January 07, 2005

• I think just-add-water poptarts like her should get booed just for being talentless posers. Lipsynching or singing, she's a waste of valuable carbon.
• The only reason I even know about this girl is because of people publishing stuff like this about her. So she can't sing. You mean to tell me that teen pop stars are all about image and have little talent? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you.
• While I agree her singing is mediocre at best, I wouldn't mind doing naughty things to her.
• I kind of suspect that they have someone entirely separate person recording for her, in attempts to make some sort of franken-popstar. In this way, you can take some pretty chick who can't sing, and make her worth something.
• I read that as "franken-poptart." Mostly because the preceding comment spontaneously spurred an out-of-body experience for me. But now that I think of it, the label would still work.
• I agree with musingmelpomene, she is kinda hawt.
• just-add-water poptarts Cute and gross.
• The Orange Bowl was actually on January 4th, but I was drunk that night too. And the phrase "Fuck her" seems appropriate here, any which way you want to take that.
• I hope she enjoyed her musical "career" while it lasted. I'm sure we'll all miss her unique musical stylings. On second thought, maybe not...
• She's so unique she looks exactly like BRITNEYLOLOMG except she has BLACK hair. amagad she is liek the goth britanye lol so dark!1!
• "Gothnee Spears" LOL
• Red State Fodder ™
• OK, so she got caught and humilated on national TV, then she gets another chance to perform in front of a national audience. Am I the only one that sees something funny here? Either, someone important in the music business really wants her to succeed, or there is a more devious motive at work here. Is it just me, or are we all talking about the orange bowl halftime show now? If it wasn't for this, I am pretty sure we wouldn't be. She is obviously a talentless hack, now its pretty clear that she is being cynically used to gain publicity. They knew she would suck and get booed! And yeah, I agree. I also find her disturbingly hot and repulsive at the same time.
• Hot ?
• Hot ? i'd hit it. no, really hit it. i got this aluminum baseball bat under my bed... /stolen from quonsar
• Mandyman! My eyes, my eyes! Damn you!!!!!!1111
• Um, guys, regarding the baseball bat to the head thing, there was this thread a while ago...
• Good point. Is Ashlee a Republican, or a daughter of a Republican? I need to level-up my hatred...
• No, the point is, that to say that you'd take a bat to a young woman is a more thant just a bit demeaning, it's sexist and downright violent. I can't belive that I (a stereotypical hetero male) am the one taking this stance, but even if you find her music reprehensible, to advocate taking a bat to her is a bit beyond the pale.
• And I still find her hot.
• Ah I LOVE the smell of schadenfreude in the morning!
• I think it's more sexist to evaluate her primarily on the basis of her looks (ie, that you find her 'hot) than to state that you'd hit her with a bat. Where in the wish for violence is there any gender bias?
• But saying you'd take a bat to a young man is a-ok, since it's only downright violent but not sexist. Hyperbolic celebrity-bashing is hardly a matter of -ism. I tend to think it a combination of boredom and superiority complex. In that vein, since I'm bored and superior to Ashley: she was way off-key, even to my untrained ears. Most popstars I've heard live sing better than this. Even Brintey can manage on-key live performances here and there.
• Well, I'll take a poll and see if a woman would find it is more objectionable that I tell her she is hot, or that say that I'd like to hit her with a baseball bat.
• Let me just say I wound not hit Ashley with a bat nor would I entertain the idea of intercourse with her even if quonsar loaned me his penis. Of course she would look at me as no more than a creepy old geezer so my thoughts are irrelevant.
• Ashlee, people. Can we at least spell her name right?
• Sorry Grigner. I just cut and pasted from futher up.
• I've got yer back, squid, but.... I think the point coppermac was trying to make is that hitting her with a bat has nothing to do with sexism. Which is true. However, that's neither here nor there. Threats of violence outweighs sexism most days of the week. That being said, I don't think there was an actual threat of violence against her here. Just the usual jokes getting out of hand. *surveys the landscape from his perch on the fence* And I'm far too old to be thinking about that "singer" in that way.
