June 07, 2004

• holy jesus there'd better be an incredible [ more inside ] I'm not seeing yet to save this steaming coil of a post.
• >>It is well known no, it's not. because it didn't happen.
• New user. First post. Be nice.
• Yeah be gentle, and maybe take a deep breath before you jump on your high horse. It never even occurred to me that it was anything other than a joke, but maybe you know something I don't know.
• Can I post my favourite joke? Maybe we could turn this into a curious george.
• i am not upset in any way, let alone a "don't make posts like this!" way, but I am confused: what am i missing? title: dead americans content: "Hilarious joke but the rest is depressing and sadly coming true. " and then the joke link to: a website containg the joke. ?
• Profit!!
• fes: ha!
• be gentle, and maybe take a deep breath before you jump on your high horse sorry. we yanks remain a bit touchy about 9/11. well, at least this yank. my office is a few blocks from the white house and close enough to see the smoke from the pentagon.
• dng: Instead of posting (potentially offensive) jokes, I say we just post our favourite punchlines. I'll go first: Oh..sorry...I thought you said 'goat'!
• So the proctologist says, "Rectum? It damn near killed 'im!"
• and then second penguin says "What do I look like, a radio?"
• So the bear then wiped his ass with the rabbit.
• "No soap radio!"
• "pink fluff!"
• "Twenty bucks, same as in town!" And FWIW -- Milkwood, I know it's your first post, but this is really bad. Sorry - try again.
• "Okay, now you say, 'Control Freak WHO?'"
• "And so the dad says, 'Oh screw it, I'll do the dishes!'"
• "...Why's there a glass eye on the table?"
• (ha! the punchlines are actually quite funny on their own!)
• "What would you put in the window?"
• And then the priest says, "THAT'S not a DUCK!!"
• "Jesus! It's not the same guy again is it?" Come on! It's brilliant! I can just see the little mutant saying it too.
• "Because he's got little legs."
• "Jesus! It's not the same guy again is it?" Come on! It's brilliant! I can just see the little mutant saying it too. Let it go, Milkwood.
• "Ernest, I told you to PLUCK the chicken!"
• Sorry dng. You're right. I'll go and lay down for a while. That giggling is most unbecoming.
• "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
• "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
• "Wendy, I can fl--aargh!"
• "Two!" How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb
• "Armageddon!" Sorry for those that have heard the MP3 of that...
• "A seamstress tucks and frills. A soprano, on the other hand..."
• "Do you think I really wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
• "The fact remains that if you slept in your own bed, you'd have found the soup ladle by now."
• "No, I'm afrayed knot"
• You all have taught me how to love again. Bless you all.
• "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
• I'm sorry people, I don't think this is such a bad post. Not the greatest ever by a long stretch, but certainly not deserving of such harsh treatment. Although where DeadAmericans pulled up that little "factoid," I'd love to know. Oh, and... So the Rabbi says, "I don't know about you two, but it's my face my congregation recognizes."
• "Because what man in his right mind would sacrifice a whore?"
• "If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan."
• "...beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
• "I'm buggered if I know how to drive this thing"
• (update from RealityLand: according to Nexis, Fox news reported after 9/11 that when bush was informed of the first plane that crashed into the world trade center, he said, "that's one bad pilot." at that point, no one knew what was going on. he never said the subsequent quotation.) (you are now returned to your regularly scheduled weblog.)
• And the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
• And the pirate says, "Aaaaar... and it's drivin' me nuts."
• "Giraffe Elephant sin theta"
• "there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise "
• "Meet Patty."
• "Well, if you don't know the difference, I'm not letting you use the bathroom at my house."
• An abelian grape.
• The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."
• "No, but I know exactly where I am."
• "...Is this some kind of fucking joke?"
• "Oh Mother, sometimes you really piss me off!'
• "Tho am I, but it wath fun, wathn't it?"
• "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan -- his old man's a Rolling Stone!" well, that or "You're a real bastard when you drink, Superman" but *everybody* knows that joke.
• "Because either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer."
• "Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
• "See that building over there? I'd own it, if I had a pussy."
• *The saddest part of all, was that third little old lady, well she wanted to have a stroke...she just couldn't reach that far.*
• "One big enough to fit a Camel." "It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts." "But he's just a common tater!" "What would God want with a dead dog?" "middleclasstool, I told you to PLUCK the chicken!" Just my way of saying thanks, mct. This thread is going to be come a classic...
• "...an epileptic oyster-shucker SHUCKS between FITS...and a prostitute..." You know the rest.
• ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
• "If I'm going to have to gargle with it, I want to do it before Sister Mary Frances sits in it!"
• "See that fly?"
• The lawyer says, "fuck the kids!" The priest replies, "Do you think we have time?"
• The blonde says: "DUH!!! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
• "What did you expect, feathers?"
• lightbulb!
• "But you fuck one goat..."
• "Ouch!"
• Got any fish?
• "Fo' drizzle!"
• Got any fish?
• And the penguin says, "Oh, no, that's just a bit of ice cream."
• Bartender: " He shoulda quit when he was a head! " (cue "boiiing" efx)
• And the second nun says "I know, but it's a nice feeling."
