In "Meet Tuesday."

My dog seems to think I'm nuts. Sometimes he'll try to distract and calm me, sometimes he'll hide under the sofa till it's over, and sometimes he'll tell me to STFU and calm my ass down. "Enlightened self-interest" strikes again.

In "and in other news on not thinking things through..."

Obviously the daughter should have asked "Mom, was this CONSENSUAL?" If the answer was no, then beating the living shit out of him would have been the right thing to do.

In "Self-Help Hurts"

To quote the article: "They found that, paradoxically, those with low self-esteem were in a better mood when they were allowed to have negative thoughts than when they were asked to focus exclusively on affirmative thoughts." Seriously, what might we make of THAT? Could it have something to do with "depressive realism"?

But I really AM a loveable asshole!

In "Animals Preserved in Formaldehyde"

Does Jesus know about all those aborted fetuses?

In "A weblog about sexy witches."

By the way, does "nudity" count when it shows no nipples?

That looks very much like my "S.O." Which of course proves the WWW is a CIA plot against me.

In "Sam Harris Said WHAT?"

I see no reason to believe in any supernatural entity (God, ghosts, feng shui, etc.) and I am against every religion I've ever heard of (Methodism, Vodoun, Scientology, etc.), but I'm willing to entertain the idea of a neurological basis for acupuncture (now I'm wondering if my "plan" covers it). And I think Hawkins is speaking to high school kids since grownups don't need to be taught how to think about what they don't believe.

In "Madman Bush 'Has Accepted Ethnic Cleansing'"

(P.S. I keep reading that headline as "Madame Bush") Please, let's not insult brothel-keepers.

In "Six die from brain-eating amoeba in lakes"

"So let me get this straight, 6 Americans had their brains eaten by amoebas. How could they tell?" Hitler said so.

In "Bulletproof Halo Suit"

But wait, will this protect me against brain-eating amoebae?

I want one. My buttcheeks need more armor.

In "Chart toppers for your birth date. "

Frank Ifield - "Wayward Wind": The wayward wind is a restless wind A restless wind that yearns to wander And he was born the next of kin The next of kin to the wayward wind It figures. Naturally I've been struggling with agoraphobia most of my life. Wayward nothing, more like broken.

In "Bin Laden 'surrounded'"

Hey Ralph, can she cook? I might eventually get tired of ramen.

In "Just say no....to Canadian drugs."

Oh THAT rising loonie. It's not about a relative after all.

In "The last Jew in Afghanistan."

Named after this guy? Is he at all peaked? (I couldn't resist.)

In "Man Finds Human Leg In Smoker"

From the article linked to here: "Officials said that it is not illegal to keep body parts as long as it is for religious purposes." What's the connection? Is it like a saintly relic or something?

In "Why you can't call your horse Nutzapper."

What's all this about "obscene" names? How come nobody's tried to name a horse Hitler? The chances of that offending people are far greater, especially if she wins.

In "The last Jew in Afghanistan."

What I want to know is, with his Muslim neighbors, does he speak Pashto or Dari?

In "The Joy of Pigs."

There's no such thing as excess poop, merely poop whose energy potential has not been properly utilized. When it's processed and/or dried it burns rather well, for one thing.

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