October 09, 2004

• Do the jobs that I had for 3 days and quit for the safety of myself and others count? If so, I can list 1) data entry 2) retail 3) late night runner at a bank
• Telemarketer.
• President of the United States of America.
• One summer, I worked simultaneously for 1) a food delivery service run by a chain-smoking, overly-tense 20-year-old and 2) a teaching supply store run by a male chauvinist who bitched out his female employees in front of customers and other employees. Looking back on it, I should have stayed on unemployment.
• Prostitution. 'Exotic Dancing'.
• For reasons of boredom, I couldn't be the person who has to sit in the tollboth and make change.
• Sigh. That's tollbooth. And I'm pretty sure if I worked for an animal shelter/pound/ASPCA I would be out gunning for way too many nasty people within a week.
• I'm with Mickey. I tried that once. I didn't last through the second day.
• Oyster sexer.
• Airline Host (or steward, or WTF they are called).
• Sprint. Again. Never.
• I remember watching the credits of Silence of the lambs and thinking "Moth Wrangler!" Can you imagine how frustrating? So, that.
• Telemarketing or Technical Support.
• Daycare worker. Short order cook. Employee at New Age bookstore. Bank teller. Booking agent at agency for clowns. Weather girl.
• Fuyugare...shave that thing! Wash that ass! You just don't knows how fun something is until you tries it! That, and having an $1800 day last Sunday, so maybe I'm biased ;)
• $1800!!.. on a sunday? The meaning of money is kind of funny...laaadeedaaa
• Office monkey. Because everyone in an office is an arsehole. Not necesarily because arseholes work in offices, but because the office makes them into arseholes. I don't want to be an arsehole again.
• And a 7.5 hour Sunday is not my idea of a good time.
• I dislike my job in theory (pretty much regard most of the people in the industry as business-speak ass-kissing idiots) and quite like it day-to-day (mainly because I work from home whenever I want, have a lot of autonomy in terms of making decisions, enjoy running projects and get paid well). So I guess I'd hate any job where I was actually expected to show up regularly.
• Easy. Member of the US military.
• When I was younger my rules for 'jobs I'm not getting over the summer' were 1. No (non-pre-packaged) food, especially dairy 2. Minimize the amount of children. My idea of Hell involves working in a daycare. However, the worst job I ever had that I walked away from was being a Latin tutor to homeschoolers. I'm glad I quit before we had to get into Roman religion, because I probably would have been fired for blaspheming or something.
• On a bad day, I was probably one of the rudest waiters you could ever have had the misfortune to come across. I'm not especially proud of this, but nor was I proud to work as a waiter.
• Any job where conversations unrelated to the tasks, such as chit chat, are expected.
• I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
• Working nightshift as a nurse's aide in an old people's home, again. The odd random wails, the weeping, the talking to people who weren't there. And that was just me. Also, I don't want to buy anything middleclasstool hasn't sold or processed.
• Wait wait, you are an actual prostitute, moneyjane? And you love animals to the point of incessant repetition? For some reason that is giving me a huge cognitive dissonance. I must now carefully examine why I seem to think people in the skin business are joyless, cynical people.
• Yes, fuyugare, I am. Apparently I didn't repeat that incessantly enough. hugz 'n' kisses!
• moneyjane: how much for me to come round there and discuss Derrida with you?
• It's all by the hour, Decani. Starts at $250 - but I'd give you the special Hot 'n' Bothered Intellectual rate of...$250. The HnBI is my main clientele...the things a girl can accomplish with a decent IQ, voracious non-fiction reading habits, and a nice rack are many and varied.
• Apparently I didn't repeat that incessantly enough. Hmm, that was probably before my time. This thread is honestly the first time I heard you mention it. And hey, aminals are cool too. Ah love them aminals — Ahm a steward of the aminals!
• Surgeon. I had to look away in the ear-cutting-off scene of reservoir dogs. I didn't take biology in highschool so I could avoid dissecting earthworms.
• McDonald's. I worked there long ago, and after the first week had vivid, uncontrollable fantasies of putting the manager's head in the fryer. Many years later i saw that movie where they DID put the owner's head in the fryer and I raised my fists above my head and yelled 'YES!' and caused the people around me to look at me funny.
• I once turned down a job as company nurse at a large slaughter-house. I couldn't get past the smell and I took one look at the work floor, with the workers wading through the blood, with cutting knives and saws, all I could envision were employees minus extremities and employees with large cuts with severed arteries. No it would make me crazy I am sure.
