July 07, 2004

• personal experience has taught me that it's usually best, (no, not pete), to make it as short and sweet and definative as possible. clingy types need the cleanest cut. i've never met a man yet who would talk sensibly about splitting up, although i've heard of the occassional amiable parting. and some just keep coming back, years later. if this is a soap opera queen, well, histrionics are their specialty. any kind of audience response spurs them on. it's lose/lose. unless a neutral place where she wouldn't dare perform, perhaps. i was always good at the departure stuff and enjoyed leaving succint letters. cowardly some may say, but emotionally efficient when the demand is there.
• Face-to-face breakups may be hardest, but they're also the most effective (in the sense of getting someone to leave you alone afterwards). The tone you're aiming for is firm but not unpleasant. If you think you won't be able to keep control of the conversation, a hand-written note is the next best thing. E-mail is too easy and impersonal, she's less likely to just let go after an e-mail. Whatever you do, don't get sucked into a long-winded explanation. You're not there to explain precisely in what ways you are incompatible or to bring up simmering resentments that have finally come to a boil, you're just trying to leave. Keep it vague, and keep repeating the same thing until the conversation is over. Good luck.
• After preview, I'll delete my post nad say: "What the wise monkey Cali said." Just, whatever you do, be firm and clear and don't waver -- don't give the person any reason to hope for reconciliation. Plus, they can smell fear.
• Everyone groaned when I told them she broke up with me via email, but i think it was for the better. She got to clearly speak her mind without me trying to change it ;-)
• Face to face gets my vote. Unless they're likely to go crazy and start throwing things. Things can hurt. Also, if you're breaking up because of something, don't tell them what it is. They'll think that they can change that one thing and you'll want to go out with them again. "I don't want to see you anymore. Here's the stuff you left at my place./Can I get back the stuff I left at your place? Other people are out there, and I'm sure one of them is right for you. I'm not. Goodbye." You don't stay for the argument. If they want to talk, fine. They start arguing, you leave. Maybe, maybe if you still want to be friends with them you start talking to them six or seven months down the road. Otherwise, avoid them. If you can't, because you share the same friends, talk to your friends, not your ex. Don't be rude, just make it clear that you aren't interested in them. There isn't any way to end a relationship that won't hurt the other person, unless both of you want out and even then there's still that little voice that'll say, "Wasn't I good enough?" Breaking up is the worst.
• As Cali said, face-to-face is the way to go. It was a face-to-face relationship, right? Neutral territory is best. Having someone come over and dump you in your own apartment sucks. Be brief, be firm, don't go into details. and what Pez said.
• Leave no written trail, except maybe a restraining order. Too easy to later revisit and reply, call, page, visit, stalk... Breakups are never easy, too much invested. Follow Cali's advice. My story is a success story of sorts. We agreed to a 50/50 split of custody, although I have her about 80% of the time, 50/50 on child education, etc., no alimony, no court junk. Upon her completing NA and admit, to my face, her cheatin' ways.
• If only "face to face" didn't involve a 50 mile trek for one of us for what would amount to, by popular concensus, a 4 minute chat. That and the much greater liklihood of sticking my foot in my mouth when I run out of things to say. Would notecards be a dign of weakness? Does anyone have a spare teleprompter I can borrow? The signboard from L.A. Story? At least an email would be worlds better than say, text messaging her phone...
• How about talking about it over the phone? If distance is indeed an issue I think telephone is the next best way to make it more personal. I agree with others in that an email or letter makes someone think that there's still a possiblity of replying, changing, working things out, and the possiblity of them to take something written and read it like they want to see it is too great. You want to be able to make them understand and not walk away from it thinking there is something there that is not.
• I've been dumped exactly twice via email. Speaking as a dumpee, I can say that it made the end of the relationship hurt far worse than any time I've been dumped face-to-face. Since being dumped already has a tendency for many people to make any self-esteem become rather wobbly, doing it by email, no matter how well thought out, tends to make the dumpee feel even more worthless. My reaction at the time was something along the lines of, "They see me as so horrible or worthless that they can't even call me on the phone? They have to minimize this, and me by extension, this much?" Later, when the anger phase of healing set in, the way that they'd dumped me turned the whole thing into a towering rage, rather than a more normal level of breakup-related anger. If they'd been in reach, they'd have been in serious trouble. So, no, I don't think I'd recommend email, or other impersonal, electronic means. At the very least, if travelling is prohibitive, at least make the effort to do it by voice, over the phone.
