September 13, 2007

• My brain is still writhing from the Studley story; now this. I could ruminate on the exploitation of young women, but I'm just too tired. NEED. COFFEE. *does face-plant into keyboard, softened by judicious placement of tennis ball on nose*
• The testimonials page is too good to be true. "At first we were worried that Janine was too young to get married, but then her new husband bought her a house and a car and jewelry and the money we got let us buy a house for ourselves. Getting out of the trailer park at our age was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it’s all thanks to Marry Our Daughter!"
• *sigh*
• This is obviously bullshit, but just in case, can someone lend me $6,000 for this feisty filly: We’re a Christian family and Cheyenne has had trouble with unchristian desires although at heart we know she's a good Christian girl. She needs a husband with STRONG Christian values who will provide her a STRONG Christian home and help her to live a godly life. Because I think she's about ready to go completely off the rails.
• we have made sure she is aware of everything she needs to know to be a good wife and mother. EVERYTHING? At 14 1/2? Makayla was named after her grandmother Two generations ago, nobody was named "Makayla." Cheyenne has had trouble with unchristian desires... needs a husband with STRONG Christian values who will provide her a STRONG Christian home and help her to live a godly life. Translation: "We'd like you to smack the lesbian out of her." Our own Little Mermaid Katie Lynn...isn’t happy unless she’s getting wet! 'Nuff said. Marissa likes to put on airs and thinks she’s better than all of us here I love you too, Daddy. She knows God put her on Earth to serve her husband like it says in the Bible and we’ve made sure she knows exactly how to do that. And I do mean exactly! Mee-ow! A skilled gymnast herself she is lithe and limber enough to back-flip with the best of them. Get it? Get it? Huh? Huh?
• *maxes credit card* *unzips*
• Translation: "We'd like you to smack the lesbian out of her." Could also be a sort of reverse-psychology "Like dirty fuckin'? Well, have I got the girl for you! Marry her, that way Jesus won't hate her and you get the dirty whore you always dreamed of...AND JESUS WON'T HATE YOU EITHER!!!"
• He will when he sees what I've got planned.
• Won't Bill Gates or Warren Buffett finance blowjobs for these people?! Seriously. A lot of this could be cleared right up with the judicious application of some @#%! fellatio. Jimminy hoppin Craig!
• Sounds like she's ripe to me.
• ...we have made sure she is aware of everything she needs to know to be a good wife and mother... ...the boys her own age are [not] interesting to her because they “are still little kids” and she is looking for an adult to start a life with... Kristin has a wild streak. Cheyenne has had trouble with unchristian desires... Our own Little Mermaid Katie Lynn swims like a fish and isn’t happy unless she’s getting wet! She’s looking for a smart, sophisticated man who knows “art” and “culture” and “style” and who can understand her better than we can. She knows God put her on Earth to serve her husband like it says in the Bible and we’ve made sure she knows exactly how to do that... ...but most of all wants a man who can take care of her... She got an A in Home Ec. and has read up on what else would be expected of her as a wife and is looking forward to it. ...ready to commit herself to her husband’s happiness and satisfaction. She’s looking to be treated like the young lady she really is... She’s ready to stand by her man and support him in every way possible. ...is looking for a kind and caring man to look after her needs while she looks after his. A skilled gymnast herself she is lithe and limber enough to back-flip with the best of them. Anal? A missionary at heart... Pass.
• Anal? For those prices, I'd hope so.
• I think I'd go for Gabriella. At age seventeen, and twenty grand, she's entry level.
• I've been following this for a while. It's a prank, or "parody aimed at drawing attention to inconsistencies in state marriage laws".
• I figured as much, but it was too entertaining not to share.
• Speaking of state marriage laws, thanks to a proofing error -- seriously -- it's now legal to marry at any age in Arkansas, as long as you're NOT pregnant. When they caught the error -- they meant to make it illegal to marry before 18 unless you ARE pregnant -- they considered calling a special session of the legislature to correct the mistake, but decided to wait until the next regular session in 2009. Sure enough, a 17-year-old, unpregnant girl has now filed a lawsuit because she was denied a marriage license recently. I'm so proud.
• YEEEEEEE! HAWW! Hyip! Hyip!
