April 11, 2005

• I apologise for lowering the tone so soon...
• Indelicate like a kitfisto fpp.
• Someone untruthful - 'He lies like a carpet'.
• On super skinny girls (guys): She looks like a good sandwich would kill her.
• Flatter than piss on a plate. Sticks like shit to a blanket. Dry as a popcorn fart. Tighter than a ... well, you get the idea. Spend a summer in the building trades and you'll hear a few that are unrepeatable in civilized company.
• You are not in civilized company...
• I think we picked it up from Point Break, but there was a time early/mid 90s when my mates and I found "Like a virgin on prom night" fitted for just about anything.
• Of an idea: "brilliantly inspired and conducive to both world peace and personal sexual fulfillment, just like the idea of making quidnunc Pope". Often said by Cardinals.
• I like: --flatter than a flitter (TX word for pancake) --hotter than the devil's ass crack I also like this description of Houston: It's not hell, but you can see it from here.
• You could see Pittsburgh from Houston?
• Sweating like a whore in church?
• Busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kickin' contest.
• Being from Mississippi gives you plenty of these! Someone who's worn out "looks like the cracker Death ate." A trembling person is "shaking like a dog passing a peach pit." "Shitting like a chained 'coon" (Frankly, this could be just something my dad said.)
• You couldn't get a clue if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance in a field full of horny clues at the height of clue mating season. (I heart horny clues.)
• You couldn't X on the Xest day of your life with an electrified Xing machine.... For instance: You couldn't Front Page Post on the Front Page Postingest day of your life with an electrified Front Page Posting Machine.... (Whoah... isn't MoFi an electrific Front Page Posting Machine?)
• The redoubtable Mr Furious gave us: "so far below par as to be sub-atomically quantum indefinable suckness, sucking so hard that it creates a Bose-Einstein condensate of suckholiness that is sucking everywhere in the universe at once."
• Also acceptable: "Wacker than an Anthony Kiedis rhyme" (can be substituted with "Wacker than a Beastie Boys rhyme")
• A funny banana to Rocket88's ass-kickin' contest and Meredithea's description of Houston. On handiness: "He could put a wooden arse on a cat" On sharpness of knives: "That blade is so dull you can ride bare-assed to Halifax on it."
• You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
• Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob. (Used in the "neato" sense or the "slippery" sense.) or is that a metaphor? You may also be interested in this: http://www.rootsweb.com/~genepool/amerispeak.htm
• ...were you quoting this, or is it well-known? or is it you? *head explodes*
• Number than a pounded thumb (stupid). Crazier than a shithouse rat.
• Seeing as how this we are not civilized company, one I heard this winter for the first time is "colder than a witch's tit". A favourite of my dad's is "blacker than Toby's ass" (var. "tighter than Toby's ass"), but we kids never knew who Toby was. We figured some guy from work. They had showers there. My parents often used translated similies, which of course, when used here failed miserably. Such as, when someone is acting pleased with himself, he is said to be "walking around like a dog with three dicks." Still like that one...
• Whilst trying, with much effort, to help by friend Ann pull a beer from one of those plastic thong thingies that holds a six-pack together, her husband, Jim, came upon us and proclaimed, gruffly, "You two look like a monkey fucking a football."
• BWAhahAhahah!! OneOlive wins!
• lower than snake shit (this from Nevada)
• From Italy, someone crazy is "Fuori come una terrazza" (out there like a terrace), or, specifically from Florence, "Fuori come un cavallo" (out there like a horse)
• Slower than snail shit
• Colder than a well diggers ass. Useless as tits on a boar.
• Oh! And my friend Laura, who upon departing would announce joyfully, "Well, I'm off like a prom dress!" Remember kids, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast...
• Quieter 'n a mouse pissin' on cotton.
• Another favorite of mine describes a person who's obviously had a bad day/week/life. That person's been "rode hard and put up wet." You say that a person with a hangover's just been "rode hard and put up wet," while a person who's had a hard life has been "rode hard and put up wet too many times." Yeah. I overexplained that one.
• it's raining like a cow pissin' on a flat rock.
• miserable or stuck up person - mouth like a cat's arse
• If you're brain was made of dynamite, you couldn't blow your hat/hair/eyebrows off.
• hair like an orangutan having a bad hair day
• dj, my Dad's was "If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to part your hair".
• nervous as a cat with two tails in a roomfull of rocking chairs As an answer to a question: Beats the cat hairs out of me. He's lower than whale shit uglier than home-made sin I love this kind of stuff!! Where's Bees and Mr. Hat?
• I suspect it is a pretty common one with many variations! Another one is dimmer than a torch running on a dead battery
• If I had a dog with a face like yours, I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards! Your just like the Royal family - useless but you have the right to tell everyone what to do.
• that should have been "think you have the right"
• Wurwilf - No. Yes (ish). No. [Puts Wurwilf's head back together.]
• nervous as a cat in a room full of rockin' chairs. hot as a three-dollar pistol. cold as a witch's tit. queer as a three-dollar bill. ( I don't write 'em, just report 'em.) Slicker'n snot. (Yeah, I saw this one above, just thought I'd give another pronunciation. And yes, this is an appellation of approval.)
• Bent as a nine bob note.
• ...all manners are mystery to those who lack 'em... ...as sure as there's dirt in a cat... ...a friend's eye is the best mirror... ...money and malice is an ill pairing... ...each back bears its own bruise... ...snug as a louse under a silk shirt... ...'tis a poor pie can't be cut... ...be quiet as a pudding... ...'twill do as a much good as throwing salt in the sea... ...he's briar-tongued when he's drinking... ...she doesn't know a fish from a farthingale... ...friend to ye is friend to me, and woe to ye is woe to me... ..too lazy to comb the crumbs from his beard...
• "quiet as a pudding"?! W.T.F...
• Mad as a stunned otter And to describe someone less than aesthetically pleasing - Looks as if they'd been set on fire and put out with a baseball bat
• My dad always said, "Boy, you're slower than a slug on quaaludes." An old college buddy of mine used to roll down his window and yell at other drivers: "You drive like old people fuck: slow and sloppy!" For the unattractive sort: "Damn, he's ugly. Looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." Plus, there's the ever popular "dumber than a bag of rocks" or "dumber than a bag of hammers." And although it's not a simile (but this thread reminded me of it), when golfing with male friends and one of them hits a particularly weak shot, you're supposed to say to them: "Nice shot. Does your husband play too?" /derail
• Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Or, my favorite, from Kinky Friedman, - camping with the clan of the dimly lit. My ex from WV once said of a girl with big teeth: That girl could eat an apple through a picket fence. Beat hard with the ugly stick.
• Tighter than a gnat's ass stretched over a rain barrel. Hotter than a priest hearing a whore's confession. Slicker than snot on a hickory stump. Shines like a diamond in a billy goat's ass. Ran like a stripe-assed ape with its stripes on fire. [if something puts you in a favorable position] Now I'm shitting in the tall cotton.
• i've got bunches but the only one that comes to mind right now is a yiddish saying to mean confusion, translated as "he's like a fart in a foggy soup"