• I agree with the consensus. In person is the way to go. Sure, a fifty-mile trek sucks, but its well worth it to accomplish something that you hope is going to last you for the rest of your life (a clean break), plus its the decent thing to do. If you are afraid you'll have trouble collecting your thoughts when you're with her, you really only need one cue card. It should say: "The reasons don't matter now. Its too late. I don't want to argue. I'm... [choose most appropriate: leaving, moving out, done with this relationship, whatever]." Look at it and repeat as needed.
• Add my vote for "face to face". I got dumped by the love of my life evil bitch when we had a long, long talk about it. I had to go off on a business trip, and when I came back, I found our apartment locked up and vacant and she'd shipped my stuff to my boss. Only problem was, I was in Hermosa Beach, CA, and my boss was in Florham Park, NJ, and it was 11:00 pm on the Friday night of a holiday weekend. When I eventually got it all straightened out, I found that she'd put a note in the box which read "I thought about what we said, but I changed my mind." (That's it, the entire note.) The worst part was, I loved that apartment and the landlord had already rented it and I couldn't get it back.
• I've broken up with someone over the phone (when I was a scatty teenager) and in person. The in-person one was infinitely harder because there was a ten-month commitment, household items purchased, and one of us was far more clingy and neurotic than the other. I'd like to think I was the saner one, yet I had the disrespect to try various non-confrontational methods of breaking up (it's not you, it's me; I'm not ready to be so committed; I'm going out tonight with my friends, you can't come, get the hint) but none of them worked. On crunch day, the poor guy called his mother over to mediate, which did nothing for me. Moral of the story: be honest, get it over with quickly and you'll both recover a lot faster, and hopefully more amicably. Leave out any third parties no matter how involved they are in your (plural) relationship. Apparently said ex has not recovered after eight years; I take this as a testimony to my charismatic and addictive personality.
• Comments from my non-simian peanut gallery: Learn this now: NEVER EVER NEVER break up with someone over email or an answering machine. It's just fucking tacky. In person, on the phone if absolutely necessary, but NEVER out of real time. Though that is a good argument, see above. Write the email and then recite it if you have to (god knows I rehearse shit over and over in my head all the time), but DO IT LIVE. "Hey, it's just not working out and i'm not sure if i'm looking for it right now anyway and blah blah blah"...yeah it's harder but if you break up with someone over email I /will/ have to kick you square in the nuts. Ms Manners has spoken Well shucks, being kicked in the emotional crotch is a lot more attractive than being kicked square in the nuts. I guess I really knew the answer to the question before I asked it, it was more sheer curiousity than a request for advice. That and, misery loves company (as well as Schadenfreude), so keep those stories coming.
• Hell... a note left on the nighttable, handwritten and nicely worded to the effect of "we have to talk" felt like stabs on my kidneys. After that, there was a civil face-to-face, but it still hurt. So I imagine the e-mail dump to be the worst possible insult. If s/he's a psycho with inclination to hurl bottles or sharp-edged objects, then get a restraining order. Otherwise, a minimum respect to the feelings of that once-SO are in order, IMHO. Thanks for opening up old wounds... /Bart
• Two words. Contract. Killer.
• I think distance is definitely an issue. I was once summoned to what I took to be a date, only to be given a brisk but not unkind dumping immediately on arrival. What then? Were we supposed to sit and talk about the weather for half an hour? Split up and spend the evening in town separately? In fact, I just went and did the return journey immediately. That was only about ten miles, but I should much have preferred being told on the phone (e-mail did not exist in those days, but I agree it would not have been quite so acceptable as a phone call). Never liked her that much anyway...
