October 29, 2004

• Goodwill it all. Get a receipt and take a tax write-off. Or send him the receipt if you're feeling particularly generous.
• He left it with you & has made no claims on wanting it. I don't think any jury in the land would convict you on that. Plus, he owes you for storage. Space is not cheap. Sell it and keep the cash. Buy yourself a bottle of bubbly. "..seems like a crass, ex-girlfriend-bitch-from-hell thing to do.." No, it doesn't. ex-girlfriend bitches from hell will generally do these things much sooner. I think you've spent enough time hanging on to it.
• Yeah. I'd sell it.
• Sell it. Three years? If he wanted it back he would have come for it by now. Sell it, buy yourself something nice.
• If it was _my_ stuff, I'd want you to ask me if there's any of it I want. I know, he's had all these three years and never said anything, but maybe there's something there he forgot he wanted or something. Tell him that you _will_ sell anything that he doesn't claim and pay to ship in two months.
• That is unless you hate him so much that you don't want to talk to him. In that case you could just go ahead and sell or burn.
• Burn it and dance around the pyre, invoking all the gods of vengeance to pour retribution upon his eternal soul. Then mail him the ashes in a booby-trapped cigar box. Or what calimehtar said.
• If it has decent value, sell it and buy yourself something nice. If it doesn't, call goodwill. They'll even come and pick it up so you won't have to lift it. More important...if it brings up bad memories of a crummy relationship, get rid of it. You don't want that stuff hanging around and being a constant reminder.
• He expects to get it back, brought by hand, preferably accompanied by begging him to take me back. Which isn't going to happen. I don't hate him so much as I'm really quite tired of the whole situation (it HAS dragged on for this long) and want a definitive end to it. This is a loose end. I dislike him because of recent personality changes, but it's not as bad as wanting revenge or something. I could probably guess what out of it holds the most sentimental value, ship those things, and sell the rest, I suppose. I always felt kind of low about selling any of it, but I guess that's just me.
• I would say sell it. I left a bunch of relatively expensive music gear at a friend's house. It was there for about two years, and I never went by to pick it up and rarely spoke to him, and when I did talk to him, I never mentioned the equipment. Recently, I ran into him on the street, and inquired as to the status of said equipment. He said that he had put in on eBay, and gotten a couple of hundred dollars, the reason being he was redoing his basment, and needed it out of his house. I wasn't pissed or anything, after all, it was two years after the fact (and it probably would've ended up just cluttering my house, as I don't play in a band anymore). He bought me lunch, and I was happy. Unless you have some sort of agreement, I think you relenquish any claim of ownership after leaving something in someone's possession for longer than a year.
• Nah, nah, she shouldn't ask him. He's already treated her like a carpet. Asking him would be so co-dependant. Plus, it may be awkward. What if he's got another partner & she ends up talking to her on the phone? Letter could be equally awkward appearing. To hell with asking. Too late. The guy shoulda made the move on that. Too bad. Sell the shit, girl, & buy yourself something nice. To hell with him.
• Sell it, then buy PatB a computer.
• I mean buy middleclasstool a computer.
• Acid baths work pretty well.
• What? I thought you meant you had your boyfriend to dispose. MY bad. Yeah, Goodwill. is a good idea.
• if possible at least contact him via email and mention it is going to be going away, unless you have no plans to talk to/see him ever again.
• Didn't read your last post until just now, Wurlif. This has been going on for three years, and he expects you to hand deliver it? Pff... If it's not too much for him to ask you to bring it to him, then it's not too much for him to get it. Even if he doesn't have a car, he must know someone with one. I would tell thim that on such and such date at a specified time, all his stuff will be on the curb outside your house. If he wants it, he should be there early. (You can have a friend bring it down if you dont' want to see him, or bring it down earlier yourself, keeping an eye on it from the window or such). If he doesn't show up, leave it there, and let the street pickers take their selection out of it. When they're done, toss the rest. This way, you don't profit from it, he has his chance to retrieve his stuff, and if he doesnt, any useful items will find new homes. It may be a bit harsh, but c'mon... 3 years?!