• Name That Itch. You’re never too old to be immature!
• Yeah, but she's like...young. Aw, screw it. I can think about her while I'm munching on my Werther's.
• If you really embrace the illusion you can be 17 years old but this time more athletic, dashing and articulate than the first time! ;-)
• I prefer to think of myself as the sum of an 11-year-old and a 25-year-old.
• Wow. Now THAT'S kinky...
• The Ashlee incident was just one part of a horrendous Orange Bowl broadcast that included: A country singer doing a song with the refrain "It's all about me", with the producers setting off fireworks every time he sang "me"... A U2 video "debut" consisting of uninteresting performance footage mixed with highlights of the first half of the game (then made available on espn.com)... Formerly-decent sportscaster Lyn Swann giving his lame attempt at a half-time analysis (remember, by the end of the first half, USC had an insurmountable lead) with his back to the action - including a fumble that was actually the most interesting play of the second half... USC being called for TWO unsportsmanlike conduct penalties after their last touchdown... Innumerble bad camera angles for pivotal plays on the field, including gross abuse of the wire-suspended overhead Letterman thrill-cam... And a proliferation of commercial breaks in the second half (Apparently ABC realized that half the audience had tuned out so they decided to run all their 'make-goods' dring the game)... A totally awful way to end the College Football season.
• Oh great. Don't get me started on the whole U2 "video" crap.
• sexist? hmm, i dont know. yesterday i was advocating violence against tucker carlson. having a penis or vagina exempts no one from my 'metaphorical' wrath. i'd take an imaginary baseball bat to eminem's noggin and clay aiken's nutsack, as well. further, i would argue that the sexual objectification of manufactured, disposable popstars is much more problematic w/ respect to third-wave feminist ideology; i.e., reinforcing conservative gender roles and outdated constructions of female sexuality, utilization + dehumanization + sexualization of teenage girls-as-marketing-gimmick for middle aged men, perpetuating unrealistic expectations of beauty, etc. (more disturbing is the fact that it speaks volumes about the truly sickening fetishism of consumer culture itself.) quite obviously, ms. simpson's "value" here is not derived from her intellect, talent, or inner beauty because she seemingly lacks each. at any rate, the difference between an "i'd hit it" comment and an "i'd hit it with a baseball bat" is that, although both comments are of questionable taste, the latter is made purely in jest. on preview, i see that this point has already been made. a bit beyond the pale. ...says the guy that whizzed on a poor, defenseless kitty(!) Touche? /thanks, i'll be here all week. and after tonight's show, i'll be in the lobby selling autographed copies of my new book, 1001 Tasteless Fetus Jokes
• Wedge, we should tour together. I just released 1001 Tasty Fetus Recipes.
• I _love_ what you've done with this thread - it's . . . kicky! but this was so January 06.
• I got news of this young woman from an impeccable source, Bizarre Hatred of Random Celebrities, at Salon. They're the snarkiest bunch around and dislike exploitation. Ashlee's the junior product of one Joe Simpson, nicknamed "Pervy Joe,", who's sucessfully pimped his elder daughter, Jessica, into something like pop ubiquity. He's a Christian who was profiled in the Sunday NYTimes Arts & Leisure section recently in re his desire to find and promote another deserving youngster who he can manage (and profit off of) the way he's done already with his daughters. IIRC, he's going to have a reality show about this. Pervy Joe doesn't mind being quoted about his elder daughter's "double DD breats! They come into the room before she does!" And that now being married, she can "have sex all she wants!" In other words, he's a pimp. This apparently untalented young woman is his second product/progeny. I hope she runs for her life.
