August 22, 2007

Date With Disaster As Dwarf Diggles Dick In Dyson.
posted by kitfisto 17 years ago
  • Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf Almost had his privates off But the nurses at the Edinburgh Royal Saved his bits with an hour of toil
  • Date With Disaster As Dan the Demon Dwarf Diggles Dick In Dyson.
  • I like the way you have to read roryk's poem in the style of Her Britannic Majesty HRH Queen Elizabeth II for it to rhyme.
  • I thought you could still get beheaded for addressing the Queen by the lowly title of HRH?
  • Difficulties defeat diminutive dramatizer despite direction, distended doodle docked deep in Dirt Devil.
  • Now THAT'S a boner!! Welcome to de-lurk mode, 3.2.3!
  • *golf clap*
  • Oops, guess the cat's out of the bag concerning whom upon one based one's internal voice.
  • Mr Blackner said: “It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me. As part of the spectacle, the dwarf pulls a Henry vacuum cleaner across the stage attached to his penis. I'm thinkin' inconsistency here, folks. He was taken to the accident and emergency department of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, where, he said, nurses struggled for an hour to free him. Ohhhhhhhh, the nurses had to do it. Pull it again, Baby. Pull it. Yes. YES! PULL IT HARD! Creepy little prick.
  • So I guess the trip to the hospital could be considered performance art in itself. I hope he got it on video.
  • At least he would have been able to clean up any 'spillage' caused by the nurses' frantic tugging...
  • I can't wait to see the Consumer Warning label.
  • Wow, that sucks. Sorry, couldn't resist
  • Creepy little prick. Well, he is a dwarf... Speaking of which, does anyone know who dwarves are, you know, proportioned? I wouldn't have guessed this was possible...
  • Capt.: Achondroplastic dwarfs, at any rate, have normal size torsos, so I'd imagine things were about the same for the appendage in question. I also think "dwarfs" is preferred to "dwarves" as the latter seems to imply mythical beings rather than short-statured humans. But what do I know about short? I'm 6'4".
  • caution live frogs, that would make you the world's largest dwarf.
  • Oh, dwarfs have full-sized packages. Trust me.
  • Oh shit, did I say that out loud?
  • Special delivery for or from, HW????
  • > "dwarfs" is preferred to "dwarves" Who makes these decisions and upon what criteria?
  • It's not polite to call them dwarfs or midgets. They are correctly referred to as mutants.
  • MonkeyFilter: Oh, dwarfs have full-sized packages. Trust me. Sweet. Holy. Dyson. Help us. *gnaws knuckles
  • Not to derail, but about that sausage article: does anybody know what situation might cause a 12 year old boy to be taking sleeping tablets on a regular basis?
  • Probably the mother's ill-advised way of calming the little bugger down.
  • Maybe she meant "He's taking them anyway, even though they don't work," rather than "He's been taking them since before the incident, anyway."
  • Nice work, Capt. I think you have provided InsolentChimp with material for another Fast Food Lawyer episode. I shall sit back and wait...
  • Frankly, if it was just a cocktail sausage, the offense is only a misdewiener. As far as it goes for the little brat, wurst they can do is grill him for a while and toast his buns.
  • Casing dimsissed!
  • The wurst thing about this story: The kid's gonna get put in jail, where's he gonna get ground down by the system (if he doesn't get smoked by other inmates). Very little chance his wayward nature'll be cured.
  • R. T. D. FOR. TEH. WIN! misdeweiner! little brat! Priceless! Charging the boy was the only option because he had previously been issued with three reprimands, a GMP spokeswoman said. This is obviously the wurst thing he's ever done!
  • *applauds* ...which one's bernockle?
  • He's the burger
  • INT., DAY: Courtroom BERNOCKLE, DA FRANK FURTER, and JUDGE DROOPY look long and tired from a long court battle which for some reason has a jury, even though it probably didn't need one. Don't start questioning now, it'll ruin it.
    BERNOCKLE As you can see, you beautiful people of the jury - especially you -
    BERNOCKLE flashes a "call me" sign to the leggy and industrious wealthy-lady of mystery MADAME DU LAMALINGLONG who is evidently pleased - or is she?
    BERNOCKLE (Cont'd) - my client was being molested by this pervert of an old man who harassed this young, innocent, harmless delinquent into a filthy euphemism! (raises one eyebrow dramatically) And the DA seems to think we should protect perverts. He seems to think that these depraved animals who prey on our uncontrollable youth should be let run free. He seems to think I have a wife, which I most certainly do not! (shoots a quick wink to his favorite juror) I say no. The DA has all but printed in black in white that he expressly supports pederasts- FRANK FURTER: Your honor, I most certainly object! JUDGE DROOPY: No, shh, this is good. BERNOCKLE: In fact! Furter over here has gone far enough to establish reasonable doubt that he is in fact a pedophile and he wants to have sex with all of your children over and over and he told me once that he likes rough sex! (quick gunfinger to Madame du Lamalinglong) Fact! JUDGE DROOPY Good enough for me!
    Judge Droopy SLAMS his gavel, kicking "Takin' Care of Business" by BTO into overdrive as champagne bottles uncork all over Madame du Lamalinglong causing her clothing to cling seductively to her body. Confetti and balloons rain down on the scene as banners unfold behind Judge Droopy showing a winking Bernockle and declaring "Bernockle: your next DA? A O.K.!". Judge Droopy starts dancing in that awkward way that people who have spent way too much time trying to achieve power do as Frank Furter eats his hat, weeping. Madame du Lamalinglong swoons at Bernockle's feet as five-thousand F-18's do a fly over towards Iraq to shoot stuff to celebrate the victory. The world holds hands, compelled by the sheer unblinking joy. FADE     Nice one, TUM!
  • *wild applause!*
  • InsolentChimp, I want YOU to script the rest of my life.