January 16, 2005

• have her and your other ex-girlfriend make out. that would be HOT.
• Ignore her, and stick with it. You can't even begin conversation, even to firmly, yet kindly tell her to never call/see you again. That will just fuel the fire. I've dealt with a couple of girls like this (nowhere near as bad, tho') and I've found that an absolute conviction to ignoring them and refusing to acknowledge their existence is the quickest and easiest road to separation. She'll hate you forever, but it sounds like it'd be for the best. It really sucks that she knows where you live, I guess if she "happens to be in the 'hood" again, you shouldn't open the door, just tell her through the closed door you have company and can't be bothered presently. When she calls, don't pick up, or hang up on her. I feel for your pain squid.. It's hard to be a dick to someone who's messed up, especially when you know how it is, but it needs to be done. Lastly, remember that she may not be able to kick your ass "mano a psycho," but crazy is crazy... Be careful squid... (One of the girls I dealt with liked to take out her anger on my car...)
• You could always try telling her she acts like a stalker and has ruined a relationship and you don't want to talk to her anymore, ever. My boy had a girl doing something like that to him. Tho it never really got to the point of being stalker-ish, and I certainly never met her. I'm not sure how he managed to get rid of her, actually... He's too nice to tell someone to shut up and go away too. And he'd let her talk at him for hours. And fall asleep, apparently without her noticing... heh. But other than that, completely ignoring her ought to work eventually. Get caller ID and don't answer when she calls, don't answer the door when she comes by, don't talk to her if you see her (as much as this is possible)... On preview, what Debaser said.
• Your gut was right. This woman is very bad news. Buy a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. It's the bible of escorts dealing with nutjobs everywhere. It's where our motto "Always Trust Your Gut" is explained in depth, by a guy whose sole job it is to tell people how to stay out of the situation you're in, and how to get out in one piece if you're already in the shit. Any attention you give this woman of any kind will prolong her attention to you. Do not speak with her on the phone. Do not refer to here on any outgoing message. If you do not have a way to see who is at your door, get one. Do not speak to her through the door. In my opinion this woman is dangerous to both you and your ex-girlfriend because you both have become a focus for her irrational anger. She may well run into your ex somewhere, and you should let her know what's happening so she can at least avoid this bitch on the street. She'll see your ex as either 'in the way', or as a source of information about you. Any personal aspect of you she can access is like blood in the water, especially if this is happening six months down the road. This is pretty serious, and you need as much good info as you can get. Please get the book asap.
• WAY too Fatal Attraction for my tastes. Keep her away from yourself and any future girlfriends. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Screen your calls and make sure you know who's at the door before you open it. Also, don't waste any of your time feeling responsible. Yes, she obviously has problems, but they aren't your problems. You didn't cause them or contribute to them and you did nothing but demonstrate good judgement early on when you cut things short. Debaser is right--there's nothing to be gained by trying to reason with her. One last thing... it wouldn't hurt to keep a log of these "accidental encounters," as well as phone calls (or visits), with date, time and what got said (if you talk with her again). Not to try to scare you or anything, but if she is reaching bunny-boiling mode it can't hurt to have some evidence.
• It seems you have forgotten about your natural defense mechanism: Ink!
• Squiddy, how did you meet my ex-wife?
• This happened to a close male friend a number of years ago. Ignore her completely. If she approaches you again state clearly that the two of you are not compatible and sadly you two can’t be friends. If she approaches you again file a report with the police. Next contact get a court order. When this happened to my buddy he waited too long and it came to violence and property damage. Good luck.
• So, I guess what I need to do is what I knew that I needed to do all the long, turn into a flaming asshole from hell and make myself so unappealing and scarce that she will (hopefully) leave me alone. Thanks everyone for reinforcing what I knew to be true, it's just hard for me to do when sommeone says they want to be my friend. BTW moneyjane, I have ordered "The Gift of Fear" and will read it ASAP. Thanks.
