October 29, 2004

Neuticles: Customized Testicular Implants for Pets Undoubtedly purchased by the same people who buy their dogs diapers.
posted by the humble abbott 20 years ago
  • I've actually seen this before, a couple years ago when I used to hang out at Portal of Evil, but it's still hilarious. PoE is good for crazy net weirdness, but the forums just made me hyper-angry and pissed at the world all the time, so I quit them. Monkeys are much nicer. Bananas all round. On me. )))))))))))))))))))))
  • "As Natural As Nature Intended... The texture and firmness of NeuticleNaturals were crafted based on the firmness of actual animal testicles." Who the hell tests this?
  • *coughs, wrings hands, smiles nervously*
  • I don't think it's fair to compare these to pet diapers. Diapers make sense in some cases (incontinent pets, for example). Neuticles serve one of two purposes (neither of which is non-creepy): to make the owner who identifies too closely with their pet's naughty bits feel better about neutering, or to cheat at dog shows (show dogs must have two descended testicles, and as far as I know there has been at least one case of a dog with only one descended testicle having a Neuticle implanted, only to have its other testicle descend at an inopportune time, and a judge find three testicles in there, leading to disqualification and further punitive action against the handler). (and hi monkeys! I've been lurking here a while, but this is my first MonkeyPost!)
  • When I had my cat Houdini neutered, the vet performed some, um, plastic surgery back there so it would still look like Hoo-boy had something to work with. The vet said it was for his "self confidence." I laughed and laughed and laughed.
  • Monkeyfilter:The vet said it was for his "self confidence."
  • (insert John Kruk joke here)
  • biscotti lurks and lurks, just waiting for an opportunity to swoop in and tell his three-testicle-dog story. And today is his lucky day! Welcome!
  • I think that Neuticles were designed for the same kind of guy that gets the Bumper Nuts for his truck.. Seriously, your dog does not miss his testicles. If he did, he wouldn't spend hours on end licking the area.
  • Look rocket88, there aren't that many places where a three-testicled-dog story is really appropriate, ya know? Thank you for the welcome, and I'll point out that I, having no testicles of my own, am female.
  • I wish John Kerry would have had this surgery.
  • MonkeyFilter: Where a three-testicled-dog story is really appropriate.
  • biscotti: In my defense, I did check your profile first, but found no clues as to your genderal persuasion, or even your testicle count, and I assumed you were a dude. But with monkeyfilter being the chick blog that it is, I shouldn't have made that assumption. Maybe you can check in here, and tell us about yourself. BTW...member since March 10, 2004...you really are a hard-core lurker!
  • What I like is the people who hang red plastic Bull Balls from the differential on their pickup truck. I wish I had a picture to send, and without it you just can't believe how funny it is to think about what the driver is compensating for. Link anyone?
  • Well, I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween.
  • Scroll up a bit, EarWax. Thank goodness I've never seen this in real life.
  • Hello and welcome biscotti, I love the three testicle dog story. Neuticles:This idea is nuts in my opinion.
  • Ever since the vet implanted the Neuticles in Beagle Bailey, she's been a completely different dog.
  • Someone has to do the "Neuticles: they're the dog's bollocks" gag, so it might as well be me. Hi biscotti! If you're the same biscotti who posts over at MeFi, I've loved the dog-related advice you've given there in the past, glad to see you here. And if you're not, very welcome anyway!
  • Hi mothninja, yes I am that biscotti, the dog-related advice one, not the crunchy morsel of deliciousness that goes great with cappuccino one (and I swear I posted here before I knew about the Great MeFi Famine which has now struck - it wasn't just a "getting my foot in the door" thing, really it wasn't!).
  • Maybe I'm just having a fever dream, but why are these pets' nuts disappearing? Neutering involves chopping out a section of the plumbing, not removing the thrice-blessed globes of reproduction, as far as I recall.
  • coppermac: neutering is castration, not a vasectomy. You're confusing the former (in which the testicles are removed) with the latter (in which the vas deferens (i.e. plumbing) is cut or clamped). Pets get neutered not only to stop them from breeding, but also to the reduce behaviour issues that some feel are related to testosterone levels (the testicles are the largest source of testosterone, and vasectomy has no effect on it). You can give a pet a vasectomy, however, but few people do, not least because it's not 100% reliable, and also because it doesn't reduce testosterone).
  • Yes, please try to pay attention. It makes a vas deferens.
  • Wonk Wonk.
  • /groan. Well said, Wolof
  • I ♥ puns!
  • That was very punny.
  • Wolof never heard that one before...