• Seconded. He has no right to expect you to deliver his crap to him. His crap, ergo his responsibility. Let him know that: (a) if he wants it, it's his responsibility to come get it, and (b) set a deadline, after which it will all be sold/destroyed/whatever.
• ...and yes, buy me a computer.
• Damn... not only did I completely botch the spelling of your name, but I realized the above solution may not work for you. Us city folk take street pickers as givens, but if you live in a rural area, I don't think you'll have too many takers. So, an addendum would be to goodwill it all if he doesn't show....
• I say sell it. Or goodwill, whichever makes you happier. But there's no way he needs any of it if he hasn't had it for three years. I unfortunately still have stuff left like that after a year, entirely for lack of my ex's ability to find someone with a real address to ship it to. I'd be getting rid of it except I've moved in the meanwhile too so I left it at my parents' house.
• Wurwilf, I honestly sympathise with you, as I have a similar collection of an ex's crap in my house: a pile I call "EXCRAPO!", which fills me with dread. So, much love to you. HOWEVER, I notice that you have not actually mentioned what your ex left behind - or his name. I wonder why that is, Wurwilf? Isn't it because the "pile of stuff" is in fact WMDs? And isn't your ex's name "Saddam"?? And isn't this post just a cover so that you can sell his WMD-technology to Iran??? HMM??? I think you owe us the truth: we won't judge you, just because you were in a romantic relationship with one of the world's most evil dictators. You goddam Saddam-loving commie.
• I second the folks who advise you to tell him (politely) that if he wants to get his stuff back, he is welcome to pick it up before {INSERT DATE HERE}; and that, after that date, you're going to donate it, or sell it and keep the proceeds as a contribution towards storage costs. I would also suggest that (a) you send the letter certified mail, and keep a copy, in case he decides to be a jerk and take you to small claims court over his junk; and (b) if he actually does come by to pick it up, you have a friend be there to supervise it instead of you. Whether (b) is necessary depends on just how messy the breakup has been, of course, but based on the "various reasons" you allude to, as well as on your followup post, I'm guessing it might be a good idea. If you do have a friend handle it, you'll need to make sure all of your ex's stuff is clearly marked and separate from your own stuff. If there are any items you expect to be contentious (EG, a TV set that you each paid for half of), make sure you agree on them in advance. You might--for example--provide him in writing with a list of items you intend to give back, and ask him to respond (in writing) with any items he thinks you've omitted. DISCLAIMER: I am happily married to the only girlfriend I've ever lived with. My advice might be the wise words of an experienced married man, but it also might be the fruit of the irresistable urge that married people have to meddle in the lives of their single friends even when they have no idea what they're talking about.
• Oh, and to answer the question you actually asked, about creative solutions, I have three words: avante-garde art project.
• Say... does this trunk happen to weigh 380 tons? I think quid may be on to something... hmmmmm
• He expects to get it back, brought by hand, preferably accompanied by begging him to take me back. Which isn't going to happen. I always felt kind of low about selling any of it, but I guess that's just me. If I may theorize...It sounds like this trunk is more than just a trunkful of stuff. It seems to me that it's also a part of the reason that you can't get past him (in whatever way) after three years. That trunk might be a constant reminder of what could have been. My advice: Do whatever you need to do as soon as possible to get rid of that trunk and put an end to it all. It may be expensive to ship it to him, but at least that way you a) won't have contact with him, b) won't feel guilty about trashing his stuff, and c) will have taken the high road. If cost is an issue, I'm sure we could pass the Monkey Hat for you. I'd be glad to pony up a couple of bills. Of course, I could be completely wrong in my assumptions about this trunk and what it means, in which case I apologize immediately.
• your concern for doing the ethical thing is commendable, however its NOT his stuff, its ABANDONED stuff. three years? there are probably salvage reclaimation laws that apply!!! its like pirate booty now, girl. sell it and have a nice day at a spa or something, you obviously deserve it. heart-shaped banana for wurwilf!
• Take books to Half Price Books and sell for $1. Forward address of store to ex.