• Yes, find out what it takes to get a restraining order, and go for it if things get more scary. Maybe it needs to cover your GF, as well. With a restraining order, she cannot come with some number of feet of you. I think 500 is often used. If she does violate that, you call the cops and they arrest her. Take care of yourself.
• Also squidranch be sure to be well behaved, polite and soft-spoken should she approach you. It can be hard to do but essential. Don’t give her any fodder for a he said she said with the police. Any witnesses should be able to say you were above reproach.
• Stalking is usually more of a two-way street than people think. People generally are going to stalk people who are giving them some reaction or attention. I agree with everyone who has said to ignore her completely. If forced to speak, do not be angry or nice. Be very coldly unfeeling.
• squiddy, have you considered reporting this woman's behaviour to the police? And cut all contact with her whatsoever in future. Also, should you ever get a similar 'oh, no' reaction from your gut to anyone else, avoif that person. You evidently pucked on somerthing seriously off-balance about her -- never ignore those feelings again, put distance between you and the person as fast as you can. No fooling.
• I'll give you the same advice I gave my nephew: Stay away from the crazy girls. If any of you crazy girls have more trouble finding dates after my advice, well, too bad.
• Tons of very good advice above -- all of it. The fact that things keep cascading to a worse and worse level is solid reason that you should cut this off 100%, and start thinking about a police report and restraining order before you find yourself in over your head.
• Psycho chicks are the BEST!!! Seriously, she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you don't want any part of this. It sounds like you've been WAY too accomodating and friendly with her...but I think you already know that. Good luck.
• Cut off all contact, get a restraining order, and warn your ex to do the same. It probably shouldn't wait.
• Stay away from the crazy girls Where were you 10 years ago, Sandspider? Oh. Well.
• the crazy girls rule. what's your problem??!?
• Can you get a restraining order if she hasn't actually threatened you?
• I went through something similar not too long ago. First thing I learned was that the police are likely not going to be helpful unless/until she does something. Next thing I learned was to screen all of my calls and not answer the door until I knew who it was. Since my Very Special Friend would go bonkers if he could even see movement behind the peephole, I bought a cheap wireless camera to stare at the front door for me. And then there were public confrontations. If he approached me in public, I would get up and leave. Not one word ever spoken, not even "go away" or "leave me alone," not even acknowledging his presence with eye contact. Yeah, it was scary and also a royal pain in the ass. Yeah, it took months for the message to get across, but eventually it did. Crazy people don't give up easily.
• It depends on the kind of crazy. This kind is the wrong one.
• I have to agree with the no-contact-whatsoever advice. I've been stalked, and I learned any attention, whether positive or negative, only reinforces the behaviour. Screen calls, don't answer the door if she's at it, don't speak to her if she arranges to "bump into you" on the street. Just walk by as if she isn't there. And even if the police won't do anything unless she actually threatens or assaults you, police reports do establish a pattern of harrassment that makes it much easier to get a restraining order or even bring about prosecution under stalking laws. Warn your ex and give her the same advice. Consider changing your phone number, and if you do get a new number, make sure it's unlisted. And above all, be careful, squid. In stalking situations, it can escalate to violence very quickly, and often does if the stalker gets any form of attention from their target.
• I recommend The Gift of Fear to anyone breathing. Sooner or later, something you've read in this book is going to save your ass.
• I'm in a similar position at the moment with a person who is supposed to be a friend. I'm not sure how to tell her I don't trust her, and want nothing more to do with her. I don't take her calls and I don't reply to her messages. Is it better to be blunt and then block them as much as possible, or be gentler and back away, and be a slack 'friend' and let them work out that you don't want to be their pal anymore...? She has asked me a few times why I am ignoring her and I haven't told her. Yet.
• my ex had this problem years ago. he moved and changed his telephone number. don't know if you want to go to those extremes but keep it in mind as a possibility.
