December 03, 2004

Chick tracts for a new generation [via this askmefi question]

I particularly like the logic in 'Evolution', and convolutedness of 'Homosexuality'.

  • Depressing.
  • I really liked the very well-phrased explanation of natural selection he included by accident in "Evolution"... (The stuff about "'Neanderthal Man', 'Java Man' and 'Peking Man' are all now considered to be Homo erectus. In other words, ordinary men." however... oh, deary, deary me.)
  • > pray (to Jesus) You close your eyes and recite:
    Dear Jesus, I know I am a sinner and cannot save myself. I believe that you are the only son of God. You died on a cross and gave your precious blood so that I could be saved. I am willing to turn away from my sins. Jesus, right now, I invite you to come into my heart and life and be my personal savior. Wash my dirty sins away with the blood you poured out when you died for me on that cross. Thank you, Jesus, for saving my soul. Since you died for me, I will live for you!
    Jesus appears from heaven. He looks a bit... dead. Jesus splits open your chest with a thought and ejaculates into your heart. Jesus bleeds all over you. You feel cleansed.
    *** you have been SAVED ***
    In this game you scored 100 out of possible 100 points! Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, UNDO your last move or QUIT? >
  • > doubt You are in a room. You are doubting the resurrection. There are some DISCIPLES. There are two DOORS. The DOORS are locked. Jesus APPEARS. He has HANDS. >reach out to hands You can touch his HANDS. > accept jesus You have SEEN jesus and believed. You are not BLESSED. BLESSED are those that have not seen him and believed. You scored a total 15 points out of a possible 40 points. > This is fun.
  • Do they have a text adventure of the whole Bible? That would be awesome! You are fleeing Sodom. The directions are North, South and East. >look back You turn into a pillar of salt! How do you do courier?
  • [code]Like this[/code] [ = <, obviously.
  • It is THE BEGINNING. > create heaven You have created HEAVEN. > create earth You have created EARTH. The EARTH is formless. DARKNESS is over the face of THE DEEP. Your SPIRIT is hovering over THE WATERS. > let there be badgers You cannot create BADGERS yet. DARKNESS is still over the face of THE DEEP. > let there be light There is LIGHT. You can see that the LIGHT is good. There is still DARKNESS > seperate light and darkness You shall call the light DAY. You shall call the darkness NIGHT. There is an EVENING. Then there is a MORNING. This is the SECOND DAY. You can see THE WATERS, over which your SPIRIT is hovering. > badgers You cannot create BADGERS yet. They would get wet. You can see DAY and THE WATERS. > make expanse
  • It gets better. Check out the author's shit-eating grin and learn that:
    Tim has been an accomplished ventriloquist since the age of nine and uses this talent to reach tender hearted children with the good news of the gospel for about ten minutes in each service.
    The Lord moves in mysterious ways and via bizarro messengers His wonders to perform.
  • Throughout the country thousands are being saved, reclaimed, filled with the Spirit, healed, delivered and set on fire for God at Tim's meetings.
    Tim appears to have witnessed to a fair number of recycled spirit-lamps...
  • I so want to create a text adventure game of the Bible. With badgers. And mushrooms, probably. And have Ford Prefect as my companion/narrator.
  • You are in the GARDEN OF EDEN. You can see an APPLE TREE. This is PARADISE. > walk toward tree SNAKE. It's a SNAKE. Oooooh, it's a SNAKE. >
  • flashboy, I would like to purchase your biblical text-adventure game.
  • In the 1st Century, ventriloquists were viewed as sorcerers and were put to death. Quite slowly and painfully, I believe.
  • I'm up for some of that old-time religion Nostril.
  • I, too, would be delighted to partake of this textular adventure.
  • > get apple
  • > get apple You can't see any such thing. > x tree Just your average Tree of Good and Evil. As you look at the tree, you recall the words: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Hanging from a low branch of the tree you see an apple. > get apple You hesitate. The serpent slithers around subtly. > talk to serpent (about the apple) The serpent says: Ye shall not surely die. > get apple You pluck the apple. You score goes down ∞ points.
  • He of the shit-Eating-Grin (one of my favourite phrases, BTW) is straight out of Donnie Darko. Other than that, I invoke the Dawkins to smite them with furious anger...
  • Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet...a bullet, and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet. -- Woody Allen
  • Attention programmin'-savvy monkeys: the world is demanding a heretical text-adventure game based on the bible which would ideally be developed using oh I don't know maybe some people from monkeyfilter for example I dunno...
  • the world also demands the continued presence of badgers in said heretical text-adventure game. Or maybe that's just me.
  • Badgers? BADGERS? We don't need no STEENKING BADGERS!!!
  • I see the artist learned well from Jack Chick! Villains with bugged-out eyes, toothy jaws and insane, spit-flecked overreaction to the least suggestion of Christianity? Check. Lousy art? Check. (Looks like those late Elfquest comics.) Pseudo-factual annotations? Check and check again . . . !
  • So does this tree in the garden have any connexion to Yggdrasil from Norse mythology? How about Heidrun to Shub-Niggurath?
  • That rock and roll comic is the best ever! Madonna Dahmer and the Death Squad? That is so my band!
  • The Watergate Hotel It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by agnew. >_
  • That is so my band! Yes, except you can't actually play anything, so you are kind of useless in that situation. You are likely to be eaten by agnew. A link to the original might be nice.
  • Hoo-hoo! Minus 10 points, bassolinguistic.
  • wasn't trying to steal - I assumed that you lot would all get the reference... course, you've only got my word for that...
  • I believe you!