October 12, 2004

• Dan Rather, Queen of the Space Unicorns.
• I guess it figures, Kerry with his horsey face and all.
• Unicorns? But their sense of humour keeps dragon.
• That joke sphinx. Hence my basilisk stare.
• That joke sphinx Heh. True. Though phoenix burns a disc that rocs, Our Nostril still ain't found his socks!
• So the 3 unicorns are a frat boy, a queer, and a Mexican. This site is trying make a point that only fags, spics, and drunken college students would oppose Bush, and that's because they're so far off in la-la land that they might as well be fantasy creatures. The other two don't seem to have a profile, but here's gems from Sparkles's (the gay one) profile: * Occupation: Spreading Magic and Getting Rid of Dubya! * Location: The Enchanted Forest : United States About Me: I'm a lovey-dovey, pangender, glittery left-wing war unicorn dedicated to restoring order to this country There's gonna be a few monkeys happy to see a FPP that's pro GOP
• Sure, they're speaking up now, but where were they when the creatures of the forest were endorsing Kucinich?
• Pablo has a nice look going on. Yo likes.
• What I want to know is: why are unicorn horns ribbed for pleasure?
• I was just thinking this morning about how horribly stereotyped unicorns are -- all that frilly, lacey, sparkly fru-fru crap. Unicorns are badass! Look at those badass horns! You could impale six or seven people on one of those things! They ain't there for ring-toss, people! The purpose of a unicorn is to flip out and kill people! Sparkles the Unicorn? No way, man! More like Kill Your Whole Fuckin' Family and Stomp the Remains Into the Ground, the Unicorn!
• A trained unicorn makes a warhorse look like a puppy. The virgin issue is the real problem though. Not many unicorn cavalry commanders can live with the derision.
• Mr. Knickerbocker, is there any reason you felt the need to denigrate gays and hispanics when you posted?
• Mr K is ironicising on the sort of person who'd be likely to say this.
• coppermac, don't blame the messenger. Click the link. The creator of the Unicorns Against Bush blog make it pretty clear that he/she feels that the trifecta of bushhaters are fags, spics, and drunken frat boys. The word fag is a direct quote, the other two derogatory terms are heavy implied, and will surely be showing up soon. The creator of the UAB blog has done so as an attempt to mis-characterize Bush-haters with those derogatory sterotypes. So please don't get upset at me for pointing it out. and for the record, the terms "fag" and "queer" are no longer the derogatory terms they once were. They've crossed over, the same way the derogatory terms "nerd" and "geek" crossed over. They used to be offensive, now they're a proud label. My gay friends wear the term "fag" and "dyke" with pride.
• Unicorns are mercifully fewer so it seems there's less chance o' being skewered. If 'n' I should meet a griffin I think I'll run to the far side of the sun. My old friend Pegasus will carry a poet without any great fuss. And if I should happen to meet a silkie I'll try entertaining him by recitng Rilke.
• Asshole unicorn. (full disclosure: link to my own work.) {full disclosure II: much funnier seen live, but may give you a giggle anyway.)
• Whoa, doc! This unicorn got hands?
• As a doctor, erm, I can't think of anything funny to add here. I think they said doctor, however, they could just as easily have said quack
• I think they said doctor, however, they could just as easily have said quack No, that'd be a ducktor.
• Every time ye turn around in this place, seems a duck is there.
• What can I say, it was a rather low-budget production. The unicorn was a guy with a rolled-up conical piece of tagboard strapped to his head.
• Well, it at least explains the hands, which are not what I expect from a unicorn. I am surprised the little girl put up with them. But she is not much like the children (wee skeptics) I know.
• Though folk expected their usual row, The lion and the unicorn made plans to see a show. But first they went pubbing, with much chatting and toasting and vainglorious boasting -- then they disappered undeground and haven't been seen since let alone been found.