• USC being called for TWO unsportsmanlike conduct penalties after their last touchdown... I don't know why this is, but this penalty really peeves me. IMHO if you get one of these calls, you forfeit a touchdown (even if you don't have one yet) AND lose posession of the ball. Two, and you forgeit the game. [/derail] Um ... oh, and yeah, Ashlee sucks! Boo! Hiss! Go back to 7th Heaven! Rah rah hiss ... whatever
• How come I get called out for talking about wanting to shag Xeni Jardin (an adult woman) when a bunch of folks here can say they'd 'hit' Ashley Simpson, who looks barely out of her mid teens? This is grossly unfair, and now I will pout. /pouts
• I'll never understand how anyone can find Ms. Simpson worthy of two bats of an eyelid, far less a "hit". To me she is about as hot as an Arctic winter. Without an aurora borealis.
• You're so cute when you pout, Nostril.
• Damn straight.
• Well, put her in Tucker Carlson's body and then I'd hit it!
• ... first with my ass, and then with a bat!
• Ah wedge, and if you peed in my shoes five times, I would "wizz" on you. Seriously, I would. I'm not going to go on with this thread because I can't imagine that you'd actually take a bat to Ashlee's head given the chance. However, I am disturbed by people's lack of compassion for celebrities. I mean, the girl sucked as a singer. No need to use violent metaphors to show your distaste. I guess as Kenshin implyed above, it is a way of feeling superior to them. Kinda sad though.
• To be fair, all three of the talentless hacks gifted musical artists were booed that night. It seems the type of people who attend major college bowl games tend not to be fans of manufactured bubblegum pop and manufactured country pop.
• I am a fairly traditional sports fan. I view sports as intense competition, exercises in strategy, and beautiful physical activity. I think that the point is to play within the rules, play the best that you can, and win the game when it is within reach. I do not find musical performances at a football game to be anymore appropriate than I would find someone playing ping-pong between songs at a Bob Dylan concert. I stopped watching the Super Bowl many, many years ago. It is the worst football game on television. All of the sports have been diminished by the entertainment-only angle of broadcasting, but none moreso than football.
• College football fans fail to appreciate halftime commercial for teen girl pop -- surprise! Also, LarimdaME, those penalties weren't for fighting or anything, they were for celebration deemed excessive by the NCAA. This is enough to cost a team the game?
• Why have sports announcers on television? Back in radio days there was justification for having one, but why does a televized game or sport need an announcer when viewers can see for themselves what is going on?
• I will never understand how grown people can work themselves into a frenzy at pop singers or boy bands- hello? its music for kids- if you're over 15, it's not intended for you. Move on. It's like being angry at Barney for lacking serious plot or character development. Now, world champion ass clown Bono and U2 on the other hand... rock music was once a serious art form and U2 was once a good if overrated band. And now... "hello hello, I'm in a place called vertigo??!!!" Goodbye, goodbye, you suck.
• I will never understand how grown people can work themselves into a frenzy at pop singers or boy bands- hello? its music for kids- if you're over 15, it's not intended for you. Move on. Move on. Because its hilarious. You just added yourself to it anyway ;) But, move on? Man, that's harsh.
• Hey, President Bush stands in front of people to discuss policy issues he has no understanding about since he never reads reports. Now that's lipsyncing.
• Any child of mine who has such low standards of musical appreciation will soon be a child of the streets. My spawn is listening to Part, Cage, and Crimson until they are 18. Then they are free to choose their own music. Perhaps what the world need is a Reverse-R rating: this may not be viewed by anyone over 18, under penalty of extraordinary rendition.
