December 20, 2007

• I am an Afro-American woman. I am in my youthful 50s. My hair is strong and a little past the shoulders. I wear it pressed (hot combed or flat iron). It is also a salt-and-pepper color; I get great compliments on it. The problem I have is static. Could you give me some tips on what to use to stop this? Rub a dryer sheet on your head. Totally works. Plus your hair smells faintly of fabric softener. Why don't we drop medical waste and nuclear waste into active volcanoes, the "ultimate high-temperature incinerators"? Probably because it's not feasible economically. Plus heating up radioactive waste doesn't make radiation magically disappear, as far as I know. Hello. I am an editor and writer and I would like for everyone to change some letters that are now in lowercase to uppercase. An example would be the 18th century to the 18th Century. Where does one go about starting to do this? Stop being a douche. Why does having a foreign accent make a person seem more attractive? You want to have sex with foreigners. Is there such a thing as "crazy eyes," where the whites go all the way around the corneas and makes the person look psycho, such as those of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks and wife-dismemberer Stephen Grant? Quit looking at me.
• • Could you play sports in space, if you had a spacesuit? Let's try this: I'll throw a ball, and if you can't catch it, you have to go get it. • In Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Identity, he says that Jason Bourne can pack with great economy of space, allowing him to pack much more in a small bag than it would seem. How would one do this, and is it even a real thing? Robert Ludlum also writes Doctor Who fanfic, and thus is an expert on the TARDIS. It's always bigger on the inside.
• Could you play sports in space, if you had a spacesuit? I can't play sports here, asshole. I've been looking for information on how the word "dick" became an insult, especially since people still go by the name Dick. Why would anyone choose that name, when it has other meanings?!?! Let's ask Mr. Johnson. What would happen to the rest of the planets and the sun if Jupiter were to explode, or somehow leave our galaxy altogether? The other planets would dance and have a party. The sun would cry until she could cry no more. Why do men almost never win on ABC's Wheel of Fortune? Vanna has breasts.
• Who is Daniel Engbert? I'm sure that I'm spelling his name wrong, but he's one of a few guys that you regularly go to as a reliable source—and I want to know who he is and why he's qualified. Daniel Engbert is the tiny man who lives inside my camera and draws the pictures. His years of silent observation of the world around him have rendered him uniquely qualified to comment on the state of world affairs in general. I have been looking for an old movie from about the late '60s. I was born in 1960 and watched it as a little kid. It was a Santa movie and it had the Devil in it. It was like the Devil was trying to stop Christmas. I remember the Devil was wearing red PJs. Santa has a magic powder that would make people sleep. It was a cute movie. Please help. That would be the 1959 Mexican film Santa Claus, starring Jose Elias Moreno as Santa and José Luis Aguirre as Pitch (Precio). It should be noted that Pitch was, in fact, A devil, and not necessarily THE Devil. The film was featured in episode 521 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, originally aired 6/25/1999. "NOOO, LUPITA!" Could you play sports in space, if you had a spacesuit? Yes, although probably not the particular sport you had in mind.
• This may be a dumb question. Most people spell their names as first name, middle initial, and last name. But some people spell their name as initial, given name, and then last name. Is the initial before the given name their first name, and they go by their middle name? Or is the initial before the given name their middle initial? If it is their middle initial, why would you put it before your first name, because then it is not in the middle anymore? It seems like conservatives or Republicans are more likely to list their name starting with an initial. You’re right. It is a dumb question. When a man lies to his lawyer to obtain a divorce from a wife of 47 years when she is ill and does not even know and cannot defend herself, is this legal, or perjury? First, the lawyer isn’t granting the divorce. Second, lawyers take it as a given that their clients are lying to them, because they’re smarter than you. What do the SWAT teams do to keep their fitness? Like, do they run for half an hour, or do five pressups? Polish their weapons. Is it "open sees me" or "open says me"? Neither. It’s “open says-a me”. Like an eye-talian.
• Why does having a foreign accent make a person seem more attractive? I think it's part and parcel of the whole bel inconnu phenomenon in general. Which I always assumed was some kind of reproductive imperrative, making us want to mate with people far outside our own gene pools.
