December 02, 2004

• Does this include catching your parents having sex?
• I was fixing the pipes at an apartment block, when this girl walks past...
• I was fixing this girl's pipes . . .
• freethought Only if they're gettin' down in fursuits. lamearse That was some sweet asscrack you were sportin'!
• (moneyjane always asks the most interesting questions.)
• In serious response... Catching her yawning whilst I'm going down. She must've thought I was too involved remembering the alphabet. My own fault really.
• I was at KFC (yes I was high, of course I was high, is there any other reason on God's green earth to be in a KFC and not be high?) with some friends and as we sat down these two guys walked by and one was saying to the other, "I was so horny when came here, I was so horny." over and over. Everyone our table just looked at each other with that "Umm, I'm high but did I just hear what I thought I heard?" look and voila, Kentucky Horny Chicken was born. I'm still trying to figure out what dehornified the man, as I can't even IMAGINE getting any release in that nasty ass bathroom.
• From the bulletin board in the lobby of my uni rez: Last friday, a student was in their room when someone knocked on their door. The student chose to ignore the knocking. However, the person knocking waited a moment, then proceeded to enter the room, via the unlocked door. He moved to the student's computer, before noticing the student sitting on the bed. At this point, the intruder said "Sorry, looking for someone." and ran out of the room. The intruder is described as tall, mid-forties[...]
• More tales from the Rez: Last weekend, got home late, stuck my head in the floor lounge, which appeared to be empty, and was pitch black except for the X-Files episode playing on the TV. Spent a couple of minutes watching the show from the doorway, then swept my gaze across the room one last time...and as my eyes adjusted, I noted the two naked people on the couch lying quietly on top of each other, staring at me. At this point, I (smoothly) exited. ...watching the x-files with no lights on, I'm in la maison, I hope the smoking man's in this one...
• I have a client who is a US Marine and was just busted for having marijuana in his possession as he tried to come through the metal detector into the courthouse.
• I caught my grandfather in a crazed state eating a dead cat.
• I was looking for some stuff in the dimly lit forward compartments of an ancient and rusty pipe-laying barge when I rounded a corner and caught two guys huddled around a joint. They both looked at me wide-eyed. One stuck the joint out to me, startling me out of my interior world. I took a hit to be sociable, and kept moving.
• My grandson caught me in a crazed state eating pussy.
• I attended a party one night about 13 years ago, the host disappeared for about an hour or so before anyone noticed he was gone. About 20 minutes after noting he was not present, the bedroom door flew open and out came the host, yelling "It hurts, it hurts." All the while jumping up and down, holding his ass cheeks, his pants down around his ankles. He had a dildo sucked up past the anal sphincter, and couldn't get it out. We took him to the emergency room, and laughed and laughed.
• I caught my grandfather in a crazed state eating a dead cat. w--what??!
• I swear, this thread and the stoopidest-stuff-you-evar-done thread are going to make me piss my goddam pants.
• "w--what??!" Yes, extremely disturbing, and really doesn't belong in this thread. It's not goofy so much as totally insane. A story, as I often say, for another time. I've finally thought of an incident which fits in with the tone of this thread. When I was 9 years old, I used to take my Grifter (pushbike) to the local park to ride around, and I would take a shortcut thru the cemetery. This was in Whitstable, England. There was a hole in the fence right in the secluded part of the cemetary where they usually scattered ashes, that led right into the rec ground. I ride in as usual, start manouvering my bike thru the hole, and there are two adults off to the side, with their clothes half-off, doing it. The woman was giggling. They hastily started putting their clothes back on as I tried to pretend not to see them off in the corner. However, I got a good clear first shocked look at pale pumping male buttocks. 20 minutes later as I barrelled down the hill road back to my house, I saw them both in a car, pulling out of the Church lane.
• I haven't thought about that incident for 20 years or more.
• Caught my little brother having a whack while watching Friday Night Videos. It was that vixen Pat Benatar that did him in. I was a Patty Smyth man myself (and wildly more discrete about my solitary vices), but too each their own. This isn't me specifically, but for years I worked the loading dock for a large retailer, and we knew the security guys pretty good. They had, over the years, compiled a video tape of "highlights" of all the perverts they had caught in the store. The tape was about three hours long. How, I once asked, do you know who to target with the eyes in the sky? "Sweatpants," they said almost in unison. "Every spanker we catch, he's wearing sweatpants." Why? "Easy on, easy off." Forewarned is forearmed.
• Lifeguard at a city pool (which is a magnet for stoopidity stories). I was working with a girl who was not the sharpest knife in the drawer -- much later she played footsie with me, trying to push her foot inside my shorts, while keeping her shoes on. But that is, as Nostril would say, a story for another time. Anyway, she and I were doing the tallies at the end of a swim. We had to fill some forms out in triplicate, using carbon paper. So this girl is filling them out, and she makes a mistake, which, obviously, is passed through onto the other two copies below. She then asks me 'If I use Liquid Paper on the top copy, does it go through to the other ones?' Being of a helpful nature, I say 'Of course!' So she spreads the Liquid Paper on the sheet, and sure enough, it does NOT go through to the second and third copies. She looks at them again and again, as if by reexamining them they will somehow change. Then, she gets a brilliant insight. 'Is there something wrong with the carbon paper?' And, again, I can't resist. 'Yeah, that stuff is pretty old. You'd better get a new one.' She then spends half an hour searching through the office looking for new carbon paper, and not finding any, finally comes back to Liquid Paper the other two sheets. Never did clue her in. That would have been mean.
