February 24, 2005

• I guess I am confused... how was it that you were in touch with her a month and a half ago? Or was this secondhand? How do you know she is mysteriously missing? Do you know the husband's name? Have you tried searching through the public records (not just Google)? I have some resources to suggest but I don't have a grip on this situation.
• Mississippi Police and Sheriff Departments, county by county.
• Consider a reputable private detective, if you can afford it.
• Hope you find her, Minda.
• Also, you can try the newspapers, and see if they can locate the obituaries for you. Alternatively, the public libraries might be able to help you too, especially if the newspapers want to charge you for the search. The Mississippi Department of Health handles vital records, so you might want to try them also? The death certificates (if you're allowed to buy a copy) might give you an address. Good luck, minda.
• I was afraid I was a bit too vague. It goes like this: Michelle (the sister) lives in Mississippi, or at least did a month & half ago, which was the last time she & my Dad spoke. She lives there with her 3 1/2 year old son (a son by the late husband previously mentioned, whose name I do know). I haven't spoken with her since just after Thanksgiving. She does sometimes go off & do her own thing, but has never gone so long without contacting our Dad (and "never" encompasses nearly the last 10 years of her flaky life). We're worried she's gotten herself into a very bad situation, which is not impossible to imagine her doing. roly, I haven't tried the public records; not too sure which to use.
• (that last post above was in reference to questions from roly) Thanks for the support, guys; this is one of the most hellish things I've ever gone though, and it really helps. I'm going to follow the links you've posted so far & see what I can come up with. I'll let you know...
• Most newspapers now leave up obituaries for a year. Also, some let friends and family sign a "guest book" on the obituaries. That might give you some more names, if the Miss. papers are that up-to-date. I hope you find her!
• If you're concerned for her and the boy's well being don't wait on the missing persons report, get the authorities involved as soon as possible. I'd list some services in your quest to find her but I don't know you and this could be a case of stalking. If it isn't, I do wish you and your family the good luck.
• If you know what city she lived in, you can contact the local police department and ask them to do a public service call. They will go check up on her and ask her to give you call.
• You might want to try here for the obit.
• drivingmenuts, really!?!? And it won't be like reporting her missing, will it? Just a, "hey, I'm worried about my sister, can you stop by her last known address & check for me, please?" kind of thing? Man, that would be beyond wonderful. There'd be no breach of privacy, because they wouldn't have to give me information to do that...
• I'm pretty sure the police would do that for you. Also, the local library where she lived might have newspaper archives on microfilm (for the obits). Good luck.
• And it won't be like reporting her missing, will it? Just a, "hey, I'm worried about my sister, can you stop by her last known address & check for me, please?" If they won't do that, report her missing. There's a kid involved - the police need to be brought in *now*. Being thought of as silly or meddlesome by your sister DOES NOT MATTER as soon as the well-being of a child is involved. If your sister doesn't understand that, too bad. You need to be on the ball here. This is a crazy situation to be in, and good on you for stepping up to deal with it. I was declared missing once for eight months. I found out about it through a completely unrelated police matter, and once I verified that I was the individual they were looking for, they contacted the person who had declared me missing and simply said I was alive without passing on any details.
• I just want to say thanks to all you monkeys for the links, encouragement, and work. I've been e-mailing with a couple of you, and one lurker has actually done so much legwork he found my cell # and gave me a call to request more information (and, I think, to impress me with his researching skills, which he did). This has been a huge trial for my Dad & I; we've been basket cases for a couple of days. We're trying hard to find her while still being respectful of her privacy. The big reason for that is an official missing person report would require us to tell the police every last thing we know about Michelle, and some of that would be considered absolutely private by her. Because of this, we want to be sure of ourselves before we file any official report; Michelle would consider such a thing (if she weren't dead or kidnapped, that is), a major breach of trust & may never speak to us again. To be honest, for me, I could deal with her anger (and hate, if that's indeed how deep this goes) to know that she's out of harm's way, and to make sure she knows that she can't just disappear for more than a month without us getting very worried. To Dad, however, such a thing is nearly unthinkable. Hence this post, and my extreme gratitude for all the help. /nearly incoherent babble of gratitude
• I wish you the best of luck minda.
