December 04, 2008

• I would ignore his friend request. Just think of the nightmares you'd start having if you said something and he took it the wrong way. You ignored him before to avert tragedy. I think you should do the same now, and for the same reasons. Acknowledging his existence by accepting his friend request sends the message that "I am willing to talk to you." You can only go downhill from there. Some day he may email you something like "Hey I'm really sorry about being such an ass when we were kids, I'm on meds now and I wanted to reach out and apologize." If that happens, give him a clean slate. Otherwise: AVOID. This is obviously dredging up a lot of two decades-old bad stuff for you. Take care of yourself, forgive yourself, and be well!
• Perhaps I'm not seeing it, but... how would re-establishing a relationship with this person benefit you in any way?
• I read this as being two options: 1. Continue to ignore friend request. 2. Accept friend request, then ignore. In my experience, it's better to anger someone by not doing something (#1), than by doing something (#2). Question, since I'm not on Facebook: can you just delete a friend request, or do you have to actively reject it?
• You have to ignore it, from what I know, but the other person isn't told you've ignored it.
• I concur with the just ignore crowd, the less you do the better. I hope your nightmares go away!
• Given this person's history with you, I tend to think the stress of hearing from him again would have caused the nightmares whether you accepted the request or not. I also tend to think they'll pass. Hey, I've only had one Sarah Palin nightmare since the election, and it was kind of funny. This is the main reason I don't Facebook, though - there are parts of my life I'm quite happy to leave behind.
• This is going to be a dumb question -- but would they know that they've got the right Simian XY, as opposed to another Simian XY? I would ignore them. There are perfectly valid reasons why we've left some people in our past. I don't see what there is to gain by allowing them back in your life*. *Most commonly, though, with these facebook-blasts-from-the-pasts, there's an initial flurry of exchange, which then dies down completely. Which is to be expected -- they're not a part of your life anymore. Also, if you do accept, know that you can drop them later, and they won't be informed. I've done that for a few -- they were updating their status every half an hour, and if I didn't care enough about them to find out what they've done in the seventeen (!) years since high school, I don't need to know when they're heading out to African Lion Safari with the kids.
• You have to ignore it, from what I know, but the other person isn't told you've ignored it. They can find out if they actively look, though. hbs got a friend invite from someone from college she wasn't close to but accepted anyway. All through the election, every single freaking update was pro-Republican talking points, hbs got sick of it, and unfriended. Though there was no notification, this person was obsessive enough to check, found out, and e-mailed her with WHAT DID I DO WRONG, DID I OFFEND YOU OR SOMETHING? So yeah, he sounds like precisely the type of guy who will know perfectly well you haven't friended him back, which is precisely the reason you don't want to so much as spit in this murky pond. Dagon lives in that pond, my friend. And to him, you're fish food.
• Ignore. Something like this is exactly the reason I hate social-networking sites.
• It's possible that they've changed, of course, but that's not the point -- the point is that you're uncomfortable about contact, and by that reason alone, leave them behind. Sometimes emotionally divorcing people is a perfectly healthy thing to do, I think.
• This is going to be a dumb question -- but would they know that they've got the right Simian XY, as opposed to another Simian XY? He (previously suicidal Simian XY1) knows that I'm the right Simian XY because he found me via a mutual friend (SimianXY2) that I'm already linked to on Facebook. SimianXY2 also put up with some serious crap from this person, so I was somewhat surprised that SimianXY2 had accepted SimianXY1 as a friend. To make matters even more interesting, the two individuals mentioned above plotted to jump me in the alley behind my home - this during Junior High School. They executed their plan one cold dark night. The showed up at my home - my mom said some of my friends wanted to see me - they told me to come outside. SimianXY2 threw his arms around me from back while SimianXY1 proceeded to punch me in the gut (though, it had to be one of the weakest punches I ever felt). SimianXY2, realizing how bizarre and out-of-control his behavior had become since being friends with SimianXY1, told SimianXY1 that he no longer wanted to be friend and cut him completely off (he even apologized profusely to me for the "punching incident"). SimianXY2 and I later become close friends, and were roommates during our freshman year of college (heck, we even had a kick ass band going there for a while). I was happy to find him on Facebook, and it was nice catching up. However, this was the unexpected twist that I never even considered. Thanks, everyone. I will simply ignore the request. There is nothing to be gained by having this person in my life. If their feelings are hurt that I didn't accept their friend request - then tough cookies. I hope he has since learned to deal with his life in a healthy and meaningful way. I'm confident that the dreams will stop in time. I'm just glad to hear some extra words of kind advice that support my original thinking. This place continues to rock, dwindling or not!
