March 11, 2005

• Something that gives the couple some peaceful, relaxing time together. In the SF Bay Area, I'd suggest paying for a hottub room rental at one of the local spas. Or pay for a massage for the two of them. Or pack a picnic basket for a day at the beach.
• A good jigsaw puzzle A quilt A mirror
• Here is a similar AskMeFi question (loss of infant, what practical things can I do for my friend?). It has a bunch of suggestions that might help you. My sympathy to you and your friends.
• Also, this Slate dialog between Emily Bazelon and Dahlia Lithwick (both of whom have miscarried) is very informative. I don't recall if they talk about gifts, specifically, but a large portion of their discussion was how painfully in social limbo women who miscarry are.
• I hear tsunami babies are cheap. /poor taste. Y'know, if there's any way that you could expidite a vacation for them, that might be handy. It's good to get away from things sometimes, and this seems like a handy opportunity to take some time off.
• Tell them you suck at gift-giving (me too) and ask them directly if they need anything. Lend them an ear and a shoulder - they probably need that the most.
• Is there some kind of interest or hobby they have, together or individually that is such that the world goes away when they do it? Would there be a way to help them do that thing? Some books on a favourite interest, some time at a pottery wheel, taking them out hiking, to a dog show, whatever? Probably not for right now, but maybe in a few weeks. I've not had to deal with such a situation, but I would, I think, need to have some time to give my brain and psyche a rest from what has happened, and in a way that showed that there is still life, and a place for me in it. Strangely enough, for me, it would be going to a petting zoo.
• The best gift you can give is yourself. Be there for her. Take her out. Remind her of the good in the world.
• something in honor of the child. also remember, *everyone* is showing their support right now. in a few months, all that will have died down, but their grief will still exist.....even a small sympathy card at that time will show that you care and are there to listen if they need to talk.
• I don't want to sound patronizing, but a lot of people are bad at such things so it might be helpful if I offer some general advice. The #1 thing anyone wants in any such circumstances is simply to know that other people care. The most sincere and economical way that can be exressed to them is the best thing you can do for them. The last thing people want is for someone to "fix it". Well, actually, if you actually could "fix it" for them, they'd probably like that. But most attempts to "fix" actually make things worse. It's very, very hard to even begin to guess at what would "fix it" for someone in such distress. So...don't try. If there's something you can do for them, let them tell you what it is. Take their pain seriously without being patronizing. Take your cue from them about how much to talk about it. Or, simply ask them if they'd like to talk about it. Don't force talk therapy on them. A discrete, heartfelt offer of sympathy and help (that is about them and not about what you're feeling or have experienced) is the best thing you can do. But don't offer it only once. Without being intrusive, repeat the sentiment and offer again later so that it's clear that it wasn't pro forma. Most importantly, and worth repeating: let the mourner/person in pain tell you how you can best help them. Don't press them, of course; but inappropriate sentiments or gestures are often worse than nothing at all. Don't flail around; simply ask "How can I help?" This particular situation is very delicate and women vary greatly in how they deal with miscarriage. Some will immediately want to move on. Others have a strong need to grieve and memorialize. The Slate dialog I linked to earlier, along with the book under discussion, "Motherhood Lost", offer some insight into how people's needs vary. One thing that seems clear is that to many women (but not all!), society's "pretending like nothing happened" adds insult to injury. A sincere acknowledgment of their pain and (likely) confusion, with an honest but discrete offer to help in any way they'd like, already would be doing much more than usual and would likely be greatly appreciated.
• (I'd like to caution against gifts that are "in honor of the child" or similar. Not that they necessarily wouldn't be greatly appreciated and a comfort...they might. But to some people, such a gift might be very unwelcome and painful. Don't guess. Ask.)
• Do something symbolic. Something that memorializes them. Plant a tree, donate to a charity that supports a cause that seems appropriate, etc... You get the picture. Terribly, terribly sorry for your friend. I cannot imagine the pain....
• Be accessible if they want to talk. If they don't want to talk, do their shopping for them, or the lawn work. Understand.
