July 25, 2007

• From what I understand, if you go to court, the cop who issued the ticket has to be there as well. This is a drag for them, and sometimes they don't show up. If that happens, your ticked gets dismissed. So, I guess it's a gamble. If you go to court and the cop is there, the judge may well still dismiss the part of the fine. For instance, if you *do* have insurance, you bring the card and that charge is dropped but you still have to pay the speeding part. On my one trip to traffic court, this was the result. I've also heard that if it's a female judge, you can take your schlong out and she'll be so turned on that she'll dismiss the citation entirely. I think you should definitely try this.
• But mightn't I be held in cumtempt of court?
• If traffic court is so conveniently located, I would pick a morning to sit back & observe, just to get a sense of what actually happens.
• One possibility is to plea bargain with the city attorney (or whoever else that would be, if it's county or state police). example, example. But considering your prior violations, it may be wiser to go ahead and get counsel.
• You might consider not speeding?
• This is a drag for them, and sometimes they don't show up. From what I've been told by a cop is that this is usually overtime for them and, most of the time, making that cake is not such a drag at all. In fact, he said, "I love it when people challenge the ticket." But maybe this was reverse psychology? Who is to say?
• rolypoly, are you in Colorado, or is the fact that both of your links are CO locations just coincidence?
• stop speeding!
• Do you need a character reference? 'Cos I'll totally write you one.
• I think it depends a lot on the judge and the jurisdiction. I've had a few traffic court experiences over the years around the Chicago area. A typical experience is that at the beginning of court the judge will announce "We have an unusually large call this morning, so if you don't want to contest your case, when your name is called come up, plead guilty, and ask for supervision and a suspended sentence, you'll receive a fine but if you don't have another conviction in 6 months it will be cleared from your record". Or something like that, IANAL. I have also, once, had the experience of having the cop not show up to court on what was a BS ticket to begin with (long story, I committed a small transgression but the cop decided to be a major dick on the scene, and then no-showed in court). If you do decide to fight it ask for a jury trial, if its an option (not always an option on smaller municipal tickets, though again IANAL). The one time I decided to fight it the judge basically rolled his eyes and said 'I believe the cop', plus it was over faster for the judge, prosecutor, and cops. I wish I had at least dragged it out through jury selection, etc, to make them waste their time, plus I'm sure I would have gotten a fairer hearing. Also, get insurance if you don't already have it, and bring your insurance card to show that you at least have it NOW.
• Gomi: according to liquorice in the blue thread that seems inordinately apropos this morning, my problem isn't so much teeny weeny (I stopped judging myself and others by dick size long ago) as it is (a) male (guilty), (b) a "high-disposition for risk taking" (nolo contendre), (c) a "high self-rated confidence and adventurousness as a driver" (nolo), and (d) a "low level of practice of other health related behaviors" (nolo). Rev: I have insurance, I just couldn't put my hands on proof.
• What's the worst case? You lose some time, and risk looking slightly foolish. Best case, you save your licence and enjoy an ego-boosting moment of glory. They're not going to punish you more for contesting. (Are they?)
• I successfully fought a ticket for running a red (I was innocent) about a year ago...and represented myself in court (IANAL). This applies to Ontario Court, but may apply to you as well. First, indicate on the ticket that you plan to fight it. When they assign you a court date, immediately ask to have it changed. (I didn't do this because I was innocent) The reason for this is that court dates are assigned for the benefit of the arresting officer. All his tickets will be tried in one day, to make it easier for him to attend. When you have it changed (try the day before or the day after), it will be less likely that he'll show up. Second, talk to the presecuting attorney - either just before your court date or on the day of (If you changed the date and are hoping the cop doesn't show up, do this just before your trial if he does show up). They'll likely cut you a deal for a lesser fine just to get it over with. In my case, the Crown Attorney (same as DA) took me aside just before my case and offered a 50% fine and no points, but I turned him down because I was innocent. If you actually do have to stand trial, just tell them the insurance card *was* actually in the car but you couldn't find it when the cop was there. They'll probably drop that charge.