• Does it matter if she's a psycho hosebeast who has called three times while you were writing this post Let's face it - she knows already doesn't she? I'd vote for face to face ... is 50 miles so far? it shows you have some respect left for her, and the feelings that once existed ... and if it gets nasty you can always get up and leave. And it helps if you think about the language: "I don't want to continue this relationship" is probably better than "I don't want to go out with you" and much better than "You're a psycho hosebeast"!!! But there's no right and wrong and it's always a nightmare ... good luck
• I was going to said: writing what you have to say down will help make it much more cogent, and you'll realise that about 2/3 of it is irrelevant or unneccessarily pain-inducing. So, to agree, on preview with Miss Manners, absolutely write the email but by no means send it. My worst break-up was in uni, when he drove for 4 hours to surprise me for the weekend, the same evening that I had decided we needed to split -- I had to tell him, but I felt very bad about the timing. There was also the time that I got a letter from my long -term and -distance partner (very early days of email, when connections in backwater outposts of developing nations was sketchy at best) telling me he had fallen in love with another (which remarkably didn't come as much of a surprise and I wasn't that put out. Oddly). Sigh. So, yes; be cruel to be kind.
• Don't send a mutual friend over with an article of clothing and the rambling, muttered phrase "(Name withheld) said you left this at his house the other night, and he wanted me to give it back to you, since he, um, doesn't think you two will be seeing much of each other anymore." Make extra-special sure not to do this if the garment in question was actually left on your floor by some other girl. Trust me. In the name of all that is holy, trust me. Just saying.
• Oh, and don't totally stop responding to her phone calls, e-mails, letters, serenades through the window, et cetera, and then admit to her three months later that you've fallen for a fifteen-year-old you met that day you went to temple with your grandma and she's made you become really serious about God and you really had no idea how to break news like that, so you decided to break contact entirely. I am a magnet for the best boys in the world.
• Don't also travel 100 miles to see her ... go out for the evening as normal ... come back home ... go to bed and then say as things get amorous ... "I don't want to go out with you anymore ... but you can fuck me anyway" Babywannasofa ... some of my ex's deserve some of your ex's
• I agree with the consensus that face-to-face is best, telephone is second, and e-mail or hand-written notes should be avoided. The reason behind this is that it should be short and sweet. An email or note has the potential to last forever; to allow the other person to go back to it repeatedly; to analyze and re-analyze every word and phrase; to decipher the hidden meanings behind the words. No, don't do that. Say your piece and get out. Don't leave a memento of the breakup.
• It would be quite amusing to hear a story of someone getting dumped via IM or text message, but, damn, that would hurt way more than an email (which, in my opinion, is quite low). I vote for face to face. Just make sure that the other person doesn't travel to you to be broken up with. The breaker-uper must go to the breaker-upee.
• Always write down what you are going to say first and rehearse it. Always start out by flattering the other person and highlighting their good points. Always do this in person or by telephone in real time. Always take responsibility. These are very important points. You are doing this not to be kind, but to save yourself trouble. If you don't say anything negative about the other person, there's nothing they can argue with. If you take responsibility, they can't tell you how to feel. You never want to burn any bridges because you never know how you might be involved with this person in the future. Reinforce any positive things you said about the person. Don't run away immediately, but don't linger. Be kind, it always pays. Don't ever say, "it's too late"!!! (re: krebs cycle) That is a horrible thing to say that just makes a person think about all the things they might have changed if they had just acted soon enough. Usually, there's not much the person could have done to change, so that's a completely unfair thing to say, destroys his or her self-esteem and leaves him or her second guessing everything s/he did. This is very hard to do because we don't like to hurt other people, especially if we care(d) about them. The desire to avoid doing this in person is so that we can avoid confronting the results of our actions. Unfortunately, although this may save us some pain, it causes even more to the person we care(d) about. Most importantly, always be honest. Being kind doesn't mean lying. The other person will probably know why you are breaking up. Even if they don't know, they'll know you aren't telling them everything. So, be honest and leave them with the positive. Remember, the qualities you may have found unattractive may be attractive to someone else. Everyone truly does have a soul-mate. Don't leave someone feeling crushed and insecure. Leave them hopeful and expectant that someone else will come along to appreciate them.