• Second maryh's idea. Instead of a present, maybe help them with some chores. I remember reading about a chap who went to a wake and helped polish the family's shoes (they had six or seven children, so it was a lot of shoes). Help them make the bed? Fluff up pillows, clean new sheets, a sprig of flowers on the side? Or possibly tackle the bathroom, or offer to pick up drycleaning, groceries, etc.... My condolences as well.
• Thank you all, I'll go through all the ideas properly soon. I haven't called her yet because I'm a huge wuss and the last thing she needs is me crying on the phone to her. I'm going to make a big batch of muffins in the morning and drop them around with a note, and go from there. Thank you. It's something I can't comprehend, but it hits a little close to home right now, so I'm at a total loss. /melodrama
• Act normally. None of us gets out of here alive.
• Don't give them a gift related to their interests or hobbies. The gift will act as a reminder, each time they enjoy the hobby. Any gift you do give should be benign, one that won't create a new field for their sorrow to ravish.
• tracicle, that's very sad and not uncommon, alas. I'd be leary of giving any sort of memorial gift until/if the pair seem receptive to such an idea. Because you never know ahead of time how such things may affect folk at their most vulnerable. Some years ago a well-meaning church circle planted a memorial rosebush in the front yard of neighbours who'd experienced a similar loss, but the sight of it came to depress the family enough, seeing it in the front lawn every time they left or entered the house, that they finally sold their place and moved away. A donation to some appropriate charity might serve to express your sympathy without weighing down their spirits unduly as time passes. Helping people get on with their daily rounds, and staying alert to their needs/reactions when you are with them is really all you can do at first. Just play it by ear/feel.
• My sympathy for your friends. Here's what some of our friends did when my wife and I lost a child at mid-term. They put out some pens, crayons, etc. and paper at a social event and let folks write down their thoughts, condolences, feelings, etc. At the end the end of the evening, all the notes, drawings, and letters were gathered together and put in a nice box. The box was given to us to open and go through when we were ready to do so. Lots of very good stuff to help through the grieving process. The other thing folks did was not give physical items or food, but just their presence. Several people would schedule time throughout the day (totally cancelable if we just weren't up for it) to talk or not talk, work on a puzzle, or just be there.
• the comfort company specializes in sympathy gifts. some of the miscarriage remembrances are kind of creepy, but i liked the idea of a birthstone remembrance pendant. also, the gift of an open ear. many parents in this situation comment that no one wants to listen to them talk about their experience.
• I'm a huge wuss and the last thing she needs is me crying on the phone to her perhaps that's just what she needs, to know that you feel so deeply for her.
• Second against memorial gifts. They don't need or want things of any sort right now, I'll wager. It may sound a bit cheesy, but I've found that a sending a carefully crafted letter to those who are suffering often gets a good reaction. That way you can share your feelings and let them know that you're there for them in any way they need you to be, without getting all weepy and emotional. I generally send one to every loved one who suffers a major loss, and the feedback has always been overwhelmingly positive (not that I do it for feedback, of course, but it's gratifying to know that I might have given a friend some temporary comfort). If you're hesitant to cook, you might ask if there's any other household chores that need doing, maybe come over and clean their place up or run errands or something. Of course, that may not be feasible with your tummy-baby, but there may be some need you can fill. So sorry for your friends, Tracy.
• Losing a child is the worse thing that can happen to a person. Several people mentioned "being there" for the person..that's the best advice. The true friend is one that doesn't cross the street when they see someone in grief coming. Too often we are unable to face someone in that much grief. just be there.... You'll know what to do.
• argh...Tracicle! Thanks for asking this, in case I need it. /I just found out I'm going to be a grandma' and since my daughter has miscarried before, I can keep this on store, even though she has medical assurances and help this time. It's such a tough question as different people I have known may see it as a real death to be ritualised while others have different perspectives on such a loss. I think from your first contact you'll know how better to respond from there. As an example of the extreme I once had a client who brought in polaroids of their premature stillborn in an open casket for me to see. 'twas a toughie to pull together the right demeanour for that!
• The gift will act as a reminder, each time they enjoy the hobby. That's a very good point. Good call.