited above was not true and they're all too happy work with Chillee's money. Kidding of course. Good on them for knowing the difference between the brainwashers and the brainwashees.
  • You could make the argument that Chillee Ugum is a big part of the effort to harvest brains to wash.
  • This is an excellent point. Keep it on the down-low man, he can hear us!!!
  • You know what's really totally fucking nuts? We have over seven thousand monkeys, that's what. Okay, so perhaps this isn't the right thread for this, but I just noticed. Damn.
  • Most of us are fake though. posted by Zep at 04:01AM UTC on July 03, 2007 That is still a lot of us. Chillee Ugum's Lemon Scented Otter Bile doesn't hold a candle to Crunchy Ranch style. I think we should just add The in front of all celebrities.
  • I think we should just add The in front of all celebrities. Perhaps The Tom Cruise or perhaps one of his entourage is already a Monkey. Or a Monkee. You realize, what would be ideal is for us to get 7,707 monkeys by 7.7.07. So hope to it! (or brachiate as the evolution moves you).
  • Director of The Lives of Others says that Chillee's movie would "improve Germany's international image than 10 soccer World Cups could." Well, yeah. Germany winning the World Cup for the next 40 years would piss a lot of people off...
  • Here you go, Ralph Yay!
  • Well, who isn't?
  • Homeless people, for example.
  • Well, if the Star says it's true...
  • Disappearing link, Hawthorne. Did you do that on purpose?
  • Yep.
  • I just got here- someone fill me in. Thanks
  • Kamus... we think Chillee Ugum is battier than an over-loaded belfry. Some of the news stories to back it might be fake, but it's still evidence enough for us to pile on and point out other couch-jumping lunacies.
  • Well summarized, cheeseball. And kamus, a stroll through this thread'll give you more than you want to know!
  • I just re-read the whole thread and I really really think TUM needs to make those t-shirts. I want one. Bad.
  • Yep.
  • sign me up for one!
  • (i'd be glad to help, TUM... we need to spread the message of Mr. Uggum and his lovely Lemony Scented Otter Bile far and wide!)
  • Well summarized, cheeseball. And kamus, a stroll through this thread'll give you more than you want to know! Yeah well the extremely cursory stroll I performed certainly did that, hence my plaintive plea for an abstract. OK, because I'm lazy.. or hello?!- might have a an actual life?!, unlike you internet time wasters, (OK, I'm lazy) I'm confused and don't want to read more, so riddle me this: I get that Tom Cruise is connected somehow with the duclod weirdo- are we contending (even if not seriously) that Chillee and Tom are one in the same? And is Tom's lack of sanity something that anyone questions at this point? Though you do gotta hand him his talent for landing hot babes How does otter bile figure into this? And how can I get me a shirt? If I can't get a shirt, I'll settle for the bile- I could use a new flavor. Also, TUM is awesome!
  • Also, I played for Leslie Uggams a couple of times and to be honest, I couldn't account for her whereabouts 100% of the time.. I wonder... hmmm..
  • Looks like I killed off another thread. It was like this at high school parties too.
  • are we contending (even if not seriously) that Chillee and Tom are one in the same? We just decided to call Tom "Chillee Ugum" because it's a creepy name, and Tom's kinda creepy. It's kind of stuck. The genesis of "otter bile"? I forget. But does it matter?
  • it was probably some sort of riff on owl semen.
  • They're gonna need a lot of Scienos to buy up all the copies of that one. heheh Seriously, fuck that Scieno dickhead.
  • Scieno? You Ozzeridoos have to have a different word for everything.
  • I think I got that from derogatory posts on Usenet, back in the day. Most Australians haven't heard of Scientologists because that would involve reading, which involves having eyesight not deranged by alcohol intake.
  • Reading takes time that could be put to better use drinking. Bartender! Another round!
  • Excuse me, waiter, there's a Scieno in my soup!
  • I believe that some nice soul tried to help me with my unnatural fear of the name Chillee Ugum by using it a lot in a funny context to take the creep factor out of it. And it has. And I'm glad. Can I get my Otter Bile shirt in Pine Fresh Scent?
  • Amongst the titillating and alleged tidbits: Suri Cruise was conceived using frozen sperm from dead Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Morton likens the littlest Cruise to the Rosemary's Baby offspring. Scientology head David Miscavige ordered a wildflower field planted because Cruise expressed a desire to run through one with then-wife Nicole Kidman. Kidman's "lukewarm" feelings towards the church, her insistence on remaining a Catholic and the fact that her father is a psychologist all contributed to the break-up of the marriage. Cruise is the No. 2 power in the church. A former scientologist is quoted as saying that Miscavige and Cruise "were like glue, two little people who really enjoyed each other." David and Victoria Beckham are the next recruitment target for the church. You just can't make this stuff up.