• Does it count if I'm the one who's busted? Senior year in high school, my boyfriend and I liked to fool around in the prop room under the auditorium during lunchtime. There were mattresses stacked in there, and no one ever went in during school hours. Except one day, we heard voices on the other side of the door. Immediately I hop up (fully clothed, thank God) and lean against the door, thinking that they'll think it's blocked or something, and go away. My boyfriend is staring at me open-mouthed, clearly amazed at my brilliant plan. But then someone says, "hey, there's someone on the other side of the door." Unable to come up with plan B, I open the door, and there is a classmate of mine, with 4 or 5 freshmen, and the Vice Principal. We all had a good laugh.
• In high school I worked at a dry cleaners. Anyways, one of my co-workers was apparently a girl who was suspended for having sex in the school bathroom. I hadn't heard about this until I was working with her, so apparently I wasn't part of my high-school's gossip ring. Also, once we got a pair of pants with a big lipstick mark around the zipper area. That was good for a giggle or two, and I dutifully marked it with a "stain" sticker. I knew a Disney Imagineer, and he told me of once he was in the control booth of Pirates in Disneyland. While he was there, the cameras caught a couple having some, shall we say, pre-marital fun during the ride. At the end, the control booth workers were waiting for the couple with applause. The guy got embarrassed and wanted to hit someone, but his girlfriend took it well, curtsied, and dragged him away.
• Some friends of mine showed me a roll of film they'd had developed (pre-digital-camera-age). They'd been on a trip, and a couple of the pictures were of the unclothed wife. The pictures had been developed correctly, but there was a big sticker on the envelope saying "overexposed". Har.
• What is this "film" of which you speak? I've never heard of it, for you see I was born yesterday. w00t
• This thread is awesome. Only time I remember busting anyone was my parents when I was a kid. And getting busted myself under similar circumstances, more than once. Then I learned to be more discreet. Outside on a public thoroughfare, no matter how much you've had to drink, is never a good idea. Oh, and I once caught a guy naked on his couch, uh, touching himself inappropriately, when I went over to tell him that my friends and I had set his hedge on fire.
• I never caught my parents in flagrante delicto. Never found my dad's porn. If it weren't for the existence of my younger brother, I would totally believe they stopped doing it after I was born. Strangely, I find the "I caught my parents" stories incredibly fascinating, though.
• freshman year of college my friend was infatuated with my girlfriend (now wife). it was an "if he can get a girl like her, why am i single?" sort of thing i guess. anyway, the first few times she came to visit he wasn't around, and he started this running joke about how she probably didn't exist. the first time she came to visit when he was actually there, i brought her into his room to let them meet... he hid under a blanket and wouldn't admit she was there, he kept saying "no, she doesn't exist, i'm, not coming out". years later he admitted he wouldn't come out from under the blanket because he had been spanking the monkey when we walked in. i'd always half suspected that was the case. and one that's entirely asexual. one night back in high school my dad walked into my room at 3 AM to see what the weird noises were. he found me sitting on the floor, surrounded by bits of the bathroom door. i had disassembled the entire doorknob and skeleton key lock mechanism, for no real reason other than that i felt like doing so. he asked what i was up to. i told him "um... the lock squeaked, so i tried to oil it." he just looked at me, blinked a few times, and told me to put it the hell back together and get in bed. i still like taking things apart. they usually still work when i put them back together again.
• These threads remind me of the weekly questions at b3ta... except those people are batshit insane. Or liars. Or both. Oh, and I have more than once walked in co-workers looking at porn during work hours. Not whackin' it, just looking, thank god. I mean, why?
• Broadband, pants. Broadband.
• I knew a guy in high school who was too embarassed to buy condoms to have sex with his girlfriend. They attemped anal sex, using soap as a lubricant. The moral of this story is a phrase we repeated to him for many years "It burns! It burns!'
• I got caught setting fire to a school announcement board. It was veeery tragic thereafter.
• As the IT person at my job, we rebuild computers all the time. Teleworkers will often send us b0rked laptops with massive amounts of porn on them. We delete it, but not before swiping the good stuff. Still, it is weird to know that so and so has an intense pantyhose fetish, this other one is really into Trannies, etc.
• back in my rez days, a bunch of us staff members were sitting around bonding before the students arrived, and, well, drinking heavily. one guy decided to take his pants and shorts off and clothe himself in nothing but a wet-nap. when it had demoistened itself, he poured beer on it, to yet more cries of "it burns! it burns!" years later, i met up with him and his new (male) partner, and i told this story, at which point the partner turned to him and said "you KNEW it was going to burn like that???"
