October 02, 2004

• I used to tutor middle-school and HS kids, some of which were discipline problems. In my experience, some kids just need a swift kick in the ass. Not that you should necessarily be dispensing the kicks, but considering that he's up for a tough time in the "boot camp" in the upcoming weeks, a good no-nonsense attitude with him might actually prepare him a little bit. Listen to what he's got to say, but when he starts going off into BS-land, cut him short and steer him back to the topic at hand, which could be: at some point, each person has to take responsibility for their lives, and the sooner they do so, the better off they'll be. Also, if you happen to have any common interests which you can expand on, that may help a rapport. If he gets comfortable with you and doesn't think that you're going to belittle him, he'll probably drop the bragging after a while. Aside from that I wish you (and especially him) luck.
• The best thing I think you can do is make a solid connection to the real guy beneath. He's going someplace that may or may not help him, certainly where he's been was no help...he lies a lot, brought a gun to school...I hate to say it, but if he were female he'd be on his way to treatment rather than boot camp. It may not be easy. Beneath that blustering surface may be a total asshole who, when he thinks no one would like him if they really knew him would be right. you have to do this from your truest self, he can smell a faker a mile off. He can probably smell condescension a mile off too. I wish I could be more specific, but...I can't. you're gonna have to like him. you're not going to fix him in a week but you can make sure he knows he's not invisible. Aw shit. I give up. This should be said by someone more eloquent than I. good luck, tho. To you and to him.
• I think you were eloquent enough, PatB.
• Getteth him to a shrink?
• I don't. And you smell bad too Pat =P
• I'm pretty sure you can't make up for a lifetime of problems in a week. If you had longer, you might be able to bring out his little kid again by doing spontaneous, cookoo stuff with him - get him to laugh naturally. On the other hand, 15ers can be tough - they've already started to leave home in their minds and peers can have more influence than family. Counseling might be better for him than boot camp, but, well, who knows? Maybe you can set youself up as someone he can confide in as he goes through what his parents have chosen? Having a mentor could be a life saver.
• Take off the kid gloves. Had a good friend of mine who was an officer in the army cadets. He had a cadet who he was semi-mentoring, who was similar in attitude to what you've described, though not nearly as bad as it sounds. The cadet ended up spending a lot of time hanging out with our group of friends, but none of us were giving any particular thought to mentoring. We were all fairly smart, and a bit older and never cut each other any slack. Whenever he opened his mouth with the kind of talk you're describing we'd either cut him to pieces, ignore him, or tell him to shut up. Eventually the kid realized that he had to use his head and think honestly and intelligently, and if so we were completely willing to listen to what we had to say. Just being listened to was a new experience for him. There was also a stage in there when he learned to ask questions because his attitude and lack of education had given him a pretty skewed view of reality. It was a pretty crude and completely un-thought out strategy on our part, but it had good results. Of course, that cadet was a pretty smart guy himself. He just needed to realize it. We also had the advantage that he actually wanted to hang out with us.
• 36 has a way of forgetting what 15 was like. Nevertheless, PatB's close to the heart of it -what I *do* remember is that, when you're 15? No one listens to you - you're ignorable, inconsequential, invisible. Lies, exaggerations, assholery - all are compensation techniques against the idea that the world considers him dismissable (it doesn't help that he's juiced to the gills on testosterone, either). It's not a feeling - or a reaction - that's unique to 15. But again: PatB is right - you have to be his cousin, but what's more you need to be his friend. Remember: all his life, adults have discounted him, sold him short. If you want to reach this kid, you must not - you have to listen to him. It'll be hard, because 15 year old's think they know every damn thing there is to know when they really know exactly dick about anything BUT you, as an adult, can ignore that. Listen to what he says. Offer - don't order, offer - the occasional bit of gentle advice, the occasional clarification of what will be his totally wrongheaded ideas. Let him talk. Do your best not to make (or, at least voice) snap judgements mo matter how ridiculous what he says may be. Tell him - and mean it - that you will be the same when he returns. And mean it. Did I say mean it? It may be that your cousin is simply a bad kid, taking the first steps toward a bad life. They exist - but they are RARE. From what you describe, the kid's homelife ain't peaches, but it doesn't sound like it's *damaging*. What he really needs is for someone - ANYONE - to take him seriously as a person. If you can give him that, you'll go a long way toward turning this kid around.
