October 19, 2004

• The dream of going to the Nebraska tractor test lab one day.
• But right now I just mope aimlessly trough life.
• Richer: that's the coolest nuts thing i ever done sawed! )) for you!
• Between fits of curiosity, inertia.
• anymore, it's large amounts sheer bloodymindedness and mixture of grim faith. in what, I have no idea. perhaps just the hope that it all won't have turned out to be a big waste of time and that maybe I'll find out what the punchline is.
• I am perpetually adrift.
• well, it certainly isn't work!
• I think cowardice and White Russians keep me going through the absurdity of it all.
• I'll join the mopers! +plop+ uhm anybody got some choclit?
• I need the eggs.
• hurrah! a dose of the Monkey Madness! that's so what I needed... (i'm a bit flat today, for a many great reasonings) More, Monkeys! More!
• Alex: how strange you mention white russians. I'm really living the Lebowski lifestyle right now, minus the bowling. Oh, and I can't stomach CCR.
• Music. Finding out stuff about other stuff. A beautiful day. A laugh. A drinkie. A bit of a walk. Maybe some travel. Maybe read a book. Okay, I'm shallow!
• What keeps me going is a mixture of childlike flights of fantasy, the companionship of friends, relaxed cynicism and determined ambition. Imagine me wearing a seditionary t-shirt whilst thanking my loved ones in an Oscar acceptance speech on Mars. The cocaine and whores help, also.
• hehe... Monkeyfilter: The cocaine and whores help, also
• Tacos and Civ 3... I'm a simple man.
• Fear of death.
• The death of fear.
• I'm fucking deep, me.
• I'd get in trouble if I stop.
• Sheer, unmitigated apathy.
• learning something new my wife and son because I'm here...friends
• What keeps me going? I'm more interested in the destination. Can anyone tell me where we're going?
• oh...and that tractor test lab. yeah, tractors.
• "...to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whiskey and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested.... Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll." (I wish I wrote that, but Hunter S. Thompson did)
• A couple of weeks ago I read (probably from here) that CO2 was increasing in the atmosphere faster than had been though, and instead of decades, maybe we only have a couple of years. If that happens, I'm totally quitting school and begging, borrowing and stealing my way to the Great Wall of China. Then the Taj Mahal, then Victoria Falls, the pyramids, Stonehenge, and Avebury too, then canoeing down the Amazon as the waters rise around me...doesn't matter if the piranhas get me then.
• The Doors - STONED IMMACULATE From the album "American Prayer" I'll tell you this... No eternal reward will forgive us now For wasting the dawn. Back in those days everything was simpler and more confused One summer night, going to the pier I ran into two young girls The blonde one was called Freedom The dark one, Enterprise We talked and they told me this story Now listen to this... I'll tell you about Texas radio and the big beat Soft driven, slow and mad Reaching your head with the cold, sudden fury of a divine messenger Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god Wandering, wandering in hopless night Out here in the perimeter there are no stars Out here we is stoned Immaculate. The Doors - HYACINTH HOUSE Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away? It was the only card in the deck that I had left to play
• Can anyone tell me where we're going? By some accounts, nowhere.
• Can anyone tell me where we're going? I'm not sure, but it definitely involves a handbasket!
• My philosophy of life (free of charge, because not very deep or great): Try to be child-like, not childish..... That's pretty much it. Dance in inappropriate places, laugh when you can as much as you can, cry unashamedly when shit stuff happens, play when you can. I do identify as Christian, and I deny the religious right's sole ownership of that term. Am I the (more fun) religious left? Maybe. (I've also had lots of homemade Kentucky whisky tonight, so I don't make much sense.) ... Oh, and baseball. Part of what keeps me going is lots and lots of baseball.
• A black sense of humour keeps me alive, as well as the love of a woman who has an even more black sense of humour. That, and little things like the enormous spider I saw today hanging from a tree. She was about six feet off the ground, her strand of web must have been twenty feet long, and she kept flexing in the breeze (it was a fairly cool fall day). I hunted down a picture of her, too. I thought about bringing her to my garden, but she seemed happy where she was, and non-interference is usually the best policy with animals. Check out the main site: it looks like a great place, and I'm going to ask my wife tomorrow if she'd care to make a road trip.
• It's an Oliver tractor just like this one that makes me want to go to Nebraska. And I'll check out Cleveland along the way.
• Wanting to know what happens tomorrow.
• Playfulness, silliness, laughter (whether that's my own or someone else's. Especially if I inspired someone else's.) The weird looks I get when I stick a pair of antlers on my head, insist on being called Blitzen, and wander around in public like that, singing Whitney Houston songs. (What can I say, it had been on the Muzak and got stuck in my head.) Dancing, anywhere, whether there's music (or Muzak) to dance to or not. The powerful feeling of release when creating some form of art (mostly computer graphics these days, but could also be fiction writing or cooking) and everything is going absolutely right.
• Wot keeps me going? Finding out what comes next. Unlearning things I was sure I knew when I woz younger. My family. The collie.. The dachsund. the birds, the horses, the mice in the walls. The owl that casts its leftovers each morning on the front porch, the chipmunk jumping high as my shoulder in surprise. All these riddles: I still don't know what a tree is. I try to look at one, I end up looking between its branches, or its leaves twitch and dazzle me into thinking I see the tree when all I see is leaves. Thinking: the way time passes, and doesn't pass. The way it hangs heavy. The way we are in it and out of it, both. Memory. Anticipation. Apprehesion. How can I say? I only know I am in the habit of going. Of doing. Of being. Writing: I like to string words, I trust that eventually strands will fall into place. Spiderlings let go, are blown into the air, spinning their gossamer. Then go where the winds carry them. Hope. I hope there will be an eye to read, an ear to hear, a familiar voice. Laughter. It has taken me a long way. One surprise after another.
