October 23, 2008

Anonymous, George: Daddy's Girl. Five years ago, my sister married. Both she and her husband have strong personalities, although his is more overt, and hers subtle. A year and a half ago, they had a baby girl. They both love the baby girl. Baby girl is growing up, and knows how to work it, especially on her daddy. Things are complicated by the fact that in their household, it seems that daddy always gets to be the good cop, and mommy has to be the bad cop.

Now, my sister says that she knows she's "not number one", meaning that her husband puts the kid before her, and/or loves her more. I can only assume these are my sister's real feelings on the matter and that they're justified by her experience, though I don't know specifics. Is it common for a new daddy to love his baby girl more than his wife? How does it tend to play out in terms of family dynamics?

posted by Simian XY 15 years ago
  • In my experience, the love you have for a child is entirely different from the love of a spouse or SO. It's difficult and dangerous to compare the two and try to decide which is stronger. My advice to your sister is to not even go there. There may be a real problem in the relationship that is coincident but unrelated to the arrival of the child. If so, that should be addressed, but try to avoid associating it with the little one.
  • Perhaps, mirroring the personalities of the parents, the baby's love of dad is 'overt" and of mom, "subtle"? So your sister is getting confused when she sees the baby->dad relationship looking exactly like the dad->mom one; while missing how the baby->mom relationship is just like mom->dad ?
  • In my experience, the love you have for a child is entirely different from the love of a spouse or SO. For fuck's sake rocket, let me get one goddam pedophile joke in first.
  • Just change it to a bestiality joke and post it in the cat thread.
  • Parents should not play good cop/bad cop. Rule number one of parenting is that Mum and Dad back each other up. Parents are never over-ruled by another parent. If there's a disagreement, it's negotiated behind the scenes. Otherwise, your children may be able to play you off against each other, and maybe get new bikes or something, but they won't really be happy.
  • I grew up with bipolar cop and I Will Not Share Emotions cop, so I am of no help.
  • I was raised by a group of wild militiamen, and ran with their pride and feasted upon the flesh of ne'er-do-wells until I was caught and fostered by Starsky and Hutch.
  • Ahhh...the old Blonde cop/Jew cop routine. That explains so much.
  • On topic for these questions, please.
  • Seconding Pleggy and rocket.
  • I'm thirding rocket and Plegmund.
  • I don't have children, but I have been one...I think that relationships with each parent probably change/evolve over the various developmental stages of the child. good cop now could easily become bad cop later!
  • I agree with most of what's been said. Also, the arrival of a child causes a fundamental change in a couple's relationship; a parent's focus shifts toward the interloper and, to some extent, away from the partner. Mrs roryk and I bemoan the fact that we have a lot less time for each other, but it's simply the way it's going to be for a while. Children go from absolute dependence to, ideally, full independence over a couple of decades; during the first few years they're very needy. Out of interest, is your sister spending more time with baby than your brother-in-law spends with baby?
  • I was wondering that, myself. It's not unusual for children to be more affectionate with the parent who's not the primary caregiver.
  • There are different types of love. One cannot compare the love that is felt for a spouse/partner to that which is felt for a child. I think the more important issue at hand here is the "good cop vs. bad cop". Seems like Dad might need to take on more responsibility in the discipline department. If he's not around as much as Mom, and tends to take a passive approach to discipline, then the PARENTAL UNIT is not going to function effectively... which could lead to these feelings of one spouse feeling not so important anymore, etc... Also, this will reflect on the child's overall confidence in the long run. Mom & Dad need to be on the same page = #1 I think if that is resolved, the feelings that "he loves her more than me" will probably work themselves out. But, that's just my silly honest opinion. I have two little ones at home. I have to bite my tongue sometimes when Mom is throwing the hammer down - - and back her up. *goes to the time-out corner and sniffles*
  • Can you be more specific, SimianXY? To a certain extent, the kid has to come first for awhile, just as a practical matter. They require an enormous amount of maintenance. But if the dynamic is such that your sister's really unhappy about it, that to me says either her husband's shutting her out more than necessary or she has unrealistic expectations. And what SMT said about the good cop/bad cop. That's just asking for all kinds of trouble, and would absolutely make me feel like crap if I was in her place. It sucks to see your kid preferring someone else over you, even if it's your spouse.