October 08, 2005

Senator Simian Says Make Your Own Laws! Ok...it's really Senator Simitian, but I like the idea. What's your law?
posted by moneyjane 19 years ago
  • Never ever, bloody anything, ever.
  • Smoking and possessing marijuana shall become totally legal. However, making or playing music, movies or other works of art about marijuana shall become illegal. Use of the term "420" shall be punishable by death.
  • Little old ladies shall not hem and haw over lottery ticket choices and thereby not occupy the shopkeeper's time for more than 5 minutes causing other sundry shoppers fuming in line behind her to lose their fucking minds. Punishable by the traditional 'run out of town on a railway track'.
  • Death penalty for throwing a lit cigarrete butt out the window of a moving car, causing it to strike the roadway and explode in a shower of orange sparks, startling the poor bastard behind you.
  • Any attempt to purchase an SUV will result in sterilization and the death of your offspring.
  • Any person who, in any public place, causes, makes, or allows to be made from any portable, motor vehicle or any other audio equipment any sound above such a level that it can be clearly heard by a person of normal hearing at a distance of seventy five feet (75') or more from the sound source, shall have each audio speaker inserted forcefully into their rectum.
  • rectum, hell, practically killed him.
  • Fridays are now "Naked Friday".
  • Any man caught wearing sandals had goddamn better look like Hercules. Violators will be violently violated.
  • Second the loud music law, Roly. And I'd add that anyone caught driving a vehicle 'enhanced' with a loud muffler shall have said muffler rectally inserted, sideways, and that said vehicle shall be confiscated, crushed and sold as scrap.
  • Any such person or persons who stands in the alley behind an apartment building repeatedly yelling "Hey_____!" because they are too fucking lazy to go around front of said building to use the intercom, or use their cellphone to call the party within will be sentenced to their own 'party within' meaning they will be administered such a quantity of warm water and mustard, prune juice, Frank's Hot Sauce and cheap mescal as to affect them greatly and with much speed and force.
  • - No silly names for offspring. If parents can't come up with some moniker that will keep their child safe from public mockery, a random one will be selected by the Registry office. - Public displays of drunkedness, with excessive noise and violent disturbances on residential neighbourhoods, from 11:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m., will be punished either by naked flogging, inflicted by those awaken neighbours, or by 4-hour long seclusion on cell with loudspeakers blaring 'Baby one more time' in an endless loop, to start as soon as infractor gets hangover. If drunken person happens to be a Monekyfilter member* in good standing, punishment will be condoned by 40 hours of public service on local Hooters branch. * Excluding quidnunc. Sorry.
  • At age 17 and after taking a easy written test ; everyone shall be issued a Cambodian. Male or Female.
  • I live by the law of the bungle.
  • You may not wear "wife beater" t shirts if you have more hair on your shoulders than on your head. No ugly rat tail braids on men. The kind where the rest of the hair is short and they are "breaking the rules" by wearing a single strand with beads at the end. You look silly and you are too old for that shit. They will be forcibly removed if you do not cut them yourselves. Upon arrival to my neighborhood, overweight tourists will be required to either wear something that covers up their sunburned flesh or they will be furnished with mandatory, itchy, woolen overalls. The everyone past the age of 60 will require a mandatory test every five years to prove they can drive. The president and all members of congress will be required to pass a psychological test to prove that they are not insane.
  • Oh, and I am with the naked flogging thing. More of that. As a matter of fact, we should have random drawings. Should you win, you will be flogged au' naturel. You know you are guilty of something or other.
  • No politician shall earn a wage above that of the average worker in their country. No politician shall be given the job of running a country or doing a budget if they haven't run a business in the civillian sector without going bankrupt or running it into the ground.
  • Corporate heads shall from henceforth be limited to 100 times their company's average employee's wage. All monies collected by former presidents once they are out of office shall have a 50% tax rate. They owe their fame and fortune to the people and they should share their wealth with them.
  • Any Japanese ESL students who continuously make like cloud formations and drift aimlessly and slowly down the sidewalk in groups of five or more as to make any stragegic forward motion by anyone trapped behind them virtually impossible will have their access to super cute but bizarre cartoon figures and JPop severely curtailed for a period not to exceed one month.
  • 'strategic', even.
  • Anyone who is a billionaire must every year work for a week at McDonalds. Anyone who is destitute must every year take and pass a course in personal finance. Any government that runs a deficit, must cut public service wages beginning at the top until a surplus is reached. Any corporation losing money, must cut salaries and benefits beginning at the top until profits are restored. Any person who hates his or her job should be given an allowance to help find his/her true calling.