• I have a friend who's sister disappears like this pretty often. Last time she it turned out she was in Japan for just under a year. It's possible that she isn't calling home because she's going through some rough times, and she doesn't want to tell the family about it. I know that when I was working my last job I'd avoid calling home months at a time, because I didn't want to have to describe how shitty my life was, and it would've been even more depressing to make up a fantasy story to my family. I didn't want to worry them, nor did I want for them to judge me. Is it possible she could be having the same kind of thoughts? If so, you'll have to look for a long-distance solution, and I'm not sure there is any solution besides waiting for her life to improve. I had to get back into school before I was comfortable calling back home again. I don't know what it'll take for your sister, if she's having the same experience.
• We're trying hard to find her while still being respectful of her privacy. ...make sure she knows that she can't just disappear for more than a month without us getting very worried. I think you need to put aside these considerations at the moment. If she is in bad trouble, she'll thank you; if not, that's something to deal with later. Your sister's manipulation of you and your father - she's put you in a terrible situation - cannot be more important than her life, and possibly her child's. I respect how difficult this must be, and that you don't wish to alienate your sister...however, in my opinion, since her child may be in danger - your nephew; your father's grandchild - as adults she has to respect your concern, and you and your father have to think about the welfare of this kid as much as if not more so than about your sister. Your sister may be able to take care of herself in a rough situation where a very small child cannot, particularily if mental illness and/or drug addiction are involved. Please don't take any of this as a criticism, as it's not meant so - but I have been in similar situations, and there is a natural tendency to try and deal with them as you would deal with a regular situation only amplified, and it can really backfire. This is not a normal situation, it's an emergency, and so the normal rules don't apply. I think you need to involve the police ASAP, as her anger at your father is only one of a number of unthinkable resolutions in such a situation.
• What moneyjane said. Best of luck, minda, hope everything works out. *hugs*
• What everybody else said. I've been through periods of my life where I haven't been in contact with my family for months at a time (sometimes because I didn't want them to know how marginal my situation was, sometimes just because... well, nothing was happening. Family bonds are mutable.) But there's a big, big difference between not being in contact and being uncontactable. Get the authorities involved, now - and if they won't do a simple "drop-by and see", report her missing. Any betrayal of trust is nothing compared to the implicit trust family members have to look out for one another, and if all your attempts to contact her so far have failed... well, I say the balance of trust has shifted. Especially when there's a kid involved. Do what you have to do, to be calm in your own minds, and perhaps (just perhaps) to be of great service to your sister, and your nephew. The best of luck.
• moneyjane, no offense taken at all. I appreciate the advice, and the message. I think my Dad is beginning to think that she's just out of contact for a while (she does do that sometimes, after all), and having been around her more (he lives in TN, while I'm in CA), he's more used to this kind of thing. I agree that when a person isn't at their best, talking to family can be a chore that's to be avoided at all costs. And in Michelle's case, no one in the family supports the decisions she's made over the past few years, and she knows it, which could very rationally lead to a period of no contact. But flashboy & moneyjane & Mr. K and everyone else have gotten through - uncontactable is not acceptable, and we have a responsibility to her as a member of our family to do something. So, if the mysterious, helpful lurker, and the other Mofi members, and Dad, and I, don't come up with anything by Saturday, I'll be calling in the troops, so to speak. Thanks again to you all. People have been saying some bad things about Mofi lately, and you guys just proved them all wrong. ))))))))))
• Good luck, Minda25. I don't have any useful suggestions, but when you do manage to find her, you might want to stress that you love her and worry about her and the babe, and that was why you were trying to find her.
• Minda: There is no guarantee that they will do a public service call. As I understand it, they do it if they have nothing else pressing at the moment. I'm not even sure all police departments do PS calls (they do where my mom lives, but it's not a very big town). But it's worth asking. A few caveats: 1. They are police. If someone is up to no good, they kinda have to do something about it. 2. If no one is home, they may just leave, depending on policy. You would still have to file a missing persons report because they have no way of knowing that she is missing. 3. They probably won't let you know the results. As I understand it, they just stop by. It's up to the contactee to actually do something. All in all, if you know the town or city where she lives or her last known address, it's worth calling the PD and asking them to stop by and see if she's alright.
