May 15, 2007

• *laughs at the smelly hoodie monkey*
• Is a little chlorine bleach out of the question? Maybe, like, half the normal amount, added to a washerful of warm water with a litle soap BEFORE you put the shirt in by itself.
• Baking powder?
• (sing-song voice) you look like a monkey, and you smell like one, too! Have you tried Febreze?
• Try stopping being such a skanky ho-beeyotch for five minutes. Everything should shine up just fine. kthnx
• Don' wanna use bleach, as the hoodie is black. Febreeze is a stank all its own, and then it just fades and leaves the original stank plus a hint of Febreeze. Baking powder? How much? And finally, at least it doesn't smell like month-old urine, LIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW KITFISTO.
• Right now it smells like funk and Burberry Brit. And as the day progresses, the funk is winning.
• At least the month-old urine is my own, BEYOTCH!
• Hmm, then a several-days' sunning probably isn't an option, either. Maybe a capful of liquid Lysol in the wash water? It'll smell like Lysol afterward, but that washes out.
• Soak it in a vinegar rinse, wash, and hang it out in the sunshine anywhere but Oz?
• Soft worn and dark I've displayed you well Days in the sun Nights in the swill When I pull my arms in Letting the hood go long I curl in my security Letting your drawstring yawn -- Joining me on journeys Afar to the land of golden clouds Moulds invaded your skeins Letting must taint your dyes Whitewashing would pockmark you How dare I now send you to the pyre? Letting go is my only hope now
• To echo Nickdanger's suggestion: soak it in water mixed with about five tablespoons of bicarbonate of soda overnight, then rinse it and run it through a wash cycle. This should also kill the fleas.
• But not the general air of skanky-ness.
• Powdered oxygen bleach products do an amazing job of getting smells out of things. Trouble is, I'm not sure how it would work with black. Might be worth a try, since a faded hoodie would beat a stinkily unwearable hoodie.
• Launder it with some borax, hang it outside on a nice sunny day to dry. Some athletic friends of mine swear by making a paste out of baking soda, and rubbing it into smelly clothes, then letting it sit for a while before laundering. Apparently it is the only sure way to get pit smell out.
• What kinnakeet said. Soaking it overnight in your washer in a mixture of Oxy Clean and good detergent (we use Biz for really powerful stuff, don't know if you can get it up there) and then running a full cycle will do the job. You stanky, stanky woman.
• Use warm water too. Also wash your butt, which also stinks.
• Stanky.
• On a somewhat related note, I have a nice big antique wooden suitcase with a silk liner, that has become musty smelling as anything inside. The musty smell transfers to anything I put in it, and I can't get the smell out. Because of the silk liner, I'm a bit stumped as to how to remove the stank without wrecking the liner, so I am at the point of deciding whether to just chuck the suitcase or not.
• We actually had this issue last week with an entire load of laundry that got left in the dryer for several days, not quite dry. Mmmmmm. I soaked it all overnight with Oxyclean and it came out smelling fresh as morning dew. Or at least not like rancid feet. Has to be overnight, though -- I tried an hour-long soak first and it didn't work. Not enough time for the elves, you know.
• You do realize that stanky black hoodies attract mosquitoes. But if they repel kitfistoes, then I guess it may be worth it.
• On preview, I see MCT beat me to it. He didn't mention the elves, though.
• If I combine the vinegar and baking soda, will it get all foamy? Cuz that'd be cool. Thanks for all the suggestions, and for the lovely poem smt. Everyone who made fun of me should be cursed with the funk for all time. fimbulvetr: could you get the suitcase re-lined? I don't know who would do that but an antiques dealer might know.
• > I have a nice big antique wooden suitcase with a silk liner It sounds like the wood is damp or even mouldy, which probably means unpicking the liner.
• Somewhere between morning dew and rancid feet, lies Hillbillyswamp's Laundry™ by Calvin Klein.
• No dampness or mould that I can find. It is dry as a bone, the stank came with it. I think it is in the liner itself. Not sure if I can be bothered spending the time or money getting it relined. If there is no easy way to rid it of the funk, then I figure it can be Somebody Else's Problem and stop taking up room in my house.
• Caution: OxyClean, while great for CatChuck stains in carpets, will bleach some stuff, like wool carpets. *sigh*
• Remember, Mofi's: when referring to CatChuck™ Brand cat chuck, one must always remember to use the trademark symbol.
