February 21, 2008

• Dog toys and bicyle tires.
• Very slow velcro.
• Denture liner
• Perpetual pencil erasers.
• the "ooo, got yer nose" game maybe?
• Childhood-trauma-proof balloons.
• Magician's aid.
• Condom advertizing gimmick.
• Trampoline advertizing gimmick.
• Very expensive Ziploc bags.
• Toilet gaskets for earthquake zones.
• Thermos seals.
• World's largest ball of indestructible Silly Putty.
• Rubber Post-It notes.
• Unmagnetic magnets.
• Slapping a guppy.
• Unsinkable ocean liners.
• Pool liners.
• Explodeable Stretch Armstrong.
• Cartilage replacement.
• Ultra-stick non-slip rug mats.
• Shark-proof lifevests.
• Cosmetic lip surgery for Piranhas.
• Blood-pressure taker-thingers.
• Capt. FT (brute force) W
• Emergency tourniquets.
• Bandaids for the San Andreas Fault.
• Interminable S&M parties.
• Replaceable Hymens.
• I'm still experimenting with whole-life applications of piss and vinegar.
• Prison for Magneto.
• Goat Ejection Seats.
• Self-repairing bungee cords.
• Hair extensions.
• Schemes to foil your track and field opponents.
• Condoms for Cacti.
• SuperLego.
• Endless thread.
• SuperToupees.
• Mormon Underwear.
• Wonka gum.
• Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
• Customizable rubber bands.
• Customizable condoms, dental dams.
• SuperSaranWrap.
• Bouncy Castle for a very sharp land.
• Cheaper versions of those suitcase wrapper-things.
• Crash test smarties.
• Super-cowl for Batman.
• Artificial cocoons.
• Unladderable stockings.
• Fixing a tear in the space-time continuum.
• Resealing pill-trays.
• Gigantic Sea Monkeys.
• Hogshead for real fire.
• Spiderman's nets for every cop.
• Cat Diaphragms.
• Self-repairing umbrellas.
• Expandible umbrellas.
• Non-conducting umbrellas.
• Permanent Wellys.
• Bags of Holding.
• Alternative to Velcro.
• Sails.
• Self-repairing inner tubes.
• (Second one in, Hank.)
• (The velcro.)
• Virginal Fleshlight.
• Trapper Keepers.
• bah!
• (OK, I really should get back to work...)
• (OK, I really should go back to bed...)
• Trampolines for ladies in high heels.
• /me applauds
• Bedsheets for porcupine infirmaries.
• Sheaths for hunting knives.
• Pincushions
• Breakaway trousers for the incontinent.
• Jackets for Dick Cheney's hunting partners.
• Emergency roof repair.
• Concert wristbands.
• Non-scratch windshields.
• Self-lacing ball-gags.
• Road striping.
• Self-sealing cans.
• Ultra-grip brakes.
• Alternative to pitch, pine-tar.
• Inter-office courier envelopes.
• Most menacing Ikea ballroom ever.
• Those severe-tire-damage things, only without severe-tire-damage.
• Police roadblocks.
• Shorter runaway truck lanes, airstrips.
• Self-adhering cargo containers.
• Glass-installers' suction cups.
• Self-repairing Astroturf.
• Super-tuff shopping bags.
• Reuseable gun targets.
• Self-repairing dome stadiums.
• Self-repairing levees.
• More durable sheeting for fluorescent light boxes.
• Super-stick coasters.
• Better pen caps.
• Night deposit bags.
• OK -- someone else's turn now...
• more humane ball-gags.
• Non-disintegrating breast implants.
• Self-adhering hammocks.
• Slowing down...
• More compact tarps.
• Indestructible carbolic smoke balls, bongs.
• Double dildos.
• Super skipping-rope.
• Customizable rubber sheets for water sports.
• Next-generation Kung-Fu Grip.
• High-traction stairs.
• Court shoes. Deck shoes.
• One-size-fits-all belts.
• Renault restraints.
• Bras without infuriating metal clasps.
• Alternative lamination material.
• super cling grip y-fronts
• Renault restraints. I'LL TAKE TWO!!! Bridgestone/Firestone tires!! Ah, the memories. They just don't heal.
• Crash test dummies.
• Favorites system for MonkeyFilter.
• One-size-fits-all girdle.
• One-size-fits-all belt.
• Everlasting shoe soles.
• The ultimate parachute.
• The unkindest cut of all, healed.
• Also, this just says to Lorena Bobbit: You go, girl.
• All this thread needs is a TUM perpetrated, olde tyme-style label: Pee+Vegetable Oil: together at last!, and it will be perfect. Might implode onto a black hole and take the whole of monkeys with it into oblivion. And: smart, reusable condoms.
• MonkeyFilter: Pee+Vegetable Oil nuff said.
• Tiny bouncy balls which can transform into one large bouncy ball.
• Adobe substitute.
• Fish shaped Bag Of Holding.
• Fish shaped adjustable baloons.
• One-size-fits-all parachutes, shaped like fish.
• *iz ded*
• Physicians
• You sick fucks!
• Rubber fish, shaped like fish.
• Peace accords?
• ah, perfect!
• 
• TUM--HUBBA-HUBBA! RUBBA-BUBBA!
• It's famous trick-cyclist Eileen Dover on the penny farthing!
• i super <3 TUM.
• OK, Abiezer, it took me three hours to get that joke!
• Monkeyfilter: made of pee-troleum rubber *loves TUM, too*
• Sorry, TUM. I'll fire my writers forthwith. They're not keeping up with the quality visuals.
• *puts hit out on Abiezer for failing to entertain TUM at an acceptable level of temporeneity*
• Your goons will never get past my self-healing rubber shield, rory. They'll be right pissed off, oil warrant. Gah, these new writers aren't much better either.
• *sends some bouncers to weigh in on Abiezer's new shield*
• *is ultimately rubbed out for consistent poor quality of puns*
• I love how this thread has 10x more comments than any other, lately (I'm 155! I think.) -- BUT they're all one-liners. I guess I would use it for tires that never pop, but I'M NOT FUNNY.
• Hey, hey, hey, hey guys, I got one! Galoshes for people with long toenails!
• Another sea for Moses to part.
• I keep thinking this thread has finally gone flat, but the damn thing keeps bouncing back.
• I surely will never tire reading it.