• Add up everything you've paid in fines over the years. Maybe the dollar amount will be enough of a motivation to start diving more sensibly.
• It's not about the fine. The fine for both tickets is less than a hundred bucks - at worst a poor judgment tax for not watching the usual traps, at best a fee for the privilege of demonstrating the proper use of the left lane and getting to work and home a half hour faster.
• I think Fes would look charming in one of those orange jumpsuits that folks wear when they're paying their debt to society by cleaning up our highways. Can't you picture it? Maybe with an ascot or a pocket square?
• 200 hours in the hot sun, with only the billboards to distract you...UNLESS YOU LIVE IN SAO PAULO.
• Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, now Fes...must all of my role models fall to disgrace?
• Make sure you base your arguments on the law (I'd read up on local traffic laws). I received a ticket for using my common sense (traffic agent basically instructed me to block a major intersection, so I simply made a right turn). I informed the judge of this and he basically said "Well, it's one thing if you didn't see the traffic agent ordering you to stop, but since you ignored his order, the ticket stands." So, if I had lied and said I somply didn't see the agent, he would've dismissed the ticket. (I also postponed the case twice, so it didn't go to trial for 6 months, but the cop showed anyways... bunk!)
• Well, I don't know what state you are in, but I know what goes on in North Carolina. If you get a traffic ticket in North Carolina, you will get assigned a court date. Being 28 over will take your license away if you are convicted. Your court date may be an administrative date set up simply to move the high volume of traffic related matters in your county. If that is the case, then there will not be an officer there, and you will not be able to have a trial on that date. You would need to show up for court and have the case continued to the officer's court date. On the officer's court date, you answer Not Guilty and tell them you want to have a trial. You may be stunned to find out that the officer isn't there and the Judge will continue the case for the State anyway. Most Judges I know will not deny a State's motion to continue unless the officer has not shown up for his court date on more than one occasion. You will let the DA know you want a trial. The DA will make you sit there all day until the end. Right before trying the case, the DA will make you an offer that is better than any offer you have received from the DA previously. Know how various convictions will affect your license and your insurance. If the deal is acceptable, take it. In North Carolina, you will try your case in front of a Judge. You will lose. I have never seen nor heard of a Judge finding someone Not Guilty of speeding. You then appeal. Now the case is in Superior Court and you will ask for a jury trial. The State will dick around with your case for months before finally dismissing it outright. They are not going to piss off the Judge by wasting that much time and taxpayer money on a speeding ticket trial. Again, I have never seen nor heard of the State actually trying a speeding ticket before a jury. I assume your state probably dispenses with the trial before the judge and goes right to a trial by jury. The same incentives the DA has to dismiss those cases in North Carolina would be true anywhere. Push them to a jury trial. I would advise you to - at the very last second before beginning jury selection - to take whatever they have offered you.
• I'm sorry, but that case can't be featured on "Bernockle, Fast Food Lawyer" unless the speeding takes place at a drive-thru window. But I've got Gerald MacRaney's people on Line 2, if you're looking for someone to play the cantankerous judge.
• INT: DAY, COURTROOM ESTABLISHING scene of BERNOCKLE, ESQ. pacing back and forth before JUDGE BERGER and MORBIDLY OBESE JURY. Prosecuting attorney FRY LARGO is seated. SLIM TUCKER the Australian defendant sits at the witness stand. Dramatic PIZZICATO NOTES reverberate as Bernockle steeples his hands at his lips, breathing deeply and introspectively - as if he could still smell the blood burrito of episode 07. Camera ZOOMS on Berger's greasy gavel hand and TRACKS along the GALLERY OCCUPANTS like the palpitations of a cholesterol constricted coronary.

