July 26, 2004

• If I was in a combat zone, I'd be a bit nonplussed to find that a diety was taking a direct interest in me. I have found that staying under the various Supreme Beings' radar screens is usually the best course of action. Trust me, you don't want their undivided attention. Your life will get all *kinds* of crazy.
• That reminds me of the letters from Santa Claus I sent to my relatives when I visited Rovaniemi (fi).
• While I understand the sentiment behind this, there's something about choosing to write on behalf of God that bothers me. Sort of like putting words in someones mouth, but on a much higher level.
• I was thinking the very same thing Koant.
• You would think that God wouldn't have to charge $7.95.
• How cynical, Genial. God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful -- but He just doesn't have the time to write a quick note to humans who lose loved ones. Fortunately, He uses USA flag stationery. We know which country is His favorite!
• Dear Abdullah al-Jihadi, Crush the infidel in my name! Yours etc, Allah.
• Dear Abdullah al-Jihadi, No, don't listen to that guy! Live in peace with your brothers! Yours, God.
• Abdullah, No, wait! Sacrifice to me a fattened calf, or suffer the lightening bolts of my wrath! I remain faithfully yours, Zeus.
• I can't believe in a god that starts that many setences with prepositions.
• My kingdom for a spellchecker.
• The paragraph - "As I look down, I wonder, when did humankind go so astray? When did the freedom of choice become a free license to kill and hurt others? When did free speech become so ugly? When did the free will, that I wanted people to use so wisely, become so twisted and distorted bending to rationalize even the most heinous, hideous and humiliating of choices." - seems to diverge somewhat from the "bringing comfort and solace" bit of the mission statement... Not quite sure what its purpose actually is, but then everything about this site confuses me, to the point where I just want to apply for species reassignment and live out the rest of my days as a jellyfish.
• Dear World, Can't we just be getting along, and not hurting anyone, or eating meat? Thinking of your karma, Hare Krishna, esq.
• A personal letter to Pvt. Matthew Chapman From ODIN I wanted to write to you personally to tell you how very proud of you I am. You are one of the finest young men of your time or any other time. And I wanted to make sure you know that this does not go unnoticed by Me or the Einherjar. My own Daughters watch over you, awaiting your bloody and heroic death, when they will bring you to join me in Valhalla. Unless, of course, you die a coward's death, in which case the icy mists of Niflheim await. You are an amazing young man, Matt. You epitomize all that is strong and swift and valiant about humankind. Much like Ragnarok, you did not choose this war, you did not hand pick this enemy. But you knew you must defend the rights, liberties, and freedom of America. And after your death on Earth, you will do the same against the Jotun menace. For this, I honor you. Blood and iron, ODIN BATTLE-FATHER
• Dear Matthew, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtan. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn! Yours in oppressive dread, Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods With a Thousand Young.
• Dear Mr. God (or whatever alias you are using today), Please stop writing to me, or I will be forced to get a restraining order against you. Unfaithfully yours, Matthew Chapman, Pvt
• Dear Matthew, Moo oink moo moo squelch! Yrs, Eris Discordia.
• Dear Matthew, Does a dog have buddha nature? Sid
• Dear Lockheed-Martin, I wanted to write you personally to tell you how proud of your corporation I am. You are a pillar of strength for My chosen nation. My Son walked into enemy territory, armed with only his faith and my love, but he would have also been proud to make peace with the Pharisees using the latest GPS-guided GQM-14/B air-to-ground missile technology. You are an amazing corporation, Lockheed-Martin, and it is my wish that your 14% earnings boost last quarter goes far to enrich your hard-working CEO and board of directors. Now go out and buy yourselves a Hummer for God and country, and let's show those ragheads who's boss. I salute you, God
• you lot are very very funny. And also going to get hit by lightning any second. My little self bet was $1 that Cthulu would appear by Fake Letter From God #5. I was close!
• Carefully extends lightning rod out window.
• Dear Matthew, Well, I just don't know what to say. Sincerely, A. Agnostic
• Dear Matthew: By the way, I'm not Him. Sincerely, Eric Clapton
• Return to Sender
• Dear Matthew: I am Him. No, seriously! Love and kisses, Bono
• Dear Matt: As you are an agnostic, I know full well that you are unsure as to whether I exist, what is meant by "I", which religion if any best describes my nature (assuming, again, that I/We/? exist) and that of the universe, which I may or may not have created. In light of this, know that I hesitated to write to you in the first place. I was worried about ruining the surprise, you see. But then I figure that you can always tell yourself that this letter is some kind of practical joke, or an hallucination brought on by PTSD, or something. So I thought I'd go ahead, just to be sure that you get the following message: I just wanted to tell you good luck, we're all counting on you. Sincerely, Sponge-God Jesuspants
• Sponge-God Jesuspants bwhaaaaaaaaaaaa haha!
