January 26, 2005

• Without question, you tell the person.
• ... this is long term (15-20 years in the future)... and uncertain if it has any real negative repercussions...
• by that... I mean that it is an uncertain thing... My best friend's SO has a heart disorder and he's only been seeing her for a short while (IMO)... he's obviously broken up about this, and short of doing the heartless (no pun intended) thing i.e. beaking up with her, which he nobly refuses to do, what is he to do? It did get me thinking though... I have high blood pressure, and a bad attitude towards health in general... my sweet, sweet, SO (according to stats) will outlive me, and I know this... I'm just reckless about my own personal life and I don't see any real change happening... It could be with the help of some monkeys that I'll be willing to change my lifestyle... (if the majority agrees)
• Oh... and PLEASE don't bash this FPP... or if you have to, be gentle... I know it may not seem FPP worthy to some of you, but I really am hurting about this...
• Tell the person gently.
• I would say to tell them. I dated a type I diabetic for about a year, and I knew the consequences of this. When I thought we were going to be together for a long time (allow me a small, bitter "ha" here), I had to take this information into account.
• The short answer is: yes, you tell them. But it doesn't always have to be a TV drama "Honey, I have something to tell you" moment. I can't seem to explain exactly what I mean here, but for example my SO didn't sit me down for a big talk even though he has diabetes and HBP as well as being older than me to start with...I learned about over time (well, except for the age part, I already knew that). It's understood that I'll outlive him without it being a big issue. But if there were something more serious, like the heart disorder or cancer or something, I think you do have to make a bigger deal out of that.
• I don't understand. Why are you unwilling to change your behavior? You love your sweetie, right? So take care of yourself. It's not just a matter of quantity, but quality. Regardless of the amount of time you have to share with your sweetie, and others, don't you want that time to be full of energy and presence and good health? Personally, I'm a big advocate of talk therapy. I've had several therapists off and on, over the last 10 years or so, and have experienced much personal growth because of it. A friend of mine has been doing 12-step, AA, for the last several months, and it's really made all the difference. This is a big topic, and I don't mean to capsulize, but this format is limited. But a central value in my life is personal growth, and facilitating the growth of those I'm in relationship with. Life is hard, and there's a lot of pain going around, but love, beginning with kindness towards oneself, is healing. Deep happiness is achievable. This I truly believe. Personally, I've come a long way, and still have a long way to go. But there's a little seed of love and happiness there, that flares up into real good stuff sometimes, and guides me the rest. Can I get an Amen?
• Debaser, I'd tell her. I did tell my man and he told me, and we'll grow not-so-old together. Aside about managing health: I have a chronic illness that is unlikely to be fatal but has long-term consequences and my husband has one that can be managed but the complications are likely to get him in the end. The only person who can manage a chronic condition is the person living it. The world is full of temptation. It will not change, so the person has to. And nagging them into changing doesn't work. I know from both sides of the equation. When they train people to manage their diabetes, they tell the men not to put all the food changes on their wives. They tell them that sometimes the wives die (or leave) and the men DIE because someone else was managing their health and they don't do it for themselves. They don't know how to take care of themselves in a livable way. Should you encourage a person with chronic health problems to live better? Yes. Should you support them when they try to do better? Of course! But ultimately they have to have the freedom to kill themselves, or they're not really saving themselves. Sorry for the derail, but that's a HUGE issue of mine.
• If someone hid that from me I'd wonder what else they were capable of hiding.... Just tell her.