• A priest has been summoned for a meeting with the archbishop. He's ushered into the archbishop's office, and the archbishop tells him that there's a conference at the Vatican the next week, and that he wants him to go there and represent their archdiocese at the conference. He also tells him that he's going to get to meet the pope. So the priest is very excited and honored, and the next week, he flies to Rome. When he gets there, he goes and rents a car and starts driving to the Vatican. He's driving along a deserted stretch of autostrada when a unicorn comes bounding out of the woods, and—BAM!—the priest smashes his car right into the unicorn. The dazed priest slowly gets out of the mangled Fiat and goes over to where the unicorn's lying. He stands there for a second in disbelief, marveling at the beauty of the dying creature. Then he notices that it seems as if the unicorn is trying to speak, so he gets down and cradles its head in his arms and leans in to listen. The unicorn turns his eyes toward the priest and, with his dying breath, says, "All my life, I never got to do what I wanted." --Andy Richter in McSweeney's
• Jeez. That depressed the shit out of me. /crawls away to weep
• No man can say and know he truly says where or what the bird of time will lay. Men are bound by dread to their mortality. But death has no dominion over any unicorn, which never truly dies, just as it's never really born. Unicorns hatch full-blown in mortal minds, like the phoenix on her nest aflame emerging from a roasted egg not once, but again and again in a cycle that lacks a real beginning and is without a finite end. Such creatures are composed of more, and less, than flesh and bone and cannot be confined in this world of being, nor be entirely at home in the stasis of eternity. Timeless, of mankind's making, they outlast individual men. It may be a unicorn yearns to be spiritbound in a living body, to live and age and finally burn off a single life. This may be why one hangs around wistfully eyeing some human maiden, wondering how he can get her magic to allow him to be born alive from a female womb. For it seems unicorns can be just as hung up on their beginnings as men are obsessed with the way their lives must end.
• Bees, I sure hope you are keeping all these in a book somewhere.
• Irks care the crop-full bird? Frets doubt the maw-crammed beast? -- Robert Browning, Rabbi Ben Exra
• To make a long story short.
• I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you Nobody Two? Or like me, Nobody Three.
• Who's that at the door? Nobody four?
• Sheesh- that was the worst telling of a knock-knock joke I've ever heard- er, seen.
• Ursine? We must bear it!
• Bare it? What's yer sign? tee hee
• Water Horse. By Jiminy!
• *crickets*
• *frogs*
• *komodo dragons*
• How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: firstly, secondly, thirdly...
• Some say the Rhinostrich is a rowdy, rangy beast, The long neck and feathers make him look ill-policed; But to call him a bird with his horn seems absurd. His forelegs are coarse while his hind legs are slim, He's been known to kick jackals with relish and vim; But the fact he lays eggs and has powerful legs Leads scholars to question if he is a him.
• )!
• Those who sit down at imaginary feasts are very likely to encounter fabulous beasts. On your left a unicorn and on your right a griffin while the dragon makes the toast and butters it for tiffin.
• To be a unicorn is to live single unless you spy a maiden in a dingle. Unicorns don't live in herds or utter many shocking words, these poor beasts have no fun while living all alone. But if one should take up with some long-tressed buttercup, then knights and hunters try to capture him because he's very shy.
• I'll try entertaining him by recitng Rilke. The Unicorn The saintly hermit, midway through his prayers stopped suddenly, and raised his eyes to witness the unbelievable: for there before him stood the legendary creature, startling white, that had approached, soundlessly, pleading with his eyes. The legs, so delicately shaped, balanced a body wrought of finest ivory. And as he moved, his coat shone like reflected moonlight. High on his forehead rose the magic horn, the sign of his uniqueness: a tower held upright by his alert, yet gentle, timid gait. The mouth of softest tints of rose and grey, when opened slightly, revealed his gleaming teeth, whiter than snow. The nostrils quivered faintly: he sought to quench his thirst, to rest and find repose. His eyes looked far beyond the saint's enclosure, reflecting vistas and events long vanished, and closed the circle of this ancient mystic legend. Rainer Maria Rilke
• How to Catch Unicorns William Rose Benét. ITS cloven hoofprint on the sand Will lead you—where? Into a phantasmagoric land— Beware! There all the bright streams run up-hill. The birds on every tree are still. But from stocks and stones, clear voices come That should be dumb. If you have taken along a net, A noose, a prod, You'll be waiting in the forest yet... Nid—nod! In a virgin's lap the beast slept sound, They say ... but I— I think (Is anyone around?) That's lust a lie! If you have taken a musketoon To flinders 'twill flash 'neath the wizard moon. So I should take browned batter-cake, Hot-buttered inside, like foam to flake. And I should take an easy heart And a whimsical face, And a tied-up lunch of sandwich and tart, And spread a cloth in the open chase. And then I should pretend to snore... And I'd hear a snort and I'd hear a roar, The wind of a mane and a tail, and four Wild hoofs prancing the forest-floor. And I'd open my eyes on a flashing horn— And see the Unicorn! Paladins fierce and virgins sweet... But he's never had anything to eat! Knights have tramped in their iron-mong'ry... But nobody thought—that's all!—he's hungry! ADDENDUM Really hungry! Good Lord deliver us, The Unicorn is not carnivorous!
