February 17, 2005

• I haven't had a date since 1998 or so, so don't ask me.
• I can only speak for myself, but it seems to me the dating scene right now is split into two main groups: A) I'll sign up for some of the online personals sites and see what sticks or B) I'll never do the online dating, I'll just meet people through my friends. I've been a strong proponent of choice B, and it generally has worked pretty well for me. However, I have heard many success stories from choice A as well. Since I live in a pretty big urban area, (NYC,) it's probably easier to meet people through both methods. Outside the big cities, I have no idea what's going on. Granted, I haven't had much luck lately, but that's partly because, after the last gf, I've decided to take a long time off to re-evaluate myself and what I'm looking for...
• I've never...dated. Well, I tried it once or twice, but no, I've not been much on the dating scene. Eventually, I decided the best way to meet women was to go into community musical theatre, because the men there are, 95% of the time, gay or married, whereas the women are usually heterosexual and single, so it works out nicely. That's how I met my girlfriend, and we never really dated.
• my mom uses match.com, with mixed success. she meets some nice guys here and there, but hasn't really connected with any yet. and it's been several years.
• "That's how I met my girlfriend, and we never really dated." hmmm... I have to think about this statement... there seems to be an oxymoron here someplace.. Perhaps we need to further define date 'cuz something in my head will not connect the "my girlfriend" and "we never really dated".... not a snark, Sandspider, just curious as to how that might work.... I really think it's the concept of "date" that we need to discuss...perhaps the process has changed over the years.....
• HuronBob -- That might apply with my wife and I. I had known her as a friend for three years, and at the time she was living with a boyfriend with whom she'd grown apart. We quickly got involved since we already knew each other, and she pretty much moved in immediately with me. So there was no "dating" phase (and probably no need for one at that stage).
• Roly...I'm wondering if the number of couples that have started this way has increased over the years... that would have pretty much been unheard of back in the "old days" (meaning, like, the '60's '70's when I was much involved in the process) And, if so, what factors in the culture have been important in this change in the coupling dynamic...
• My girlfriend lives in me noggin'. She makes me do bad things when she's angry.... Oh God.. she's coming back!
• I'm not even going to say how long it's been since I had a date . . . /self pity I think the dating "scene" though is more a function of your age than anything else. I blame my datelessness on the fact that I'm entering my 40s, and the rules are just different now. *struggles to keep self pitying comment away, barely succeeds* In your twenties it's easier to meet people and less people are married; it seems to get progressively more difficult each year. By the time you're 40, it feels like either everyone else is married, or there's a damn good reason why they aren't. I've never had any luck with online personals, and I've never met anyone at a bookstore/supermarket either. I've met all my boyfriends the old fashioned way: dead drunk at bars. Actually that's not true; I've met the majority of them through friends. Who were dead drunk at bars. But even back in the day, I had fairly long term relationships where we never "dated" - we met through friends, ended up going to bed together, ended up moving in together, all without a formal "date." I keep hoping something like that will happen again, but if it doesn't, it doesn't.
• Rolypolyman, you're right about trawling the bars. Picking up at the clubs doesn't happen much, from what I can see. However, there IS a lot of flirtation going on there. It just doesn't lead anywhere -- the lights come on, the magic ends, and everyone goes home. Personally, I've never picked up in a club, despite my efforts. I came to the bar scene rather late, waiting until I was done with school. As a result, I'm a good chunk older than most of the people there -- no doubt this is a contributing factor to my lack of pull. I'd have to compete with barely-legal Slim Jims, and at the club, there's not much chance for girls to love me for my mind. It's outside the clubs where things happen, usually by introductions to friends of friends, being set up, that sort of thing. Dates only seem to come about that way. And in my case, it's proving to be a bit of a problem, as a) my social circles are already well-trawled, and b) being 31 means that more and more of my friends and their lady friends are staying home and getting serious with marriage and kids and stuff. There's a real lack of possibilities. I could go younger, I suppose, but that's not something I'm particularly interested in, nor are they, I suspect. That being said, I love being single. I've grown quite attached to my solitary ways (indeed, this causes problems once I actually start dating, but that's another thread).
• had fairly long term relationships where we never "dated" - we met through friends, ended up going to bed together, ended up moving in together, all without a formal "date." That's basically my situation as well, and I've been with my guy for 7 years. I can't really say if that's the norm since I didn't have much of a social life before then (or now, really, let's be honest), but I do know that a number of friends who have ended up marrying, etc. followed the same basic track. The idea of asking someone out on a date seems like something you'd see on TV.
• I haven't dated in three years. I think it's a fairly stupid endeavor, to be totally honest, as it's based almost entirely on bullshit. On top of that, we've all become such craven assholes when it comes to romance that even if someone did find the "real thing" through dating, they're more likely than not to second guess their way out of it and fuck it up anyway. I've actually been told things like, "You're too nice for a good-looking guy, so I'm going to assume you're playing me and just end this now." The hell? I used to be very good at the dating game until I realized I wasn't in it in search of "The One", I was in it to get laid and move on. So I guess I may be partially responsible for my low opinion of dating as it is. Of course, I tend to dig crazy chicks too, so, YMMV...
