In "Lawn"

"I'll tell you the truth. I got p---ed because my lawn mower wouldn't start, so I got my shotgun and shot it," Walendowski said to an officer. "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want."

Then they came for the lawnmower-marksmen, and I didn't speak up because I use a weedwhacker, [...]

In "Austenbook"

Ugh! too perfect a concept!... I would read it through but the memories of those damn sentences so roundabout, petitely-pointed, and mannered... One key part of jane austen's appeal are the fleeting moments of straightforward diction. They happen when characters are away from the drawing room, in a moment where they are not plotting or insinuating or humouring guests but acting on long-held fancies. This effect is hard without trudging through the pages, simply because it requires more of the audience's time to read than watch a movie or read cliffsnotes plot summary or austenbook. The posted link is funny, despite the paragraph of aside above. It deals with the social maneuverings allowing Jane to write contemporary teen movies from the afterlife. I think I wanted to justify the time i spent reading Jane Austen by hyping her work. I know there are those who love her like a literary matriarch, but I am not of their persuasion. It is fate; my novel-reader gene predisposes me for philosophizing, symbolism, flawed narration, and moodiness, which will never be wholly in or out of style. Though Pride & Prejudice is hardly "realism" as currently defined, it fits the Facebook paradigm more neatly than my novelties.

In "The Questioning of John Rykener, A Male Cross-Dressing Prostitute, 1395: "

[...he] was staying at Oxford, and there, in women's clothing and calling himself Eleanor, worked as an embroideress; and there in the marsh three unsuspecting scholars - [... who] practiced the abominable vice with him often.
The scholars had either spotty knowledge of anatomy or a rather developed understanding of the Law and deniability. Reminds me of a passage from a poet contemporary of John Rykener - from The Canterbury Tales by Chaucer. Here's an excerpt from the Miller's Tale(or in original and Modern English) setting the scene for a dandyish would-be adulterer to kiss the arsehole of the other, successful adulterer, fresh from making it with the carpenter's wife:
[the clerk (Nicholas) felt that the dandy(Absalon)] sholde kisse his ers er that he scape. And up the wyndowe dide he hastily, And out his ers he putteth pryvely Over the buttok, to the haunche-bon; And therwith spak this clerk, this Absolon, Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art. This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart, As greet as it had been a thonder-dent, That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
Unfortunately for the butt-kissee, the -kisser is holding a red-hot poker,
And he was redy with his iren hoot, And nicholas amydde the ers he smoot. Of gooth the skyn an hande-brede aboute, The hoote kultour brende so his toute, And for the smert he wende for to dye.
The carpenter/cuckold arrives on the scene afterwards to much comedic effect. Seems that the chance of mistaken identity is more dangerous for the deceiver than the perceiver, no matter how willful or oblivious the latter can be. Or perhaps i just wanted to use historical/topical proximity to flimsily justify posting literary butt jokes. Either way I feel like a contributor. A poet buried in Westminster Abbey's solemn stones, despite having written the phrase "nether [e]ye" just cracks and warms up the cockles of my heart, making scrambled eggs.

In "Thou Shalt Not Blog if Thou Art Boring"

[...] Whereupon the Romans in the crowd stirred, and many asked "Have the Gods given us these strange people as caretakers, that they would nag us so?" And as it was the festival of the Bull, the crowd cried "Bull Stool!" and hurled the foulness of a nearby pasture at the men in strange hats and habits. [...]
To this day the event is remembered in popular curses, though it seldom involves its namesake manure, for lack of nearby farmland or some other millennial cause.

In "Cities sans signage"

The images remind me of a feeling i had watching this scene from Wild Strawberries. If I remember my trivia, the city block in that clip was shot by night and lit up artificially, for the dreamlike efffect it heightened.

In "Terrorists may be using American cheese to destroy freedom."

The funny part is that American cheese - the room-temperature-standing solid-vegetation-oil freedom-loving kind - is more insidious in this scenario, being that it could be feasibly stored by itself in a backpack in unrefrigerated conditions. A backpack full of bleu smells funny to the baggage handler - American, not so much. then boom goes the dynamite.

In "SMOKE SIGNALS. "

Being a mind-altering drug, doesn't cannabis innately increase the risk for those who may be genetically or historically predisposed to trouble managing their thought processes while unaltered? Similar to saying alcohol can produce pronounced promiscuity in the children of swingers... or maybe that confuses the issue. So be it!

In "Santorum Explains Tolkien!"

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said. "It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States." So in the third book of Lord of the Rings, the two hobbits Frodo and Sam are making their way deep into the heart of Mordor with the ring. A desperate final assault is staged against impossible odds to draw Sauron's eye away from the hobbits. If Iraq is that desperate final assault, the United States (where the eye should not fall) is equivalent to the questing halflings in a hellish land. What is the quest here? What halflings (perhaps a reference to the next generation of voters) must reach the fiery mountain (the high-growth states) and destroy the ring (the power of dialogue)? Although I think he means to cast the trrrists in the light of malignant goblins, orcs, ogres, and balrogs, then give them a centralized mind - a hive. A good narratorial technique - except when exploring the comparison confuses it immensely.

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