• Cocaine and johns! And a nice big toasty mug of stubborn perversity...mmmmmmmm! Cozy!
• nope, still not work. People who get their references wrong, that's what keeps me going!
• As usual, the film Zulu can provide the answer (and the soundtrack): Plucky Welsh soldier (facing Zulus, bloody thousands of 'em): Why us, Sarj? Colour Sergeant Maughn: Because we're here, lad...
• What keeps me going? Faith, not the Christian kind, but the faith that is inside me. Where it comes from I don't know, but my gut feeling tells me all will be ok for me here and now and when I die. Nothing against Christains mind you, but I don't count myself as one. I have no fear of death and dying. I do fear what our government may do and is doing right now. The love of my children and husband keep me going also.
• One goal, which is to look at myself in the mirror and see a human being. It'll take a while, but I'm patient. Before that, my goal was to be loved/worthy, but I found out that that's not possible until I don't utterly hate everything about myself. So, that's first. Until then, escapism, mindless leisure and a sense of humor about anything I can manage to laugh at. Learning about people. Being helpful when I can. Trying to stay out of humanity's way otherwise.
• Keeping me going: The pursuit of joy. Especially the joy of small things. And I also really believe that I can affect positive change in the world. On my less optimistic days, it's just America's Next Top Model.
• These days? Exasperation.
• Fucked if I know. Pick 'em up, put 'em down. See what happens next.
• Percocet
• The banana dangling in front of me.
• Caffiene.
• Goals
• That's what's its all about for me!
• Relentless optimism. Or short-term memory loss. Not sure.
• I'm rather fond of the Deteriorata myself. But then, I'm weird that way (and in so many others.)
• My outlook on life is summed up by a few good bumper stickers: YOU LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT... I LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL THE SAME MADNESS TAKES ITS TOLL PLEASE HAVE EXACT CHANGE I USED TO BE DISGUSTED NOW I'M JUST AMUSED BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE SINCE I GAVE UP HOPE I FEEL MUCH BETTER STAY TUNED! I COULD SAY SOMETHING BRILLIANT AT ANY MOMENT! NOT ALL WHO WANDER ARE LOST I HAVEN'T LOST MY MIND IT'S BACKED UP ON DISK SOMEWHERE and one that's not on the linked site: LIFE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO TAKE SERIOUSLY
• So, I assume we are all in agreement that the Hokey Pokey is NOT what it's all about, and none of us are named Alfie.
• Friends (present company included). My precious stash of Chinese tea. Terry Pratchett (I kid ye not!). But some days... I dunno. Just taking one step at a time, I guess.
• The fact that I haven't yet checked my lotto numbers.
• Wondering about the species of fish in Quonsar's pants.
• Actually Richer, I own an Oliver 1600, which is a little smaller and older than the 1850, but looks very similar, if you're that eager ... That's in Michigan, too.
• The love of my life. Even when he's not with me, he's the reason I get up in the morning. It's probably a little dangerous for my sanity (especially when he's deployed to the Middle East), but such is life.
• The love and devotion of a good man and the support of my friends and family. Today I've watched my online circle gather around a friend whose father died after several months of illness. These are people whose own lives are pretty hard right now: undergoing tests that may result in a cancer diagnosis, scrambling under the triple burden of job-parenting-school, etc. Everybody has put their own worries and troubles aside for a day to support our friend and offer our condolences. It's really heartwarming to know that if I hit bottom, I could depend on that support. (And although we're all planning to travel to meet our friend when she comes to the States next year, most of us have not yet met her in person. Pfui on people who say net.friendships aren't real.)
• AAA batteries. And my "things to do before I die" list that constantly changes (things added, things checked off).
• White Russians I'm with you, Alex. I'll raise one up for ya tonight.
• ass fucking dead celebrities and pissing on cats.
• I'm with you, Alex. I'll raise one up for ya tonight. Make that a double. I'll join you in a toast.
• Make that a double. Sweet!
• The teacher's credo, that I am planting seeds that I may never see grow, but that they will grow nonetheless.
• To some day try sanity on for size and for my idols, but also for fear of death, pleasing my imaginary God, and various worthless pleasures. So desire, fear, and attatchment, that's a good life, right?...Don't let any Buddhists answer that. I'm totally with the drinking people.
• I'd very much like to post something here but, at the moment, I haven't a clue. Bananas, Buddhists and genial drunks? "The force that through the green fuse drives the flower"? What choice do we have? I dunno. But I'm tryin'.
• Seriously? I keep going because I have no reason not to.
• long term: 1. family and friends and the critters they keep 2. the pantheon of music, movies, books, conversation, food and laughter 3. a mostly wonderful gent called Mister shinything medium term: going off antidepressants and visiting here as often as possible. short term: British invasion and Merseybeat, specifically The Pretty Things and, inexplicably, Victoria by The Kinks. That tune kills me. And my Rent-a-Cat arrives Friday and stays for 3 weeks while her momguy is in Korea. That's what keeps me going. that and genial drunks.
• Just to get yer +1s.
• rfs: thanks, but I'll just wait for my uncle to sell me his.
• Send your answers here.