• minda25: as a retired police officer, I counsel you to hire a private investigator as the best means of finding your sister. The police are somewhat restricted in searching for adults who may have disappeared through their own free will. The police also, sad to say, sometimes just don't care enough (or are too damned busy) to thoroughly search for any missing person. A P.I., on the other hand, earns his or her keep by doing the job and getting results. Regarding the obituaries: can you not acquire a copy of them from the paper(s) in which they were published?
• When the law firm I worked for wanted to find someone, they used the two following companies:ChoicePoint and 19 years ago by goofyfoot
• I disappeared myself on purpose, as an adult. My mom didn't file on me until eleven years after I went off the radar, and that sent a pretty clear message. While my case is extreme, keep in mind that as angry as your sister may be at what she may see as interference, she will know that you care about her, though she may never ever tell you that. I too wish you the best of luck.
• People do it all the time, moneyjane. The thing is, minda25 can find her sister and contact her, and involve her in the decision regarding whether or not to tell the rest of the family what's up, should she have disappeared herself for a reason. If she did, minda25 can respect her wishes not to be found.
• The cop who found me did it totally by fluke - I had filed a police report on something else, and the only information that matched their missing person's file was my birthdate, which I guess popped on some kind of computer search - so maybe a private investigator is the best bet to quickly establish if she's just scarce, rather than in danger.
• Keep us updated minda, and good luck.
• Wish you all the best, minda, and hope things turn out well for all in your family.
• Ditto, 25. good luck mate.
• Let us know what happened, minda, and good luck. I went underground myself for an extended period once (that is, like flashboy, stopped communicating but was locatable) and I know the sort of confusion and anxiety it causes family and friends. She may feel angry with you for "interferring" but she'll get over that. moneyjane is right, not trying to find her sends a very powerful message. So you're doing the right thing.
• Best of luck minda.
• Good morning all! Our helpful lurker has found the obits, even though I'd mistakenly put 2002 instead of 2003 as their dates of death. I have those names I needed, and today I'll be calling Mississippi like crazy trying to get some info. I'll keep ya posted...
• That's good to hear, minda. Who was that masked lurker?
• Just a quick update: Last week we found 2 addresses for someone who should know the latest on Michelle. Unfortunately, they're both in rural Mississippi, and Dad has to do some calling to post offices & such to find out how to get there. Hopefully that'll happen today. We'll take the information we get from her and, if we hear Michelle's alive & Devin okay, do nothing (except be very angry). If she doesn't know anything about where Michelle is, or anyone who can help us further, we're not going to file a police report. Based on what I've read here, and on the fact that if she isn't actually missing we may have to pay for the time the police spent looking for her, a police report is not the way to go. What we'll do is call Child Protective Services (or whatever passes for it in Mississippi) and tell them we think Devin may be in danger. She'll be offended, of course, but it's the only option we have, since we don't have the small fortune to pay for police work or a private investigator. I'll post again when I have more information.
• good luck with this, minda! Hopefully you'll not need it, but here's the Mississippi Chld Protective Services website.
• Minda: I have access to some public records databases, and will be glad to help. I just sent you an e-mail to the addy on your profile
• Hello all. Well, she's been found, alive, although I won't go so far as to say "and well". We contacted the person I was looking for in those obits, who had Devin, and who led us to her. Many, many thanks for all the help and support.
• Glad you found her minda! Best wishes to you all.
• Nice one 25.
• glad you were able to find her and the child!
• I hope everything is okay (although it doesn't sound like it is). Nice sleuthing, junior detectives. Was your nephew being well looked after, at least?
• Glad to hear this had a somewhat-happy ending. Hope things are okay for the future.
• Thanks for the update, and I hope that things get better for her and you.
• Whew, maybe not the best outcome, but I'm glad you know where she is.
• Glad to hear the outcome is, if not a precise happy ending, at least a potentially hopeful ending. Good luck to all involved in the future!
• Yes, glad to hear you're getting some decent resolution with this.
• Devin has been well taken care of, no worries there. I just don't know about Michelle, but I have to respect the fact that she's an adult, and will live her life as she sees fit. Thanks again for all the help and support.
• props that things are if not okay, at least less terrifying.
• Glad it's been worked out.
• Thanks for the update, Minda.
• Glad you found them, and thsanks for letting us know how it went.