• sounds like more than just the typical teenage angst / growing pains sort of thing, which would lead me to believe he could use, at the least, a decent psych eval... likely w/ some followup treatment. if you agree, then perhaps your best bet is to:

  1) suggest this to your parents or his 2) let him know that:

  a) counseling isn't just for pussies b) that there is always room for personal growth c) it certainly wouldn't hurt.

  3) if you have established rapport and/or you guys are buds, try to be a positive male role model that he can look up to. or at least point him in the right direction.

• Man, that sucks. I am not qualified to offer any worthwhile advice but I'll be wishing you & your cousin luck.
• If he has a favourite band relate to him on that level. Listen to music with him. If he has a favourite style of music talk to him about that. Tell him about your favourite song. What was your most intense live music experience? Tell him about that in detail. Then ask him to make sure that he remembers his next rock concert so that he can tell YOU about it. And then encourage him to create: art, poetry, music, pictures, writing, any god damned thing. Tell him to MAKE SHIT. Show him your favourite artwork AND TELL HIM WHY YOU LOVE IT. Take him to your favourite watering hole. Make him undestand that he can be an artist and that that is COOL. Tell him Van Gogh and Dylan are artists. T%ell him about GOOGLE. And get him alone before you tell him this. He'll figure it out.
• Jeebus -- a loaded gun to school. That is about as bad as it gets, short of actually firing it. I hope that the boot camp will empower him -- instill true confidence in the boy, so that he can see what achievement feels like. All you can really do is communicate with him -- visit him in the boot camp, if possible, and write a letter each day or so, and at least let him know that you DO care about him and his future. Tough situation. Hope it all turns out OK, and FWIW, tell the boy that his life CAN and WILL get better.
• Wot Jerry Garcia said, but also if there's time try working on an art/music/poetry/etc. project together. Brainstorming with someone can be a powerful experience. Kudos for giving a shit about this kid, and good luck to you both.
• Here's what I would have done, if I could take it back. I would have have hung on him, reminding him that I cared, until he was nearly sick of me. I would have made him know that I understood the shit that people are dealt with for family -- you know you can't pick 'em. I would remind him of his responsibilities as a future citizen. Then love him some more, if you have the heart. But god bless you for caring. X
• I recommend ballroom dance classes! Kept me out of trouble (for the most part) when I was 15. :)
• One question, ian. Teen boot camp or 'behavior-modification center'?
• I'm with Rolypolyman in the qualification department (other than having been a 15 year-old shithead myself). He's lucky to have someone who cares and has the brains and the balls and the compassion to try to make things better. Maybe a boot camp isn't the answer but something like Outward Bound might help. A change of environment, challenge and a sense of accomplishment can go a long way. Good luck to you and your cousin.
• I didn't read the comments because I don't want them to throw me off my train of thought; Connect with him. Connection, real connection with someone is what he needs. He needs someone to listen to him, he needs someone to UNDERSTAND. No judgements. BUT.....that does not mean that he needs enabling, he needs alternatives. His parents are probably a larger problem than it might seem. To 'throw him away' at this point, when he is most vulnerable, would make the whole process much more difficult. It could work, sending him to something like Outward Bound, but more as a last alternative assuming the parents have given EVERY effort to help him. Which, ultimately is what he needs the most. Outward Bound is an excellent program, I know many who have gone through it. But by the time they went through it, they had been through every single loop that was out there. If a parent isn't willing to put in the time that is required to raise emotionally stable, mentally healthy children, then they are just asking for it. I generalize, of course. I feel bad for this kid. It's wonderful that you have clearer vision when it comes to his situation, IWS. I wish you both the best in what will be a real struggle, but a worthy one.
• Show interest in him, until he starts BSing. Once he starts bullshitting, don't encourage the story in any way. Don't ask questions, don't even say "oh, really?" Only grunt the word "huh", and do that only rarely. He wants people to be interested in/by him. Many people enable BSers by probing them with questions like "What happened then?" or "How'd you do that?" His desire be interesting will flesh out what works and what doesn't, and eventually he'll discover that the BS doesn't work. Of course, it ain't gonna happen in a week. I can't concieve of any kind of treatment that'd have some kind of useful effect after only one week.
