October 24, 2008

• Oh, some of the comments are a bit potty-mouthed. Be aware.
• I notice she says "burned" instead of "burnt." She's American already?
• She's something already alright!
• No surprise; Fifi Trixibelle was always the Geldof girl of substance.
• Thanks, kit -- this was fucking hilarious! Some points off the top of my head (and I'm sure there will be more to come): 1. Williamsburg? Living with your husband Max, while he plays the guitar and you both wear plaid shirts? Christ -- could you be any more of a cliche? With such practiced casualism -- don't worry -- you'll fit right in with the rest of the poser hipsters. All the cool kids left a long, long time ago. 2. NYLON is not a "movement". Well, perhaps it's one of some kind, but not the one you're talking about. 3. Driving cross-country dragging a U-Haul is not altogether in Kerouac's spirit. Also, if you drive cross-country, you run out of palm trees fairly quickly, unless you're doing it wrong. 4. That Mexican lady who sold you her heirloom plaid shirt for a dollar -- she lied. And you were ripped off. She, and I, are laughing. 5. Max buying a "James Dean lunchbox" and using it as a "makeshift handbag"? Really? 'James Dean' and 'handbag' don't really go together. Trucker-cap irony is just as dead as authentic Williamsburg. And, altogether -- No. 6. A boy named Bunny? Younger brother of Sue? 7. One does not 'triapse' through Manhattan. Not for long, anyway. 8. Pizza from street vendors? You can get hot dogs, bigger hot dogs, coffee, donuts, muffins, croissants, ice cream and chestnuts, but there ain't no pizza from street vendors. You sure you're in New York? 9. Why the fuck are you going over the Brooklyn Bridge to get back to Williamsburg? You're actually going farther away from where you need to be. 10. YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE EAST RIVER YOU DUMB SHIT
• Williamsburg... heh heh. You're only a decade too late, girl. Being half your lifetime ago. How old was that guidebook? Does it still list Windows on the World?
• You can get hot dogs, bigger hot dogs, coffee, donuts, muffins, croissants, ice cream and chestnuts, but there ain't no pizza from street vendors. And falafel! Lots and lots of falaffely falafel. I'm drooling just thinking about it.
• You're welcome. To that try-hard cnut.
• Thanks again, kit. All those comments with their unabashed capacity for cruelty were highly amusing, particularly the appearances from the late Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence. Those lucky bastards, not having to read this drivel... Also: am I a bad person for not knowing who Cory Kennedy is? P.S. Peaches -- your sister is hotter. Smarter, idunno, but it wouldn't take much.
• And, yes -- falaffel. But no pizza.
• Pixie is apparently much nicer. There's a sentence I never thought I'd type.
• I have to admit, I've never seen pizza being sold on the street in NYC. Just about everything else though... from crêpes to chorizo tacos. Personally, half-cooked chicken kebabs are my favorite - - I like how they clear my system out. Now, what can rid me of this Peaches??
• At least with Pixie, it looks like someone's home. But, again -- not much of a contest.
• The comments continue to grow and fester. Like a bubo. My favourite: This is the worst thing to happen to New York since 9th November.
• Actually, they both look a little cokey. But Pixie looks less dusted, ironically. Aah, I likes some C-list celebrity bashing on a Friday morning, I does...
• Their Zaphod Beeblebrox-like shared extra head is so bored with their vacuous lives he's having a nap in that pic.
• GRACE JONES PUBES 10/24/2008 get back in my purse you talentless hack. "Grace Jones Pubes" is so the name of my next punk band. Also: seconded on 9th November.
• sarahrose 2:50 PM on Wed Oct 22 2008 i'd like to take issue with this concept of a sequined flannel shirt, but i'm too busy being appalled with the fact that she'd haggle someone down to a dollar for a family heirloom when she's filthy rich. seancasio 2:59 PM on Wed Oct 22 2008 btw, that sequined flannel shirt belonged to my gay grandfather. he's probably turning in his bedazzled grave right now. Heh. I should probably get back to work now, right?
• Why bother. I've done fuck all this afternoon. And I'm leaving in 5 mins.
• Peaches Geldof: 'My marriage won't last'. She said: "I'm realistic, you can't ignore divorce rates. Every friend of mine has parents who are divorced. I didn't go into it with Max thinking, 'This is going to last forever,' but I did go into it thinking, 'I love him right now and I know that I'll continue to love him for a long while.' He thinks the same." So that bit where you swore before God and the State of Nevada "'til death do us part" -- what was that? A lie, or something quaint and old-fashioned, like your husband's Amish-style hat? Kit, thank you for bringing this stupid, vacuous twit into our lives. Remind me that I owe you a beer.
• Remember, kids -- this is why you need to vote 'yes' on Proposition 8, to keep marriage sacred for teenage drug-addled derivative celebrities who are looking to formalize their eternal love for the time being.
• OK, OK -- one more: Gavin Juniper 10/24/2008 Bob Geldof tried to feed the world but his daughter merely makes you feel a bit sick.