• I would not be too sure about that -- for the unicorn is a mystical creature possessing mighty passion, BlueHorse, and there's just no telling what such a lad may do. Fear him! for in the fabled throes of love a unicorn might soar high above what's commonly supposed to be mortal love. In her chaste lap he lays his head Though hunters come and shoot him dead -- "Though ye betray me, and summon men to slay me, I'm faithful to ye, faithless love," he said.
• Ye hunters who're ambitious -- know the unicorn is viscious, So it's easier to try to net one when it's captivated by a maiden. To succeed, a maiden meretricious will likely be the most auspicious.
• So, lady, do you fall in love, with a curving neck, more sleek than any swan's last song, and no less graceful and keen? Would you follow his dream or should he follow yours? Sit there, love, and drink from the dark wells of my eyes Never be afraid, my dear, to say plain what you think -- ah, yes, sweetheart, you may caress the poiniard point of my sweet spiraled horn and yes, do smell the roses on my breath, and lean your yielding self, just so, against my flank of opaled cream
• I see black dragons mount the sky, I see earth yawn beneath my feet -- I feel within the asp, the worm That will not sleep and cannot die, Fair though may show the winding sheet! I hear all night as through a storm Hoarse voices calling, calling My name upon the wind -- All omens monstrous and appalling Affright my guilty mind. -- James Clarence Mangan, from "Shapes and Signs"
• Poor fella must've had hell's own hangover.
• The moon fastens on the sea A long horn of light. Unicorn gray and green, trembling yet ecstatic. -- Garcia Lorca, from "Second Anniversary"
• How Pegasus Scolds Me "Don't idiotic be, nor confuse yourself again by thinking I am Rosinante for I'm not inclined to be anyone's confi-dante, She had to put up with the vagaries of a Quixote -- you are a fool, accept the fact. And now, sit down and write some poetry."
• Wow, bees, you must be making up for lost time. *applause*
• Heh, guess so -- oh, but rhyming Quixote and poetry was fun! Thanks, Alnedra.
• Dragons live in clouds or undersea or else somewhre that's isled or mountain-y. Eastern dragons had vast powers and lived in palaces removed from ours. The western ones had wicked ways and liked a maiden in their larder and were beguiled by gold always. They've all grown harder to find these days.
• He said, "I'll have ye know I'm a wizard and so think nothing of riding yon overgrown lizard." He'd full trust in all his spells. The villagers all were most impressed and pointed him toward the dragon's nest. They waved and wished him well. A ninety-foot dragon with long teeth and a tail and four pairs of great claws had long made the hearts of the village folk fail, and now gave them pause. Their spirits were flagging, their footsteps kept dragging as they eyed the dark smoke that arose from a cleft in the cliffs by the cove that lay just to their left. To a man, they all fled, leaving only the mage where the thickest reek hung by the grove at the edge of the sea, so like fumes from dead fish and burnt plumes. "Hail, dragon!" he cried as he started to sneeze in the absence of a wafting breeze "Fail, dragon!" he coughed (for the vapours were sulphurous) and then coughed far too oft; his voice faded and died. And the next thing he knew he was pinched in the middle tight-gripped by the claws of a dragon who smiled with his fifteen-foot jaws. He whispered, "W-w-wait! Riddle?" "Man, now past's your time to be courageous; know we dragons are always charmed and dangerous."