• They were still arguing when the train hit them.
• And the Welshman said, Weeell, if yer gon'ta du it, and I wouldna say I'du it, but if yer gon'ta du it, du it on th' edge of a cliff. Tha' puush bak ha'der.
• So he says to the dad, "I'm a 42 year old investment banker. I want to go out and get laid!" Then the dad says, "Yeah, right, and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room!"
• "It's the cobblestones." "He only gets work in spurts." "Dill dough." "It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded." "It's rated ARRRRRRR!"
• and the scotsman says "Hey Mcleoud git off my ewe"
• There are three jokes. Punchline to first: Thump. Thump. Thumpity thump thump.
• Second: Thump. Thumpity thump.
• Third: Thump.
• "Well, doc, I've just been sitting around, watching porn and eating cheese doodles."
• And the father says "Why don't we WALK over and fuck 'em ALL."
• "A centipede with a wooden leg."
• "Because if they were small round and white, they would be aspirins."
• And the Imam said, "It's better than pork, isn't it?"
• "Fuck her in the ass and then wipe your dick on the curtains."
• "Cold Pop! Cold Pop! Cold Pop!"
• "Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises"
• "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No, Arnold Palmer."
• Yo, my man Zed, It was all about crossing state lines for immoral porpoises. ...and um, the_bone, are you impersonating Peter the Great? And Philip K. Dick is dead, no? oh, sorry, next thread.
• "Wednesday's your day in the barrel!"
• "The man offered me a shot of whiskey and I didn't hear him."
• Teabreak's over. Back on your heads!
• Mooooooon over Miami
• OK..........NOW you're screwed.
• There's not many speak well o' the toothache.
• "And HE'S the bastard who killed my frog."
• "Look what they did to my paw!"
• "Piiig."
• "Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken." A genius midget is a cunning runt. A venereal disease leads to... Heard that from a friend a while ago. Had to share.
• So was this a good first post or what? Milkwood
• No one knows that, man.
• "Look at the schmuck on that camel!"
• "In bed on top of my mum, and that's why I didn't get any fucking breakfast!"
• “ARRRRGGH,” the pirate answers, “it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
• And the doctor says "No, he's a clarinet player. He'll show you how to hold it!"
• "Drive-by viola recitals."
• "If the foo shits, wear it." "That's the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."
• And the devil said, "Good luck finding a lawyer in heaven!"
• And Moses whispered to Jesus, "I hate playing golf with your father."
• to which the salty old sailor replied: "I fucked a parrot once and thought you might be my son."
• so the parrot says "I don't know what the chicken did, but I'll never swear again"
• Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that ate your new shoes?
• JoAnne Worley just emailed me: NO MORE CHICKEN JOKES!!!
• "I was sitting out here eating all that hot buttered corn." "That's a cow milking machine and it won't let go until it gets 5 gallons." "Poof. The genie turned him into a tampon." "The Aristocrats."
• Orange you glad I didn't say banana.
• "Fill your lawn with beavers!"
• That's not a lion, it's a giraffe.
• Why not, I'm a fun-gi (guy). It was a heavy metal bar.
• "Ingido!"
• "...she's on the roof..."
• So the third vampire pulls a bloody tampon out of his pocket, puts it in the cup of hot water and says, "tea time!"
• "Fuck you, clown." "Nope." "Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub."
• "How do you think I feel, I've got to walk back alone!"
• I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger is allowed." The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents." Because it scares the hell outta the dog. An Amish drive-by shooting. It takes two elephants to carry them....
• "Well yeah, but my German Shepherd doesn't."
• "A pig this good, you don't eat him all at once!"
• HUIIIIIIIT!
• "Ok, now where's the lady with the toothache?"
• So three left.
• The cat is stoned and all the food is gone.
• "Hit an Ethiopian with a shovel!"
• "Does the pope shit in the woods?"
• "It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." "So I bit him." "Yeah, but I can only do it once." "And if it weren't for the bullet in his pocket, the Bible would have gone right into his heart!"
• "give the bitch a shovel"
• "You're Thor? I can hardly pith!!" (c'mon monkeys, we need more cockpunch lines here...)
• The bartender smiles and says "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"
• So the guy tears off his shirt, hands it to the woman and says "Here, iron this".
• The naked blonde says to the bartender-- [falls through ceiling into library]
• "I told you you were fucking a penguin!"
• "Looks like you've blown a seal!"
• "Bring me my red shirt! ...and my brown pants.
• Let's just blame it on the goat.
• Senor Weinie
• "Those aren't buoys!"
• "No, Watson, you idiot, someone's stolen out tent." "You're Thor? I can hardly pith!!" Hey! I did a different punchline to the same joke upthread!...
• "Bartender, I just ran over a nun." "Father, I peed in the holy water."
• "I'd like to thee her twat"
• "I'm not a cow, I'm a chicken".
• "not a damn thing - in the end, they both get your trailer"
• "We went to the zoo! We had so much fun there, now we're going to the movies."
• "The Holocaust." "There's no such thing as a Sanity Clause!" "Knowing my ex-wife it must not have been a moving violation."
• "I can see your house from here!"
• "She said no, it was quick. The bus hit him and that was it."
• "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."