• I will never understand how grown people can work themselves into a frenzy at pop singers or boy bands- hello? its music for kids- if you're over 15, it's not intended for you. Move on. it would appear so, yes. regarding this instance... from personal experience, however, i can say that the fans at every NCAA Division I football game i've been to were overwhemingly 18-34 men, and 35-60 men; students and alumni. most 12 year old girls could give a shit about a college bowl game, let alone afford to shell out a few hundred bucks for tickets and, probably, airfare & accomodations. preteen girls aren't their only targetted demographic. the differences between the "anger" directed at, say, barney vs. that at sexyteenpopstars are manyfold. i'll highlight a few. barney, for the most part, is just an annoying dufus. his songs suck just as much as any teen popstar's... yet, for 0-3 year old children, barney is at least a somewhat positive role model, and exhibits age-appropriate behavior, i.e., barney doesn't (purposely) dry-hump during his musical numbers, nor does he have titties hanging out of his halter top. most importantly, barney didn't "sleep his way to the top", AFAIK... whereas young girls are groomed by such a trashy, plastic pop subculture to believe that "value" and "success", for young women, is attained not through talent or intellect, but rather the manipulation of older men by means of their sexy meat-parts... whilst simultaneously redefining "sexy" to include only a small set of "desirable", yet wholly unrealistic, physical characteristics. this is problematic. on a more personal level, i am bothered that this shit is still seeping into my brain, under the radar. i don't watch MTV or american idol... yet, the deluge of crap culture is practically unavoidable. publicity stunts are reported as news?! bob dole has a hard-on for britney spears?! some dumbfuck was voted off the island?! how/why do i know or care whothefuck jessica or ashlee simpson is? britney spears alone has managed to overtake at least a gigabyte of memory in my brain. get. out. of. my. head!!
• I found on a feminist website the lyrics to Ashlee Simpson's song, which I can summarize in one of it's lines: "I like it better when it hurts." Imagine engineering your teenage daughter's career to the point that she's humiliated herself twice on national television, and to the point that she's singing that line. While your older daughter is cavorting along on national television as a major dumbass with tits. Oh, and you're a former Christian minister. This Ashlee is a money-making product of and to her owner. Plus she's what, eighteen? And has seen her sister built up to a Vanity Fair article and covers of Star Magazine? Take the bat to her father's head. And whomever hired him to pimp his daughters.
• Crap culture: I will not get out of your head, Wedge. That's not the way I operate. Either you will submit, or you will hemmorhage psychic energy defining yourself as in opposition to me. Either way, I win.
• goofyfoot: hey, pimpin' ain't easy. [see also: the parasite pimp-daddies of beyonce knowles and venus & serena williams, iirc] hawthorne: exactly. :(
• It's pretty sick shit, isn't it? The latest Destiny's Child product promises somebody that she'll keep herself tight, keep her figure right, and put out all night.
• drjimmy, if it's not intended for college football fans, why is it played there?
• Because it's being broadcast coast to coast, to young men which are hard to find/get attention. Somebody in demographics messed up, but I can see how advertising and broadcast execs could get all foamed up about the pairing. I suppose the big mistake was assuming that this was the SuperBowl, where you could put any crap up and everybody would still watch anyway. Wedge: nice post. Spot on about the dry-humping. Oh, and aaronetc, to answer your question: I actually rate fighting as a lesser offense then unsportsmanlike celebrations.
• “However, I am disturbed by people's lack of compassion for celebrities” Oh lord squidranch say it ain’t so. Why should anyone have compassion for this waste of air? If you want to be in the public eye in order to pay the bills then you had best be what the public wants. If they want sexy you best be sexy. They want tough and mean you need to be tough and mean. If they want witty you best be witty. You can never take money for standing in front of the crowd and then complain if they hate you. I get paid a decent amount for selling complex software to C-level executives. If I can’t sell my stuff I will, by the end of the next quarter, be looking for a new gig. I know a bit about software and a bit about running a business but my job success is as much about my articulate nature, outgoing personality and even my looks. I am not handsome but I look “smart” and “trustworthy”. One of my clients could not remember my name but called my firm and asked for “the guy who’s like that really cool college prof you liked to hang out with” and the receptionist knew who she meant. If Ashlee can’t deliver the show the people paying for the seats wants she will be doing background studio work next year. Ce la vie. When I am tempted to feel sorry for the likes of Ashlee I just remember that even if this is her last good year she will have, by 21 years of age, probably have made more money than my father made in a lifetime of hard work. So if she can’t do the job she should be “fired” like the rest of us.
