March 28, 2005

• Fudge. Typoed the headline - should read "Mighty Mofi"
• I am drinking some mighty good tea. PG Tips, two sugars, splash of milk.
• "Let there be light!" he wailed as he stubbed his toe in the impentrable darkness of a strange guestroom.
• With zenlike calm, he stared at the oracle in front of him. The slavering beasts leered from the corner carpet. Quickly he arose, opened the portal, and set them wandering. Returning to his desk, he continued his contemplation. His brow furrowed: he had erred. Momentarily distracted, he had scribed the wrong headline in the oracle, and now, disaster loomed o'er the land.
• The Beast attacked at dawn. Unprepared, both teeth and tongue found flesh near that once unguarded Lair. Licked but not beaten, (tis our fortune that the Beast so recently lost the sharp edge of claw) we found sustenance that would sate him... for but a fraction of the Chariot's journey. Twilight will tell another tale.
• I wonder how many of these will be about people's dogs?
• No dogs, I'm afraid. We had a restful day, this last day of the Easter holiday: He woke at nine, lay in til ten, Then rose and fed the kids. And after washing up he went online to read the Squid's. The house he washed, so did his wife, While listening to some music. And then the happy couple took a rest, with Distalgesic. At dinner time, the family ate a turkey in sav'ry sauce. A gusty meal that exited Their simple kitchen Norse. And after that, the family walked Until there was no path. Returning home, the time had come To give the kids their bath.
• I reached down. As I picked it up.... the warmth. It was the only thing I could feel. The hellhound stared at me. We could continue our trek only after all foul traces of our passing had been removed.
• She let out a mighty roar as she stared at the smoldering remnants of her NCAA brackets. What folly, to champion the Blue Devils of Duke! A multiude of riches and glorious victory had been rudely snatched from her grasp, leaving her penniless, humiliated and angry. She could hear her servants snickering behind her. Whipping around, she gave them all a menacing glare, and instantly there was a fearful silence.
• A great screeching, and then the strike--the beak sank into the soft wood. The Buddy Perch was no match for this fowl! Only the exquisite charms of the Master could soothe the feathers and lead the viscious monster back to her well-appointed lair. She let her fury be known after the closure of the gate--the plastic beads of the toy rattled on the rope as she lashed at it again and again. The lesser grean beast went in of his own accord, head bowed with age and hunger for Millet Rice Flakes.
• Emerging from murky gloom of the bedchamber, she lit torches, activated the glowing box which predicts the day's weather, and gave skritches unto the tiny purring beast at her feet. Then she did grind beans plucked from the dark jungles of Southeast Asia, and brewed a strong, fragrant brew. After cleansing in cascading waters, she travelled a great distance o'er rough roads to sit and toil with minutae, as she has sat and toiled a thousand days before, and will yet remain for all her desperate, dreary, dying days.
• At noon, she had a sandwich and a cookie. Then returned to her doom.
• He drank the water of Life and consumed the doughy round with great gusto, cream cheese and all. Having sated his mighty hunger. He returned to his adserving software with renewed purpose.
• What then, of these long quiet spaces? Contemplation, as the world worries out its furrow in the sky.
• She awoke shortly before dawn, and was pleased to note the ominious storm clouds taking shape over the palms. Might she dare hope the usual blast of morning sunlight would be postponed, if only for an hour? She settled at her desk, absently arranging the leads and rules of her craft, when she heard the heavy scuffling on the floorboards. Her heart sank. The sound, alternating thuds and small animal skitterings, continued for a moment, until the tiny form, the fleece clad homonucleus, appeared in the dim light of the doorway. "Barney!" he demanded in a bird-like trill. "Barney now!" The Corporation had long ago decided that there would be no televised dinosaurs until 8:30 AM. She sighed, and set her jaw.
• With victory-striped breath, I herald the minions that perch above with a gaiety-imperiled bravado: "Seek me now! I spurn you! Hail me with your haggard mullet projectiles devoid of heaven's aroma!!" All the while, I tackle their splattered canvas with gusto and subitaneous impeding vestige; Subjugation, you are vanquished, and I propose you tomorrow to prattle my perspicacity! = my daily morning "battle" to avoid being shit on from the pigeons above (anyone familar with the #7 line in Queens NYC?)
• With a flair for massive, crushing attack known only to Odin and some of the lesser Norse Gods, he threw the slices of bread onto the plate, and mightily applied the Mustard of Life and the Mayonnaise of Truth with the Mighty Knife of Justice. He then added a slice of cheese. Yea tho the enemies of the One True Cheese Sandwich lay slain, he did eat it with chips and a soda and all the land hushed with awe. Especially the Great and Mighty Beast of the Sofa, who raised an eyebrow at the ground-trembling munching. And then there was, among the seekers of sustenance, much rejoicing.