• That's how I met my girlfriend, and we never really dated. My circle in college (Gen X, graduated 1989) definitely ran in groups and then pairs fell out of the group, but there wasn't much in the way of old-fashioned dating. When couples were dating, it was because they were already together. When my (now) husband and I first met and he asked me on a date and I said yes, I literally didn't realize until I got off the phone that I had been asked on an actual date. It was the first courting-style date I'd had since I'd been on since my high-school boyfriend's prom. And, mind you, I'd been MARRIED in between. I don't know what the dating scene is like because I've never in my life been out in it.
• Since moving to NYC four years ago, I've become pretty pragmatic about dating. And I've met men mostly through online venues. Like Jaypro22 supposed, it is a much more convenient method in an urban area. At first it was because I didn't know anyone here, and it seemed like a good way to meet people. I continued because my social circles (reproductive health, paganism, etc) weren't conducive to meeting straight men. For the most part, it's been a pretty positive experience. Once I filtered out the creeps, bozos and married guys, I met some really nice guys from a variety of backgrounds- a dentist, a couple of lawyers, several musicians, bankers, a horticulturist, a philanthropic millionaire, and a big name blogger to name a few. The result: lots of first dates, a few longer term dating situations, and two long term relationships (one of which I am 7 months into now). Sometimes I get a little dating weary, but then I meet someone like the guy I am with now, and it makes it all worthwhile.
• I have had very good success with online dating. My advice is, as follows: Be as specific as you can be about yourself, your interests, and what you are looking for. Do not write a profile that tries not to offend people. You don't care about those people. Write a profile that is aimed squarely at the type of person who interests you. "I like walks on the beach, sunsets, movies, travel, and music." This is useless. It describes everyone and no one. You might as well close your eyes and point to a name in the phone book. "I like spending time at the zoo and the racetrack, 80's action movies and modern slob comedies, going to the West Coast when I can, and listening to 70's classic rock bands and modern rap. I also have a collection of over 300 GI Joe dolls." There. You have just scared away most of the readers. That is a good thing. But the ones who are left over are going to be much, much better options.
• so, bernockle, do you prefer the classic 12" GI Joe or the modern 4" figures? ;)
• Are you hitting on me?
• If you have an original Optimus Prime Transformer, then I'm hitting on you.
• no, just illustrating how easy it is to start a conversation when given sufficient detail (and curious about your specific example details). I never went for GI Joe, personally.
• Shit. So that just leaves me with middleclasstool, who knows I am no longer interested now that I know that he is not middleclassstool. My options are limited. Perhaps I will alter my profile.
• Er, yeah, I date all the time. It's easy in Portland, and then again, I'm 22. But I frequently meet cool girls in bars. The local bars are the social common grounds for a community, you just have to be of the mindset to want to meet people in a pub. Whether it's the girl sitting in the barstool next to you or the couple you're playing pool with, there's plenty of opportunities. I met my current girlfriend at a party - she was a friend of a friend, but we just started talking and hit it off on our own.
• see, my ex had a pretty sweet GI Joe collection at one time, and he gave it away so people wouldn't think he was childish. I should've known something was wrong :)
• (with him of course, not you, bernockle.)
• I'm pretty convinced that dating doesn't exist. As a grad student, it is especially frustrating since there are tons of pretty girls around, but they are less than half my age, and sorry, I dated a girl 5 years younger than me once and that was a big mistake. Since all my friends are grad students none of us have much time for socializing, and i don't know any single straight women. If i go to the bars, there are all the kids in their early 20's who I don't want to have anything to do with romanticly. I searched a couple online dating sites, one had two intersting women in town, so i paid the money and neither of them has went to the site to check to see if anyone sent them a message since! How is it that I'm single? I mean come on, I study videogame players, I love wrestling, comic books, sci fi, kung fu, and horror movies! How can I not be beating them off with a stick?
• If you're gonna get a hit, you gotta swing the bat.
• I have an original Optimus Prime on my desk... The question is, mct, do you have an original Megatron?
• Since I returned to the dating scene about 3 years ago, I find it very different than it was the first time around. Of course, I'm very different, too. I had limited success dating friends of friends, but I really don't like that scene because it gets third parties involved, and can be awkward after it inevitably goes to shit. I've tried online dating sites, which are a great idea since 90% of women my age are married or otherwise involved, so it's nice to have a pool of available women to start with. Again...limited success...the women I've met there have been pretty normal...and nice...and there are a few just looking to get laid, which is ok too (always happy to oblige). But I think that's where I'll find my dates, at least for the near future. Don't know what I'd do if there was no internet. Just got a first contact today from a local girl, so things could be looking up.
