September 07, 2005

• No, let the shark go.
• Do Toyotas have a mild flavor, a soft texture that nevertheless remains well-defined after cooking, and a clean white appearance? I think not. Perhaps I don't know how to prepare them properly.
• Sharks should be free to kill humans. Humans should be free to kill sharks. Sounds fair, doesn't it?
• Let my people go!!!
• Damn you Chyren I was just about to go to bed and have sweet dreams. That idea is stuffed now.
• Do creatures who nibble on humans deserve to be killed? "Deserve's got nothing to do with it." --William Munny over a shotgun to Little Bill Daggett, "Unforgiven"
• Sharks are evil-doers and we must smoke them out. They can swim but they cannot hide.
• 
                                      "Candygram!"
  
• Hey ladies, I'm going to go out and kill a man-eating shark. Look how big my harpoon is. I am such a macho, macho man.
• Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged! Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" Oh, the world would be a much better place if all murder carried the risk of swift crippling anal violation.
• Would it EVER! Oh -- you mean as a deterrent. Nevermind.
• Isn't going into shark-infested water (Or at least water where sharks are known to loiter) the wetter equivalent of going into the woods wearing a t-bone suit? Anyhow, shark attacks have so... You know the rest.
• (Wow -- ten comments before the thread debases into jokes about buggery -- and bear-buggery at that. That's got to be a new record.)
• Crippling Anal Violation. Now there's a good name for a band.
• What's the origin of the phrase "Jump the shark"? It sounds a tad zoophilic, but I suppose that's just my inability to think clean thoughts.
• Oh, the world would be a much better place if all murder carried the risk of swift crippling anal violation. You're suggesting that sharks that kill surfers should be anally violated?
• un-: It's from a Happy Days episode in which a waterskiing Fonzie jumps over a shark.
• You're suggesting that sharks that kill surfers should be anally violated? Well, I sure as hell wouldn't want oral. (also: right, Happy Days, gotcha. How odd.)
• Humans and sharks should be allowed to kill each other, definitely. However, each should be armed with only with what nature gave them at them at birth. If you can't survive on that, well then, maybe you shouldn'ta oughta come into da house all frontin' and shit.
• Lisa: "Dad, you can't get revenge on an animal. That's the point of Moby Dick." Homer: "Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is; be yourself." oh, and... MonkeyFilter: carries the risk of swift crippling anal violation.
• Didn't know that about Happy Days. That's excellent. A vernacular reference that makes sense even when you don't take it literally. Particularly sweet pop reference.
• We're going to need a bigger thread.
• mmmmmm, battered shark breaded and deep fat fried goodness Drivingmenuts: I think ALL hunting should be done stark nekked using only the weapons at the end of their five fingers. Or a rock. A rock's good.
• The stupid thing is, I have actually jumped over a shark. I was swimming off the beach in Perth years ago, and this little blighter swims underneath me, I LEAPED out of the water and splashed back down as it hoved away. I think I may have actually shit myself, even though it was only 3 foot long. The shark, not the shit.
• Personally, I think Chyren jumped the shark when he changed his username from Nostrildamus. I keeed....
• Nostrildamus died, my friend.
• I never died, said he.
• Perhaps MoFi has jumped the shark with the onset of image tags?
• If creatures who nibble humans were all destroyed, then there would be no cheerleaders left. Not a world I would want to live in.
• Thank goodness for giant squid. Those hydrolic suckers are far more powerful than any man eating shark. C'mon, C'mon I dare you to swim anywhere near a Squid Ranch with the corral open.
• Hey, squidranch...your...um...corral is open.
• Sharks are overrated. Even if a shark is determined to kill you, the chances of you actually being killed (or even severely injured) are miniscule. All we hear about on the news are the attacks that ended in severe injuries or death - we don't hear about the thousands of times that people simply fought them off without incident. It really is amazing how much systemic ignorance there is in society around sharks. Most people who actually have dealt with a shark don't consider it a big deal at all. Fighting off a shark is not cause to go parading to the media about how you survived an "attack". Sharks are designed to hunt non-humans. Non-humans are not intelligent enough to successfully fend them off. Humans are usually smart enough to go for the nose and eyes - extremely easy targets even when held tight within the jaws of a great white - and therefore the whole notion of sharks being a danger to humans is somewhat preposterous.
