October 05, 2005

Shark-Be-Gone In light of all this ocean hysteria among Monkeys - the shark attacks, self-impaling-and-impregnating giant squid, and now the gooey glowy things - here's some better news. Though it won't save you from giant balls of snot or an amorous Arcteuthis, it could make a shark think twice about bugging you in the water.

Originally tested here in my own back yard, I've seen it work. And it's pretty damn cool. Totally harmless to the shark and definitely keeps them away. The most obvious use would as a kind of bugspray for surfers and beach-goers to keep sharks away from humans (what would you call that anyway? "Deep Sea Off" sounds way too tame, I don't think they'd buy into that market. And "Cutter" is just asking for it). But other, more shark-friendly uses would be on deep sea fishing boats to keep shark by-catch at bay. Yes, we want to be friendly to the sharks. They have feelings too. I think.

posted by danapiper 19 years ago
  • You say that like there is a problem with having an amorous Archteuthis...
  • Immediately reminded of
  • Oh right, and there's the official site for the A-2 Shark Repellent. Which might be nice to include in the post. Yea.
  • Squid I never meant to imply that. There's nothing better in the world. Which is precisely why no one's working on a squid-repellent.
  • Really? *rubs tentacles gently against danapiper's piper*
  • Hee hee. That tickles! /blush
  • Thus Chyren connects the last three posts. That was a freakin' awesome movie.
  • I am a great fan of the conceptual continuity thing.
  • So, if just 0.1 ppm is enough to get sharks all a flutter, and this stuff is soon going to be ubiqitous in wetsuits, and stuff. At what point are going to so polute the oceans that sharks will have nowhere to go? Are we going to have oceans teaming with stressed out, buggy sharks?
  • Future chef Julia Child helped the wartime Office of Strategic Services (OSS), the forerunner to today's CIA, cook up repellents that would prevent sharks from prematurely detonating anti-submarine explosives. None of these wartime repellents was particularly effective. Burn!
  • Stretched out, baggy sharks? Time for some Lycra! ...or okra.
  • What about something to go inside a woman's vagina in case a shark tries to rape her?
  • oh and: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte. We'd just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half-hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that in the water, Chief? You can tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was that our bomb mission was so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. It was sorta like you see in the calendars, you know the infantry squares in the old calendars like the Battle of Waterloo and the idea was the shark come to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes that shark he go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those sharks come in and... they rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks there were, maybe a thousand. I do know how many men, they averaged six an hour. Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boson's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. He bobbed up, down in the water, he was like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist. At noon on the fifth day, a Lockheed Ventura swung in low and he spotted us, a young pilot, lot younger than Mr. Hooper here, anyway he spotted us and a few hours later a big ol' fat PBY come down and started to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb.
  • *rubs tentacles gently against danapiper's piper* Euwwww, tentacle porn.
  • *wonders if he too has a piper*
  • Batman VS Flipper? Whoever wins, we lose.
  • Your blowhole feels so good you cetean slut...sing my theme bitch.
  • What really works is if you put your hand up and down three times real fast then poke them in they eyes while going nuck, nuck, nuck. They hate that.
  • Not if the shark is Jabberjaw, BlueHorse, he loves it.