• Just re-read your posts, Wurwilf, and I'm changing my answer. Sell it all and buy yourself a lovely present. That's not crass, that's liberating. Sorta like an enormous, somewhat painful, but ultimately satisfying bowel movement. He's the one that has been/is being crass.
• I suggest taking pictures of the stuff. Send those to him, asking if anything in the list should be kept, with the explict understanding that everything else will be disposed of. Then, arrange that he will pay the shipping. Deadline for decisions. I second Jacobw's Art Project for the stuff, as a disposal option. A collage, with bits from many items. Take a picture, or just mail the thing.
• Take books to Half Price Books and sell for $1. Forward address of store to ex. But I don't think Half Price buys WMDs That's about what I'm thinking. OK, for more than $1. And anything that I think has particular meaning, like one book that I think belongs to his mom, I can mail. and I might keep this one anthology 'cause it's pretty good. but otherwise. As for his coming here to get it back, and the like - he lives about four hours away now, so distance is prohibitive. It wasn't dangerous-messy, it was psychologically messy. "Oh, you'll ask for me back any day now," "If you'd done what I said everything would have been perfect," "Let me rehash everything that went wrong for the 300th time" sort of thing. I don't think I'm hung up on him too much, but I DO want complete closure, and it is symbolic. Enough already. I mean, seriously. And don't worry about misspelling my SN; it's a misspelling of a misspelling as it is, so someday it will come full circle. :)
• ARG, there's that strike thing again! rassafrackin'.
• I think the distance issue is beside the point, personally. Your concern for these kinds of "prohibitive" factors is honorable, but it's not your problem. He left, he left his stuff behind. Seriously. If some of it can be mailed and he'll pay you postage -- up front -- then fine, that'd be a nice thing for you to do. But if it needs to be hauled or he doesn't want to pay for postage, too bad. This is entirely his responsibility and has been for three years now. You're not a storage shed, and you're not FedEx.
• You're not a storage shed Yet I note Wurwilf has never stated that she is human! Is this because SHE IS ACTUALLY A STORAGE SHED? I merely report, Apemen and Chimpygirls. YOU decide.
• Bury the body in a peat bog. That way, the acid will disolve the bones in a couple of months. Or take it to a hog farm, though that can be more risky. Yeah, the stuff? Send him an email, say you're gonna get rid of it in two weeks. Anything he wants he can either pick up or pay for postage. After that, you're taking what you want and selling the rest on Ebay. The reason to do it through email is that it brooks no discussion or whinging on his part. He had his chance. He now continues his jerk force alpha behavior, and you've put up with it for long enough. He's lucky it ain't been burnt yet, the bitch.
• What in the hell are you people thinking? Send it back to him? At HER cost? JESUS. Wurwilf, you don't feel bad about selling it because you're a decent person. You feel bad because it's a remnant from your unhealthy relationship and his control over you. Fuck him, sell it, get some strippers.
• Don't even contact him again. That's his game.
• Uh, somebody said she should pay for it? Missed that part.
• You could have a Halloween bonfire, or you could head to the nearest landfill and leave the trunk there. Don't worry about "illegal" or "crass" because it's neither. Getting rid of his stuff = getting rid of him. I say it's about damn time.
• I don't think I'm hung up on him too much, but I DO want complete closure... Get a hair cut and pedicure. Buy nice new lengerie. Have meaningless sex romp with a remote aquaintance. ON TOP OF TRUNK.
• Uh, somebody said she should pay for it? Missed that part. -MCT My advice: Do whatever you need to do as soon as possible to get rid of that trunk and put an end to it all. It may be expensive to ship it to him, but at least that way you a) won't have contact with him, b) won't feel guilty about trashing his stuff, and c) will have taken the high road. If cost is an issue, I'm sure we could pass the Monkey Hat for you. I'd be glad to pony up a couple of bills. - Name That Itch ...which I think is a terrible idea. There's no way I would pay for her to be further abused by that jerk.