• arse_hat: ever think that a model of seeing the world that demands celebrities be "fired" for failing to please you, yet don't deserve human compassion, is a kind of fucked up model? even celebs are human.
• I.e. even if you think she deserves to fail, you can still feel for her over the pain she feels as a result.
• I don't believe her music is manufactured just for 15 year olds. It was played at the game because they believed we'd suck it up. They intended it for us. The 15ers actually fall for it, but it was meant for us. The studios truly believe that we'll eat shit and like it, and so they continue to feed it to us. This is how little their opinion of us is.
• HawthorneWingo, I think many of us aren't overly sympathetic (or sympathetic at all) about her, because the promotion of her as a pop-star is based on the assumption that most consumers of pop music are tasteless fools who just mindlessly snap up whatever the music industry throws out with sufficient slickness. Stuntmen risk life and limb every time they perform to give us seconds-long action scenes in movies and TV shows. Does anyone express concern over their injuries and longterm health problems? Many musical instrument performers (violinists, pianists, etc...) develop conditions such as arthiritis for their dedication to their art. I can feel their pain. The "pain" this girl has endured is actually no more than the kind of humiliation other teenagers might endure when they screw up a school play, amateur performance or presentation (and so on). You might say it's far bigger since it's national television, but then again, she's being paid much, much more (and her fame gives her many, many more privileges). The benefits are commensurate (and some might say far exceed) with the risks inherent with being a public performer. So, no, I don't sympathise with her. I might pity her just a little, but while money isn't everything, what she's doing is for potloads of it. I imagine she can, unlike most other teenagers in similar situations, assuage her "pain" with a trip to the Carribean, a cruise in Alaska, or some plastic surgery.
• Hawthorne: Do you have ant idea how hard people work to become celebreties? It's not easy, and it's not something that happens by accident. While I find the prurient interest in them that can develop pretty repulsive, my sympathy is very limited indeed. If you just wanted to act or sing, smalltime theatre and bands can give you what you want. At the level of performance we're talking about here - major sports events and the like - people have made deliberate decisions, and worked very hard indeed, to wind up in this position. They make huge amounts of money, and enjoy all sorts of perks, so colour me unconcerned when they suffer the downsides. About the only people I can summon sytmpathy for are the ones who are obviously victims of fucked-up and overbearing families (eg the Jacksons).
• Had this girl tripped over an unsecured cable and broken a leg I would be sympathetic but as it is she simply did very poorly at her chosen profession. I feel no more sympathy for her than I would feel for a truck driver who drove over three children because he or she was not very skilled with a fully loaded truck.
• she'll keep herself tight, keep her figure right, and put out all night I . . I'm sorry, who is that again? *pencil ready*
• she's freaking 19 years old, or something. her sister is on TV every day. you really think she *chose* her career? jeesh. the whole "she can't feel pain because she's rich and famous" way of thinking is a sad way of thinking.
• doesn't mean we can't laugh at her -- she certainly deserves it -- but it also doesn't mean we should turn off our ability to have compassion.
• drjimmy, if it's not intended for college football fans, why is it played there? Complex marketing deals between very large corporations, I guess. Don't really know. At any rate I just dont see people can work up so much anger about it: football halftimes are lame. Bush is dumb. The sky is blue. Accept and move on.
• "the whole "she can't feel pain because she's rich and famous" way of thinking is a sad way of thinking." I'm not sure that anyone suggested she can't feel pain. I'm sure she does. But her pain is of her own doing and I don't feel sympathetic. I do hope the pain spurs her to either start taking her career seriously or find a new line of work.
• I don't understand this mindset. Do you not think that she *does* take her career seriously, or that she *is* very good at what she does? Her record sales would suggest that she's not a talentless hack. The problem at the Orange Bowl was that some idiot in her management team booked her to sing in front of a crowd that isn't her target audience. I personally can't stand her style of music, but lots of people do...just not football fans. Their daughters and little sisters, however, would have loved the performance.