• It could be with the help of some monkeys that I'll be willing to change my lifestyle... (if the majority agrees) Okay, this is gonna sound like a sales pitch, but I'm gonna try to help: Three words: South. Beach. Diet. I became interested because several friends went on it with amazing (as much as 50 lb. weight loss) results. I have been living on the meal plans from the book since the first of the year. Results to date: The diet is easy to live on, I've gone from from 236 to 216 lb. in 25 days (that's 20 lb. in 25 days), I feel better than I've felt in ages, and my blood pressure, which was hanging around border-line high of 130/90 for several years even with meds is now down below 120/80. After relaxing for a few minutes, I even measured 103/67. In three weeks, all my current clothes are loose; I'm on the tightest notch on all my belts and one of them is loose- I've lost at least 3 inches in the waist in 3 weeks. I eased into the diet mentally: I ran across several friends who had lost weight, they were all on South Beach. I read the book, then I waited until New Year's so I could enjoy the holidays. As soon as I got on the diet, the pounds started jumping off my body. The key to remember is that the diet was not designed as a weight loss plan, it was designed as a heart health plan. I just happens to be pretty good for shedding pounds as well. I know this sounds like an infomercial, but look into the diet. Do it. Commit to it. It will work. I plan to be down to 170 lb. this spring when my son graduates from high school. That's as much as I weighed when I was in high school myself.
• Many people have mentioned good reasons to be open with your SO about your situation. I'll just throw out one more. To make sure possible dreams get fulfilled. Assuming there is a fairly firm deadline involved here, and not just pessimism, there may be things your SO would really want to do but has never pushed for before. To use an obvious example, in such a situation the desire to have children might go from idle speculation to high priority. Your SO could have any number of dreams that would turn into very concrete goals if they knew the time limit involved. If denied this info, those dreams might turn into very bitter disappointments.
• Ah, here's my first reaction. I can sort of see trying to hide your problems to keep him or her from years of worry. BUT, you would also deprive your SO of the ability to help you get your health under control. Sharing is a nice bonding experience. If the two of you are all "sex, drugs, rocknroll, die young, leave a beautiful corpse", well, hey, go out in a dramatic way and your lover will probably love providing you with a dramatic funeral. However, the fact that you're worrying about this leads me to believe that that doesn't fit. So, first of all, get medical help and a lifestyle prescription. Then tell your SO what the chances are and make sure she/he gets a checkup, too - assuming you share the dangers. What would you accomplish by not 'fessing up? And, do it for the monkeys, as well.
• You're not dying; you're giving up. Nothing is going to change until you figure out why you don't feel you have a place in this world. I was hit by a bus in a foreign country. I should have died but didn't. I learned two things. 1. Any of us, including your SO can be gone from your life in seconds. 2. Like it or not, life is good - in fact, it's better than any of us'll ever be as an individual. The problem isn't your health. It's whether or not you want to be here at all. I'm not being harsh here; I'm being concise. I think advice about something as important as this benefits little from cushioning. Leave that for the trivial stuff you don't really care about.
• MoneyJane is right. 1) Before you read this post, either one of you could be toast for some OTHER reason. (is she out right now in the car?) 2) If you actually love this person, LET THEM HELP YOU. Some people have nobody in their lives to fulfill this purpose. You are lucky. Talk to your partner. Always. Period. Are they your partner or not?
• Dude, you're looking at 15-20 years of pity sex. Milk this for all it's worth. (Or, depending on the ailment, don't tell 'em and just die one day. Saves on overall angst. It's like life on credit!)
• I would definitely speak up. The point of a relationship is that you two can rely on each other - your SO helps you get through the rough times, and you're there to comfort them as they deal with it. As far as improving your own health, the key is to go at it gradually. Most people fail because they try to do too much at once, and get burned out after a few weeks. Getting healthy is about changing your lifestyle, not something temporary like a diet or an exercise fad. Start with baby steps. Just by changing little things like eating whole-wheat bread instead of white, or eating a piece of fruit for a snack instead of a candy bar, can really make a huge difference in your health, but take virtually no effort.
• An ex had a congenital heart condition that would cause her to have palpatations and all sorts of other random wackiness. She told me all the time we were together she wouldn't live to see 25. I was prepared to deal with that eventuality and still told her to shut up. I was glad she told me and I'd deal if she died, but she needed to stop being so damn pessimistic.
• This is something the important people who share your life should be made aware of, and most especially your SO. In truth, Debaser626, no one can be sure s/he has twenty more years -- or twenty more seconds, come to that. Life is a chancy business for everyone, and plainly speaking to be born is to live under sentence of death, though a timetable it is not revealed to most of us. Medical advances are such that in twenty years time, progress in treatment may well be such that a remedy will then exist for your condition. Meanwhile, live in the now, the present moments, enjoy your life, and take reasonable care of yourself, but don't be glooming over what may or may not happen twenty years down the road. Make the most of what you have -- and do share your fears and doubts with your partner and your friends.