• I'm a bit of a Darwinist when it comes to these things. I know that critters don't have the same reasoning capacity as (most) people, but still I subscribe to the idea that: If I were minding my own business and a bear comes along, I, being an omnivore am aware of the possibility of killing and eating him. Should I attempt to do so may result in the bear having none of it, and mauling me mercilessly until I am dead. I have to accept the possibility that, when my activities can be seen as a threat to an animal, that they will use their abilities to put the hurt on me and make me dead. If I were a shark, I would have to accept the possibility that something I attack would do the same thing: put the hurt on me and make me dead. Perhaps with a harpoon, perhaps with a whole bunch of friends out for my blood. I recall the recent post about the octopus killing the sharks. Of course, we humans are more intelligent and are capable of restraint. But it's foolish to deny that, under the veneer of civilization and humanity, we are animals who, when feeling threatened, or after having been threatened or attacked, have no compunction about putting the hurt on an animal and making it dead.
• Aquadome: two things enter, one thing leaves.
• Getting bitten by sharks is one of the risks of surfing, and one of the most minor ones at that. There's a chance of drowning too, but no one suggests taking revenge on the water. We don't chop down trees when someone skis into them either. This is part of Nature's process. Deal.
• Spacediver: Going for "the nose or the eyes" when "held tightly within the jaws of a great white" is a neat trick indeed! Take a look at the teeth: They are blades of destruction, natures masterpieces when it comes to cutting cutlery. They are triangular and serated, some of them even double serated, and they cut like razors as the sharks jaws tightens in a backwards slicing motion, built into their bite by untold generations of genetic trials and errors resulting in absolute perfection. There can be no question of "going for the eyes" with a Great White! Absolutely and definitively not! With some of the minor sharks in a managable size, say 3 - 6 feet, you probably could get the creature to release its hold, but with a Great White? No way, Jose! That said, and more "in thread with the thread", my own opinion is, that the sharks were there first! You invade their territory at your peril. A big shark lurking about in the waters of a popular public beach, however, poses a somewhat different problem, especially if he has had a taste of man-flesh. Who knows, he might like it, and find it easier to hunt than his usual prey. A case could be made for the destuction of the shark under those circumstances, but in general: Leave the shar alone, and he will most probably leave you alone.
• Worldwide, sharks kill about 30 humans annually, while we kill 30-100 million of them. [link] If there is any revenge killin' to be done, I think we oughta be on the receiving end. So uh, let’s just call it square.
• I think we should just dump a bunch of octopuses (octopi?) into the ocean and let them take care of it...
• Won't the octopuses be upset about leaving the trees?
• Ah...Nostril's back! Now i can die happy!
• Let's face it - if it's in the ocean, it's out to kill us. The dolphins are just biding their time, lulling us into a false sense of security.
• Best way to deal with the shark is dive right into the gullet, thereby avoiding the teeth. Then you can chew your way out, or go right for the poop chute.
• Sharks are overrated. Even if a shark is determined to kill you, the chances of you actually being killed (or even severely injured) are miniscule. I think you have a few facts confused here. If a shark wants to kill you you're dead. However, in most attacks it's clear that sharks do not intend to kill you. They just tasting. If you're in salt water, you're probably swimming with some type of shark. For the most part they ignore us. Once in a great while one will decide to find out if we're worth eating. They take a nibble and mostly decide we're not worth the effort. There are examples of sharks that serially attack humans. Early in the twentieth century there were a series of anomalous attacks on the coast of New Jersey that seemed to be the work of a killer shark.
• Oh by the way. If you're being attacked it would be more effective to turn the shark over on it's stomach than to go for it's nose. How to turn a great white over onto it's stomach is left as an exercise for the reader.
• I think you have a few facts confused here. If a shark wants to kill you you're dead. However, in most attacks it's clear that sharks do not intend to kill you. They just tasting. This is an empirical assertion that is based on speculation and fear, no thanks to the media portraying sharks as fearsome creatures. As I have said, you only hear about the attacks that end in injuries. It's as if an alien came to earth and was bombarded with information every single time a football player got injured, but was oblivious to the millions of times a play was made without incident. Only a minority of shark attacks are reported, and we form statistical assessments based on incomplete information. The only time people get injured by sharks is if they are completely careless, intoxicated, already injured (such as after a boating accident), or infants. The most basic human reflexes are more than adequate to deal with an aggressive shark (although if there are multiple attackers it can indeed be fatal).
• A good overview that contains actual facts.