• Hey Matthew: Bono and Spongebob can suck it. I am He. Mwah! Ann Coulter
• *Sends the false god Ann a plague of Krabby Patties*
• Dear Matthew, Hope thing are going swimmingly! Yours, Cod.
• Dear God, Please stop working through people. Yours in meat, Lord Sludge
• While you're reading this post, feel free join the Presidential Prayer Team.
• Dear Matthew, Do you like Melons? I like Melons. Actually, I think you should be called Melon, in honour of my love for Melons. Yours, Turkmenbashi
• Dear Melon, Go ye to the city of Babylon, and tell unto the people there that they are wicked in my eyes, and if they turn not from their ways ah fuck it just go there and blow shit up, it'll be quicker. Blah blah, God.
• Dear God, Did you mean that whole thing about the inheritance we've got coming? Because lately that's looking like some really fucked-up lie you dangled in front of us for your own amusement. And if you did mean it, could you please keep the rich factory owners from further shitting on it? Sincerely, The Meek
• My dearest Meek: My rod and my staff shall comfort you (whether you like it or not). Cordially, God CEO Lockheed-Martin
• Dear Monkeyfilterers, It has been brought to my attention by my most faithful disciple [shotsy] that you mock my holy word. You who deride my stationary selection shall be damned to an eternity in the Kinkaid wing of hell. You who mock my poor grammaticals (sic) shall be cast, ears first into the unending torment in the belly of 1,000 'Chicken Soups for the Soul' as read by Rosie O'Donnel and commentated by Tim LaHayne. Yours in me, God
• Mear Matthew, Gimme all your money. Yours in the Clear, L. Ron Hubbard
• Dear Matthew, YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON BETWEEN $1,000 AND $100,000!!! OPEN NOW TO DISCOVER YOUR PERSONAL PRIZE CODE! BUT DO NOT DELAY - THIS COMPETITION IS STRICTLY TIME LIMITED! LOOK INSIDE TO FIND OUT IF YOU COULD JOIN THE THOUSANDS OF OTHER ORDINARY AMERICANS WHO'VE WON BIG CASH PRIZES! Faithfully, God
• Dear Monkeys, Keep up the good work. Ook. Yours in bananas, Hanuman
• Dear Matthew, My disciples would like to thank you for all your hard work securing the oil fields. Sincerely, Mammon
• Dear Matthew, I am writing to you from a small village in NIGERIA, in which many of my flock have been horribly murdered by fascist bankers. I know you are a man of honour and I call on you, MATTHEW, to transport FIFTEEN TRILLION DOLLARS in SACRIFICIAL GOATS from my country of NIGERIA to ZIMBABWE. Please contact me at your earliest convenience, so I may steal your bank account details and passport. With utmost respect, GOD
• Oh, and which of you registered GOD as a username?
• To: [email protected] Subject: Friendster: New Friend Request from God God has requested to add you to God's friend list at Friendster. You must confirm that you are friends. Please approve or reject this request by accessing the Friendster web site: http://www.friendster.com/friendrequests.jsp
• God: Stuff it, emo boy. -Matt
• Dear Matthew, I'm still waiting for you to open me the door to your house. Since you left I have had to sleep under the rain and eaten from the dumpters of your neighbors, plus the occasional cats and rats. I have made a mess out of your front yard, but don't expect me to bury my own poop like that damn cat of yours that surely tried to bury his under your bedsheets. I'm a filthy mess and moms don't let kids play anymore near the house for fear of me having rabbies. Can you believe it? Just because I tried to bit the hand of tasty chubby Timmy. Now that I think of it. That damn cat of yours scratched me for no apparent reason while foaming from the mouth. Now he's on my stomach. I'm worried. I don't wanna be put to sleep so early in my life when I haven't yet impregnated that lovely poodle bitch that you never let me get close to when you were here. Now I'm starting to supect she's neutered. Probably, her owner is the one who called those bastards from Animal Control that visit the neighborhood every once in a while. Luckily I can hide inside that nice sport car of yours that some guy broke into several weeks ago. I hope you don't mind the torn car seats. After all, I don't think I'm so unlucky. I have heard you are living and fearing worse than I where you are. I hope you get shot in the buns. Please, come back. DOG
• Dear Matthew, You epitomize all that is good and clean and pure about mankind. You are the greatest. You are my kind of guy. You are my big buddy. You are the best man I ever liked. You are crazy like a roe lizard. Your gangsta rap music will take me on a joy ride. Rock over London, Rock on Chicago, Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions. Wesley Willis.
• Are you there, God? It's me, Pvt. Matthew Chapman.
• Fuck, I'm trying to buy one of these things and it won't let me. WHY CAN'T I PURCHASE MY LETTER FROM GOD? PAYPAL, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?
• We're on a letter from God. /elwood
• Dear the_bone, This is why. There can be only One True Way. Love, God PS: Stop saying "rad", for my Son's sake. Thanks. ;)
• I ♥ shawnj.