• This is great stuff. The sucky part is the only way it will work is if it comes from the real you. Not what you've read or learned or heard or seen on oprah. Unfortunately, this is about you. and him. just two. so the best of what you've learned about stuff must resonate with the best of what hes learned. ok fine. now i sound like a flake. woooo oooo resonate and shit. this isn't about being a professional. this is about reaching with the best of yourself to the best of himself. sorry, you're stuck. its you and him. oh, and if you do what we say, you've already lost.
• Jeff, that behavior-modification center is awful!!! Unbelievably awful, I don't even care how thankful the parents are.
• As a HS English teacher, I have some experience working with intransigent teenagers. In addition to many of the good points already listed here, I would say: He's picking up more than he appears to. One of the most shocking things I've seen from my students is their ability to drink in things I thought were sliding right by; they don't always take in the things I'd like them to take in, but they do absorb an astonishing quantity of info and perspective. Keep in mind that humans almost never change right after they get what they need to do so; usually we need a week or a month or a year to process the new stuff. Be there, tell him the truth he needs to know, and try to get to the real him. Okay, now I'm repeating what others have said. Good luck to you both! (Keep us posted?)
• good suggestions here, i'd also add, keep in close touch with him when he leaves. it sounds like he needs some (a lot) of consistency in his life. try to make yourself a consistent presence, through letters or calls or e-mails or whatever. back in kansas city the kaufmann foundation did a lot of research into what keeps kids on the right path. the most important thing was *one* caring, consistent adult the kid could relate to. that's all, just one. it sounds like you want to be this one, and good for you. good luck saving a soul.
• DISCLAIMER: I am not a qualified advice giver. Nevertheless: Why did he bring a gun to school? He may not even know why or be able to answer this, but I think it has to fall into one of two broad categories: (1) He's involved in some other dangerous (maybe criminal) activity and thinks he needs a gun to carry it out. (2) He is being threatened or harmed and thinks he needs a gun for protection or revenge. If it's 1, then bootcamp might help. If it's 2, it probably won't. But the general advice others have given, to get a close connection to him, seems right. It's clear you really care about him, and that is what you want him to see. Hang out and do stuff with him. Gain his trust. Be honest. Don't rat him out. If you don't press but just are there as a caring, trusted adult friend, then at some point he may want to talk seriously about the direction of his life. At that time, ask him what he thinks rather than telling him what to do or think. Avoid trying to "set him straight" - that's what everyone else is trying to do and he probably just resents that at this point. Instead, you just want to deeply understand his point of view and why he acts as he does.
• I have spent most of my adult life working with kids like this (but not anymore). He should NOT go to boot camp. The recidivism rate is actually higher for boot camp than jail. It won't help, especially if there is little support at home. Islander's idea about Outward Bound is much better. I have seen it work miracles with kids. But there must be follow-up when he gets home. The kid is seeking negative attention. Boot camp will give him more of this.
• I don't mean to get snarky here, but I find lot of the advice I've read here dangerously naive. Almost nobody squarely addressed the fact that he tood a LOADED GUN to school. "Art therapy"?! "Boot camp"?! This kid needs the best professional you can get your hands on, because something very, very fucked up has happened in that house; I don't know what it is, but it's going blow the lid off your entire family when you do find out. This isn't just normal teenage fucked up. He may have a very serious personality disorder. (The armchair psychologist in me wants to give a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder, but I realize that there's not enough information given here.)
• (yeah, pyrr has a good point)
• pyrrthon1, I don't know if stories like this never show up on your local news, but depending on where he lives, this is rapidly becoming 'normal fucked up' behavior. Also, since the media puts it on TV for everyone to see, it's also the fastest way for a teenager to get the attention s/he needs/wants. A single devastating event is not required to lead to this. What I would imagine is more likely is long-term, subtle negative attention. If a child does not get appropriate, consistent attention and understanding, through time, they will start to do things that will get attention. It may start out by not doing homework in the 5th grade, progress to lying, progress stealing, etc...... It's a slow process. There is no way this is out of the blue unless, as steveno pointed out, he has been threatened. Therapy is obviously needed, gun aside, but more than that is participation of the two most important people in his life. Frankly, some people just should not be parents.
• From what I've read of what Oliver James has been saying week in and week out in the Observer, it's our relationship with our parents that either makes it all work ... or not. The next best thing may be someone else who believes in and cares about us. That can inspire us to see that value in ourselves, and live up to it.