• spacediver....bullshit. Unless you are talking about the man-sized reef sharks? Those - sure, I believe that minor attacks occur and aren't reported. Other than that, and especially with the great whites, the people who escape their clutches are those whose pictures with massive scars get pasted across the media. It is a killing machine period. There's no deflecting it, no using intelligence to avoid death. Survivors are just fucking lucky. If completely careless as you put it means swimming in ocean areas close to their known range, then that's correct. But drunk, sober, knife or raygun in hand are not going to protect you. Not tooooo sure about the shark repellent devices/chemicals. I sure as hell wouldn't like to be the beta tester. That said, the only fair thing would be have civilized battle -- I say bring the shark to a boxing ring and see how he goes under the Marquis of Queensbury rules.
• thx for the link rdr - great read. one thing though: Great whites are the most lethal to humans. Since 1876 there have been 254 confirmed nonprovoked attacks on humans by great whites, 67 of which were fatal, according to statistics see - this is exactly my point - there are thousands of people who fight off sharks every week yet don't feel it a cause to go showing off about it. They may mention it to family members or close friends, but it's not unusual to get into a tangle with a shark. These people get excluded from the statistics, unfortunately, and we build up a biased picture. peacay: It is a killing machine period. There's no deflecting it, no using intelligence to avoid death. Survivors are just fucking lucky. Oh I'm not contesting this. The shark is indeed a powerful and fine tuned killing machine. My point is that it is simply no match for basic human intelligence. Its vulnerabilities are unique to creatures with limbs that can flex and extend. Such creatures are not typically found in its natural environment and they have therefore not adapted to these threats. When a human gets into a tangle with a shark, no matter how big, then unless the human has both arms clamped down upon (hard to do unless on purpse), then it's a ridiculously simple matter to punch the nose or gouge its eyes. By careless, I mean flailing about carelessly while being attacked instead of harnessing your survival instincts intelligently.
• I've always said, that of all the ways to go, being eaten by a wild animal would be amongst the least ignominious. I mean, it's nature. As long as it was a proper predator, not just a badger in a bad mood... Good on the shark. we are not at the top of the food chain all the time.
• I forget which one, but there's another species of shark that attacks humans far more often than great whites. To give you the Aussie perspective - down here we get a few sharks you know - people seem to think, well, there are sharks out there, and the risks of shark attack are small, but the risk still exists. Doesn't stop people from enjoying the beaches, because there are few things as enjoyable as swimmin' in our clean waters. Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged wimmin.
• If I recall the Scripture correctly, if it wasn't for Noah's Shark NONE of us would be here today. But then you communists all stopped reading The Bible when Darwin told you that gay marriage was "groovy". Enjoy your homosexual lifestyles with your decaf lattes, sinners - there's no coffee in HELL.
• "..it's a ridiculously simple matter to punch the nose or gouge its eyes." Oh come on. I mean I like a good giggle like the next fellow, but I'm not drinking your Koolaid, if that's meant to be serious. Gimme some linkies to your fantasies please.
• there's no coffee in HELL But there are Lava Sharks.
• Lo, It is written in the Book of Levitishark that Joshark went forth into the land of Egypt and went unto the Pharaoh and said "tell me thy dream that THE LORD may make himself plainly understood, instead of really confusing and stupid all the time". And Pharaoh said, "I dreamed of a giant shark which had a head of gold, and a body of silver, and a dorsal fin of clay". And Joshark said unto him "Praise THE LORD! For it means that he will turn you into a giant jellyfish, with a head of gold and tendrils of silver and a penis of clay". And Pharaoh said "Oh OK that’s not too bad" and made Joshark Chief Shark of Sharkopolis in Sharkopotamia.
• Hmmm ... that'll teach me to look up bible verses on wikipedia.
• The flying monkeys were the scariest part.
• I dreamed last night of a river chase with swimming dwarf allosaurs. I blame Chy's illustration.
• Great whites are the most lethal to humans. Since 1876 there have been 254 confirmed nonprovoked attacks on humans by great whites, 67 of which were fatal, according to statistics see - this is exactly my point - there are thousands of people who fight off sharks every week yet don't feel it a cause to go showing off about it. They may mention it to family members or close friends, but it's not unusual to get into a tangle with a shark. These people get excluded from the statistics, unfortunately, and we build up a biased picture. Huh? The passage you quote says that about 25% of great white attacks are fatal. The people who live through great white attacks do not survive because they're smarter or tougher than the shark. They survive because the shark lets them go. Thankfully, shark attacks are rare events. I spent a decade surfing in Santa Cruz. During that time none of my friends were attacked by a great white. I'm pretty sure that if one of them had been had been attacked and was lucky enough to have survived then I would had heard about it. I would have heard about it, the local television station would have heard about it, and every person who happened to sit down next to them at a bar would have heard about it. One of the things we have to accept when we paddle out into the ocean is that we're not at the top of food chain. It doesn't matter how smart we are or how macho or how experienced we are. It's not our house and anyone with an ounce of sense accepts that.