• Until you read the fine print, it’s easy to not see this as a hoax because it does - like the best hoaxes - have a whiff of plausibility. Besides the thinly veiled mercenary aspect of the actual mail order bride industry (previous MoFi thread here with interesting links from flagpole and some wander by mistake), there's been some publicity lately about these real-life "father-daughter chastity balls" where Dads and their thriteen-year-old daughters get dressed up in prom gear and go to a big bash to celebrate the signing of the daughter's chastity-until-marriage pledges, cosigned by the Dads. I read an article in Jane not too long ago about the organizer of one of these events, with excerpts from a letter he wrote to his little girl's future husband. It went along the lines of, "I give my daughter's care over to you; she'll need a lot of guidance and leadership from you to maintain her moral center," etc. He presented it to the groom at their (semi-arranged) marriage. Add to that the continuing Warren Jeffs/FLDS and Children of God sagas, and you've got fertile ground for speculation on the truth of this joke.
• Okay, I'll bite. "Mr. Ordover is a science-fiction editor with a prankish history and an interest in urban nudism." Urban nudism? Anyone care to share?
• It's a joke that's only funny in the West. In much of the world, it's reality.
• I heard Jane is no more now
• Brilliant.
• What's sad is that there really ARE Christian folk out there willing to pimp out their daughters in the name of Jebus. And not all of them are in Utah.
• I just proposed to Gabriela: I would like very much to marry Gabriella. For starters, she is 17. This makes it much less likely that I will have to use my marriage certificate as a defense in court when I am invariably arrested for some sexually-related offense. Also, I think that she looks very sweet. And I live in the Southeast. I would love to show her the beautiful things in the world. I feel that it is a sin to not utilize what God has given us to its full potential. Therefore, I would want to show her that God gave her three orifices for a reason. I fully respect your family and what you are doing. You understand what the Bible means when it says that women were born to serve men. So it shall be with her. I will protect her and keep her safe. In return, she will cook, clean, mow the lawn, learn the basics of being a mechanic, and keep herself ready for entry from me or any object of my choosing at all times. I have the money, and then some. I will take care of her, and will be happy to take care of your family above and beyond the small fee you are asking for. I will give her everything she needs. A car, clothing, food, education, and lubrication will all be provided. I will allow her to finish school, though state law says that I am not allowed to live withing three hundred yards of a school. Please accept my proposal. Bernockle H
• Urban nudism is the new black.
• I am not allowed to live writhing three hundred yards of a school. Bernockle: You prevert!
• I think we should make proposing to Gabriela a competitive Mofi sport, open to both men and women. I am going to go propose to her now, and will report back.
• First Name and Last Initial: Ralph D. Email Address: tracicle@monkeyfilter.com Proposing to: Gabriela Make Your Proposal! up to 1,000 words: Your daughter appeals to me in a manner that can only be described as a turgid, volcanic, stone-hard light sabre of love. I would additionally be very interested in sharing my gift with her mom/your wife. Also, does she have a sister? I am a very wealthy middle aged man with much free time and almost no need to wear pants. I would enjoy having your daughter as a constant companion; it would be a plus if she had few opinions of her own and enjoyed films by Brian De Palma and oriental foot massage. Please have her text message me, or perhaps just drop by for a quick pre-marital "excursion". Thx! RTD
• Where's the ghost? You forgot the ghost.
• The threads - they are all collapsing - they are all combining - they intertwine - the threads, they are all becoming one. Buddha, guide me, please. Am I one with the threads? Am I one with all?
• Meanwhile, in Utah... Damn.
• Well . . yeah? It's almost a moot point that this is a "fake" Is it fake if it really happens? Woah. I'm like, deep.
• Dear Gabriella's Dad, I would like to put myself forward as a suitor for your daughter's hand (among other things, if you know what I'm saying, but we'll get to that later). The price is right -- I find it incredible that I can buy a college-educated wife for less than the cost of a college-education. Are you taking a hit? Are you a motivated seller? Nevermind that. She's what I'm looking for. Good frame, nice body, not too many miles. I'm hoping to use her as a second wife, one for going to the grocery store or the dump, and keep the first one nice. That said, it's always the second wife that's kept for ages -- the good one always gets traded in every couple years for a new model. Meaning, I suppose, that your daughter would have a good home in my garage for years to come. (Heck, I bet that at this point in her life, she'd be thrilled to see the inside of a garage, knowing that her old double-wide home could fit inside it!) In addition to the basics (food, water, Church), I can offer your daughter a small spending allowance, to doll herself up nice, but still keep her on a tight leash. Not an actual leash. Infrared. In summary, my money is as good as anyone's, and I'd be glad to take her off your hands. Yours very truly, Capt. Renault.
• What, no HTML skills? Sorry, no daughter for you.
• P.S. -- as your daughter's dowry, please include a previwe buton kthxbi.
• Well, I'll tell him but I don't think Mr. Tricyckle will be none too happy about it.
• It's such a shame when a perfectly good line of crap gets sussed.
• MonkeyFilter: It's such a shame when a perfectly good line of crap gets sussed. Sussed ya, there, buddy.