• The distance part does sound kind of irritating, but look at it this way - you won't have to do it again. Personally, I think email is too easily misinterpreted. If there's drama involved, especially clingy drama, my belief is that being clear and leaving absolutely no room for interpretation whatsoever is the most important thing. Because if a person has problems letting go, they'll take any excuse they can get. ("Well, what do you mean by ___?" Not much room for that in "It's over. Forever. Thank you. Goodbye.") ...on second thought, this is probably part of Why I'm Single, Volume III.
• Oh, PS, after all - isn't that the way you'd want to be treated? Always follow the golden rule.
• I'm just repeating what everyone else already said, but breaking up over e-mail sucks. If you can't see her in person then at least do it over the phone. Presumably, this is a person who you once (if not still) cared for and everyone deserves some direct honesty in break-ups. E-mail is the easy way out. Part of being in a relationship is dealing with the messy emotional consequences. Say what you need to say, be honest and direct and then cut her off. Don't talk to her on the phone, don't email her, don't IM her. Sending mixed messages will only be more painful for both of you in the long run. Also, what other people said. Except for the part about the contract killer. Those guys are hella expensive. ... I've heard.
• what is this "e-mail" thing? Mail comes with all kinds of letters in it! Damn, will you people speak English?! oh and good luck. We're all counting on you. ;)
• Yep, my ex-fiancee left me via e-mail. We'd known each other for years at that point, and I'd given her a diamond ring. To compound things, she gave the non-confrontational approach: "I just don't think that God wants us to be together." Mmm hmm, God doesn't want that. Not you, God. I wished her a good life, told her I never wanted to see her again, and sent her father (a mentor of mine) to collect my stuff. In retrospect, I wish I'd been more inclined to call her on it -- I never said what I should have, as I was too stupidly proud to let her see how she'd hurt me. But I'm glad I never looked back. Add one vote for as clean a break as possible.
• And please don't meet up with the girl half a year later, kiss her and say you miss her, and then when she asks to review the relationship, tell her you're pretty happy with the way things are (ie, not together). Then ask her to go to a hotel room with you. No. Not that that ever happened to me. /self-denial
• My first serious breakup involved a distance relationship (I'd gone to grad school, she was still a senior); we talked a lot over the phone (thank god for hacker friends!) and wrote a lot of letters, but it was getting more and more tenuous. Finally I bit the bullet and wrote a letter breaking it off. Next day I got her letter breaking it off. Serendipity is definitely the way to go. (Not that that helps you, but it's a good story.)
• Hopefully she won't show up where your band is playing a fill in gig for a band that cancelled. (with her new mate!). Then she won't get too drunk and try to talk about it while you're busy playing. You do the same. That is don't get too drunk. Do it face to face and try to be as nice as possible, but firm...don't leave any doors open. It's best to make the cleanest break possible.
• If you should ever have to part from someone dear, tear yourself away, be sure the tear is where the perforations are. Please, please do not ever recklessly sever, sheer yourself from someone other so that their stamp is torn and you have part of their living, bleeding flesh at your side worn. Hart-Smith, Postage Stamp, of no use to you whatsoever but I like that poem.
• My senior year in college, we had a great debate - what would be the absolute tackiest way to break up? The conclusion we reached was, via your away message on Instant Messenger. Cell phone text messaging wasn't really prevalent then, I suspect that that may now hold the top spot. I will definitely be the one to take the long drive down there, and will definitely have it rehearsed. God, this sucks :(
• what would be the absolute tackiest way to break up? On your blog, surely. Or on someone else's. Which reminds me ... Diane - if you're reading this - you're totally fucking dumped, sweetcheeks.
• Passive-aggressive blog snark is the funnest. game. EVAR. only not.
• InfraMonkey, if you don't want to be friends afterwards, don't say you do.
• Do it in person. If the person's likely to get crazy-go-nuts, compose a list of reasons, and bop through them, otherwise you'll get distracted by false accusations and recriminations. If a physical confrontation is possible, do it in public, and make sure -- this seems detailed, I admit -- that you have something in each of your hands, like a glass in one and your wallet in the other. Maybe take someone who's sympathetic to both of you. a long considered, heartfelt, edited and re-edited email would be cowardly. Do it in person, but plan it out -- then expect your plan to fail. Your emotions and hers will get worked over, and there may be no telling what happens. Also, call me, you chump!
