April 23, 2008

• I really endorse this concept. Singapore is an extreme example, where parents scout out pre-schools for their six-month old babies, with connections to prestigious primary, secondary and tertiary schools in mind. Sixteen hours of every day, including weekends, are scheduled months in advance, filled with tuition (even when children are bringing back 80s and 90s in test scores; perfection is de rigeur), sports activities (not for fun, but to fill up their kids' CVs for university applications and scholarships), drama and music lessons, third and fourth languages (kids already have to learn English and their own mother tongue in school) and so forth. Children here are also extremely coddled. We have one of the highest rates of live-in maid employment, even after hefty levies set by the government to discourage this trend. Many university going young adults (in their late teens and early twenties) are incapable of cleaning their own rooms, and their parents duly drag the maids to the dorms on weekends to do it for them. I find it sad, and slightly alarming. Although sometimes I wonder if I'm just growing older and contracting that "Kids today...!" mentality.
• Note: as a non-parent, I am not qualified to speak on this subject. I agree! I have a cousin who's just turned 17. I've watched his over-scheduled life, which started when he was 4, with playgroups and pre-kindergarten and tumbling classes. His schedule has been relentless ever since, and I understand this is the norm these days. I think unscheduled screwing-around time is important. (But then again, I would, wouldn't I?!)
• As a former parent and grandparent, I heartily endorse this notion. Kids shouldgive parents back their stress-free playtime!
• My parents' philosophy of child-rearing was pretty close to this when I was little. When I was young, it was "go outside and play," and I had a fairly free reign of the neighborhood (though I had to let my mom know exactly where I was, and with whom). I did have church activities, and choir, and piano when I dropped out of choir, but still lots of time to roam. When I got into my teens, the philosophy changed to "keep kids poor and busy." My parents let me pick my own activities (marching band, concert band, academic decathlon, quiz bowl, and clubs, clubs, clubs (you sense the geek pattern here :D), but encouraged me to be into a lot of stuff, and never gave me enough money to get into trouble. I wasn't even allowed an after-school job because they believed my "job" was school, and they didn't want me liquid enough financially to buy drugs or alcohol. I was over-scheduled in high school and college, but I chose the schedule myself -- my parents always told me I could scale back if I wanted to.
• Parent of 20- and 17-year-old sons here. I think there is something to this. My oldest was stressed almost to the breaking point two or three times during high school due to conflicting commitments between school work and extracirriculars. He earned the scholarship, went away to college and it finally caught up with him. Without mom and dad to clean things up when he was overcommitted, he didn't do so well away at college. He's now home, going to community college on and off, working on and off, hopefully soon to "find himself" and start moving forward in earnest again. As a parent, part of me wants to kick him in the butt and say, "Come on! Let's move it!" and the other part wants me to let him find his own way out of his doldrums. But in the meantime, I guess he is just getting some makeup unscheduled screwing-around time.
• Reading meredithea's comments, it sounds pretty close to what we did with our sons. I think it would have been better for our oldest especially to have a little more free time. The younger one, we're not pressuring so much to keep busy, but he's got plenty of stuff on his plate anyway.
• I think there can be a dark side to this philosphy as well - all my parents ever expoected of me was that I not kill myself, make too big a mess, or fail a grade in school. I've got to say, I grew up feeling like they thought I wasn't capable of achieving all the cool things I saw the other kids doing, or that they just couldn't be bothered to give me any encouragement to do anything constructive because they didn't care. As an adult, I'm reasonably sure that that's not how my mother really felt (lost touch with the father, so I can't really speak for him). But, the damage to self-esteem was done. I think if you're going to do the whole "raise yourself, kid" thing, you've got to take into account whether it's what the individual kid really needs or wants.