• 6. A boy named Bunny? Younger brother of Sue? You're obviously not a fan of "The Wire," and so you can't be my friend anymore.
• Cory Kennedy, "The Wire" -- apparently, I'm missing out on a whole lot. YOU PEOPLE WITH AMERICAN CABLE NEED TO KEEP ME INFORMED YOU SLACKERS
• I wish my name was "Gavin Juniper."
• In more important news, my cat barfed on the living room floor today. Sources close to the cat say the barfing is in response to a new type of kibble he really doesn't like much.
• I wish my name was "Gavin Juniper." I wish my name was "Vorpal Spork Zamboni".
• Guardian readers get in on the gang-bang. More polite / less fun. So, judging by her picture, is Peaches the next stop on the Doherty-Winehouse Death Watch? (Mind you, that Death Watch is becoming a bit like Waiting for Godot. Hurry up, already, you're taking up precious gossip columns...)
• The comments have kept me thoroughly entertained during this dull work day. And they just keep getting better and better, as the world wide webs tune into this: Clarkuss 10/24/2008 Och aye tha noo, I love meself and I love gun_mouse, his arse is tight as a peach, Peaches' if you will. Donald where's yer troosers? Listen tae me band The Doon n Oots, och aye! I'm a wee talentless fucker. Chairman_LMAO 10/24/2008 Peaches Geldoff is a literary superstar alongside Oscar Wilde and Sylvia Plath. I am so highbrow I know writers like that don't you know. What is this Nylon Magazine though, is it a supplement with the Guardian? If not I shall not read it, as it is probably a false tool of the pretentious anti-establishment brigade, all fuelled by hair spray and ecstacy tablets rather than British history. I'm so far up my own arse I can't even see the sunlight. Alishia Dixon 10/24/2008 How did you feel when you logged onto the internet and found out the whole world hated you? This is just the Karma kicking you needed, you vile waste of skin. When god was dishing out brains you thought he said trains and asked for a slow one, when he was giving out looks you thought he said books and asked for a horror, and when he was dishing out gak you were at the front of the queue. I am not sure what is worse, this pile of shit or your cack attempts at being a television presenter. See you at the Jobcentre fuckface. I'm enjoying this far too much...
• I didn't know who this girl was (aside from her father) and I'm bored so I checked out the Wikipedia page of young Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof. I'm still trying to make sense of PHMCAVG's weird family tree through the complex Paula Yates/Hughie Green connection.
• That part of the family tree is weird enough, but then the Tiger Lily stuff starts up, with Hutchence and Paula running away, then having Tiger Lily, then Hutchence offing himself, then Paula offing herself, then Hutchence's family letting Geldof adopt, then Geldof trying to change the kid's name... If they weren't celebs, CAS would have been involved a long time ago.
• Most of the time, I think my daughter turned out pretty good. But in comparison to this, I think my daughter may be a cross between Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Jon Stewart. Only cuter.
• i don't like Mondays.
• Awwwwwwwww... Nylon went and deleted most of the comments. People are still adding fresh ones, onee which are now shitting on Nylon for censorship in addition to their hack writer. BOOOOOOO! HISSSSSSSSS!
• So all those comments aren't from the same person, I take it? I've never heard of her before and only barely remember what her dad did. And at first I was thinking she was your version of Paris Hilton. But americans actually like Paris in some sort of primitive, tribal way -- she embodies all our demons and as we watch her collapse and succumb our sins are exculpated; or some psychobabble like that. But you folks actively hate Peaches. In seemingly the same way we hate mothers who drown their own children. What on earth did she do ?
• No offense, Kevvin, but speak for yourself on the liking of Paris Hilton in any way, shape or form, tribal or no.
• She is a vacuous try-hard ligger with no real talents who trades on her father's good name. I think that's enough, don't you?
• what's a ligger?
• Someone who ligs, obv.
• Someone who leeches onto others, gets in free, ponces around on the scene without actually contributing to it, gegs in, blags guest lists etc. Basically quiddy.
• call me peaches, darling!
• It wouldn't be much of a scene without liggers then?
• Can we have an English to english dictionary, please?
• Ligger at Wiktionary. It even mentions Peaches!
• It does! But now I have a new problem: "The ligger caused a scene when he begged one reveller to find him some gear – and offered sexual favours in return." Gear?
• Someone never read Trainspotting...
• Since it's English, "begged" is probably something dirty too.
• No, I didn't read Trainspotting. My basic rule is, if it's popular, I want nothing to do with it. :P I do read a lot of books by British authors, though, but I don't recall running into ligger or gear.
• gear
• Gear, as every fule kno, is wot you wear to play footy.
• Peaches is liggerlicious.
• MonkeyFilter: Someone who leeches onto others, gets in free, ponces around on the scene without actually contributing to it, gegs in, blags guest lists etc.
• So... shall we shake her tree?
• ... or blow up the tv?
• Peaches may or may not be divorcing. So they totally are.
• Damn! Anmd I thought that would last. Still, if she's back on the market, she could be used as away of getting closer to he fragrant Pixie.