• God, I feel like a loser now. An exgirlfriend of mine (for right around a yeaer) broke up with me via MSN Messenger. I've never been so mad in my entire life - not because she broke up with me (she just beat me to it), but because the fact she didn't have the decency to at least show me some respect and do it face to face or over the phone (note: we lived exactly 2 mins from each other. It's really just classless to do something so important in a 3 minutes IM conversation. Thinking about it, she also told me she has 'accidnently' cheated on me via Messenger. God, what a bitch.
• there there, bah - there there. *passes the whiskey bottle*
• She cheated on you via Messenger? How postmodern! *grabs the whiskey bottle before bah can get it, takes swig, spits it out, looks reproachfully at pete_best, passes bottle on to bah*
• Hey, I know! If you don't want to be the bad guy, how about a long campaign of treating your partner like shit in the hope they'll get fed up and break up with you. Then it's their fault! Not that I'm bitter, mind.
• Well, tonight's definitely the night. I'm just thankful that I never introduced her to MoFi and she's not netliterate enough to have found it on her own (#247 on the list of Reasons), otherwise this could really end up, yeah, awkward. I will be sober up until the Talk, but at some point afterwards I'm definitely gonna have to call dibs on that whiskey that's making the rounds.
• I'll pour one out for you tonight, Infra. Good luck.
• well of COURSE you break up face to face, or you miss the BREAKUP SEX you silly person you! what good is breaking up without the breakup sex? sheesh!!!
• (mmmm, breakup sexxxxx......)
• Ha ha... It's true. Whiskey solves all my problems
• (and HOLY CRAP hicinbaby. that is indeed one evil bitch. yowsa. ouch.)
• once you've weathered your emotional storm, infra, you may join brokenheartsville! which is, as they so succinctly put it: A Saving Our Relationship and Breaking Up Community for those Going Through the Pain of a Breakup or Those Wanting to Make Their Relationships a Super Success and STOP Their Breakup from Happening!
• Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You Someone had to say it...
• Move to Malaysia ... there you can divorce her by text
• Weirdest dumping: my first boyfriend at university lived in the same halls of residence as me and we'd often sneak into each others' rooms (as you do), especially if the people on his or my floor were being overly loud at night. He broke up with me because we weren't actually doing anything but sneaking into each others' rooms, and it was a pretty much mutual agreement. Then, a week later, he came to my room complaining about his noisy floormates and asking to share my bed. I was a dumbass and said yes, and spent the whole night lying there in seething resentment while he snored away happily.
• I feel one of my favorite quotes is in order here: Love is like an ice mobile racing across the tundra that flips, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. - Matt Groening, Life in Hell
• Yes! Ice weasels! one of my all time favorite quotes. )4u squirms beneath snowmobile, half empty can of weasel repellant in hand...
• bah--your story made me laugh and cry. I hate to say it, but now I want to see the transcript from that IM conversation...I know that I am not the only one thinking that...
• brokevespa -- ha.. I actually went through my logs as soon as I got home tonight to try to find it. Turns out that it was lost when I had to recently format my harddrive. I shed a single tear.
• Hey, I know! If you don't want to be the bad guy, how about a long campaign of treating your partner like shit in the hope they'll get fed up and break up with you. Then it's their fault! I did this once, when I was young, and I'm not proud of it. It was weaselly. Years later a woman tried to do the same to me, but I was hip to it, and called her bluff. Anyway...good luck Infra! And I'll have one for you tonight, brother.
• infra: good luck buddy. I will continue the drunkenation by proxy in your honor.
• And so begins the long, long, final drive. I will return to you slightly wiser, more than slightly sadder, but relieved, unburdened, and free. And hopefully with both eyes and both testicles intact, even if not my heart.
• Shit. Is it too late for that contract killer, surlyboi?
• Goo' Luck InstaMonfy!! *hic* *stands,wavers - one eye on languagehat* SHo! Col. Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Shark ain't goo'nuf for Mi*hic*mister Langmagehat! *hic* Well . . . then . . . *hic* it's prolly moref'me. *hic*'HEY STELLAAAAAahhhhhh!! *snif* *hic* STELLLAAAAAAAhhhhhhh! . . .