• Doohickie, I took a year off school between college and grad school, moved back home, and quit an impressive string of crappy jobs. I didn't hold down anything for over a couple of months. I wasn't used to having a crappy job, because I'd never had one, and wouldn't put up with being treated badly. My parents and I were both pretty worried that I'd end up at home indefinitely, but once I found out what I wanted, I went for it and stuck to it. (Of course, if I'm ever in a situation where I can't work as an academic I might be SOL, but as my mom says "we'll burn that bridge when we come to it" ;) )
• OTOH TUM, it seems like you turned out to be a bright and talented individual. Method to their madness? As a parent of a preschooler and kindergartner(sp?) I am shocked by how much stuff kids at that age are doing. Dance, after school science classes, tuesday night chess lessons, piano, violin, soccer, girl scouts etc. I had a pretty laid back childhood, I played outdoors a lot (lived on a farm for while- ultra-cool when you're four) and read lots of books. I was exposed to good music and although there was pressure to do well in school, that was it. I enjoyed my childhood and I don't feel I missed a damn thing. I don't think my schoolwork suffered either. With our kids we focus more on turning them into considerate human beings than hyperactive overachievers. Despite the fact that my wife and I are professional musicians, we're not pushing that either. I fell in love with music because I was blown away by an orchestral concert I saw when I was six- not because my parents were breathing down my neck. I think a little pushing is OK and maybe even necessary but the pressure I see other four and five year olds subjected to just blows my mind- I wonder just how happy these kids will be later. In our county (affluent, though we're not particularly so) the parents have pressured the schools to push english and math virtually to the exclusion of other subjects. Our five year old gets six pages of homework a week (!) in kindergarten- WTF? A social worker friend of mine says it's insane- parents are laboring under the delusion that pushing kids to learn early makes them more "competitive". She says the reality is that kids brains develop at their own rate and that young children of five struggle to learn things they could learn overnight when they are six. It pressures the kids negatively at too young an age when they should be enjoying the last carefree and joyous years they will ever experience, all to satisfy their parents' anxiety about getting their children into the "right" schools. I thinks that's bullshit and I fear they will pay a price.
• Yeah, as a soon-to-be father, I cringe when I hear some of my work colleagues talk about what their kids are doing or what they are expected to be doing. I spent a lot of time helping my parents out around the house (really, my dad should have taken up concreting as another one of his trades) when I was a kid but we were also given large blocks of time to go rambling, play pick up sports around the place and what not. I really dread that I will somehow get sucked into to this world of over-regulated, paranoiac parenthood.
• It's amazing how many activities are available for kids -- it blows my mind when I hear about ballet, soccer, drama, swimming, gymnastics, even cross-country training in one case, and most kids my son's age (five) are doing at least two extracurricular activity. I am thinking about what kid #1 will do now that he's at school, and I only want him to do ONE thing, and it's surprisingly hard to choose. I think I, and probably most parents these days, are overinformed about developing all the various aspects of our children's personality. For example, I could sign him up for soccer, where he'll learn fair play and being part of a team, as well as meeting more kids (like he doesn't know enough already). Or I could encourage his budding interest in the guitar and get him lessons. Or I could sign him up for gymnastics because he loves tumbling and balancing. Or he could take up karate with some friends who are doing it already. Or...well. I used to roam for miles on my bike and my parents had maybe a rough idea of where I was. And look how normal turned out I.
• I only want my kids to be hugely successful in one field of endeavour. Ideally rugby, but I'm prepared to consider other sports. I may have to devise a sliding scale of love withholding - e.g. a sport I really like is at 0% love withholding, a sport I'm indifferent to is at 50%, and a sport I hate is at 100%. To be honest, I think younger kids benefit from having a good range of activities, just so long as none of them are taken too seriously. It's maybe time to specialize in the early teens.
• Or I could encourage his budding interest in the guitar For the love of God-noooooooooo! Don't you realize that he might turn out to be A MUSICIAN?!! A mind is a terrible thing to waste...
• OTOH TUM, it seems like you turned out to be a bright and talented individual. Method to their madness? Perhaps, but even if that's as may be, still a chronic slacker with self-image issues. I guess my point is the same as it usually is: although it's tough to do so, it's essential to strike a balance and find the middle ground that's right for your situation. The authors of these articles frequently make it sound as though that's not an option.