• By the time you're 40, it feels like either everyone else is married, or there's a damn good reason why they aren't. Hmm. That reminds. Dug through some online personals a couple of years ago for fun. Was transitioning from one city to another, and was imagining, you know, what kind of people might be there. On this particular site, you set categories, right? So I chose a bunch of stuff that sounded right and then picked an age group. Then, just for fun, I left everything alone except the age group, which I changed, my independent variable. Well. Results: age 20-25 -- several beautiful, intelligent-sounding, humourous, fun women. No obvious drawbacks. Appealing in every way (on the surface at least). Switch to 26-30. Not 50, mind you. 26-30. Results: maybe pretty, but sounds dumb as a post. Sounds smart but also completely bitter. Good sense of humour but not at all good-looking. In other words, a tradeoff. Always a tradeoff. So I sympathize. As for the stuff I've actually done/tried, had a blind date that worked out reasonably well, but that was set up by a mutual friend. Wow, a long time ago. Never done online, nor any kind of service. Ditto regarding getting together without actually "dating". Have thought off and on about the online thing, as I think I look good on paper, if you know what I mean, and ok in person, too. My main problems are: 1) lack of casual contacts to meet new people through, and 2) I hate kissing ass. Sometimes a party or a club just looks to me like one long line of guys laughing at jokes they don't think are funny, agreeing with things they don't believe, just to get someone into bed. Depressing. And demeaning. I won't do it.
• I've never dated. Don't have a fucking clue about it. I was with someone for years, then with someone else for years, and eventually because of economics I found myself in a new city . . . . . . which is when it occurred to me I should date. So I asked a few men out. Since I didn't know anyone, they were just fellas I met that interested me. I was nice about it! But mostly the reaction I got was, "YOU'RE asking ME?" as if that was some horrendous, egregious breaking of untraducible tradition. That got me gunshy.
• For myself, I met my wife in college and think that's the way to do it- there's new people coming in all the time, and at that point in life, you are still establishing your priorities and life plans and it's fairly easy to adjust, compared to when you are used to a single lifestyle for the past ten years. The bookstore/supermarket remark got me to thinking, though- if I were single now (early 40's), how would I go about meeting someone? I think you meet all your friends of friends after a while; if none of them work out, you can expand that pool by joining organizations where the people share your interests- a special interest club, a church, a charity. If you don't find your match there after a while, pick up a new interest and join a new club. And in the meantime, you are doing something you enjoy and/or giving back to the community. Both of those things are going to make you a better person and more appealing to a potential mate.
• I choose wife from mail-order catalogue. They post her to me for small packaging charge! She good! But still I cannot get stamps off. Please to help me, I desperate man.
• Heh. I guess it helps to be flexible with age. I am 31. For some reason, I've only ever dated guys who were exactly my age, or guys who were at least 10-20 years older than me. Yes, there may be some peculiarity with men in their 40's who have never married. But often they have just spent the earlier parts of their lives intensly involved in career. By the mid to late 40's, they are like, "holy shit, I am going to die alone" and they get much more relationship oriented. That's my experience, anyway.
• After 12 years (12 YEARS!) of monogomy, I recently entered the single scene. Of course, I planned to wait for at least a year, cause, you know why seek rebound, eh? So. I settled into my single ways, not much changed, got busy most nights w/ the band, music lessons, etc. Started to really like being single, my sunday and monday nights of alone time, catching up. I live out in the sticks. I'm a musician. So, I go to the local square dance pretty regularly -- not because I'm looking, but because I love to dance. Somehow I have picked up a rep as a good dancer (waltzing, I think). Watch out, single-man! Now, I suppose you could say I'm dating. The rural-hippie single scene is in some ways unique, but has a distinct pattern. Most people come out here with a partner, break up eventually, wait, hook up with either (a)other newly single hippie or (b) new single arrival (fresh meat!). And, yes, it is great fodder for the songwriter.
• goofyfoot: So I asked a few men out. Since I didn't know anyone, they were just fellas I met that interested me. I was nice about it! But mostly the reaction I got was, "YOU'RE asking ME?" as if that was some horrendous, egregious breaking of untraducible tradition. That bites, but it says more about them than about you. All the single (and maybe some of the non-single) guys I know would be thrilled and flattered as hell if a woman asked them out. That's how I got together with Mister shinything. He was a friend of a friend, I liked the cut of his jib and asked him out. Poor guy, didn't know what he was in for. MWAHAHAHAA!!!
• By the mid to late 40's, they are like, "holy shit, I am going to die alone" and they get much more relationship oriented /looks at watch Oh. Shit.

• But mostly the reaction I got was, "YOU'RE asking ME?" as if that was some horrendous, egregious breaking of untraducible tradition.

  Wierd. I've almost always been asked, not asking.
• Do you think datings different in the US and UK?