• So, has it happened?
• How was it, InfraMonkey? Do we need to prepare for gonad replacement surgery?
• Bah--Thanks for looking since inquiring minds wanted to know. InfraMonkey--how did it go?
• Infra...i'm waiting!!! How did it go? * god i need to get a life!
• Sorry to keep everyone on pins and needles...1 long rant coming up
• Sorry this took so long, she completely crippled my computer with spyware. Her last legacy, as it were. Advance apologies for the length... Things did not bode well from the start. I was treated to the second most awkward conversation of the evening, namely attempting to stay benign as she insisted on talking to me on my cell phone the whole...drive...there. And that was the high point of the evening. And so it arrived, high noon. Neutral ground (my car, Nordstrom's parking lot, not an uncommon place for us to hang out). I implored that she let me have my say before responding; I got through half, and the scripted 2 minutes came to a crunching halt against the rear bumper of the unscripted 88 minutes ahead. After allowing me to have half my say, she proceed to have 5 of her own, as though each of her personalities was having one last curtain call, a final farewell. She tried flattery and sweetness; she tried shocked and hurt; she tried sex appeal; she tried digging my heart out with a rusty spoon. I stuck to my guns - name, rank, serial number, it's my final decision and it's over. I kept my composure as she jabbed every nerve that my intimacy with her had exposed, not allowing it to become the fight she seemed hell-bent on having. She tried to convince me that I didn't know what I was talking about, that I had reached a hasty decision. She screamed, she cried, we hugged, she cried. She suggested we go home, pretend this whole conversation had never happened, and pick up where we left off tomorrow. She screamed; she cried. She played junior psychoanalyst ("I took Intro to Psych in college") - her theories were so far away from the right ballpark that they were in a different sport altogether. She asked if we would stay friends, I told her no. She asked why, I told her I couldn't go back to friends after what we'd had. (I didn't tell her that I was incapable of being friends with someone whose idea of sport was throwing three seperate sets of clean silverware onto the floor to torture a waiter who "looked at her funny", tip him 1 cent, then complain to the manager in the hopes of getting a coupon for free appetizers). She asked if we could just go have the beer that we had initially been planning before my unscheduled change of itinerary, I assured her that that would be very much against the spirit of breaking up. I smoked my 18th cigarette of the day (I had been down to 2 or 3 a day before Sunday). She gathered her things, got out, slammed the door, kicked it, opened and slammed it again, got into her car, and drove out of my life for the final time. 90 minutes of agony. She called my cell phone half an hour later, as I drove home. She left a five minute recap of the finer points of her argument on my voicemail, the highlight of which was her questioning my worth as a human being and imploring me to reconsider in the same sentence. I made the right decision. The drive home was twice as long (highway construction is the bane of my existence, and how exactly do these idiots manage to get into single car accidents?) I listened to the Gin Blossoms, New Miserable Experience (twice - like I said, long freaking drive). We used to walk down the path just like lovers do She
• Sleep well. It starts getting better now.
• Gimmie her name and address. The bombing will begin five minutes later...
• Things will be better tomorrow. After the hangover. It certainly sounds like you did the right thing, and did it the best you could. *hugs*
• It'll always hurt, no matter who initiated it. Stay strong, we're all on your side. What tracicle said too. *pat pat*
• heartbreaks suck. but they are a part of life. and as you get older you look back and realize they are necessary threads in your tapestry. really. and, now that i'm in my mid-40s, i can honestly report that many heartwrenchingly awful decisions/situations in my life turned out to lead to much, MUCH better things for me. there, there, infra. we're all thinking of you. and knowing you made the right decision, and life gets better starting now.
• You did the right thing, InfraMonkey. And you can expect more of those pathetic voicemails from her. Be strong. Along with her smile, her lips, etc. comes the Psycho Hose Beast. You can't separate the two. Remember why you ended it.