• If those two crazy kids can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?!?!
• Seconds away! Round Two! Ding Ding! She doesn't follow fashion, appar.
• Doesn't follow fashion, but casually namedrops her close personal friend Vivienne Westwood, and Karl Lagerfeld as some kind of music authority. She clearly belongs in Williamsburg -- she has the practiced casualism down just right. It takes a lot of work to get there -- good for her! Admittedly, I wrote shit like this for my student paper when I was in uni. Pretty easy formula. 'Person X mixed with Person Y, with a touch of Person Z', where X and Y are impossible to imagine together in any circumstances, and Z someone you'd never heard of, yet mentioned as though you're supposed to know who they are. I'm also glad to see that someone bought her a Thesaurus.
• Is that like a pet dinosaur or something? *applies black eyeshadow* *pops on sparkly headband*
• And the bit of "I wear Docs because they're comfortable, not because they're hip" -- hilarious. And then going on in the next para about how 'grunge is back'. 'Doesn't follow fashion...' No, no, of course you don't, honey. You just go to shows and hang out with designers and write for a fashion magazine.
• Holee shit -- the comments are nearly making me piss my pants here in the office. Even better than the first time!
• It's also interesting how there are a couple of Peaches-fans defending her at the start, but aren't joined by anyone else -- I'm wondering if they're plants... For that matter, it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't write this column at all -- it's so unlike the first. Much more studied. Still utter crap, though.
• Yes, the one about wanking into a milk bottle is particularly good. Rofle.
• *looks around for pasta sauce jar*
• Aah, here we are... ******11/26/2008 I once wanked into a milk bottle then sold it to a five year old girl who was suffering from cancer. The question is, am I more repellant than Peaches Geldof? I'd like to think not. I'm crying. I'm seriously fucking crying here.
• I didn't know about her sticky fingers, though. Much less that it's not the first time.
• Times like these, I hate sharing an office. How am I supposed to stay silent while reading "I have to admit this isn't as much of a stinking piece of festering arse tissue as the last one."
• Still my fav: Hannah11/26/2008 Wow! I didn't realise you could use the word 'c[*]nt' on here!! And there I was searching for a fitting description of her when all I really wanted to do was call her a c[*]nt!!
• RipeQuince11/26/2008 Don't worry Peaches I know what it's like to have people be jealous of you for being well educated in the art of Indie. I suggest you ignore all the haters and carry on regardless. Lee Wykes too the same advice and look at him now. Sure he gets the occasional "You’re a paedophile claim" but that peado still looks awfully tasty when he's ploughing away above you, I should know.
• (Still don't know if 'numpty' is a term of endearment or not...)
• My personal fave thus far: Peaches, I adore your writing. Me and my "mates" at the Blue Oyster often get together and discuss how crazy and out-there you are. Then we get bored and just go and suck cock. Strangely, this sums up your existence as well. It sucks cock.
• I'm with Capt, more Peaches!! If she can generate this much comedic fervor - - then bloody hell, she's good for something! *looks forward to next month's column*
• Ratty11/27/2008 All these negative posts are by people (if thats what they call themselves) from here http://www.network54.com/Forum/391269/ They have a personal vendetta against the lovely peaches. Shame on them all. Personally, I've no vendetta against her -- I just think she's a dumbass and a waste of space, and am willing to mock her accordingly.
• Guardian readers get in on the gang-bang. Again. I'd feel sorry for the girl, but she's just so oblivious, I doubt it registers with her anyway.
• Peaches Geldof's New Collection for PPQ to Include Lace, Velvet, and Gothic Capes. More Vivienne Westwood name-dropping (both literal and metaphorical). The socialite says the designs are heavy in lace and include capes (!!) inspired by the novel Dracula, which she recently read. 'Novelization', shurely. And if there's anyone you associate with the grunge look, it's Dracula.
• When did we make the children of marginal celebrities into celebrities in their own right? More importantly..why?
• Well, open graves can get pretty grungy.
• Peaches is the new milk bottle.
• I didnt know until today that his other daughters name is Pixie. what was he thinking? peaches & pixie are pretty much doomed to a life of slutty vacuous excess & stupidity, in the public eye!
• because of their names I mean...
• Moon Unit and Dweezil did ok for themselves.
• moon unit & dweezil = weirdos pixie & peaches = depraved slutbags of the lowest order
• I read an excellent novel by Moon Unit a few years back. Wonder why she never put out another one...
• Not content to suck in just one magazine, Peaches Geldof launches Disappear Here magazine. Which was followed immediately by: Peaches Geldof magazine launch snubbed by stars.
• Unless the cover features a close-up of La Peaches' arsehole, it has been seriously mis-named.
• Monkeyfilter: we make the children of marginal celebrities into celebrities in their own right. Monkeyfilter: features a close-up of La Peaches' arsehole.
• Oh, why has this thread become so delightfully entertaining!?
• MonkeyFilter: doomed to a life of slutty vacuous excess & stupidity