  BERNOCKLE: ...and so Mr. Tucker, you admit that by leaving your legitimate place of work at the end of your scheduled shift you were... what?... tired?... gassy?... overcome with ennui? TUCKER: Hungry, I'd say... BERNOCKLE: (emphatically) HUNGRY! And how hungry, exactly, were you?.. Very?... Or extremely? LARGO: Objection! He's feeding the witness... BERGER: Largo may I remind you that the conditions of the Grimmace Charter allow the feeding of a prepared witness. Idiot. (tiredly) Please continue, Mr. Bernockle, Esq. Fast Food Lawyer, sir. BERNOCKLE: (shoots gunfinger wink combo to Berger) Thank you, your most excellent judgeship. (continues, raising one finger animatedly behind his focused stainless-steel fry-o-later like mind) Were you, Mr. Tucker... hungry enough to eat a horse? TUCKER: Yes, sir, I would say I was hungry enough to eat a horse. BERNOCKLE: And horses are fast animals, are they not? TUCKER: (laughs) Well, I used to raise horses up and I would say they can be 'bout as fast as a parched Wallaby with sights on a billabong.

  DELIGHTED MURMURS arise from the gallery from such affectations of the script. Bernockle casts sidelong glances between the gallery, jury and witness before cultivating a wry buck-slice smile.

  BERNOCKLE: Indeed they are. (singles out Jury FOREMAN) He was hungry! I'm sure you can appreciate that!

  Bernockle tickles the Foreman's rotund belly provoking coy giggles of pure delight from both the action and the razor-honed wit of the ultimate lawyer.

  BERNOCKLE: So, I present you, you wise and big-boned citizens, with this: a hungry man who desires a horse must chase a horse! This is why Officer Mac wrote this unconstitutional citation! I may be a simple, high-profile city lawyer who knows a lot more than any of you, but I know this much: it is ridiculous to expect Mr. Tucker to pay a simple and pitifully nominal fee because he, like you or I, or any other American citizen hungers! You might argue that this man comes from some peninsula where people live upside down and box kangaroos, but isn't he really just an American with a silly accent, like you or I? Maybe not so much like me, because I make more money than a powerball lottery, but you see my point - and you see your duty: you must make an important decision and this man's pocket change...no, his life... no! his hunger - hangs in the balance. What would you do if this man were you? I know what I'd do. Thank you. No further questions or comments, your honorably judgeness, Mr. Almighty. BERGER: Aw, hell! Case dismissed; let's do lunch! BERNOCKLE: I'm lovin it!

  NINJAS drop from the ceiling doing backflips as THEME MUSIC swells. One attacks the others missing, but cutting their clothes off. Underneath they are HOT BABES. Bernockle doesn't even need to Fonzie-snap before they're all over him like white on castle. FADE
• God, I want to see that show.
• Looking back, I think I wrote you for Greg Kinnear.
• Answer the darn question, people. It's getting as bad as AskMefi around here, before Jessamyn deletes the extraneous comments.
• Second...
• Whats so wrong about playing in a thread where someone's asking about legal advice for a undisclosed location from a scattered and small international population? I would fling poo at you, tracicle, if I weren't so constipated of angst. Fes, I might add: go to court if you can be satisfied throwing the money you'll be spending on the lawyer and more away for the sake of the fight. As my brother can vouch from his custody battles a lawyer can really fuck your case up and still cost you far more than you can comfortably afford in both fees and repercussions. Say, for example, going from weekend custody to expensive supervised custody while his ex remains in a cloistered fundamentalist religion, lacks income (save child support), has flown off the handle in court to the point that the judge had her removed, cast wild accusations and rescinded them and has illegally withheld custody (which prompted the custody battle in the first place). Although, I'm not trying to be a pessimist, I'd just pay the ticket and take my lumps. Needless to say, the lawyer was fired and my brother is still paying for the mess years into the debacle. His case is being built slowly (temporarily without counsel, due to the financial obstacles) on his constancy of character and her diminishing reputation; however, her lawyer is working pro bono and is known to mindlessly fight for maternal rights, for whatever that's worth. Luckily he's managed to stay clear of those radical "father's rights" groups.
• Thanks everyone. I will pay the fine and consider myself lucky for having not compounded the foolishness of getting the tickets with this lunacy of going to court to fight them.
• Although we're absolutely positive if you would have gone to court, the judge would have been soooo jealous of your tie. Whats so wrong about playing in a thread where someone's asking about legal advice for a undisclosed location from a scattered and small international population? I would fling poo at you, tracicle, if I weren't so constipated of angst. Not just scattered. Not just small. We're monkeys. Monkeys, dammit! Who seriously asks advice from a buncha monkeys?