• *holding icepack on head* Hey good work there Infra - the sucky part lasts about a week, i think. In the meantime there's books, tv, this place, other stuff. In the meantime, don't fall for the rebound-into-the-same-thing trap. Do crazy things. Write poetry. (then burn it.) Try that crazy fruit flavored soda. Rent lots of movies. Umm . . lessee . . . clean the closet. Sock-skate through the kitchen. Etc.
• Holy cow. Just imagine all the peace and quiet and non-dramatic interludes you're going to have now. Woohoo! If you were a girl, I'd bring you chocolate ice cream and Steal Magnolias.
• And don't turn back. Never turn back. It's never a good idea.
• All in all, sounds like not a bad break-up. It could have been much worse. 90 minutes of hell is a small price to pay to escape weeks/months/years of putting up with her shit. Well done Infra! And, as always, we're here if you need us.
• I guess it could have been worse - it always can be worse.
• I regret nothing. Actually, I regret nothing save for shots 4-7 of liquor. Erp. But thank you, all, for being there and supporting me. ) daiquiris for all! Erp. Um, maybe tomorrow night?
• All in all, sounds like not a bad break-up. It could have been much worse. My thought exactly. Strange as it sounds, you needed a little hell to accompany it, or it wouldn't have felt right afterwards. Well done, brave InfraMonkey! Now, do all those things pete_best said (but in all honesty I have to tell you the sucky part may last considerably longer than a week), look back as little as possible, and for god's sake learn from the experience. You will be attracted to women like this again (that's how we work, alas), and when you get that vibe, that little warning bell ("gee, she kind of reminds me of..."), listen! Run! Save yourself! Oh, and this is important: do not attempt dating in the near future. How long depends on you and your speed of recovery, but a rule of thumb is that if you still find yourself obsessing about the ex at least once a day, it's too soon. Dammit, now I need a drink. Sorry I was so snooty, pete_best. Pass the Col. Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Shark and let's get blotto.
• Cheers, Inframonkey. You passed the test with flying colors, and you're better off now, thin though that encouragement may sound. Give it some time, just a week or two methinks, and then one day you'll walk out your front door, feel the sun on your face, take a deep breath of that clean air, and all will start to seem well again. Then a couple of girls will run by, and the world will again be full of possibilities. Freedom begins now. Embrace it.
• I think recovery depends on the length and depth of the relationship. It could be a week or, if you were very close, much, much longer. But it sounds like you are well shut of her. Congratulations, and good work!
• If you were a girl, I'd bring you chocolate ice cream and Steal Magnolias. Heh. Me too. Or something in the same vein- if you were a girl, I'd take you out for a pedicure and sushi, or maybe hike you up to Calistoga for a mud bath. Me, I tend to go out and get a new haircut whenever a relationship ends. Nevertheless, well done, InfraMonkey. This part sucks, but it all gets better from here. Go easy on yourself, have fun, go revel in doing all the stuff you liked that she didn't. Go play in the sunshine, and at some point in the not-too-distant future, someone super will come along, and you'll be ready for her.
• and, now that i'm in my mid-40s, i can honestly report that many heartwrenchingly awful decisions/situations in my life turned out to lead to much, MUCH better things for me. Amen SideDish. 12 years ago I walked away from a borderline-abusive situation, and I never looked back. It made me much stronger. Hang in there InfraMonkey. It will get better. In the meantime, get out in the sun, take a friend's dog for a walk, and don't listen to any more sad music. Right now you want something that's steeped in righteous indignation, like this or this. Congrats, bananas and good luck.
• The good Monkeys here have said it all, but your GramMa's thinking of you, too. Have a homemade cookie. And a banana.
• Hey, look!
• I still say the DumpMonkey is fair game.
• Grrrr.....where the heck were ya on Wednesday, Jim?
• All I can say is what everyone else has been saying.... it will get better. I've been on both sides of this discussion, and I've hated going through each experience. But each experience taught me something. And whether I like it or not, each was a worthwhile lesson. I'm a better man today because I've learned from each loss.
• Congratulations, you brave bastard. We'll go out for -- *checks to see male equivalent of Steel Magnolias and ice creem* -- beer and pole dances soon. The hurt doesn't get much better, but it does get older, and you do get accustomed to it. The hurt's better than dealing with this person on an ongoing basis, I'll tell you that much for sure.