August 20, 2007

• well, they're laughing, not firing, 'cause it's not real money, right? CAD? Wuzzat?
• Well, I pulled some mighty boners relationship-wise -- are we talking about relationship-boners, or do you want to know about my boners not involving women?
• yes, I bet you've "pulled some boners" capt. heehee!
• I'm sure you've pulled a few yourself, lady! Haw haw. Don't get mad. Please.
• I want to hear about your biggest boners! This to date is my biggest. At 25K it's pretty impressive, don't you think? C'mon, people! Don't leave me hanging!
• This thread is useless better without pictures.
• I was at an onsite (kinda like GeekSquad, but Mac-only), and had just finished up helping the lady with her computer woes. Right before I was going to leave, I realized that the back cover of her LCD screen had come somewhat loose. Being ever helpful, I flipped the panel face down on her desk, and pressed the cover closed. All was fine, until I heard a soft, sharp "crack." Upon flipping the LCD back over, I realized that the desk was not completely level, and had cracked the screen. Luckily, my boss was cool about replacing it, but I felt like such an ass. Oh.. and then there was that time I blew a stop sign and took out a pregnant lady and her existing kids..... (not as in killed, but she broke her arm, and everyone else was pretty shaken up. Luckily she was a good mommy and all were strapped in where they were supposed to be.) If I had been through the intersection a secodn later I woulda T-bonered her, which woulda been much worse. Apparently the fetus was ok, because the settlement with the insurance company (like 5 years later) was something like 18,000. I assume it woulda been MUCH higher if there was something attributable to the accident.
• Oh, and what you don't know yet koko, is it's coming out of your next paycheck. THAT'S why they're laughing...
• I would be laughing if my next paycheck was $25K!
• I deleted my own account. That one time. I win. posted by the squidunc kid at 08:25PM UTC on August 20, 2007 Ha ha! LOLsQu1dLo0X0rz!
• Oh! I just found out it is in US dollars, as it's one of our US customers! Now who's laughing, Mr. Cheese Man!
• WTF KOKO GYOB FFS!
• I once deleted a previous boss's entire customer database while trying to set up a separate test environment to revamp it so it would work better. My first foray into amateur DB development. I also once farted really loudly during a high school geography exam.
• At 25K it's pretty impressive Can't. Top. That.
• I ruined my whole life. Top that.
• *is now suitably impressed* Well done, Koko!
• When I was a busboy, I spilled a whole pitcher of tea on some lady. Not 25k worth of tea, mind you, but it was a bit of a scene.
• I ruined my whole life. Top that. Yeah, but you're learning to ride a unicycle! That's a mitigating factor if I ever heard one.
• I did something to the server that reset all the user rights for all the files. I had to manually change the rights on each and every file before anyone could access them.
• I accidentally copied the entire department on an email that went along the lines of "The travel office says you really don't need to itemize receipts any more but that's not supposed to be public knowledge."
• I figured out how to fax to a co-worker's phone (no call display) via Outlook as an anonymous prank, but couldn't figure how to stop it - Sorcerer's Apprentice! That phone rang every few minutes all day long, and she became quite distraught. I finally had to fess up to the government geeky types, who cackled long and loud before doing anything about it. In my electrical apprentice days, I caused a fire in a university's crowded women's locker room. In an editorial position, my giving too much freedom to a spellcheck program caused a legal publication to be sent to over a thousand subscribers with "Department of Injustice" mentioned - not, I thought, as bad as the co-worker whose spellcheck's carte blanche allowed the global substition of "Negro" for "Niagara" in a publication that was full of Ontario judgements. I also flooded a relative's basement the same week I cut off power to his garage. A few months later I left his garage door opener in my open car overnight, causing the emptying of his garage. He still speaks to me.
• I once ruined Christmas by walking past the Christmas tree, and my draught causing it to fall over, smashing heirloom balls into thousands of shards -- the noise will stay with me forever -- and upon realizing what I'd done, my first thought was "how can I turn back time?" Also, as a kid, I'd fallen down the galley stairs of Queen Beatrix' yaught, that we were on illegally, and likely gave myself a concussion, and didn't tell anybody. Later, I'd taken quite a few livesaving courses, and was this close to being a lifeguard, jumped in a shallow pool and had my knees locked, even though I knew it was shallow, felt tingly pain in my spine, and didn't tell anyone out of embarrassment. My mighty hump was born...