• Well, shipping a trunkful of books to his current address COD has class, I think. Wurwilf, I was left with a similar dilemma: detritus from an ex who was ALMOST as annoying as yours sounds. His next girlfriend (now his wife) forbade him to ever speak to me again ever ever ever, so he never got in touch about the stuff he'd left. I wrote a few letters of the kind calimehtar and middleclasstool suggested above, and heard nothing back. (After 3 years you're probably not obliged to do that. Depends how generous you're feeling.) From experience, I'd say giving things to charity produces good karma, since the stuff goes from annoying you to helping people. Anything valuable, you're perfectly right to sell; anything you like, you're perfectly right to keep, if you can do so without being unpleasantly reminded of him. I used the money to take my REAL friends, who'd put up with my angst about the ex, out to dinner. It was great fun. (not that I'm suggesting you treat ALL your fellow Monkeys or anything)
• Wurwilf -- I know from bad relationships and s--- getting left behind. I had a boyfriend leave a washer/dryer (that didn't work -- he said I could pay to get 'em fixed), a large antique desk (that he said I could borrow. It's now *mine, aaaaallll miiiiine*) and various and sundry other items. After about a year, I did what I wanted with them and felt much better. I like the idea of selling the stuff then using the money on something symbolic... something for *you*. I don't know, something like a haircut (or color), a manicure, a new outfit... It all depends on how much cash you generate and what makes you feel like the hot mama you are. As for telling the ex prior to the sale, that's up to you. However, I wouldn't give him more than a week or two's notice, and if he asks for more time, tell him no. This is not being bitchy, this is being firm and getting rid of his yuckyness to make room for future good stuff.
• ...which I think is a terrible idea. There's no way I would pay for her to be further abused by that jerk. I don't think she'd be further abused once that trunk is gone. It's a way to get rid of it without guilt and without contact with the ex. She needs to put an end to it and that's one method of getting closure, albeit not the cheapest. And I'll put you down as a "no" for the hat-passing.
• My God, people of the internets, what's wrong with you? Why has nobody suggested the blindingly obvious yet? BLOG IT. One of the memes of the year has been people selling stuff from dead relationships on eBay, right? With amusingly vitriolic descriptions of why they're getting rid of it. So, blog it. Each day, take one item, photograph it, and write a short story about it, the memories it holds for you, the context it had in your relationship, and why it means you will never be getting back together. Link each post to the eBay auction of the item. The stories will be witty, cutting, but with a subtly poignant undercurrent. The pseudonym you write it under (it should all be anonymous) will become famous. This will have the result that a) your eBay auctions will absolutely coin it for you, and b) you'll probably get a book deal. Possibly sell the film rights, too - I can totally see Drew Barrymore trying to get rid of every trace of John Cusack from her life. On a more serious note, what most others have said - give him a firm, two-weeks-or-it-goes ultimatum, and then sell it. Not just because it'll make you feel better, but because it's also good for him. He's left the stuff there as an anchor; all the time it's still there, he's tied to it, stopping him from moving on. While that trunk's in the back of your closet, you're in the back of his mind. (Man, I should totally write self-help books.) That's not healthy for him; I know from personal experience. Be polite but blunt, and if he doesn't come through, sell it without a trace of guilt and buy yourself something lovely. It's best for both of you. But, yeah. Blog it.
• Sigh. You're implying that my response is because I'm cheap, but the reason why there is any guilt involved is because of their history, which I'm not sure if you're aware of. I've noticed her postings on the subject, and it's a pattern. There is no way anyone SHOULD feel guilty about disposing of stuff left by an ex THREE YEARS prior. I feel that by submitting to her feelings of guilt, she is just perpetuating that control he had over her. He would be playing his game again. I don't think that's cathartic, I think that's just going to continue the abuse.
• And on top of that, you're suggesting that she, and we(!) PAY for the privilege of making her feel beholden to him?
• If you just don't want to deal with it anymore, keep everything in the trunk, seal it, and put it up on eBay. Then, just to be fair, email him the eBay link. Keep it simple. Make it easy on yourself.
• No, I wasn't implying that you're cheap, Daniel. Sorry if you got that impression. And although I do actually agree with you that she shouldn't feel guilty about selling/trashing the trunk, I was merely proposing a different path to reaching her stated goal: to be done with this guy for good. For me, taking the high road is cathartic (although I'm not specifically saying that selling/trashing is necessarily the low road, 'cause I've done that myself before and I see nothing wrong with that either.)