• moneyjane: $250, eh? That's not bad, considering how distasteful it must be listening to some old fart bang on about Derrida for an hour. I'd want at least 500 for that. And I'd insist he took a shower first. And wore a condom. Over his head.
• middleclasstool? You are my hero.
• (Been thinking about this instead of doing any real work today...) I've pretty much decided that I can't do any job where people treat me like I'm stupid. I've been told that, because of the way I look (blonde, young) and the way I present myself (blonde, young) people tend to underestimate my intelligence. I think that one of the reasons I'm still putting up with academia is that I think people have to assume that I'm at least kind of smart to be here. *sigh* Though that's not been the case, lately.
• Actually, Meredithea, that can bit a bit of an advantage sometimes. There is no fool easier to outfox than the fool who underestimates a rival. These individuals are usually star members of the give-'em-enough-rope club as well - basically they'll hang themselves high and often, and all you need to do is keep 'stupidly' doling out the rope. The real genius part is that they'll never even suspect an inferior as capable of having any role in their inexplicable downfall.
• This man... He talks. And talks. But not until he knows a person fairly well. He forgets things. All the time. Sometimes intentionally. In fact, he usually forgets the time, Has a tenuous connection with routine affairs. He often smells Of horse and dog or hay or midden. He ignores or forgets what he's been told or been forbidden. To save his life he cannot remember when to cut his hair or shave. He may or may not have a beard. May show up at public functions wearing petals or dead leaves or pollen. Has been known to shower in his underwear and shoes. (So much depends on how much irritation he suspects he's causing family and friends.) This damn fool really needs a nanny to assist him and tell him what to choose, and kick his fanny, Since his garments get worn inside out as often as not. And he likes his clothing old. "Familiar friends", he says; (his family says his favorites are best discarded and forgot), Wellworn or torn, darned and patched; his socks are frequently mismatched. There may be crumbs caught in his beard, when he has one. And always, Jackson Pollacks slobbing down his front. He grows thistles for the wild birds. Bursts into curses or tears or he chortles when a mood overcomes. Or he whistles. He mumbles, growls. Been known to stride painfully into the walls of his own house. He loses himself, he gropes for an elusive thought, finds himself standing in rooms he doesn't recall entering, Scratches his head, blinks in wonder at how or why he's ended up in this unlikely spot. Notes another superficial blunder.
• On the "No" list would be anything involving colonics, kids, waste (trash or human), anything mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly boring. There has to be at least a small amount of mental stimulation involved. Oh, and telemarketing of the variety where I have to try to get people to buy things. If they call me, no problem.
• Looking at this thread, I thought the universal aspect of bad jobs would be lack of control. (e.g., some institution) Now I think the worst jobs I've had were ones where my employer's expectations were low. I guess that's the old cliche about a job not being challenging enough.
• Being a cop. My cousin's one, and my uncle was a detective. I'm a marketing executive, which isn't exactly a lot of people's dream job. But when I was a reporter, I worked police beat. I saw an infinitesimal amount of the shit they see every day, and it used to depress the hell out of me (sit in on a couple of domestic disputes, just for the petty fetid ratass strench of them, follow up with one of the several varieties of unbelievably-bad-parenting-in-action and see if your opinion of humanity in general doesn't swirl down to around "rethinking nuclear war as a positive step" level). They swim in a sea of that shit and, personally? I'm continually amazed that more of them don't just form up into bands of heavily armed problem-solvers with car trunks full of bleach and black plastic. I couldn't do it - they issue you a gun, for chrissakes. Two weeks, I'd be littering my beat with well-ventilated fuckheads.
• I was an officer for over twenty years, Fes. It can be horrific, but the only cops I knew who couldn't 'swim in the sea of shit' were those who shouldn't have been cops in the first place. Like any other job, if you don't have the disposition for it, you'll suck. The best cops I was acquainted with were calm, level-headed and didn't have a weird macho complex attached to the uniform or gun. The worst were those who walked onto their beats and expected to be feared and bowed to by every civilian and officer of lower rank. That was the most frightening part of the job, knowing that there were people who were apparently on my team who were sociopaths bearing grudges against society.
• Lesseee, nobody here mentioned proctologist. I'd have to go with proctologist as the worst. And car salesman. That's REALLY disgusting. I'd rather deal with a proctologist than a car salesman any day.
• C:\CRAPJOBS>del *.* Do you really want to be unemployed (Y/N)? y C:\CRAPJOBS>cd\MonkeyFilter
• Once, during depserate times, I had a job selling satellite TV door-to-door. I lasted about two hours before I threw my clipboard into a hedge and walked away.
