May 19, 2004

• So let me see if I've got this straight: These matches, they burn?
• And that's a good thing.
• Jesus H. Fucking Christ. Please Monkeys, tell me why the stupid people won't go away?
• Hey, I joined before you did.
• In Other News, Brawny Paper Towels were deemed "dangerously absorbent" and could cause lakes and some smaller rivers to dry up. Film at eleven.
• I think the problem is that they burn "on impact" meaning that if they jostle around in the box or you drop them, they can ignite. That said, this still reads awfully silly.
• Consumer Product Safety Commission includes a picture of the nefarious product. Poor Martha. Will no one think of her children?
• The recalled matches come in a yellow checkered box a perky shade of buttercup yellow, wrapped lovingly around the aforementioned hideously dangerous STICKS OF FLAMING DEATH.
• The whole notion of safety matches is that they won't light until the user deliberately strikes them against their phosphorus-bearing striker surface. Otherwise they're about as useful as a pistol that pulls its own trigger. I suppose that these matches have an oxidant (potassium chlorate?) that's too volatile (insufficiently dilute?). Or maybe their heads were contanimated with striker phosphorus. Such fast-acting oxidants are also known as "explosives." Hmm. These matches sound better by the minute.
• I suppose that these matches have an oxidant (potassium chlorate?) that's too volatile (insufficiently dilute?) oh goetter, you sweet talker you.
• *reapplies tape to glasses*
• I may have to spend my weekend with a box of these matches, my Anarchist's Cookbook, and equal parts gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate. But the first rule is, I'm not supposed to talk about it.
• In further developments, I'm suing Poland Springs because their water spilled on me while I was drinking and I got wet.
• Where can I get me some of these matches? They're purty!
• Orange juice concentrate?? Didn't you read the memo? It's pina colada mix! Get with the drill!!
• Com'on baby light my fiiiiiiiire! Don't kid yourselves, Martha made these by hand, from scratch, deliberately, so that she could use them to trade with in prison. One pack of Buttercup Yellow Incendiary Devices for for a cute set of b&w striped curtains. Two for a pack of ciggys with a fuscha sequined holder. Three packs BYIDs for a sharpened silver spoon, etc.
• Com'on baby light my fiiiiiiiire! Don't kid yourselves, Martha made these by hand, from scratch, deliberately, so that she could use them to trade with in prison. One pack of Buttercup Yellow Incendiary Devices for for a cute set of b&w striped curtains. Two for a pack of ciggys with a fuscha sequined holder. Three packs BYIDs for a sharpened silver spoon, etc.
• '..........................'
• There is no Pina Colada mix in Project Mayhem!
• They come in handy during a prison riot too.
• Monkeyfilter: These matches, they burn?
• what ever happened to non-safety matches? ah, the good old ohio blue tips... they say "strike anywhere" and they mean it! what tough guy movie or western would be complete, without a bad-ass anti-hero calmly lighting a match by snapping the tip against his antagonist? especially when he uses the guy's FACE as a scratch-surface! (when i tried it, it didn't work so well on my brother, though. i think he was too "squishy" or something for the friction... maybe you need stubble. plus the whole him punching me afterwards thing. you can light 'em off of a pair of blue jeans, a thumbnail, or by snapping two of them against each other though...)
• Real tough guys strike it against their own stubble.
• Strike anywhere matches are good for a stage scene which requires a candle to be lit, because they can be lit easily and thus are reliable.
• jb, i will remember that handy tidbit next time i find myself onstage. which is generally in a dream.
• jb, I've had that dream, too. Are you in your pyjamas or are you nekked? *blushes*
• No, I was an assistant stage manager once, so long ago it feels like it might have been a dream.
• (in a professional theatre, that is. And I think I was officially "Apprentice SM", since I was seventeen and not actually qualified to do more than follow instructions. I learned a lot, though.)