• and lo, much torment endureth she as the fateful choices laid before her: shall the plates of paper for the day of her nuptials be "Blush Elegance" or "Bridal Lace"? woe unto the poor maid as the decision wreaked havoc upon her brainstem and attached cranial areas. nay, NAY, do not force these wrenching choices upon me! she criedeth out to the heavens and office colleagues. finally, ample bosoms heaving, her dainty fingers clicked on "Blush Elegance," thus ending much premarital suspense. and it was good.
• The Philosopher King did arise at dawn that morning, cursing the chill of his drafty castle and ordering a good fire prepared for him while he prepared for his day. He stepped in a firm and kingly manner into his most private chamber, where he commanded the bathing girls to prepare his morning bath. So ordered, he perched his royal figure upon his precious porcelain throne, resting his head lightly upon a matching porcelain baptismal font which had been constructed before the throne. There he waited for his bath and prayed for the mercy of the Lord to rest upon him. Once cleaned, clothed and shod his his finest, Good King Tool did enter his dining hall, where his good servants Krups and Bunn did prepare for him a mug of steaming black liquor, which did revitalize the king and prepare him for his day. He feasted upon the finest Pop-Tarts of the land, displaying his appreciation with a great, braying fart and a hearty chuckle. Then he reentered his bedchamber and stood at the foot of the queen's sleeping form, where he then performed the traditional Royal Floppy Penis Dance as his customary sign of love and fealty. All was well and good in his kingdom. Soon the war against the Broadleaf Weeds would begin, and his might would be known throughout the land.
• He thrust his stainless tool into the quivering vegetation, each mighty dripping load bringing him nearer to satiation. He knew the final reckoning was near - the serving wench stared in awe while tendering The Bill That Must Be Paid. His resolve quickened as he manhandled the Mighty Cheesy Bread into the travelling vessel. Only then did his his mighty feet undertake the thundering strides to the egress, while the world waited outside, cowering before his might.
• ))) for this inspired thread, drivingmenuts!!! Fine worl here, O love reading it -- already one of my all-time favorites!
• Shameless c&p adaptation of the Táin Bó Cúalnge The Account Of The Appearance Of Abiezer Early the next morning Abiezer came to observe the monkey host and to display his comely, beautiful form to the matrons and dames and girls and maidens and poets and men of art, for he did not consider it an honour nor becoming, the wild, shambolic shape of knob-headery which had been manifested to them the night before. It was for that then that he came to exhibit his comely, beautiful form in the comments to that link. Truly fair was the youth that came there to display his form to the hosts, Abiezer, to wit son of Tre-Fuair. Three heads of hair he wore; brown at the skin, blood-red in the middle, a golden-yellow crown what thatched it. Long had been his disputation with his hairdresser. Beautiful was the arrangement of the hair, with three coils of hair wound round the nape of his neck, so that like to a strand of thread of gold was each thread-like, loose-flowing, deep-golden, magnificent, long-tressed, splendid, beauteous-hued hair as it fell down over his shoulders, flecked with the dandruff, white like the snow upon the slopes of Columcille. A hundred bright-purple windings of gold-flaming red gold at his neck, scarred by many a memento of his battles with the safety razor. He also put on him that day his fair-day dress, not indeed that there is anything amiss with that. To this apparel about him belonged, namely, a beautiful, well-fitting, purple, fringed, five-folded shell-suit. A white medallion of silvered bling or of white silver incrusted with burnished gold over his fair white breast, as if it were a full-fulgent lantern that eyes of men could not behold for its resplendence and crystal shining. A striped chest-jacket of silk on his skin, fairly adorned with borders and braidings and trimmings of gold and silver and silvered bronze, spelling the arcane runes 'You Knows It! that so many enemies had trembled to read; it reached to the upper hem of his dark, brown-red warlike pantaloons of royal polycotton. Then it was that the maidens of Cathay besought the men of Pe-king to lift them up on the parcel shelf of their bicycles above the car drivers' shoulders, to behold the aspect of Abiezer. For they marvelled at the beautiful, comely appearance he showed them that day compared with the low, arrogant shape of drunkeness in which they had seen him the night before.
• Thank ye for "knob-headery." I shall make thee Baron of the Untidy Garage for that gift.
• beeswacky: Thank you. Credit to Pez and Melinika, also, for pushing me to do this.
