October 20, 2004

• this is the craigslist people speak of? a haven of filth, depravity and racism? gnah. i want porn. nice, wholesome porn. fnargh.
• Well, that was enlightening. I'll add that to the list of things not to coat the johnson with.
• I keep it stuck to the wall by the medicine cabinet.
• Beautiful.
• So, this one time, I had just put some icyhot on my shoulders. You ever notice that your hands never feel the icyhot effect? Because of that, it never occured to me to wash my hands before using the restroom. It took some time before I noticed it. I had finished with the restroom, and had sat back down at my computer desk for one or two minutes, when I started getting this itch down below. It was real gradual. It started getting intense, and soon captured my full attention. I can't adequately explain the level of curiosity you reach when your equipment catches fire for no apparent reason. I really wanted what was going on with my crotch. I should explain something. When I use the restroom, I don't just move the couch out the front door- I bring both endtables along with it. The process of moving them out involves contact with a large portion of the surface area, especially since I tend to keep my front room pretty tidy. Anyways. The fire in my pants. I figured out it was from the icyhot, which made the experience a whole lot less scary. I mean, it sucked knowing I had just bathed the kids with icyhot, but it sucks much more to not know why they've decided to burst into flames. It did go away eventually, but not before I ended up in the shower in socks, a shirt, and nothing else, in a vain attempt to wash it off. Actually, I do think washing it off worked, but it's just as gradual of a process to feel it leave as it is to feel it arrive. So, thanks for the warning, but I already know better than jerking off with icyhot.
• But Bengay's ok?
• Also, do not ever for any reason forget that sometime recently you have chopped habanero peppers for cooking. Washing your hands is not enough: you must wait for the tainted skin to slough off before attempting any contact with *ahem* sensitive parts.
• One of the janitors at work had a sore shoulder from muscle strain, he asked one of the nurses at work what he could do to ease the pain. She told him to use some BenGay or IcyHot on his shoulder. A few minutes after he applied the ointment on his shoulder he went to the restroom. About 10 minutes later, we all heard a whoop and holler, he was on fire. He didn't realize that he should of washed his hands before he used the restroom. I felt sorry for the guy, but I couldn't stop the laughing. It now is an inside joke between us and him. Great Balls of Fire.
• The story was interesting (being a woman, I find these kinds of things fascinating), but I was too distracted by the overly wordy descriptions and completely unnecessary imagery. Dude, stick to the basics.
• On preview, this must not be uncommon, to not realize a person should wash these types of ointments off the hands before touching sensitive parts. Could you imagine rubbing your eyes after using icyhot or bengay?
• Oh sure now you tell me. So what do i do with this fire in my pants? Huh? Damn.
• Monkeyfilter: I don't just move the couch out the front door- I bring both endtables with it. Monkeyfilter: I already know better than jerking off with icyhot. Monkeyfilter: wait for tainted skin to slough off before attempting contact with sensitive parts. Monkeyfilter: imagine rubbing your eyes after using bengay. Monkeyfilter: The fire in my pants.
• on a related note, if you or your S.O. ever get a sunburn, be careful with that aloe vera ointment that has the novocaine in it. it kind of, well, makes things less fun than they would be otherwise, given the sudde realization that part X has just come in contact with sunburned part Y and is now totally numb. (for me, it was just a quick innocuous kiss - i ended up with numb lips. but, given the proclivity people here have shown to get these ointments where they shouldn't be...)
• There's aloe vera with novacaine in it? I'm totally gonna jerk off with that.
• I was under the impression that this was a fact every man has to learn for himself. You really haven't lived until you *can't* *stop* *the* *burning*!
• People: When dipping jalapenos from the jar with your fingers, and chasing them down with beer, not washing your hands before using the facilities is a mistake. That is all I have to say about this.
• Old joke: how do can you tell if someone is a chemist in a public bathroom? They're the ones washing their hands before they pee.
• In case anyone's thinking of a fruit-based aid-de-masturbation, avoid kiwi fruit. Kiwi fruit, as it happens, works much like pineapple (which you should also avoid) - as a meat tenderiser. 'Meat tenderisers' essentially pre-digest the meat they're applied to. I have nothing more to say.
• Yeah, but what about cantaloupes? My...er, friend wants to know.
• Kiwi fruit, as it happens, works much like pineapple (which you should also avoid) - as a meat tenderiser. This never occurred to me. If the fresh fruit will actually, um, tenderize your meat, then you ought to avoid papaya as well, since it contains a similar enzyme. Stick to the banana peels, folks.
• Mmmmmmm, tender.
• Masturbating with fruit? Are there really that many people without hands?
• "Honey, do we have any yogurt to go with our melon?" "Hurmph...In a minute!" ;E
• Well, back to the opium.
• poor thing... my friend confused a sunless tan lotion with hmmm... ok, let's just say his normally pale member became less pale, and scorched. LOL
• Bluestone - this probably isn't what you meant the advice to be about, but I was looking for some good meat tenderisers - I will try kiwi and pinapple, thanks!
• My advice? Never fuck a cheese grater.
• common toiletry items hold many dangers. I would like to add a warning to contact lens wearers not to put in those contacts after flossing with mint floss...you didnt think the mint was very strong, but yr eyes will...
• Thank you, Shinything, for doing what needs to be done. GramMa is SO NOT going to touch the taglines here. Continue, please.
• Score 4 (Insightful)
• I should explain something. When I use the restroom, I don't just move the couch out the front door- I bring both endtables along with it. The process of moving them out involves contact with a large portion of the surface area, especially since I tend to keep my front room pretty tidy. A big, swollen bannana for Mr.Knickerbocker ) Monkeys should also mind the "external use only" lable on vaseline. And always wear your goloshes when playing in the mud.
• I have luckily avoided any ointment related incidents in the nether regions but, many years ago, Mr. Happy was involved in a drunken zipper accident and still bears the scar to this day.
• When I was in college, a friend from Texas managed to switch the spermacide tube for her diaphragm with her roommate's tube of Ben Gay. There's nothing quite like bursting into the women's bathroom because it sounds like someone's being killed and seeing a statuesque naked Texan doing a headstand under the shower head.