• If he really is just an asshole, then I don't think a boot camp is going to help. He's going to be an asshole while he's there, and afterwards he's going to be an asshole who resents his parents for sending him away. If he is just a shy kid seeking acceptance, then boot camp really won't help. He just needs someone to talk with, to know that people like him for who he is. I know that sounds cheesy, but most likely he is acting out because he isn't getting attention by acting normal. If he is sent to boot camp, he is just going to think his parents don't care enough to deal with him themselves, and are dumping him on the boot camp to do it for them. As a teenager, I have seen this happen to my friends. I heard directly how they felt about it, and how well it worked.
• Did he manage to articulate *why* he brought a loaded gun to school? Was it with a desire to get caught? Did he actually genuinely feel he needed it for self defense? Was there a possibility of his actually using it? I'm not in the slightest qualified to have an opinion on this, but the one thing that strikes me is that low self-esteem coupled with behaviour that has an obvious negative impact on himself (ie he continues to lie even when his listeners know he is lying and he is aware that this leads them to form a worse opinion of him; he brings a gun to school knowing the consequences this would have) could easily lead to self-harming and other nasty nasty stuff. Probably the best thing you can do is to get him to see a mental health professional - there may be a lot more stuff going on here than you know, which boot camp won't help and may actually exacerbate. You can't really begin to solve the problem until you're really sure what the problem is. I'll email a psychiatrist friend of mine about it, I'll let you know if he has any thoughts. Good luck to you guys.
• Wow, this is an incredible response. Thank you all so much, I haven't had a chance to check back since posting it. In response to a few of the questions that have been popping up: He has been seeing counselors for a good portion of his life, and nothing has ever seemed to help. He's always been the "shitty cousin" type at our family gatherings, which I'm sure even more fueled his lack of self confidence. But counseling so far has seemed to do nothing. He tends to gravitate torwards the "hard" kids in school, and this is part of him wanting to prove himself. He's trying to hang out with the little drug dealers, the wanna be thugs (this is Olympia WA), and the hoodlums. But they dont even accept; before being expelled he used to get bullied quite a bit, in fights, etc. Him bringing a loaded gun was part of him trying to prove himself; I'm utterly positive it had nothing whatsoever with him wanting to hurt someone. He merely wanted to show he too was "hard". His mother was the type of woman who, when my cousin was an infant, would put him in his stroller and feed him from a bottle when he was hungry. It always used to bother our family how little his mother made contact with him. And his father is gone 9 months out of the year. I think alot of what he suffers from is having A) someone who cares about him, and B) a strong parental fatherly do-this-or-i'll-smack-you sense of guidance. I'm not sure how much of either I can provide; I think I just want to try and be a true friend to him for this week and get him to open up to me. However, I'll definitely be pointing my parents to this thread to read, for any information they also can get from it. But as everyone also keeps saying "dont listen to this", really, please understand that it all helps. Of course I'll go with what I feel for handling him over this week, but I have no idea what I'm doing either, and it's great to hear that so many people out there care and are willing to share their ideas, anecdotes, and feelings. Thanks guys - I'll be giving updates in here as we go.
• I'm not sure how qualified I am to answer. I was a severely screwed-up kid myself at 15. I'm still moderately screwed-up now, so I can't say I've found any miracle cures. On the other hand, I am gainfully employed, with a loving husband and son, and no criminal record, so I consider myself a success overall. If the parents are honestly committed to military school in a week, there's not much you can do in that time except begin to develop a friendship based on true mutual respect and empathy. That can be quite a task with someone who's being a total jerk, so just do the best you can. As others have said, your cousin needs a true friend in the worst possible way. If you can do this one thing, and follow through with it over the years, you will be an honest-to-God hero. Also, I'd recommend being very watchful of, and honest about, your own personal boundaries, as its easy to get sucked into crazy situations and end up being, or at least feeling, poorly used in the end. A truly screwed-up kid needs way more than you can give him, and until/unless he's better, he's bound to hurt himself, and probably you too, at least psychologically (and that gun is a serious warning sign that someone could get hurt physically too). So, be empathetic, but take care of yourself too. Several people have recommended counseling. I don't see this working unless the kid is going to stay in the area for a whole lot longer than a week. I personally think long term counselling (maybe inpatient at first depending on how screwed-up he really is) is a better solution than military school, but that's unfortunately not for me, or probably you, to say. Drugs, on the other hand, can work wonders very fast (weeks to months) if your cousin was willing to try them. Going to a good psychiatrist before he ships off to military school could get him on drugs (if they are appropriate for him) before he left, though he might not notice improvement until after he got there. Other things that have helped me, that you can encourage him to turn to in times when he is feeling very low: art, music, reading. It might help to admit outright that these things seem dorky and uncool, but that they really help one survive in difficult circumstances. The gun really bothers me. If a troubled person feels they need a gun, its never good news. If he thought he needed it for self-defense (which is certainly not impossible), then just being out of that enviroment will be good for him. But gun ownership in a troubled person is a *huge* warning sign for suicide, and I would imagine, interpersonal violence as well. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your cousin.