• As a youthful gas jockey I once doused two women in a small but expensive convertible sports car with gasoline. Fortunately there was no source of ignition nearby. The same day, I failed to latch the hood on a car after checking the oil. The customer's story of what happened when he got up to speed on the nearby highway would have been funny if he hadn't been so inexplicably angry. I have walked through two screen doors, once at a former boss's barbeque party where I subsequently barfed in the swimming pool.
• I double claimed £16,000 accidentally on a government funded programme. Technically fraud. I once picked up a CD cover to swap music in a shop where I worked, not realising it was full of exquisitely chopped lines of coke (it was Christmas). Oh how we laughed. I ran through what I thought was a shallow puddle, in Beirut, of all places, and sank to my waste in stinking drain water. I then went on to a club, without getting changed, and danced the night away, on a surprisingly spacious dancefloor.
• ...sank to my waste in stinking drain water. This typo is a small, but delightfully fragrant, boner in and of itself.
• Nobody likes a spelling Nazi.
• Now now, don't be a stinker!
• Nobody likes it when you put on airs.
• MonkeyFilter: delightfully fragrant boner
• Sheesh. I just thought it was funny. "Spelling Nazi?" *dons hair shirt and cilice, bathes in brine*
• CHUT UP ALL OF YOU!
• Ha ha! Kitstinko! He . . . *forgets lines*
• I'm with kinnakeet on this one - it was a delightfully appropriate spelling gaffe, and therefore worthy of pointing out. Kind of a Freudian slip.
• FREUDIAN SLIT
• BIG COCKS!
• That's the spirit! Now we're getting to the real meat of the issue!
• In the right vein, at least.
• Thank you, TUM. Unintentionally insulting Kitfisto, does that qualify as a boner? 'Cause I didn't mean to. I really liked the image of an effluvia-drenched dancer. I once typeset a circular for a very large power company after a long weekend of hiking and camping. I was tired. And as much of the thing was repetitive, I did a lot of cut-and-paste copying. My bleary eyes did not realize that the copy I was re-using contained the unusual term "heat oump". Somehow nobody proofed the thing, and 50,000 copies were printed before somebody picked up the error. To this day I think of heat pumps as "heat oumps". Lucky for me the blame was spread around and the power company was none the wiser. Co-workers called me the oumpa-loumpa for a while, though.
• I wasn't insulted, so don't worry. Did I come across as a bit harsh, you bunch of cunts? See? I don't even know I'm doing it...
• We love you anyway, pigfucker.
• Probably not my biggest, but one that still makes me smile: Wilminton, NC - 1991 or thereabouts. I lived with my mom on the edge of a very large and maze-like residential neighborhood. Getting to know the roads and shortcuts took years to master. I always drove my mom to work and picked her up in the evenings; as her place of work was on the opposite side of this maze-like community, I always drove through it. One day, Matlock happened to be filming in the middle of this particular neighborhood. The crew probably thought they had all of their bases covered (i.e., blocked off all roads), but they forgot one small lane - one that I happened to drive daily. So there I was, driving through the nice lush neighborhood - - yelling along to some nice Fifteen tunes. Suddenly the road below the tires became very unfamilar - - cables, wires, barriers, cases, lights, etc... I schreeched the car to a halt just in time to see Andy Griffith running straight for me, his arms slashing through the air wildly, profanities spewing... *I drove straight through the middle of their set while the cameras were rolling* I was suddenly surrounded by the entire crew, and they were quite pissed. Hell, it was not my fault! I slowly drove through the rest of the set, knocking over a couple props in the process. I will never forget that look on Andy's face. He always seemed like such a gentle person to me.
• /collapses at the mental image
• LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA
• Any boner comment I make will be eponysterical.