• I just got a new client named "Harry Johnson." I am not kidding.
• Can a baby get drunk off of nonalcoholic beer? Yes, Britney.
• • Very rare to find a hotel room with a light on the ceiling, they're usually floor lamps or desk lamps. Is there some structural reason for that? Yes. The bulbs are easier to change. • Why do male ice skaters have routines that are so feminine in execution? After all these years, there should be some kind of movements on ice that would be more masculine-looking. The gymnastics shows have them. Because all male figure skaters are in fact women with fake beards. Whereas those brute, manly gymnasts are real men. • Why are some cats softer to the touch than others? Is it possible I have the softest cat in the world? Anything's possible. Mail him in and we'll check it out.
• Why don't they build into cars a secret button for police to use, and when these people are trying to get away from police down the freeway and city streets at 100 mph, the following police car could push the button, making the engine on the speeding car stop? Surely there must be some smart person who could make this. There is, but we can't catch him.
• Is it possible I have the softest cat in the world? No, it is not possible. The softest cat in the world lives just down the street from me.
• Mitt Romney is running for president. His father, George Romney, a former governor of Michigan, ran for president in 1968. Is "Mitt" named for the mitten-shape of Michigan? Yes. His father admitted in a 1971 interview that had he been governor of Florida, then Mitt would have been named 'Dick'. I've always wanted to know why bald heads shine!!! In the Bald Community, having a dull head is amongst the worst sins that a bald person could commit. Therefore, in order to avoid ostracism from their own kind, most bald people rub their heads repeatedly with Pledge Wipes.
• Do you have any idea why sporting the moustache was so much more common in the military than in any other job in 19th-century Western countries, and to some extent present-day Western countries? No. Can dogs be mentally retarded? There are no mentally retarded dogs, just mentally retarded owners. What infections do viruses and microorganisms suffer from? My guess is none. They only suffer from random mutations and suffering caused (mostly by humans) by chemicals. Aquinas argued that ‘higher level’ animals have a ‘sensitive soul’, being a soul which perceives and responds to its environment. Assuming for a moment that a virus or microorganism is such a ‘higher level’ animal, responding and sensing its environment – an assumption which Aquinas did not make, but perhaps because of the limits on scientific knowledge in place during his time. However, absent any evidence of consciousness or a capacity for abstract thought, viruses cannot be said to ‘suffer’, in that they cannot form an idea of suffering independent of the pain-stimulus. The question to consider, then, is if their inability to ‘suffer’ precludes eternal damnation for their malevolent acts, and similarly, whether such inability precludes ultimate salvation.
• Monkeyfilter: some kind of reproductive imperrative, making us want to mate with people far outside our own gene pools
• Speak for yourself, Cap'n! :)
• Why don't they build into cars a secret button for police to use, and when these people are trying to get away from police down the freeway and city streets at 100 mph, the following police car could push the button, making the engine on the speeding car stop? Coming to your freeway in a few years. Very rare to find a hotel room with a light on the ceiling, they're usually floor lamps or desk lamps. Is there some structural reason for that? Yes, a lightbulb's glare on the ceiling would interfere with the camera hidden in the smoke detector.
• • Why does having a foreign accent make a person seem more attractive? Ah, damn, I so much would like to know that...
• Eet eez a meesterrrrree, mon cheri!
• • When a fly lands on a ceiling, does it execute a barrel roll or an inside loop? Best Question Ever!
• Inside loop, actually.
• But a forced inside loop. They fly close to the ceiling, grab on with their front legs, and their momentum swings their bodies upside-down and up.
• Hello. I am an editor and writer and I would like for everyone to change some letters that are now in lowercase to uppercase. An example would be the 18th century to the 18th Century. Where does one go about starting to do this? First of all, said editor should obtain a comprehensive education in the language s/he works in; and then the question disappears up its own arse.
• What species of fly?
• And are we talking about the Northern or Southern Hemisphere?
• *pulls down fly, executes a barrel roll*
• What species of fly? Again -- arts grad. I can't possibly be expected to know "details" or "facts".