• In the alternative, you could kill him.
• But just because something has worked well for me in the past does not mean that it will also work for you.
• The one thing that hasn't already been covered, I think, is that this could be the better-late-than-never, tiny little toe in the water beginning of an attempt to fixup the past in the same way your other friend did long ago. Also, it's giving you nightmares. Which means that after 20 years you've still got some unresolved emotions. So they're unlikely to ever go away by themselves, just get reburied and patiently wait for the next opportunity. It may be that if you want to get rid of them, you'll need to confront him. And he just opened a door. The creepy profile picture, though, that sorta suggests everyone else is right.
• I've been thinking about this all day. I agree that it's the nightmares that are the real issue here. I have nightmares all the time about anxieties that are weighing on my daytime mind. It's like everything runs completely out of control at night. I treat the nightmares as acting out a ridiculous, worst-case scenario. It helps take out the sting if you frame them as being the work of your Inner Drama Queen.
• Take advice from your old GramMa--don't do it. Especially after that creepy story. I don't care how reformed this person is, they ain't THAT reformed.
• i would go one further, ignore them, and block them so they see no traces of you on facebook. you can disappear completely so they see no evidence that you have a FB account. sounds prudent to me. you don't want to do anything to set them off, and it sounds (wisely) like you would want to have absolutely nothing to do with them ever again. I've done the same with some people from my past who have resurfaced, when I'd much rather keep them confined to the annals of history. Kept my sanity intact by doing so.
• I vote ignore. They've already taken up enough space in your brain, don't give them any more. Also, past behavior suggests that they were trying to make you responsible for their happiness/unhappiness ("if you leave, I'm going to kill myself"). You don't want to get caught up in that again. Another possibility is that they have gone through some sort of 12-step program and are trying to act on the step where they apologize to people they've hurt in the past. The thing to keep in mind there is that it is THEIR 12-step program. You are in no way - morally, socially, ethically, whatever - obligated to help them out. They fucked up, they have to live with the consequences. You don't have to facilitate their healing. Your first responsibility, always, is to take care of YOURSELF. Because if you don't, no one else will.
• Monkeyfilter: ignore them, and block them so they see no traces of you on facebook.
• Ignore, of course! You don't have to accept requests from every single person that requests.you also don't have to accept requests from people you don't want to associate with. In fact, I don't understand why this is a question. Why do you think you have to accept the request? It is starting to seem silly, the more I think about it.
• Ignore, of course! You don't have to accept advice from every single person that advises. you also don't have to accept advice from people you don't want to associate with. In fact, I don't understand why this is a question. Why do you think you have to accept this advice? It is starting to seem silly, the more I think about it. Now that's some good advice! I'd advise you to accept this advice. Every person who posted this thread advised you with some advice. Why would you question this advice? Just be careful who you associate with on this Filter.* It's starting to seem like silly advice is good advice, the more I think of it. *I've heard some pretty juicy rumors about that Mr. Knickerbocker... Let the silly advice commence!!
• Ugh. This is the type of thing that made me kill my facebook account. On the upside, I don't have to check the stupid thing and deal with all the idiots and unpleasant ghosts of my past knocking on my door. On the downside, a lot of people I know are so dependant on facebook for communication that I'm out of the loop on events and some people have just dropped away completely. On the balance, I don't miss it. Anyways, ignore 'em.
• FB got blocked at work. Turns out that only getting to check it once a day has reduced a lot of the crap coming in. Go figure. On the whole, I don't mind FB all that much, once you get past all the applications bullshit.* The communications aspect is one thing, but it has great value in my being able to upload vacation pictures for everyone to see at their leisure, rather than me having to email them out bit by bit over and over again. *Though I do enjoy reducing the 'Bashi's city to a smoldering ruin populated by cultists and anarcho-syndicalists.
