November 11, 2004

• Am I the only one who found this profoundly disturbing? As someone who's finally met The One and, therefore, can expect to have children sometime in the semi-near future, all this did was make me vow to never, ever try to make my hypothetical spawn do this. (unless, I suppose, she specifically asks) I mean, this article is basically: "How to brainwash your child and prevent him from being scared out of his wits by being plunked down on the lap of a fat stranger, just so gramma can have a lousy picture." Why do parents DO this to their kids?
• I never sat in Santa's lap, but then since my parents never did succeed in getting me to believe in that fat bastard, it was no great loss.
• If your child is has a wet bottom, let Santa and his helpers know. heh.
• Innocent, it is extremely important to do this with your children at least during their formative years. (Not later, when as teens they will want to make asses of themselves mugging with the Fat Man.) These toddler terror-inducing incidents occur in the mall for a reason and accustoms the brats to the traditional fear that accompanies Christmas. If you don't do this early, your darlings will never be able to successfully handle a burning credit card during the Overspending Season and, thus, won't be able to fulfill their potential as American Consumers.
• heh. my parents were generally overprotective and sheltering of my sisters & I. when I look at those santa pics from my childhood & really look at the face of the dude behind the fake beard, I am sort of shocked that my p's let their cute little girlies sit on the laps of strange men, men who invariably had dark circles around their sunken, dead looking eyes. makes the "bad santa" movie seem not-so-far from reality. heh!! yeah, IB, dont do that to yr children... now the easter bunny, on the other hand...
• I have always thought how incredibly wacky and superstitious the whole Santa thing is. If we did not have it as part of our culture but some other country or countries did, we would think that they were absolutely fucking crazy.
• I can still remember that, as a little kid, I KNEW that 'that guy' wasn't REALLY Santa. (Probably the same reason I hated clowns. *grin*) I only remember visiting "Santa" once in the mall, and I believe I wouldn't say anything and might have even started crying. Just like the little brother Randy in 'A Christmas Story' - heh - with a touch less screaming. Luckily, my parents weren't really in it for the photo so they never did it again.
• I liked visiting the mall santas, almost as much as my parents liked fucking with me through their explanations of how he could be in different malls. They had me convinced he was stalking me to whatever mall I went to. I didn't care though - he's the one giving me stuff for free.
• We had to sit on the knee of the Green Man of the Forest while he murmured his ancient incomprehensible song.
• wib, i'm jealous!!! any dutch monkeys out there? ever hear david sedaris' "six to eight black men" monologue? oh god it's hilarious, excerpt: The words silly and unrealistic were redefined when I learned that Saint Nicholas travels with what was consistently described as "six to eight black men." I asked several Dutch people to narrow it down, but none of them could give me an exact number. It was always "six to eight," which seems strange, seeing as they've had hundreds of years to get a decent count. The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid-fifties, when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves they were just good friends. I think history has proven that something usually comes between slavery and friendship, a period of time marked not by cookies and quiet times beside the fire but by bloodshed and mutual hostility.
• Ah yes, we have Sinterklaas to have complexes about. Sitting on the lap of a real saint might not always be what one expects. As far as I know there are hundreds if not more Zwarte Pieten, all with their own job description. And they are black because they climb through chimneys. Yes, that's it.
• Simple solution - don't take your children to see Santa until they are old enough to actually want to and to be excited/happy about it. I saw santa only a few times - and I loved it, because I thought it was Santa, and it was so exciting. But I wasn't 2 years old - I was like six.
• I don't know why we set our kids up for such disappointment later in life by telling them about things like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Fourth Amendment.
• < rant > I hated sitting on Santa's lap, but I had to do it. I also hated getting my picture taken in front of random lame landmarks - "Stand in front of this, honey! Now stand in front of this! Now stand in front of that! And SMILE MORE!" - but I had to do that too. It doesn't matter what you want, honey, because your happiness doesn't matter; just do what we tell you, because we say so. Parenting isn't truly For The Children; it's for the parents. Assuming that the children are going to care about any of this in 20 years' time. Not even considering that they'd rather just go to the silly mall sans mental scarring from scary old man or giant FREAKISH BUNNY RABBIT. But oh no, must have a million boring, copycat pictures just like everyone else's kids' boring copycat pictures, showing how speeeecial your little precious is, which you will never bother looking at again. Because That's What's Done. < /rant > ...that was so cynical I think I just imploded. Good thing I'm not having kids. The other parents would lynch me.
• ...we set our kids up for such disappointment later in life by telling them about things like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Fourth Amendment And, if the kids should grow up to be gay, the 28th Amendment.
• Why would any intelligent parent encourage their kids to welcome a fat old man who breaks into houses while the occupants are asleep? (Oh, bunk. I loved Santa Claus. Santa Claus meant presents. Presents are a fundamental good.)
• I used to *beg* my parents to take me to see Santa Clause (oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeeeze!!). I'd be all excited in line. Then, the minute I sat in his lap, I'd start screaming bloody murder. None of the pictures ever came out good. I was a rotten little kid :)
• taking a picture with Santa is like hazing for babies. It's like, "hey kid, you wanna be a part of our culture? you wanna join our ranks? sit on this! now smile, dammit, smile!"
• I never believed in Santa as a kid, but I liked going to see Santa, cause we got candy.:)
• My sister & I got our picture taken with Santa one year in college. I think we made that old man's day.
• Why do we celebrate Santa's birthday by having him give us gifts? What a scam. If I was Santa I'd hop a plane to Las Vegas and become a lounge entertainer.
• Bring shrooms.
• And remember, Santa may try to eat your child's head.
• I admit, I did take my son to sit on Santa's knee last year. You can ban me from MoFi now. Haha, you can't! You can't! My parents were pretty poor, and our Christmas photos with Santa were the closest thing to professional portraits we ever got for them to send out and prove we were all still alive. So I guess it's sort of traditional for me, in that "I don't know why I'm doing this, but I am" sort of way. Plus it was sort of spur-of-the-moment since I was at the mall with a friend and her son and she was getting a photo taken. As it was, Ethan didn't cry but he was rather unimpressed, so I ended up sitting on the arm of Santa's chair with Ethan on my knee. But I got a lollie, so it was okay. The photo is sort of funny, though.
• I'd be all excited in line. Then, the minute I sat in his lap, I'd start screaming bloody murder. Did we ever date?
• Swimming Santas protest early Christmas
• Finns want professional Santas
• Have any other monkeys had the pleasure of being a Santa/Easter Bunny, etc? Small children approach you warily, and act as if the candy you hold is poison. That is, when they don't run screaming. Didn't justify the pink fuzzy costume or horrible pay, but you take your perks where you can.