• I'm pretty sure that if one of them had been had been attacked and was lucky enough to have survived then I would had heard about it. I would have heard about it, the local television station would have heard about it, and every person who happened to sit down next to them at a bar would have heard about it. sigh - this is exactly what I mean. Mainstream society thinks that a shark attack is a big deal. Do you go parading to your friends everytime you trip on a step, or swat a fly? I know a shark is generally more deadly than a step or a fly, but it's the same principle. The risk of actually being injured by a shark after it engages you isn't that much greater than spraining your leg on a step after you engage the stairs. We are at the top of the food chain. Science, religion, and common sense point toward this fact. Ironically, the creatures that are most dangerous to us are the ones that will not end up using us as food. These tend to be highly venomous, poisonous, or infectious. It is rare that a komodo dragon will manage to kill a human using combat, but one bite is enough to set in deadly infection.
• Peacay Gimme some linkies to your fantasies please. Do you see links to sites that claim that fly swatting is not a dangerous activity? The very people who think sharks are dangerous to humans are the same ones who consider them a big deal. Thus, the main sources of information are the ones with the most disinformation. The average jane in the ocean doesn't think it a big enough deal to go writing websites about how sharks are easy to fend off. To her, it is plainly obvious.
• When a human gets into a tangle with a shark, no matter how big, then unless the human has both arms clamped down upon (hard to do unless on purpse), then it's a ridiculously simple matter to punch the nose or gouge its eyes. Also...if you're about to be hit by a car, just jump up real high and the car will simply pass right under you.
• :) i'm surprised nobody has asked me to qualify my information. i.e. Spacediver, how on earth do you know that the majority of shark attacks end without any incident, when official stats say otherwise? Where are you pulling your info from? This troll coulda been lain to rest way back :p
• So it was a sharkbite that made you lame then? Bait up.
• why ask when 46% of all statistics are made up, spacediver?
• heh. in all seriousness, I respect the power of the "fine predators" immensely. I've swum with a shark in the wild before, but it inspired a sense of safety in me - almost as if the shark was a steward. Then again, if it was a bigger one and decided to get nasty with me, i'd've had a very different experience. Here's a story that might amuse. A few years ago, in the middle east, I was at a shisha cafe by the ocean, and was having a conversation with a good friend. We were fantasizing about how we'd use karate moves on a shark - sort of running mental simulations about how we could survive one. The next day we went cliff jumping in an area that requires a 20 minute swim back to shore. On the way back, i turn my head to my buddy, and say: "Remember that conversation we had yesterday about fighting off sharks? Well it seemed plausible on dry land, but now that i'm in the water, i realize that if a shark were to attack i'd be absolutely fucked!" A second later, my head bumped against this black thing and i screamed like a 5 year old child. Turned out to be a rubber shoe...
• I get it now...the comments were designed to provoke a "But *how* do you know these things???" response from some unsuspecting monkey, so you could have an opportunity to spring that amusing anecdote about swimming with sharks and cliff diving and karate and other dick-swinging endeavors.
• The idea about punching a shark on the nose is ooooold, so old that I remember hearing it when I was a wee nipper. (geddit? HAR) In any case that idea has been around a fair while. Experts suggest that if a shark has you in it's gob, you are fucked, mate. The idea is to get the hell out of the water *before* they bite you, which is fucking obvious advice, but no good if you don't see the bastard coming. From reading that link, it seems you've got less and less chance of deterring the shark by clocking it on the snoot each time it takes a nip at you, cos you'll be fuckin' bleedin', mate, and blood in the water tends to make them get a bit aggro, know what I mean? Despite what it says there, the gouging of the eyes may be conflated with what you do when you get chomped by a crocodile. When sharks bite, IIRC most of them have a flap of cartilage that comes up and protects the eye, so you're shit out of luck. Chymie says: slide a credit card into the third gill flap and twist counter-clockwise, releasing the jaw lock, then calmly swim away.
• I once wrestled a pig! the pig beat me on points
• I don't want to hear about your wedding night.
• "The 'mud' in the pen was angry that day, my friends... angry, like a dangerous criminal loony fresh out of doobage," he began...
• So, in summary, spacediver has a tiny penis.
• smallish, not tiny :)
• I figured this belongs in the thread with the posts about using karate moves on sharks. A candidate for state superintendent of schools said Thursday he wants thick used textbooks placed under every student's desk so they can use them for self-defense during school shootings.