  • No, it would be waiter, there's a Scieno in my clam chowder. Get it? Huh? :D
  • yes, Hank, but discretion, valour, etc...
  • ugh, mrs chillee ugum is on leterman tonight. wonder what claptrap she'll spew?
  • she looks plasticized.
  • Ugum would be pr. you-gum. Uggum would be pr. Ugg-um. WHICH IS IT MOFOS?????
  • Speak English, dammit!
  • Never mind, found my decoder ring. *smooches Hank *runs away
  • /blush
  • Get a room.
  • i have said it before, and i find it to be totally reinforced after watching this video (thank you veddy much HW, TOM CRUISE IS TOTALLY FUCKING NUTS!
  • -CURTAIN-
  • Okay! So we have here a thread that has proven its hypothesis, is finished, and needs no more comments! Now, let's do the same for the 15,287 other threads out there!
  • Good idea, am I right?
  • *smacks decoder ring Nope, not working. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MAN ON ABOUT? I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND MORE THAN FIVE WORDS!
  • Tonight, on "Unsolved Monkeyfilter Mysteries"...
  • One other thing I don't understand: Why don't the "Mission: Impossible" people sue the Church of Scientology's ass off for using their music to leverage their cause?
  • Cruise is going to single-handedly destroy Scientology, and I love it. He's a cack-handed dimwit who knows fuck all about anything and isn't afraid to demonstrate.
  • The only thing I got out of it is that because he's under the spell of Scientology, if he sees someone in an accident, he'll fly over and wave his magic hands over them. We can always do with another superhero.
  • Wait wait wait . . . I thought the Catholic church had the monopoly on truth, peace, unity, etc. ?? *searches through PlayBill*
  • Not one bit of information on anything: just platitudes. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
  • Messiah complex, anyone?
  • No thanks, I'm trying to give them up.
  • RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!
  • I'm canceling that in my area.
  • TMI
  • God, I can't stand Mark Morford. Another 1,500 words of NOTHING SAID and NOTHING FUNNY.
  • Argh. To save anyone else the trouble - wayyy upthread, Wolof linked to an insightful Metafilter comment which has since been deleted. here's a cached semi-synopsis of the comment in question. Anyway, I only came here to say that Tom Cruse is NOT totally fucking nuts. Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise Crazy.
  • The original comment, reposted elsewhere on the web (If I type it small, they won't see it.)
  • WAAAAAAAH!!!! Chillee Ugum MAD!!!! Some horrid old stoners decided to name a strain of marijuana after him and now he demands Scientaction!
  • Haha!
  • BTW, the picture accompanying the article is priceless.
  • Queso FTW for "Scientaction".
  • I'd pay with actual money to see this trainplane-wreck -- TOP GUN II. Article has next-to-no info. Clearly, my ego is writing cheques my clicking-finger can't cash. (But shurely, the sequel would have to being with Maverick flying rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong?) And I bet Mav likes his ladies "cocky" indeed... Hiiiiiii-waaaaaaay through the -- DAYN-JAH ZONE!!!
  • Slightly more info from the ever-useless AICN. Which quotes the Sun. And I thought the volleyball scene wasn't nearly as gay as the post-shower standoff in the locker room, but what do I know?
  • At this point, not even Topper Gun can save Chillee. Bring it on, but I ain't watching.
  • New Rocky Horror? But that kinda defeats the purpose of the whole thing, IMO.
  • Paramount on Chilee and TGII: no way Sorry, Capt. waaaaaaay!
  • Excuse me, Chillee. Everytime I see this thread pop up on the side bar, I twinge just ever so slightly...
  • The pattern is full, I guess. Damn. I've lost that lovin' feelin'.
  • But they could do a TGII with Maverick's and Kelly McGillis' love child, and the son having to struggle with the same paternal issues as Maverick did, as Mav was shot down had engine failure over Panama, and then the kid would be at Top Gun, and Iceman would be an instructor who totally had it in for the kid simply by being Maverick's son, and then they'd come to a reconciliation when the kid gets sent to do a risky mission bombing WMDs in Iraq, and then they'd grease up and play beach volleyball happily ever after.
  • Here's my $9.50, Cap'n.
  • A film noir Robocop? Fuck yes.
  • I have the feeling that your story is about 1,000,000,000,000,000 times better than anything the studio would come up with, Captain.
