October 29, 2004

Just how likely is it that nobody will cough during a concert? Alas, if you want a good chance of having a cough-free experience, you will need to stock your concert hall with audience members who produce no more than 2 coughs per year, leading the researcher to conclude, "It's probably easier to just accept the coughing." This may be the biggest advance in the scientific study of Annoying Noises In Concert Halls since a professor at Simon's Rock proved you'll make the same amount of noise unwrapping a candy slowly as quickly, so you might as well get it over with. Unless, of course, you're using a the high-tech stealth wrapper.

Note: you'll need to scroll down to the 3rd article in that last link.

posted by jacobw 20 years ago
  • Thank you for this.
  • I feel I must share this story since it's not often I get a chance to tell about my many and varied orchestral experiences. While at a performance of something I no longer even remember an older gent sat down next to me. He was puffing and wheezing and grunting and making all sorts of the noises old people make, except he was making all of them at the same time. He then took out a candy bar, partly unwrapped it with delicate, and insanely loud motions, and then shoved the exposed part into his mouth and proceeded to eat it with the loudest smacking and grunting noises possible without a megaphone or a herd of cattle. He did this several times (it was a large candy bar and he, apparently, was found of tiny bites) until I eventually stood up to move seats. At that point he fixed me with a stare that said "eat shit and die kid" and probably said something bitingly snarky. I say probably because he was still chewing on the candy bar and what came out sounded more like a pot of coffee brewing than anything else.
  • The moral of the story is: It's not the candy, it's the people who can't go one movement without a snack (diabetics excepted). OK, now I can sleep at night with that off my chest.
  • Thank you. You've made me aware of my coughing. So I try to hold it back. Which makes me cough.