• Awesome, SMT. Our man Andy, just bein' a star. Back in the 80s I was in Manteo, NC when pretty much everybody was excited about the airing of a Matlock filmed in and around the town. Restaurants actually closed the evening the thing was on, so that EVERYONE could check it out. We tuned in to see how much local color would be included, and were appalled to see that the locals were portrayed as being mentally defective southern stereotypes (by actors not from the area) and the locations were used fleetingly if at all. The opening was filmed at a restaurant where we dined the following night; the owner was so upset he didn't even want to talk about the show. Andy was a Manteo resident, it should be noted. I was once in Hamilton, NY when I thought it'd be fun to check out the Colgate University hockey rink, where a film was being made. It was a hot day and I was dressed accordingly. I wandered into the arena and sat down amid a large group of people, not quite registering that they were dressed for winter. The next thing I knew, George Roy Hill was shrieking at me, "get her outta there!" so I fled, little realizing my boner. Even Paul Newman gave me a dirty look.
• I represented a guy who was charged with first degree murder. The man who was killed did not die instantly. A nurse from the ER said that the man identified a man other than my client as the killer. I was planning to get the nurse to testify at the trial. However, she was killed in a car accident several weeks before the trial. Because she was dead, a notarized affidavit would have been admissible to prove someone else shot the guy. My boner was that I never had her do a written statement. As such, there was no evidence admitted about the dying man's statement about who killed him. My client lost, received the death penalty, and his case is on appeal.
• You win.
• Wow. INT. NIGHT: Unlit Office BERNOCKLE, ESQ. Fast Food Lawyer's shadow shaking in rage and depression behind an empty bottle of Wild Turkey and an overturned rocks glass. His forehead is pressed to the desk amidst a subtle slick of Owl Semyn Hair Creme. His fist pounds the gold-plated diamond-frame desk.

  BERNOCKLE: Always check off the list. Always check off the list. Never get out of the boat.

  His head arches backwards in the bejeweled throne as he cries out:

  BERNOCKLE: (Cont'd) Mariaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  "Every Rose Has A Thorn" by Poison SQUEALS out a grandiose cliche solo as the camera CRANES out.
• I may be a bit out of touch up here in the Great North, but how do you appeal a sentence that is so, so, so very fait accompli? Is this to clean the person's record? To open a new investigation?Does it leave you responsible in some civil way if the appeal is won? That's major bad stuff. Will you need references for court? *shout out for 8000+ monkey-letters*
• 1. There are a variety of reasons you can appeal a case. When it is a capital offense, there are even more grounds for appeal. If there was key evidence that was not admitted, that would probably be a reason to appeal. You would want an appellate court to rule that the evidence should have been ruled admissible. 2. In this case, you would probably want to appeal the case based on infeffective assistance of counsel. 3. Some appeals lead to a new investigation into a certain area. Perhaps this would be a case where there would be a resulting investigation into the nurse's statement. 4. I could be sued for malpractice, and the result could be a monetary award. I could also have a complaint filed with the Bar Association and have my license taken away. 5. I will not need any references for court because the entire story was made up.
• Okay, when I went to work creating and maintaining billing systems for an environmental engineering company, they had a cash cow contract that put out 2 invoices a month of over a quarter million dollars each in labor charges (by the hour) that was run on an ancient dBaseIII installation. When Microsoft's Access database software first came out, my boss got it for me and I was instructed to train myself on it and use it for future big contracts. I said, hey, why don't I learn by doing by converting the Cash Cow? He said OK. The first two invoices I created with Access matched the dBaseIII almost-to-the-penny, so I was OK'd to drop the old system. Now, with weekly timesheets being billed twice-monthly, once each quarter you get a three-week invoice, but the first time it happened on the new system, it only pulled in two of the three weeks, so I accidentally left about $150,000 unbilled. I discovered the error over a month later; fortunately, the US Dept. of Energy we were doing this for didn't look closely at the invoices before paying, and I was able to toss in the extra week's work in the middle of the fiscal quarter. I didn't even tell my boss. Meanwhile, the company had already reported their quarterly financials, so my boner reduced revenues by $150K and made the contract look less Cash Cowish. Of course, the next quarter's numbers made up for that, and I never got called on it... until 3 years later when the contract closed, the DOE did a cursory audit and found the time-shifted timesheets. Fortunately, I had a new boss by then and got away with lying that I'd told my old boss of the error when i fixed it myself. (Which fit the new boss' image of both me and the old boss) Whew.