• Her record sales would suggest that she's not a talentless hack. Point of order: she isn't writing, arranging, playing, or producing, and some would argue she isn't performing that much anyway. At least that's my knee-jerk "I know a frickin' C chord" reaction. Apologies if she is a Prince-style wunderkind or anything above a pawn in a self-serving game her Dad has set up.
• Actually no I don’t believe she takes her career seriously. I think she feels entitled to fame and fortune and has never really made an effort to perfect her craft. I also DO think she is VERY bad at what she does as witnessed by this incident and the SNL debacle. Her record sales don’t mean much as an indicter of her ability. In the studio a sow’s ear can indeed be made in to a silk purse. I don’t like her sister’s work but I sure respect her professionalism and dedication to what she does. Ashlee has a role model there.
• petebest, just the fact that you "know a frickin' C chord" puts you head and shoulders above Ahslee.
• ...she isn't writing, arranging, playing, or producing... Neither was Frank Sinatra. I'm not comparing the two, just pointing out that there have always been "just singers". Sure, it's manufactured....and I know she's no great voice, but it's pop music for pre-teens. You and I aren't supposed to like it.
• Woah woah woah . . . just singers?? The Chairman?? ouch! But even if we're not the target market, we can still call bullshit on it. thats our Internets-given right as trolls and curmudgeons.
• This is one (of many) of my complaints about today's "American Idol" based popular music scene...it produces good-looking sexed-up poptarts who are all "just singers". Just look at the pop singles charts and ask how many of those artists listed can play a musical instrument, or how many write their own songs? They're not artists or musicians...they're cute kids with strong pipes and bare midriffs. If there's another Bob Dylan or Neil Young out there waiting to be discovered, they haven't got a prayer because American Idol won't even look at them. They're not good enough singers and they look too scruffy. And in the end, it's our loss because we could use someone like that right now...the ones we have are getting old.
• But I'd argue that "strong pipes" (or bare midriffs) does not a singer make. These kids are dancers with a quirky vocal trick at best. They're little more than models who've been given lessons and expected to grind onstage. But I also think we're saying the same thing anyway. ooh - whatabout "American Troll"? I might even watch an episode of that. Q could be the celebrity judge.
• Her record sales would suggest that she's not a talentless hack. Record sales are proof of talent? The correlation is staggeringly weak.
• Two words: Vanilla Ice.
• No. Record sales are proof that she's very good at delivering what her audience wants.
• No. Record sales are proof that she's an act that a big recording company is spending a lot of marketing money on. Marketing a new pop music act is more about creating an audience than serving an audience.
• Her career consists of bouncing around and grinding her hips while singing. I can't vouch for the quality of her singing voice, but I disagree with the comment that she needs to start taking her career seriously. I think she is...and she's successful at it. There will always be bubble gum pop...and I will always hate it. But it serves a purpose for other (much younger) people, so I don't rail against it's existence.
• No. Record sales are proof that she's very good at delivering what her audience wants. A pretty skinny definition of talent. -- Hey! She's pretty ! She's skinny!
• and she defines "talent"! *crickets* dang, I thought that sounded too easy
• she don't care
• I Kicked Bono In The Nuts
• Well, someone had to.
• Yeah, when I'm onstage and nervous, my first instinct is to kick a man in the balls. *rolls eyes*
• Forget the foot-to-the-kidneys, wft is up with this: Lola Cashman was being cross-examined during the third day of her High Court battle with the band over a Stetson hat, a pair of metal hooped earrings, a green sweatshirt and a pair of black trousers, which they claim she took without permission. Am I missing something here?
• “I think it’s a demonstration of the special relationship Bono and I had,” she added. What better way to say "I love you" than a swift kick to the nuts? Sheesh. Well, for people other than moneyjane, I mean. And even then it's not so much about love as love of Sir Robert Bordens.
• MonkeyFilter: What better way to say "I love you" than a swift kick to the nuts?