• With a mighty swoop and polite suggestion of a meeting date far, far in the future, when the world might well have ended, yea, she eradicated all the red flags in Outlook, thus ending that battle for the day. Lo, it was not over forever, for the evil forces do gather their strength nightly to swarm her inbox each morn. Then, summoning her mighty google-fu, she turned her full attention to tracking down used American Sankey half barrel steel kegs, that heroes might have their beer that night, and all would be well in the land, with feasting and song, and itinerant banjo players would be made glad with pints of porter! Thus it was that she photoshopped the glare out of a replica of the merry drinking hall and sent it on to a magazine with high hopes of publication, then rested from her many labors and stared again, longingly, at the round faced clock of doom. Alas! It is not yet 5:30! Woe, woe, woe!
• Early awaking arose the maiden, fetching fleet-fingered the forlorn phone, Speech she did speak with singing spearfellow; To Battersea they were bound, park power-stationed. Many a minstrel their music shall make telling the tale of their tread o'er the green, blest with blossoms, bluebells and bulbs, Gorse-spines no grief gave them, nor rending. Beasts by the broad path boldly barking Stayed not the singers save for some skritching; Their quest called them, their quarry awaited: By the lake it lay, the lordly lode Of dairy delights, deeply delicious. Cones they called for capacious and crunchy, Flavours most fair filled within, Fruits of the forest for the first singer, Mint chocolate chip chose her companion. Thus did they thrive that day free of thralldom, bright-blazing morn, bank-holiday blissful!
• "Bonsai!" cried the wannabe geisha, as she espied her coiffure upon rising (she'd forgotten to take her hair out of the bun again, and it had rebelled)(both bun and hair); then she (wannabe) hollered to the hounds and descended the semi-imperial staircase, whilst wondering where her (wannabe) boxers had gotten to, and if her socks had been consumed in the night, and where the fuck her paycheck was - but regarding the hounds, she relaxed and felt safe, until she realized that said hounds has relaxed some bowels even tho they (hounds) and she (wannabe) weren't quite all the way down the stairs yet. Then she thought of laundry.
• Upon rising, the maiden cursed the morning and strode irritably to the bathing chamber. Nearly an hour later, she emerged from her stately home, ready for the new day. She and her younger brother loaded thier baggage into her faulty red chariot, and they rode with the strength of hundreds of horses to thier daily destination. There she toiled many hours with staggering mental tasks, until it came time to join her comrades , performing physical feats in the icy rain, running many miles and throwing the disci to astonishing lengths. "Truely," said her general, you will vanquish your opponents!" "Nay," said the maiden, "for I will surely die of this cold before I meet them!" She walked slowly back to her chariot, muscles protesting at every step, and drove back to her stately home, where she bathed again, and commenced to the tasks she had been set for the night, though not before sating her hunger with roast fowl, the remnants of yesterdays feast.
• Awoke she, at the crack of noon, and went she to the hearth, and to the ice cave nearby, and took she, from the ice cave fruits various and diverse. Flung she, those fruits and as well, gifts from the bosom of the Cow Goddess, into the fearsome bowels of the Whirring Beast, as to come forth smoothened and cold and her hunger was less great. Beholding the inner parts of the ice cave, it came to she that the fruits, and other things, while yet various and diverse, were not various and diverse enough, and also a thought came that her glorious reddened locks needed another reddening most grievously, and that the false eyelash parts she customarily affixed to her luminous orbs were also diminished in number, and also that liquid which a man and woman annoint their hidden parts in order to properly fornicate was not in abundance and so added she Astroglide unto the parchment, then also put she Felidae for the daily appeasement of the Lesser Lions, and while she doth be at it, made she a marking to search unto exhaustion for that blessed powder of Arm & Hammer, being of a Moisture Activated Fragrance which she offereth unto the soil made a ghastly lair of stench by the Lesser Lions. Thus made ready, went she resolutely out unto the Wide World and did find those things, and the Kingdom, by her brave deeds, was saved.
• [this is SO good] [Verily.]
• "Merchants!" he spat. Vile, greasy-pawed things, unfit for more than a tenday in the wilds of his birth; and yet by great contrivance their kind had found a way to rule the decadent city-stinking land he now found himself in. He needed victuals, and swore to Crom that he never again live in a land where no game ran free, that he may live again as a man and bring down his food with a spear. Disused reflexes sprung to life as he dodged the metal carts the city-dwellers propelled through the narrow passageways of the bazaar. Collecting the desired wares, he sought a merchant that he may pay a fair price for the goods; no common thief was he! As the gods would have it, the merchant was surrounded by all manner of automata and sorcery. And yet he felled compelled to submit, for who knew what spells may be unleashed upon him should he defy the order of this place? So he produced an artifact he had procured, which the sages called an "Albertson's card," and gritting his teeth, he waited for his turn to be cheated out of yet more of his hard-won gold.
• Nice one, furiousdork! Also fie upon Vons, Jons, Rons, Vans and Lucky's, and all thier high end excrescentia. Bah!