• John Simpson's zombie just bit you! Click here to bite them back! Martha Cromwell just gave you a mystery egg! Click here to give one of your friends' a mystery egg! Alice Reynolds planted a mushroom in your garden! Click here to plant a fucking mushroom in one of your friends' gardens! Ben Tucker just sold you an ounce of high grade cocaine! Click here to sell one of your friends' some cocaine! CLICK HERE CLICK HERE CLICK HERE Urgh. These days I just pretty much "ignore" facebook.
• I'm very good at skimming through those notifications now. And you can (or could) ask not to receive similar messages? Mostly though I think I have facebook friends who think like me and limit the number of times I get pointless notifications.

• Alice Reynolds planted a mushroom in your garden! Click here to plant a fucking mushroom in one of your friends' gardens! Ben Tucker just sold you an ounce of high grade cocaine! Click here to sell one of your friends' some cocaine!

  Wait, 'shrooms and blow? I am clearly Doing It Wrong on Facebook.
• I decided to take queso's advice and take the further step of blocking this person. Before doing so, I decided to take a glance at their profile - - and this basically cemented it in for me - - no info on it except for a quote, "I think I saw a puddy cat!", and a bunch of "ha ha ha ha"s in the info fields. No, thank you. Ignored, blocked, and moving on! I'm glad I posted this question, because I wouldn't have thought to block this person (to be honest, I didn't now that option was even there). So, something good did come from all of this. Besides, it's always nice to get some reassuring advice. Thanks to everyone for their input.
• You are welcome. And I know where you live.
• I didn't know about that option either. Now I can block all y'all. In the nicest possible way, of course.
• You might also want to take the option, if you haven't already, of making your profile completely private except for to your friends. This way, you control your private info more closely. Facebook's default setting lets everyone see everything, so you have to actively set it up to make it more private. Learned this the hard way on another social networking site, where someone whom I didn't want to know where I was found me online
• ALSO GIVE US THIS PERSONS PROFILE NAME SO WE CAN SPAM AND FLAME THEM FOR YOU.
• "Fuck. The dreams started again. Last night I had a couple dreams about this person. The dreams took place in present-time, and he had managed to track me down to my present residence; he was inside my home - - playing nice to everyone (but he was not aware that I was home). I was terrified, and I knew that he wasn't going to stop until he was able to meet me face-to-face. In the dream, I wasn't able to tell if he had bad intentions - - but his face was devious and "delusional". I was able to overhear some of what he was saying (I think that I was in another room, while others in my home played if I was not there), and he mentioned how I had blocked him on facebook. I find this all so strange. I'm starting to wonder what it's going to take for me to get past this. Even though he is not present in my conscious thoughts day-to-day, it's obvious that my mind has been troubled by this old memory. Anyone have any thoughts? Should I give it some more time and see if the dreams eventually subside - - or is it going to take something more? Thanks again."
• With the reminder of his existence, your brain is processing all the previously-dormant ideas and feelings you had. The same thing happened to me when I bumped into my ex's mother a couple of years ago - he was manipulative and emotionally (and when we broke up, physically) abusive and it took me a while to get past that. When I met his mother, who is a sweetheart, I had crazy, horrible dreams for about a week after in which he turned up at my house or grabbed me in a mall. I also had dreams in which I was better, stronger, happier than him. I don't put stock in dreams as anything more than unconscious processing, showing you what's really going on in your own head that you're avoiding while you're awake. Give it some time, and remind yourself that you've done the right thing for you and nothing else will change.
• FWIW, there is a character in my past (last seen maybe 9 years ago) who was deeply intertwined with my life and who manipulated me, mentally abused me, and who was around me for almost 15 years. This was a business relationship, not a personal one (unless you include personal hell). I still regularly have dreams that include this person, and I wish like fuck I would never have another. But they have not stopped in all this time, and I don't expect they ever will, the emotional scars are that deep. Sorry I don't have cheerier news.
• Monkeyfilter: a business relationship, not a personal one (unless you include personal hell).
• I used to have those exam-anxiety dreams, (Exam scheduled but i didn't attend any of the classes! Exam scheduled but don't know where the room is! Exam scheduled....good grief). So one morning after one such episode I thought that if I could remember in my dream that I don't write exams any more, the problem would go away. So I reran the dream several times in my mind and this time imagined and focussed hard on a different ending, a no more exams happy hurrah ending! Since then no more dreams like it.