• Send it to Daniel. On me.
• Obviously you must do what the Worlds Great Leaders must do: give him a firm, two-weeks-or-it-goes ultimatum Yeah! Go Koffi Annan on his ass! suggesting that she, and we(!) PAY for the privilege of making her feel beholden to him? Yeah! Go Kerry on his ass! Bury the body in a peat bog. That way, the acid will disolve the bones in a couple of months. Yeah! Go Bush/Iraqistan on his ass! Buy yourself a bottle of bubbly. Yeah! Go French on his ass! BLOG IT. Yeah! Go Pajamahadeen on his ass!
• Set all the stuff on the sidewalk and it will disappear in less than an hour, if your city is anything like mine.
• I would just say that really you should let him know, whatever you do, to let him have the chance to pick it up. Most important to me would be any photos or mementoes - clothes and books can be replaced, but not those.
• Oh - but if the truck is cool, keep that. I would love a trunk :)
• Ooh! I love the eBay idea! Put the whole thing up for sale, buyer pays shipping (or comes to pick it up, if they are local) and you can email the link to your ex- if he wants his stuff, he can bid on it like everyone else. Brilliant idea. Bananas to flashboy for that. If you can't bring yourself to do that, give it to charity. But please, get rid of it. The physical reminders of dead relationships are seriously bad juju.
• Throw it all in the dump He left it there for one reason, so you will think about of him when you see his possessions. In the end knowing his possessions are at the dump will be a great ending for this relationship: dumped.
• ...about of him...
• Creative? 1. Place the items in a pile. 2. Set up camera. 3. Press record. 4. Set pile on fire. 5. Dub mysterious, disembodied voice over footage saying repeatedly, "You have just witnessed the formation of a stage." 6a. Seal envelope containing VHS tape. Send to ex. or 6b. Invite friends over for mixer, play footage on loop. 7. DO NOT EXPLAIN THE CLIP. 8. Enjoy mango/chutney dip.
• If he really wanted any of it back, he would have asked for it some time in the last three years. Has he ever asked for his stuff back, or shown any interest in its welfare? If not, then he obviously doesn't care about any of it, and it's yours to dispose of. The only exception to the get-rid-of-it rule is for any memento which is personal and unique. As a guide, anything which someone could buy at a store does NOT fall into this category. Only something like a 100 year-old family photograph or meaningful family heirloom qualifies for special treatment. A book which belongs to his mother does not count, unless it has some kind of unique personal significance, like if it's the first book she ever read, and it's the only thing which survived the otherwise-devastating fire at her childhood home. If it's just a regular book, then forget it. (If you decide that it IS significant, then send it directly to her, and not to him.) Keep in mind that some people just aren't as sentimental about "things" as other people. That playbill from the community theater production of Othello that you went to see on your first date may be soaked with meaning to you, but if it's been sitting in that trunk for three years, he obviously doesn't give a rat's behind about it. My condolences, and best wishes in your effort to get rid of this baggage (both literally and figuratively). I know first hand how hard it is.
• ...And just to be clear about my position, you are under absolutely no obligation to contact him with regards to any of this. He left the stuff there! For three years! Forget it; he's had his chance.
• Uh, somebody said she should pay for it? Missed that part. - I actually said it first. I've got a guilty conscience, which is kind of silly. Mistakes were made all around; that's what happens, it's life. Aaaahaha, I actually thought earlier today about a sob-story eBay lot. Don't have an account, though it would make for a fun description. (A story of drama! intrigue! and random assortments of books!) Coincidentally enough, right after he left I did get my hair cut short. It was a traumatic time for other reasons too, and I found it strangely cathartic. As is this thread. My favorite idea so far is selling and then donating, but indulging is looking pretty good as well. Maybe I can split the proceeds between the two.
