December 25, 2003

• this is my favorite link yet to appear on mofi. thanks!!
• What is Kansei for "Wet-Nap"?
• Anyone want to help me convince the world to sing in perfect harmony? We could make a Pepsi logo visible from space. Then, we can scream in horror as Coke's orbiting weapon array fires round after round of frothy goodness at us from up above the atmosphere. It'd be great.
• Um...what is a "Wet-Nap"?
• Those little sanitary napkins restaurants give out. Moist towelette is I believe another term for them. Though originally thought to be impregnated with the more virulent version of hypothermia, studies have shown that the napkins are in fact nothing more than moist napkins.
• From the back cover of a remaindered paperback book found in a Shell station men's room in Clovis, New Mexico: "I think it was that rascally Jim Loy, while on retainer for the OSS back during the Marshall Plan days, who invented what we've come to know and love as the "P-sd/Tow(mst.)". Back then our black-ops boys (Navy SEALS--ed.) were eating a lot of chicken, it being a dietary staple of several thousand sailors seeing service in Destroyers and Aircraft carriers, but we were having problems with the procurement and disposal of dining napkins and such. Seems like the blasted Russkies were shutting down supply lines and whippin' up new linen substitutes faster than you'd say "Howard Johnson." We Americans were proud of our chicken; golly, them birds were so dang juicy it'd drip right into the cuffs of your pants if y'all weren't careful (see "Greasy-Fly Rag", "Jumpy Chick-Slickers Got A Gravy On Me" and "Monica, Lend me your Kercheif, Do" by Slick Clinty and his Arky Boys, Capitol Records Reissues--ed.). But that was trouble brewin', see? Because after a couple of legs, or a breast and such, your entire torso looked like a glazed do-nut. Captain was not so pleased. So here's where Mister Jim comes in. He took some surplus muslin, a little parraffin, some of cookies' lemon water (straight from the Cap's dippin bowls I kid you not sir!) and sealed the whole kaboodle up in a Wrigley's gum wrapper he'd turned inside out and scratched off the painted lettering.Then sealed it tight with a hand-welder filched from Zeeky Drinker's extra lug pail in the aft ballast sluicers. After he'd enlisted my help in rounding up a dozen or more buddies, we turned out 3000 or so in under 16 hours one Wednesday. He gave us a nickel for each one completed. What with some danged Kamikaze action that month, we mostly forgot about ol' Jim and his wonder-napkins--we were just glad to have some loose change for Chesterfields. Then we heard Jim Loy sold all 3000 "Personal-sanitary device/towelette(moist)" to the Quartmaster's office at Pearl for the sum of $1,500 including future options and aproprietary first refusal bonus on subsequent devices. And ever since that day I told myself that vengeance is mine, and it will be hot and honey sweet. My name is Payson Burt. This is my story."
• "Jim Loy: Man or Incredibly Mixed Up Creature Who Stopped Living And Became A Zombie?" next on Jim Loytv the all Jim Loy all the time channel.
• I have not eaten at a KFC since 1993. That's all I have to say about that. Though, I'm sure Jim Loy has.
• He's big around the middle And he's broad across the rump Runnin' ninety miles an hour Takin' thirty feet a jump -- "Ole Slewfoot", as sung by Johnny Horton
• I haven't eaten at a KFC since the 70's, when it was still Kentucky Fried Chicken, but referred to as Colonel Sanders (or as my mom called it, Colonel Tucky). Beat THAT.