November 20, 2005

Thirty Facts about Chuck Norris

Reminiscent of this post

posted by flying_w 19 years ago
  • Chuck Norris could so kick Vin Diesel's ass.
  • It's funny how internet tides resurface. This has been going around my office this week. Some of the top 30 for Vin and Chuck are the same. Has anyone checked out the Mr. T ones?
  • Yeah but I bet kittens don't masturbate when Chuck Norris kills god... It was finding that phrase that finally convinced me of the inherent unpredictability of the future, and hence the existence of free will...
  • I can't tell you the level of ennui I'm experiencing at the lack of a list of the top 30 facts about Steven Seagal.
  • CHUCK NORRIS FUCKING RULES
  • "RULING" used to be known as "CHUCK NORRISSING" until some panty-waist english teachers made everybody change it.
  • #Planettoughtful: here's much more for this demigod. Dedicated website, no less.
  • I can't stop giggling at this factoid from the Vin Diesel page: There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.
  • Guy 1: "The Tomorrow Ninja? The fuck is the Tomorrow Ninja?" Guy 2: "That means, that means, that means... he kills you tomorrow, but you die today, see? So, say you die today, you just drop over dead today, you're just walking along today, see, and you just drop over completely dead. Well, you sure as hell know Steven Seagal killed you tomorrow. He's the Tomorrow Ninja, for sure." Guy 1: "Shit, my man Chuck, he can kick you so hard in the head, yeah, that your grandaddy and half the congregation at his church will die. I heard he kicked this guy once, and his whole neighborhood was buried the next day. Government covered it up, why you never heard it on the news." Guy 2: "Huh. Seagal, he got this move, yeah, where he, like, he grips your... like just with his hands, right... he grips and... and then there's this twist thing... and, anyway, he tears off both your arms and beats 9 other people to death with them, in a convenience store, just cause you're taking too long to pay for your squishy." Guy 1: "Yeah? Well, The Chuck, he's got this punch that, like, only he and this one other bad ass mofi who lives on a mountain in Tibet - I think his name is Richard Gere, or some shit like that - know, right, where he can just concentrate, and punch the air, just punch the fucking air, right, and your brain explodes on the other side of the country. And you don't even have to be on the other side of the country for it to work." Guy 2: "...That's some hell of a punch right there." Guy 1: "Better believe it. Ruin your whole day, having your brains explode like that." Guy 2: "Jet Li, though. He completely ownz Jackie Chan."
  • I met Chuck Norris at K-Mart. No joke. Well, by "met" I mean "laughed at" and "at K-Mart" I mean... at K-Mart where he was doing a book signing. He pulled up in a Pink limo. That is all.
  • How did his hair look?
  • ...on a scale of Donald Trump to Shatner.
  • MonkeyFilter: I can't tell you the level of ennui I'm experiencing.
  • I met Val Kilmer once, where by "Val Kilmer" I mean "Bill Clinton", and by "met" I mean "sent some threatening letters to". The SS were very understanding about the whole thing, and we even have Movie Night every 3rd Sunday. And, is it just me, or is there something outre about the fact that the Secret Service is actually called the Secret Service, in a Get Smart sort of fashion? [1] [1] May you rest in peace, Don Adams; you were too beautiful for this world.
  • For a minute there, I thought you meant the other SS... Achtung! *whizz* *bang*
  • Chuck Norris has something to say about all this.
  • A farewell to Walker. I'm trying to remain strong...
  • You know, I used to be a credit card fraud investigator at the bank where I work. Periodically we'd get inquiries from the FBI or Secret Service about fraud rings. I once got a voicemail from a Secret Service agent. So I called the number he left. And this receptionist answered and said "Secret Service, how may I direct your call?" How is that in ANY WAY SECRET? They should pick up the phone with "What's the password?" or something like that. It's not a secret anymore if you tell who you are!
  • Young Chuck Norris!!!...from the guys that brought you Lazy Sunday.
  • Chuck Norris 2.0 and wonderful Chuck T's.
  • Well, let me be the first to say- Fuck you, Chuck Norris.
  • Er... because of this: However, my hope is still out that Newt will jump into the race! Which I forgot to put in.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't believe in evolution. Fuck you, Chuck Norris. You may have fists, but my man Chuck D. has (a) a better beard, and (b) a posse. Straight up science, bitch.
  • M. Norris wasn't first in line when the good Lord handed out brains, was he?
  • Don't refer to Charles Darwin as "Chuck D." Chuck D can kick Chuck Norris' ass using only language.
  • Carlton Douglas Ridenhour can kick Norris' ass by looking at him dirty.
  • Well, a second civil war could be interesting. And I know many a Texan who feels the U.S. has been stealing their thunder ever since they gave up their Republic.
  • Fact 31. Chuck Norris took one too many kicks to the head sometime back in the 1970s.
  • He's never recovered from the trauma of having his chest hair ripped out by Bruce Lee.
  • Good. I could use the sleep.
  • "You don't find this Neanderthal; he finds you."