• the advice above is very good, but it's a little bit contradictory. i have some experience dealing with this stuff through counselling at sexual assault centres, and the experts say that you have to tell a stalker once to leave you alone, in no uncertain terms--not "i don't think this will work" or "i think it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore" but "do not contact me anymore. at all." after that, do NOT respond in ANY way to her attempts to contact you. it will only provide her with hope. second, i don't know where you live, but you may or may not be able to get the police involved at this point. in canada, there is a law in the criminal code called "criminal harassment", which means she doesn't actually have to DO anything to you in order to get the police to press charges. if you do choose to contact the police, you need to start recording her attempts to contact you. save emails and phone messages, and write down dates and times of her coming to your house or whatever. and i know it seems really unfair that you have to change your life, but it's the only way to deal with these problems. finally, i'll second the recommendation for the gift of fear and good luck.
• I think I might pick up The Gift of Fear. Living in the murder capital of Canada, it might come in handy! Good luck Squids.
• Sorry you're having to deal with this, Squid. I second the notion that you shouldn't be a jerk and scare her off -- if she's as crazy as she seems, she'd get a thrill out of charging *you* with something to the police. And, in this day and age, I think the cops would be more willing to believe a woman than a man in cases of this type. I also think the route of ignoring her and keeping detailed notes of her actions would be the way to go. You may also want to park your car in a different place, if you can't keep it in a garage. Good luck!
• What everyone else said, and especially the ignoring. bernockle, if you respond coldly, the nutjob thinks "aha! he loves me! he just can't bear to show how he feels! in fact, the coldness just shows how MUCH he has to hold it back!" ANYTHING can become evidence of your feelings to someone who wants to believe you have a relationship.
• Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder to me. Talk to the police and find out what your rights are. At the very least it will give them a baseline that this person is bothering you. Then screen your calls. Better yet, change your number.
• Stay away from the crazy girls. Isn't that, like, all of them? *ducks*
• "[T]his girl invited me out to dinner “as friends” and over dinner told me that she would like to have a sexual relationship, no strings attached. I was flattered but told her I wasn’t interested." She sounds like fun to me! "Crazy" chicks do make hot treats every now and then. What's she look like and what area code's she in?
• A restraining order is just another way to say "I love you".
• Want me to kill her?
• So, I guess what I need to do is what I knew that I needed to do all the long, turn into a flaming asshole from hell and make myself so unappealing and scarce that she will (hopefully) leave me alone. Don't think of it that way. She has a problem. You're refusing to support it. When she can be a sane, non-obsessive grownup about personal relationships, she can go find herself some friends. Buying into her problems now is not helping her, and refusing does not make you an asshole. She's doing things you don't like. You tell her to stop. How does that make you an asshole? Really. It makes you not a doormat. Thanks everyone for reinforcing what I knew to be true, it's just hard for me to do when sommeone says they want to be my friend. You don't need friends like that. I used to think this way, too, and I feel for ya. I've been in a situation where I thought, "Well, it's better than nothing, right?" and ended up miserable. If I'm reading it wrong (I'm guessing that reading because of the above statement and the fact that you doubted your first reaction) and the problem is that you feel sorry for her, stop. She has problems, and you aren't obligated to make her feel better. Pity is a bad thing. Being someone's "friend" because you pity them is a very bad thing. Trust your gut, like everybody else said. You aren't being an asshole; you're getting out of a bad situation and refusing to feed this chick's demon. I hope it goes well.
• Very well put, wurwilf. You are no more being an asshole to this woman by refusing to engage with her than you would be being an asshole to an approaching wildfire by not greeting it at your door with a cup of tea. Although this seems like a very personal situation, it isn't. Her behaviour is like any nasty force of nature; impersonal. It happens to be you she's focusing on at the moment, but when ignored she will simply move on to someone else to feed her obsession. One of the saddest things about these situations is knowing that the only way she'll really disengage from you is by finding another target; in other words, your eventual relief signals the beginning of another's torment.