• I'm with the "final warning" camp. Tell him if he wants it, he's got one, time-limited opportunity to retrieve it. Set whatever conditions *you* want. If you don't want to see him again, he has to get a friend or professional to collect it. If he doesn't take you up on the offer, sell it, give it away, whatever makes you happy.
• I say put a message in a bottle and chuck it in the river, any river. If he doesn't respond, it's his fault.
• I cut my hair short after a breakup this summer, too :) It helped me feel perky again.
• I've actually contacted him in times past (I wanna say within the last couple of months) that he should get back to me if he wants to set up some kind of arrangement. They were ignored, as far as I remember, though he has emailed me about other things. I think fair-warning has passed, but I still wondered if it were evil to sell another person's stuff at all. But there was some great advice to that effect on this thread. Thanks.
• but I still wondered if it were evil to sell another person's stuff at all. I shop Half Priced Books regularly. I can tell when an ex girlfriend has dumped her ex boyfriends stuff by seeing the rare, collectable, and/or complete sets of gaming (role playing games et al) material on a freshly restocked shelf. Ex gets her $$$, book store gets $$$, i walk away happy if wife loans me $$$. IMO it is only 'evil' if a book never sees the light of day again.
• OK now that that's settled...what should I do with my old wedding ring? So far I have 3 ideas: a) Chuck it in the river b) Take it to Mordor, and throw it in the fires of Mount Doom c) Sell it and buy some weed
• Wurwilf, is this is same guy you refer to here? If so, that asswipe has had plenty of chances and doesn't deserve any more.
• I think it's only evil to sell another person's stuff if you go over to their house, browse around, take the neat stuff, then sell it :) Seriously, I think you're morally in the right, here. You've given fair warning a few times. You're cool. I had a roommate who gave a bunch of my stuff away less than 6 months after I moved out. He'd asked me on several occasions to pick it up, and I'd been too busy, so I was not too miffed when he got rid of it.
• Creative ideas hey. Ok so you say there are clothes and books and things involved here, well take one pair of trousers and a long sleeved shirt and stuff said articles of clothing with the rest of the goodies in the trunk. Then take the aforementioned trunk and mannequin to the nearest interstate, make a sign with former ex's address and sit mannequin on trunk in hitchhiking pose with aforementioned sign. Walk away. If you are ever questioned as to the whereabouts of these items simply state they were on their way back home last time you saw them.
• Go to a local flea market and see who's selling junk. Offer him the stuff for free. Get rid of every memory of the him. Have a cheap and meaningless fling. Resume life.
• Three years = abandonment as far as I'm concerned. Check your state law if you're worried, but I can't think of any that are so very strict. As for Goodwill, I'd rather see the stuff go to a shelter (if needed there) or to a charity shop run for a more specific purpose. Goodwill is getting to have a lot of its intake spent on its bureaucracy, and I'll bet there are a few shops near you for the SPCA or a shelter that could use the assist a lot more. An odd aside: in Canada, Goodwill began its existence as the Society for Crippled Civilians. My wife, when she was a child, knew the thrift store by its nickname: 'Crips'.
• Mac, good thing it wasn't the 'Bloods'. That would have required an entirely different jacket. /aside I agree, after 3 years, it's up to Wurwilf. If the ex thinks that by leaving a trunk full of junk behind entitles him to some claim, he's a dickhead. And yes, unfortunately, even being charitable these days requires some planning.
• (shinything: There is and will only be one ex - I'm not going through this again - so yeah, same one. More "clueless, socially backward, possibly mentally ill nitwit" than "evil beast," but still.) The hitchhiker is great. I'm most likely going to make a day out of donating/selling what I can and deciding what to do with the proceeds depending on how much it nets. (A lot? Donating to mental-health organization. Medium? Buying presents for people who aren't jerks. A little? Alcohol.)
• d'oh. Thanks, all. I thought this might be fun as well as educational.
• Call him over. Kill him. Stuff him in the trunk (take out some nice stuff to make space if you have to). Bring the trunk to a landfill. Ta-da! But seriously... Here's something on the statute of limitations on debt-collection in the US. Tried searching for a statute of limitations concerning storage of personal property on another's estate, but came up dry. Sorry.