• And my story was NOT made up.
• I'm torn between immense relief that the story's not true, coupled with admiratiion for your storytelling skils, and disappointment at my own gullibility and the urge to smack you upside your virtual head for scaring me like that! But I like you, so here's a Scooter Pie®.
• 5. I will not need any references for court because the entire story was made up. Yah. Admit it. You were drunk when you posted. Right? Can't hold that against you. Wendell: Wow! Just. Wow. I lied once about having a college degree. Three credits and an application for graduation short, and time to make it up before they caught me. Still haven't made up those three credits. Color me really really stupid.
• Mine was a long time ago, during rehearsal for our high school play. In one scene, I was to dramatically step from behind a curtain, making a sweeping gesture with my arm. I was wearing a blouse I'd never worn before, and it had those little round pearl buttons that never stay buttoned. So I burst out, yelling my line, gesturing wildly as my blouse gaped open for the entire drama club to see. Never lived it down.
• I don't know whether I'm more relieved or disappointed that bernockle's story is false.
• I'm leaning towards disappointed; the innocent imprisoned was fictitious so there's no reason to be relieved - unless bernockle was double-lying. He is crafty.
• Lara - I'm having trouble imagining that scene. Please re-create and send pics. Email in profile. KTHX
• I heard bernockle took the case pro boner.
• Whenever a lawyer steps out into the crowd in misdemeanor/traffic court and represents some attractive young woman for free -- which happens all the time -- we refer say that lawyer is working pro boner.
• Sick fucks!
• SMT: That's too funny. A similar thing happened to me. They were filming an episode of The Third Watch on Clinton Street by my house, which is the street I use to walk to the subway. I just saw police cars and an ambulance, so I was curious to see what was going on. I somehow missed the cameras and lights, which were around the corner (They were filming in an intersection) While I didn't walk completely through the set, they had to stop filming as a 500 lb. bouncer was shouting at me to "GET THE FUCK OFF THE SET!!!!!" The black guy who acts as one of the ambulance guys thought it was pretty funny though...
• I didn't finish my MFA Creative Writing degree, even though I only needed to defend my (already completed) thesis in order to get it. And now I'm a computer programmer making skads of money in a job I hate rather than teaching fiction workshops at a community college for a pittance, which I still think I'd love. Oh, and I've got a boner right now. (Thanks, Lara!)
• Halloween - Third grade - Mom dressed me up as a scarecrow. Overalls, straw coming out of the sleeves, painted on freckles, a big straw hat. She dropped me off at school. I was late missed the first bell. It's hard to move fast with a straw hat on. I held it down with one hand and ran to class. I opened the door and started to stammer an excuse to the teacher. It was right then I noticed that I was the only one in costume. They called my mom to come back and get me.
• Oh, Jeazz! You poor traumatized kid. Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it, folks?
• Man Bluehorse, menopause is hell huh?
• Wait, GramMa's a man? Geez, for a thread about boners, this is gettin' weird. *munches popcorn, stares intently*
• I didn't spend the second half my life carefully hiding all trace and creating as much plausible deniability as I could about what I did the first half of my life, just so I could go on and tell you people about it!
• 'Fes up! The plaid, the tie-dye, the socks-and-sandals, the sombreros - we want the dirt.
• Never! You'll get nothing out of me. I'm never going back to the joint JC Penney - never, you understand! *brandishes taser wildly*
• I opened the train door against the direction of travel, and was almost dragged out of the speeding train. I guess it's not a boner if nothing bad happened. I'll try harder next time.
• Man Bluehorse, menopause is hell huh? Well, crap! Don't tell me I need to apologize AGAIN? It hasn't been two weeks even. I was SERIOUS about the first two comments. That's why they were in large print, and the other in small. Oh, Jeazz! You poor traumatized kid. That would traumatize a third grader. It would be embarrassing to be the only one dress and then to be sent home, and disappointing not to have a party that day. And the small print was teasing. You know, teasing? Small print indicating change in discourse/tone? Didn't anybody read it that way? OK, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to demean you or hurt your feelings. What am I gonna have to do, you guys? Don't make me use these stupid emoticons. :\ ;P LOL :0 :) Not menopausal, blonde and 14 years old. :} :O ooo puke
• Can I go internuts on GramMa next?