  • And it'd never be clear if Mav was dead or not, and then just as we're about to hit the closing credits, you'd see the back of Mav's head in some Venezuelan torture chamber, instilling some hope in the viewer and greasing the way for TGIII.
  • And then in TGIII, they'd send the son to go and bomb the place where Mav was being held, only the son wouldn't know it because the information would be all classified and shit, and then he'd find out because he was sleeping with Iceman's daughter, though Iceman himself would be walking around the house a lot in only a towel, and the son would be all conflicted between duty and love for his father, and then there'd be a big dose of deus ex machina which means the son got to rescue Mav without actually having to face the conflict he feared. But, of course, the third movie of the franchise would stink, all the more so because we don't care about all that emotional shit.
  • Capt, perhaps you could start a collaborative group-writing thread to fill in the missing scenes?? Though, I am quite enjoying your extraordinary rendition thus far.
  • And then in TGIV, they'd push things too far by having Mav go back to teach at Top Gun, and restart his rivalry with Iceman, and Mav Jr would have gotten too expensive for the franchise to rehire, so he'd be 'out on a mission' or something and Icemanette would completely disappear without any explanation whatsoever, and basically, TGIV would be a rehash of TGI, only thirty years later, and it'd just be this lemon party waiting to happen. So to save the franchise, they'd go for TGV, being a prequel to the whole thing, focussing on Mav's dad Duke Mitchell and Tom Skerritt's character back in Vietnam, which would be totally awesome. Duke would be sent in to bomb this village, only he didn't want to kill innocent civilians, so he manufactured a dogfight with MiGs to avoid the whole thing, and then, of course, be shot down, with all the information classified, and no-one would know what a hero he really was, not the villagers, not the son, and the Navy all ticked off because he disobeyed orders but was really right to do so. And then he might not be dead, either, but held in the Hanoi Hilton, with everyone all swarthy with sweat and stuff, with huge gay S&M undertones. And I don't know about a new thread, but anyone's welcome to jump in....
  • Capt, perhaps you could start a collaborative group-writing thread to fill in the missing scenes?? Though, I am quite enjoying your extraordinary rendition thus far. Just make sure you don't get too metaphorical about ghosts, or somebosdy's bound to complain. (Although, there are definite possibilites for the word "bombazine.")
  • Not enough Kelly McGillis.
  • i totally agree we should start a Top Gun slashfic thread to satisfy the Capn's Maverick Ugum desires... it would be cheaper than therapy.
  • I always identified much more with Iceman. Read into that what you will.
  • No love for Goose? C'mon, the man died of a brain tumor on ER!
  • I think Cappy's been at GramMa's G+G-T. (Obviously there's some homoerotic love for "Iceman in a towel"). Therapy, rehab, you'll be fine :)
  • Are we talking 90s Iceman or 00s Iceman? Because 00s Iceman in a towel is not something that gets me terribly excited, I must say. Now Iceman in Top Secret, that would be super exciting.
  • Did you see Tropic Thunder, btw? He was pretty goddamn good in that. As the crazy rich guy. Seriously, though, I thought he was hilarious.
  • Yes, agreed, he was surprisingly good, MCT... but it is confusing. Is he in on the joke?
  • I don't actually think that the whole flying to the other side of the country to walk his wife to work is crazy, that's a husband trying to keep his wife onside. If you were rich you would do that too, if you were trying to keep your wife onside.
  • Did he fly in a plane?
  • Honestly, when I first read it, I thought "gee, that's kinda romantic." But then why announce it? Why show off what a great husband you are like that? In summary, what Hank said.
  • What time do you leave in the morning, cappy? *books ticket*
  • Holy carbon footprint!
  • I saw Tropic Thunder this weekend, and thought Cruise was great in it. How could he not be in on the joke? Did you not see that dance at the end? If he doesn't get an Oscar nomination, I'll eat my shoe! p.s. it is a licorice shoe, so either way it's ok
  • Be careful.
  • Indeed.
  • It's up to The Academy to save me from licorice poisoning. Don't let me down, Oscar!
  • Tom Cruise wants to sing. I don't know where to start the not-gay jokes. I really don't. (Not to make crass generalizations about the gays and musicals, but -- you know.)
  • Album 1: They Call Me Chillee
  • and then, Album 2: a duet with Leslie, Ugum and Uggams Again!
  • Voodoo Chillee (Slight Return)
  • I remember the big hit from that album - "Otter bile do when you are far away..."
  • I'll take ten!
  • TUM is, indeed, a MONSTER!! Rrrrowwwr! I can smell the musty jacket... hear the crackle and hiss in the background as Chillee croons...