• In those days, it came to pass that Testicles Carter* did look upon the works of the greater scribes that came both before and after. He, like many of his far-flung companions, had snatched a brief moment of glorious life from the maw of mediocrity and had made this one day, truly, a good day to live. He smiled, for it had amused him greatly. He rotated the ball of small oracle's control device, pressed a button, and submitted his final entry** to be spread far and wide on the etheric winds of N'tarnet. Perhaps the gods will smile upon him again, tomorrow. ------- *nut driver, ie., drivingmenuts. Man, I'm never gonna live that one down, am I? **for today
• Alas the the tired warrior returned to his dark cavern.His latest battle clearly lost. As he had failed,in his attempts to scale the walls of castle monkeyfilter. As he was cut down by sharp tounged healots,that had long lingered the ancient halls. Just barely escaping with his life,he climbed his way back into the woodlawn park zoo. Where he stole a banana from a spider monkey,and started to read from his new secret weapon,Webster'sII.
• ))) for pakman!!!
• "Arise, young Zematius! Break the spell of willful death and arise! For the threads of earth and heaven lay still woven. And the gears of your golem soul shall not rest until the grains of eternity turn into the bread of destiny. Or the flail of distant Roma tear your flaky flesh apart! Lay to rest your dreaming hands, as their wanton need for my selenious booty shall stay unsatiated!" And so, the goddess of unfulfilled desires breaks apart as waves on the pillars of helios, while the hero of an unfinished tragedy shackles the strung sands covering a reluctant body in a mournful half-realization, just to observe mount Vesuvius still rising trying to reach Elysium complying with the rites of dawn. Time slows as the envious jinns try to rob Zematius of his material dominions. Yet the promethean sparks of will inmolate the apparitions to fuel the heroic but weak soul just to survive another day at the Caucasus of rutine. For the crime that attachs him to heavenly punishment looms far, still uncommitted. Delusional aspirations intermingled with goofy passion sinuate around retinas reaching beyond the light that strikes them, swimming upon images of absurd unattainable joy, just before the daydreamer realizes aghast that past has left his side and future comes as accusations for a wasted present. There is a long road ahead... filled with traffic.
• and punctuation lays forgotten...
• In the beginning was the word, and the word was "Fuck!" The word was "fuck" because She is who She is slept through the alarm, and it was not good. Then Ramix went forth to the region of Bathroom, and sat upon the throne of Poop, and whereupon brought forth a mighty offering. And then she rejoiced, because the offering was plentiful on account of the fiber she had consumed. After she rejoiced, she proceeded to ablute herself in accordance with the prescribed laws of the region of Bathroom. Then Ramix beheld her chariot and saw that it was not good for the evil spirit of the flat tire was upon it. So She is who She is stretched forth her hands in despair and proceeded to curse the chariot of steel with rubber tires! Then Ramix proceedeth to walk down the street towards the train station because she did not want to face the wrath of her employer who must be obeyed by taking another sick day. Ramix entered into the holiest of holies which is also known as the "office" an hour late and was immediately attacked by Beezlebub, a.k.a. the boss. After a tongue lashing comparable to the smiting of the King of Assyria, Ramix went forth towards the river of Coffee , situated by the region of the water cooler. Alas, the river of coffee had dried up! Thus Ramix spake: "You gotta be fucking kidding!" Ramix left the region of the water cooler with no treasures in hand, save a styrofoam cup of ice-cold water. Then Ramix surveyed the vast expanse that was the internet and her eyes dwelt upon the domains of Matthowie and Tracicle, whereupon Ramix began to consume the knowledge therein. At a certain time, Ramix stopped for lunch and the internets stood still - but after lunch the internets resumed its motion. She consumed the knowledge till the sun went behind the moon which is referred to as 8 hours for alas, Ramix was weak in the flesh.
• The Wingo King lowered his massive posterior, and the sky above the stillness of the sea turned suddenly dark. Then a great rumbling was heard, and a stench to end all stenches filled the air; suddenly, a massive, elongated object, its color that the richest of chocolates, or of the most handsome princess's limpid eyes, fell from the sky, and at its impact the sea erupted in a chaos for the ages. Surely the world was coming to an end! But no; the air of peril did not lift. Indeed, at that moment, some unseen mystery of the deep began to drink of the sea, causing its waters, and the chocolate-covered object floating in their midst, to spin round and round. A whirlpool of biblical proportions, it was! And the entire sea, and the chocolate-colored object, were sucked from this world into some unthinkable parallel dimension. Sorry. I've been making a lot of "buttocks" and "fart" jokes with my 5 year old niece, and this kind of thing is thusly on the brain...
• change the second "massive" to "weighty", perhaps.