• I read it that way, BH
• Okay okay! I can't read! *sob*
• HEY! You all stop being mean to my GramMa or you'll have to answer to me!!
• Mean GramMa tag Do. Not. Want. bakes cupcakes for Lara
• I threw out my boss' lunch today. I had to clear a bunch of old food out of the fridge, and there was this Arby's bag in there. It looked old, so I threw it out. Who the hell eats last night's Arby's for lunch?! It's a miracle I still have a job.
• Koko = Lucy?
• Koko, that's just sad. Couldn't you even offer to buy a fresh roast beast sammich for the guy? (I'm assuming it's a guy--leftovers and all, ya know) Hey, overnight in the fridge is nuthin'. On the military base where my husband works, they'd think nothing of bringing it in to work and shoving it into a desk drawer--for two or three days--before eating it. No lie.
• I offered to buy him lunch, but he said no and stormed off in a huff, then got something out of the vending machine. I'll get him Timbits on the way to work tomorrow. On the bright side, I was everyone's hero today.
• What'dya do? Run into a burning building to save a puppy?
• No, I threw out the boss' lunch. Pay attention!
• Oh. I thought it was two separate things, you know, like yin and yang. Nearly get the sack (again) versus saving little Patch from the ranch-house fire. But it wasn't.
• No. He was happy to get the Timbits though. Shared them with the other supervisors in the morning meeting. I'm back in his good graces, until he catches me fooling aroung on MonkeyFil
• And shitting in his flask...
• /Ha! Ha! *clears cache*
• This is absolutely true- I once shut down Denver Airport for most of a day, throwing the entire US air system into disarray and causing hundreds of flights to be cancelled or delayed. This was pre 9-11. I won't go into too much detail as I was only identified as "someone" in the newspaper accounts of the day and considering the fascist mindset of the authoritarian twits in DHS, I guess I prefer to keep it that way. I will say, that if I were in the same situation today, I would do it again. This was not an act of vandalism but of self preservation. A friend of mine who is proficient at needlepoint sewed me a vest depicting the event in embroidery. It is my most treasured article of clothing.
• Did it have to do with leftover Arby's? Cause otherwise you're gonna have to give us a hint.
• It involved the passenger train system.
• At the Museum Stibbert in Florence, I told my mom who was tired that it was okay to sit down and rest on this old wooden bench. However when she did, it creaked and teetered dangerously. Then I read the sign next to it that said the bench was a 14th century antique, part of the museum's exhibit .
• Today was pretty bad. I'm a bonehead. I'm subbing in math trying to get remedial kids to understand some basic arithmetic facts on commutative property and solving for x. These kids haven't grasped that you can call the unknowns x, or t, or Irving, and it's still going to come out the same. I go through the lesson examples--they still haven't grasped it. So I start making up my own problems. Example: 12 + x + 3 + 7 = 22 What is x? We're solving by adding the three knowns and then subtracting that from the sum. For some reason, I'm thinking x is 2. I write the addition on the board as if the first addend were 10 instead of 12 and don't bother looking at the problem after I've "solved" it. Didn't bother doing a check. Moved on to another problem. There are head scratchings and mutterings. I'm thinking they aren't getting it. So I do a second problem (WRONG) again. One of brighter, more outspoken kids finally questions me on the basic addition. DOH!! I explain that they need to call me on it if they think something's wrong. I also explain how important it is to CHECK by doing the subtraction. Even adults need to check. They weren't too clear about how to check a problem by doing the opposite, so we reviewed. I plow on and keep screwing up (and it was NOT a teaching ploy to engage them.) The only good part about it was that they were so dead set on showing me what an idiot I am that even the slowest kid in the class was telling me how to find x and how to check the problem. They were working problems out and YELLING the answers by the end of class. Hopefully, they'll remember how to solve for x and how to check their math. Or else I've just screwed up a classroom of 12 already math-challenged kids for life...