• I once tried to be an english language teacher. I didn't past beyond the training lessons before bailing out. Nevermind I like teaching, I have given lots of one hour teaching lessons to small groups and also have tutored lots of students. I like it, but only when it involves areas I happen to like, like mathematics, biology, physics and computer science.
• moneyjane, I see your point, and I wish I could do that! I just can't seem to get past the irrational anger part of being treated badly. It's something I'm working on. As my mom keeps telling me, there are assholes in every profession, and I need to learn how to deal with 'em in a way where I come out on top, like you said :)
• Self-respect is a bitch, meredithea. But it's yours unless you give it away. One way to let people dig themselves a hole when they're trying to dig one for you is to not respond. Leave a bunch of silence there, and people want to fill it. Let them; they'll hang themselves.
• Worst jobs in science (may have been posted here before.) Worst British jobs in history, with a quiz. I assume this one is US centric,
• It takes a bit of doing to get the hang of it - and I have a short fuse. What helps is knowing what your own long-term goals are, and how you can work toward them day-by-day. Know that most, if not all, of the assholes plaguing you today will be long gone soon enough really helps to put things into perspective. Try, next time somebody is being a dick/twat, looking at them with the blandest expression you can muster, while thinking, "You, dickhead, are temporary". And, as goofyfoot mentioned, let them swing in silence as often as possible. It'll drive them crazy, and there's nothing they can do about it but leave you alone.
• Prison guard. Why anyone would voluntarily spend half their waking life in fucking prison is beyond me. Wolof: I'M A WAITER AND I'M PROUD! (There, I said it loud.) moneyjane: no fair mentioning "rack" in the (.)(.) sense without definitive photographic evidence.
• vapidave: Check out the web site in her profile. She's quite lovely.
• Oops. She changed the link to her blog. No pictures. Too bad, from my perspective, since the one that was there before was quite erotic/interesting. But the blog is very hard-hitting.
• rats and hard-hitting is a good description.
• My new favorite mofi spectator sport: watching the n00bs discover moneyjane. Oh, and job you couldn't get me to touch... hmm... Anything causing intentional pain to people or animals.
• Coppermac: Somehow I missed your comment up there until just now. I was brought up with the idea that "the policeman is your friend." I tried to impart that to my kids. Somehow in the time period between '78-'89, all we seemed to run into was a**holes. Don't know if the climate had changed or what. Fortunately, since then I've met/befriended/run into a handful of officers that have restored my faith to the point I don't mind teaching my grandkids that the Man be there "to serve and protect." Just keep your shit straight. No prob with teh fuzz.
• bees, that may be my favorite so far.
• I'd hate any job that required me to be around people who are miserable. So no psychiatry, prison work, nursing homes, etc. When I was younger, several people, including my parents and school guidance counselor, told me that I was a good listener and should be a psychologist. I thought that always seeing people at their worst would make me depressed by some sort of mental osmosis. So I went into science, where emotions aren't supposed to count. I'm very happy with that decision. And by working hard, I've also become a mediocre listener. I do really well in tech support and sales, as long as I am not calling or approaching people. I can't stand to intrude on people's privacy. But when somebody is interested in a product, or has a problem getting something to work, I'm very patient and good at translating their questions into tech-speak. Come to think about it, being a phone rep was probably more fun than any research job I've ever held.
• Fast food. I've done it. I really can't keep the smile pasted on when people start complaining about something I and the people in back have no control over. If the picture on the menu shows ketchup, and you don't want ketchup, you need to say something. We don't mind remaking it, but you aren't getting it for free. OTOH I've done telemarketing and found it to be enjoyable. Easy cash, at least when the stuff we were selling was actually worth buying. Plus, after the first couple of minutes the people I'm talking to are interested in whatever I'm selling or they've hung up on me. Either way, less hostility. *twirls mustache* Now, as all telemarketers are inherently evil, I'm off to tie little Nell to some train tracks.
• I have most people's nightmare job; I work in an office. But people calling me a soulless zombie doesn't bother me a bit, actually. It's better than being unemployed, which is my other option. My nightmare jobs tend to involve crowds. Server, first of all. And I don't think it's evil; my mom is one of those lifelong waitresses. It's just not for me. I can tell the difference between "not for me" and "objectively bad." Telemarketer, because I don't like cold-calling. Any job in which I have to actively hard-sell things to people (customer service is okay, but pushing people to buy crap they don't already want? no.) Or fast food. eegh. But having had this ironclad work ethic drummed into my head my whole life, I would do a lot of things most people scoff at. I'll work retail, or in an office, because I know what it's like to worry about paying the rent and I know that my job does not define who I am.