  • StoryBored: I'm first in line for that last one. Afternoon naps are mandatory after age 25 whether at work or not. Especially at work. That's PAID afternoon naps not to consist of less than two hours snoozing time. Then the employer must hand out milk and cookies.
  • Anyone who is destitute must every year take and pass a course in personal finance And those who fail will be forced to pay large fines.
  • You shall drink no wine before its time. Oh yeah, and stop spending more then you collect for fuck's sake!!
  • than even.
  • Every year, seven virginal youths shall be selected at random from the city's population, and they will be sent naked into a specially constructed labyrinth in the bowels of a nearby island. Frightened and anxious, they will make their way through the pitch-black maze and, after long hours of groping their way in the dark, growing ever more hungry and scared, they will suddenly emerge into the brightly-lit amphitheatre at the centre of this vast subterranean construction. As their eyes desperately try to become accustomed to the glare, they will see me, the quidnunc kid, dressed as a giant courgette, wearing a jewelled crown and surrounded by hamsters, playing easy listening hits on a white grand piano. OH MANDY / WHEN YOU CAME AND YOU GAVE WITHOUT TAKING / BUT THEN I SENT YOU AWAY / OH MANDY Then they can go back home.
  • The government can not initiate any new spending venture unless the public first presents a signed petition asking for it. To be valid, the petition must contain both a reasonable budgetary expection and a breakdown of how the money will be obtained, either by spending cuts or by tax increases.
  • As their eyes desperately try to become accustomed to the glare, they will see me, the quidnunc kid, dressed as a giant courgette... Please stop scaring the monkeys.
  • All cats shall hereby be required to install and maintain, at their own expense, an RFID tagging system. Each hair on said cat shall be tagged, and should this hair become detached, said hair will be immediately tracked and deposited in a closed and centrally located receptacle. Should this procedure not be stringently followed, and a hair or multiple hairs be subsequently found in the soup, pasta, oatmeal or turducken of any primates also present in the home, the punishment shall be as follows; The cat to which the errant hairs belong shall be sentenced to sit motionless in the corner and stare fixedly at the walls for inexplicably long periods of time. What? Oh. Bastards!
  • Every year, seven virginal youths... Didn't LeGuin originally write that? "The Ones That Walk Away From Omelets," I think it was called. Something breakfast-themed like that.
  • White middle-class suburban kids who dress in gang colors, listen solely to gangsta rap, and use gang slanguage will be taken out of society and placed in reeducation camps, where they will be forced to listen to hair-metal bands 24/7.
  • Also, non-white comedians who do imitations of white people will be spanked hard on the heinie.
  • I believe you're thinking of Philip K. Dick's "Do Androids Dream of Electric Crepes?" I know I do.
  • those who espouse a particular belief or allegiance to be randomly tested and assessed (e.g. if you claim to be buddhist, you can be tested on your level of enlightenment; if you wear a manchester united t-shirt, you can be asked for match statistics going back 25 years). failure to score sufficiently will be punished in an ironic way to increase the number of bizarre stories in the newspaper.
  • The beatings will not stop until morale improves.
  • " Also, non-white comedians who do imitations of white people will be spanked hard on the heinie. " Unless they do it really well. ( Eddie Murphy's " Mr. White " or " I Think I'm Ted Kennedy " )
  • Assholes like us will be flogged for posting their absurd, pain in the ass, know it all opinions about other people on the internet.
  • Thought about you Monkeys and this post on the way to work at 4:30 am. Thereottabealaw--damn gas stations have to sell gas at $2.99. NOT this $2.99-plus-a-hair crap, that makes you think you're not really paying $3.00, but really IS $3.00, but the actual cost posted in two decimal places. Quit jerkin' our chains anymore than you have to, Big Business. And then lower the damn gas prices so I can fill the tank on less than a day's wages.
  • All mimes shall be cleansed from the earth on general principals.
  • Oh stop picking on headmasters - they do the best they can, for fuck's sake.
  • By a comely maiden of virtue shall my hog be daily serviced. Be it so amended that the servicing shall be hourly.
  • Police cars exceeding the speed limit will be required to run their blue lights. Violators will pay $500 and spend ten minutes with me and my taser -- you know, that non-lethal, harmless tool of police enforcement...
  • 64 year-old black American men shall be beaten to a pulp by police officers and then charged with ironic offences such as "public intimidation" and "resisting arrest". Ooops! Too late!
  • Waitwaitwait -- we can't remain in bushes, shrubs, or foliage? How am I supposed to get my rough trade now?
  • Any society that demands that its citizenry obtain a "Large Group Feeding Permit" before giving food to the hungry -- and then limits those permits to two per year -- had better not turn around and also say that they are a "Christian Community", or claim to uphold "Family Values". Goddamn assholes.