• When the teacher makes a mistake it's great! Is it because for once, the students have teh Power?! Congrats, Granma on doing something about math literacy as opposed to myself who just yaps about it .
• SB, you want to spread math illiteracy, too? *hangs head
• UNITE FOR MATH ILLITERACY! I'll get the ball rolling. Most bankers can't add to save their lives. Who's with me? DOWN WITH MATH!
• s.
• Do you use a lot of visual/hands-on aids, BlueHorse? Seems like you could go a long way to showing that a variable can be any damn thing by using any damn thing in your equations. Maths.
• When leaving a previous job, I set up the automated e-mail response thing to tell people to mail me at another address for personal stuff or contact someone else for job-related stuff. I also tried to unsubscribe to an internal discussion list that had been set up. This latter didn't work, with the result that every time someone mailed the list, my automated response was sent back to the list, prompting my automated response to be sent to the list, which of course was responded to automatically by my e-mail account, und so weiter until the mail server crashed... Bonus points to those among my ex-colleagues who mailed the list to ask why these automated responses kept coming; their mails were met with additional automated responses.
• koko and her litany of work-based disasters has inspired me to post this article on my work blog. Yes, it's a kind of self link, but koko-pops said it was ok...
• and I'm NEVER wrong ...
• Math
• s
• s
• and I'm NEVER wrong ... Except NOW!!!
• s - seconded. Thus we win.
• Math times infinity
• The reason they pluralize it is because they have to take the courses more than once.
• Stop saying things!
• This argument, like koko's noes, will run and run. And we will always be right.
• nose, obv. curses
• L0LURDUMB
• Slut.
• I know you are but what am I?
• your mum
• Yeah, that's what I thought.
• d'oh!
• Hey don't you have someone's lunch to be throwing out?
• that's what your mum said
• Cause she heard it from YOUR MOM
• boner
• hee
• You math haters just wait. One day you'll be standing there at Heaven's gate and St. Paul goes: "x, the indeterminate hypotenuse variable is inversely related to the integral of y, show x equals y on the manifold square root and eternal paradise will be yours". WHAT THEN?????
• p.s. your calculator has no "hypotenuse manifold square root" button. Or if it did have it, the key's fallen off.
• I'd be all like "Welp, have a good one, heaven dude!" and be all like MMmrrrrrrowwrrrrrrr straight down to special ed purgatory. Where they have films and cookies and juice. Sweet.
• I can handle hanging out with the virtuous pagans for eternity. Dinner with Socrates and Xenophon, talk about Cleopatra's nose...
• well mr medusa crashed his motorcycle into another car (he got cut off) and flipped over the bike and broke his arm yesterday (requiring surgery) does that count as a boner, or an anti-boner that he wasn't hurt much worse?? he's home now, with massive quantities of vicodin.
• Jesus, Medusa, that sucks. Thank god it wasn't worse. That would be a boner for the guy who cut him off. BTW I'm on vicodin too, due to wisdom tooth removal. whee
• Glad he's not hurt too badly, Medusa! I'm on Tylenol 3's, but I'd love it if someone shared their Vicodin ...
• Mrs K broke her ankle early June - she's just got of plaster, and it still hurts like a motherfucker. Be prepared to cater for his every need for a long time...
• Didn't you have to do that already, kit?
• *whoopSSSH*
• why yes, and my husband has been very happy with Kit's "services"
• OMG, best of luck to Mr. Medusa. Broken boner! I fell through a hole in my mother's porch over the weekend and bruised my tailbone.
• Tell him when he's feeling down that he should come to this thread and it will brighten his day due to the word "boner".
• TUM fell on her bottom and now her bottom's big!
• Oh, OUCH, Medusa. Please extend my sympathies to him. Makes me ache thinking about it.
• he's doing surprising well already, pain is not too bad and he's actually continued to cook for me :D
• Yes, but how is he at teh maths?
• you die
• *runs away*
• Hope all injured Monkeyfamily and Monkeyfriends are comfortable and healing well!
• we just had a healthy dose of Chicken Tikka Masala, known the world over for its bone-knitting abilities. ahem, now I have to go um, "make a comment" in the fart thread...HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Is that a train going by?
• Motorboat.