• Walking up the street to work the other morning and I saw one of our delivery trucks on California St. Over the years I've gotten to know the driver pretty well, and often stop to chat with him. This time there was a newspaper taped over his passenger window; I figured he was taking a nap while waiting his turn at the delivery dock. As I walked by I rapped his window and continued on. After a few steps, I heard his door opening, and as I turned to say hello two "girls" in short-shorts jumped out and headed toward Vanness St. I gave him a pretty hard time about it the next day, but now I never knock when I see the newspaper.
• I was walking home once about 4am and was just passing a bus shelter when I noticed two legs poking out. I peered in and saw a guy, mid 20's, jerking off while reading a porno. I don't know who was more startled but the guy quickly put away the bald headed champion, started apologising and said "I just found it lying here (the porno, not his cock). Is it yours? Here take it?" A generous gesture but nevertheless, I declined. O
• Ah, I forgot! When I was 13, a friend and I were at our local BMX track, hanging out, and we decided to stop for a rest on the far side of the track which was bordered by scrub. We sat down and heard a voice behind us say, "Have you ever seen a penis?" (My friend thought he said, "Have you seen my pants?" but I knew otherwise.) We turned to see a guy with his pants around his ankles and his dick in his hand, staring at us. Probably not so much a "busted" as a deliberate act on his part. My friend made us go to the police and all, whereas I couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't give the police a description of his face, either.
• Debaser's story reminded me of a similar experience I had in IT. The setting is the tech-bench at the local university. The computer requiring repair belonged to a gal, a student at the university. A co-worker and I had nothing else to do while waiting for the virus scan to complete, so we were sitting there watching file names scroll by in the terminal when we swore it froze for a millisecond longer than usual, just long enough for us to make out the name of the file it was scanning. I turned to my co- and asked, "Did that just say bigmeat.jpg?" Of course, we couldn't help ourselves, and after the scan was complete just had to see what it was. It turned out to be your generic Playgal-esque male pic, but we often had a running joke at the tech-bench after that that went, "We found the problem! Your computer has bigmeat.jpg!" :)
• bigmeat.jpg?
• or did you mean bigmeats.jpg? /shrug
• Not exactly me busting but I was in the room: my brother had ordered Playboy channel on cable pay-per-view. A few weeks later, me, my brother, and some friends hanging around. In walks dad with cable bill. DAD: "does anyone know who..." BROTHER: "it was me dad!" At this point Dad could've stopped and saved him the embarassment, but no. DAD: "... ordered the Playboy channel?" Not really that embarassing, but "it was me, dad!" immediately became a popular catch phrase.
• thinking about funny stories re: my dad leads me to propose a tangent thread: what's the funniest/most embarassing thing you've ever heard one of your parents say? For me, it was the time I heard my dad say "what the fuck is pussy?" So, my dad teaches at Baltimore School for the Arts- kind of a "Fame" type school for performers. One of his students was a jazz musician, and he gave my dad a copy of his new CD. Apparently the album was also part gangsta rap. And apparently one of the tracks was entitled "what the fuck is pussy?" So my dad felt the need to tell my brother and me about it. He acted like he was horrified, but you could tell he was secretly proud of himself for saying it.
• About 2 weeks ago my sainted grandmother, the woman who brought me up & spanked me if I said a naughty thing, uttered the word 'fuck'. Specifically, we were discussing politics, & she said 'oh the fucking americans!' I laughed like a drain for about 10 minutes. She has admitted to saying it when angered (she has the Celtic Fire) to herself recently when the cat pees on the carpet, but even 10 years ago, it would have been unthinkable. She's 80. Sharp as a tack.
• A few years back, my mom and her siblings were sitting around their mother's kitchen table, just chatting and drinking coffee. My grandmother was somewhere else in the house. Anyway, at some point, the topic of conversation turned to sex, specifically oral sex. My grandmother returned to the kitchen, and the conversation died a quick death. She asked them what they were talking about. Knowing what a straight-laced old farm girl she is, they were reluctant, but she pressed the point. "Oral sex," somebody piped up. "Oh, that's just...that's just disgusting, really. Awful. I think I'd rather have it in the butt." At which point everyone hit the floor. Ever since, my father enjoys reminding my mom about her mother's fondness for anal sex.
• I love it, mct.
• For many years my mother thought the word "twat" had the same meaning as "butt." She was quite often heard telling my sisters (and I) that if we did not do so and so she was going to smack them in the twat. She was pretty embarrassed to find out the popular meaning of said word.
• MCT--Coolest. Grandma. EVAR. ;D
• ... her mother's fondness for anal sex. posted by middleclasstool I love it, mct. posted by tracicle BUSTED!
• *slaps forehead* Damn you, quid. You found me out.
• fap fap fap fap
• YSF!
• MonkeyFilter: fap fap fap fap
• I feel a tagline eruption coming on. Anyone besides MCT care to relieve some of the pressure before I go off?
• Monkeyfilter: Damn you, quid. You found me out.
• MonkeyFilter: Awful. I think I'd rather have it in the butt.
• Monkeyfilter: Anyone besides MCT care to relieve some of the pressure before I go off?