• Uh, on preview, I'm glad the gun thing seems situational (i.e. related to his "friends", rather than his internal state). Being away from his "friends" will probably be good for him. On the other hand, military school is no doubt chock full of tough cases for him to try and cozy up to. Counseling is not always all its cracked up to be. I found it only minimally helpful over years of honestly trying to get the most out of it I could. It does help some people a lot. I found drugs way more effective though. If he's been in counseling for most of his life, he must have a diagnosis, right? Maybe a school for kids with his psychological issues would be more helpful if the parents were agreeable.
• His mother was the type of woman who, when my cousin was an infant, would put him in his stroller and feed him from a bottle when he was hungry. It always used to bother our family how little his mother made contact with him. And his father is gone 9 months out of the year. Unfortunately, that's the key, right there. I'll bet that if mom and dad weren't willing to give him the support he needed for aquiring attachment through stimulus, interraction and affection as a baby, then it's highly unlikely that they'll want to deal with him now that he's become somewhat unlikeable and difficult. You should try to have several family members, whoever is willing to commit, get togethor and make sure that he has several people he can have consistent and reliable contact with. Meaning that no matter where he gets sent, he will be able to know there are some people close to him who care, people he can make a phone call to in order to touch base and get moral support from. Also, children really trust consistent rules and guidelines. Whoever gets involved with him needs to have a really strong backbone and not be a sucker. They have to be able to call bullshit on the bullshit while at the same time make sure he understands they are in for the long-term. Once trust is established, which will take a long time, he won't try so hard to push away (which is his way of testing). /sorry if I'm now rambling. I happen to be studying for clinical psychology degree in child behavior and this is a bit up my alley--your my guinea pig!!! MwuahahahahaI
• There's a disorder that results from lack of physical parental attention - wish I could remember the name of it. Kids need to be held and cuddled when they're litte or their socialization lags or never happens. This may be more serious than you think. Darshon - can you help find the diagnostic clues on this? There was some publicity on it 2 or 3 years ago. And, ian - maybe you should talk to a professional. (I have a nephew whose mother admitted that she never held him when he was little, and he's quite frightening now. I've always wondered if he got good help when younger if it could have made a difference.)
• I've always wondered if he got good help when younger if it could have made a difference Good point, path. It's become fact that the first 3 years are vital in all areas of development, especially socially. Help within the first ten years might get you somewhere, but after that, you are looking at a very long road. It takes unbelievable commitment to take someone like this on. That's why it fails so often, few people are really capable of follow-through. So......that being said, ian, be very sure you can do this, the last thing he needs is for people to say they are in it for the long haul, and then not be.
• This is an interesting read, Ian, and may give you some insight. You may also recognize some other signs.
• Well, since we're doing armchair diagnosis here, I have to put a word in for the mother. It may be true that she was emotionally neglectful. On the other hand, it may not be true at all. We would need a lot more information to know. Attachment does not all come from the mother. It is an interaction between the parent and child. Through no fault of their own, beginning in infancy, some children reject attempts by the parent to bond. This is especially true of kids on the autism spectrum. When you cuddle them, they turn away or arch their backs and begin a panicked cry. When you smile at them they avert their gaze. After a while the parent may become discouraged and give up. Hence the erronious theory that autism was caused by "refridgerator mothers" who failed to show affection to their children. Actually, as it turned out, the mothers had attempted the normal bonding process and been rebuffed. So, my armchair diagnosis of this poor kid, knowing full well I lack sufficient knowledge to make one, and that therefore its all bogus, is: Asperger's Syndome (a mild form of autism), Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Depression. If I'm right, he'd do well in a program for kids with autism spectrum disorders. (But I realize full well I could be completely wrong. The lying, especially, doesn't match up very well, since autistic kids don't usually lie).