• Thanks for the advice, guys (really)... though I'm not really all that concerned about my health right now... I am on a aspirin regime for the HBP. (Though I guess I could lay of the burgers). I did tell my SO about my HBP, and I definitely will look into the South Beach diet. The main core of this post was that two of my friends, the one I mentioned above and another are both involved with SOs who have definitive long term health issues, and I was just trying to get a feel for the impact that would put on a relationship. I was trying to put myself in their shoes, and started thinking about my own health issues and got freaked, and wasn't concise in my post... maybe it has something to do with this?
• ...though maybe I should harp on the pity sex angle.... indeed..... *cough* *cough*
• Oh, and the ex that wouldn't live to see 25? I just sent her a gift for her 30th birthday last week. =)
• excellent, surly... glad to hear it.
• I agree with moneyjane. I would also add that you should see Gattaca.
• There's another aspect - depending on the closeness of the relationship, there are certain legal and financial matters that need to be worked out to protect the surviving S.O. I have a pretty good relationship with my dearly beloved's mother and a lot of respect for her - but when he nearly died, that didn't stop her from making it clear that she would inherit everything. All the financial and legal things should be taken care of anyway - living wills, wills, powers of attorney - but at least for us it took a crisis to get the papers signed. Try not to put it off until the last minute just in case that bus gets you.
• 2 cents- i was diagnosed with HBP about 2 years ago. they said lose weight, put me on a low dose pill. i thought nothing of it. cause i feel good and strong. course then last year they bumped up my dosage, cause i still don't eat right and stopped going to the gym (because of back problems) but thought nothing of it, cause i feel strong and good. yesterday i got a brand new HBP pill on top of the one i already take and found out that like most people with HBP, i have insanely high lipid and cholesterol, so now theres another pill to take. i'm just saying i know it's hard to make changes that can prolong your life when you don't feel bad, especialy when you feel good and strong, but maybe both of us need to reassess things.
• hell, we're all dying. some faster than others. everyone has their issues. if you love a human, you love the bad with the good. of course tell her.
• Perhaps there's a subconscious fear in your part, about what disclosure would exert on your relationship? Maybe a change of mind of your SO? Well, I'd say that would be a good way to explore the depth of your bond. You're showing honesty; see what you receive in exchange. A real partner is supposed to be someone you can rely and trust in; someone you open up to completetly, isn't it?
• Trying to control someone else's behavior by limiting their knowledge is simply wrong. One doesn't have that right. Be honest and forthcoming and hope for the best.
• I'm confused why this question is being asked. Because the answers seem fairly easy. Why? Because in a relationship unconditional love (true love) has no conditions.
• I am with Beeswacky and Moneyjane. You tell them, but it doesnt have to be some dramatic thing. None of us know when our number might be up, and to get all angsty about an uncertainty 15 years in the making is a little absurd. Besides, if you actually have 15 years of happiness with your SO, that is more than most people get. My last and current b/f both have congenital, anomyalous heart conditions (and they are both bass players, what are the frickin odds?). Their longevity is a little uncertain. But it was never a factor in whether I would continue the relationship. I also dated someone 26 years older than me... it was pretty likely that he would die before me too. But now that I think about it, maybe this is just how I handle my commitment phobias.
• starrybaby- Your story sounds somewhat like mine. And although I didn't mention it in my little infomercial above, one day the thought occurred to me that I was taking more and more medications every year and I suddenly became determined that I was going to reverse it. Right now I am on a beta blocker for HBP, a diuretic to help it, a double dose of niacin for cholesterol, an acid reflux pill, a Claritin for hives, and an aspirin. Every day. Every stinkin' day. My hope is that by the time I go for my physical in May, my doctor looks at my (hopefully) successful weight loss program and says that it's time to wean me off all those pills.
• IMHO intimacy and respect demand that you tell them. How you do it is the thing to figure out.