• MonkeyFilter: The original stank plus a hint of Febreeze. Koko, bring da funk!
• I've been looking for something to get cat chuck outta my cheap carpet. You think OxyClean will work? Thanks, fish!
• P.S. Why do they put all that food dye in cat food? If it could be kind of a carpet-color, it wouldn't be so bad when they threw up.
• The Cleansing fire of righteousness, or a good soaking in hot/warm water and Oxyclean. On a related note, never soak sneakers in Oxyclean overnight, it dissolves the glue that holds the sneakers together.
• Mr. Whiskers uses only CatChuck Premium™ brand cat chuck. "Why, yes, Mr. Landlord, it was an orange polka-dot carpet when I moved in!"
• You need to change your carpet colour, Lara.
• What's Burberry Brit? I'm too lazy to Gooooogle.
• Never mind. I couldn't wait, and 15 seconds went by, and nobody answered, so I looked it up.
• I need to get back to work and lay offa the Vicodin: katpuke.com Now that you've all solved Koko's problem, this thread is fair game, right?
• Bring one cup of Diet Dr. Thunder soft drink to a light boil. Immediately freeze. Thaw at 45 degrees. Add one table spoon owl semen. Add to cold wash in the middle of the second spin cycle.
• Throw away tablespoon.
• Throw away tablespoon.
• Did I mention throwing away the tablespoon.
• No -- what was that about a tablespoon?
• I think she said, "Lo! A weighted tablespoon!"
• Wait... what are we supposed to do with the tablespoon?
• If the Oxy stuff doesn't work, or you're afraid that'll bleach stuff out, I swear by Cascade dishwasher detergent. (The kind without bleach) It gets out cat pee smell and did wonders with some blankets that got moldy from a roof leak. You can also use it to get the dinge out of dishtowels. It doesn't bleach stuff out, just brightens and de-smells it.
• I have Cascade dishwasher detergent!! Powder or liquid? Because I have powder. Do I use it in the washing machine or soak in it overnight? How much do I use? Tablespoon? HELP ME MEREDITHEA.
• Just throw the whole box in there and set the water temperature to its hottest setting.
• And then you can use it to wash the tablespoon.
• When I worked at a restaurant in college, all of the kitchen staff swore by Cascade to get the grease smell out of their work clothes. We used to use the dry, and just shake a good amount into the washer (same amount as if it were powdered detergent), on the hottest setting. Worked quite well. You might want to make sure there's no bleach in it, and also maybe test with a paste of Cascade and water on an inconspicuous spot to make sure it won't take the color out.
• AND FOR GODS SAKE THROW OUT THE TABLESPOON!
• Why oh why do you hates the tablespoon so? Are you a Teaspoonista?
• ITS COATED WITH OWL SEMEN AND SOMEONE MIGHT TRY TO STIR PUDDING WITH IT!
• SET IT ON FIRE
• My GF is hoodie-obsessed, too. I have several hoodies myself, but don't feel nearly the emotional attachment to them that she does. What is it with ladies and their hoodies?
• I was kidding about the hot water. It'll shrink your hoodie.
• Shud-dup, MCT. It'll make it tighter around the chestal region!
• MonkeyFilter: It'll shrink your hoodie.
• Hot water won't shrink it. Drying on hot will shrink it. You must wash in hot to melt the Cascade. Maybe you should then line-dry.
• George Clinton would not approve.
• YOU NEED TO KILL THE FUNK FIRST!!! THEN HIT IT WITH AN AMMONIA WASH ON DAY ONE. ON DAY TWO, AIR DRY IN THE SUN. ON DAY THREE, HIT IT WITH THE VINEGAR WASH. ON DAY FOUR, AIR DRY IN THE SUN. ON DAY FIVE, HIT IT WITH THE SODA WASH. ON DAY SIX, AIR DRY IN THE SUN. ON DAY SEVEN YOU ARE GOD! /yelling thread
• ON DAY EIGHT: THROW AWAY THE DAMNED SPOON!
• For god's sake people, Jerry Falwell's dead, we've got CatChuck™ all over the place, and all you can think about is funky hoodies? TAKE IT TO THE SHOUTING THREAD.
• My GF is hoodie-obsessed, too Huff! I am not "hoodie-obsessed"! This is my one-and-only hoodie, I'll have you know! It also happens to be the one thing I own which I can wear on chilly mornings and then tie around my waist on the way home when it's a million degrees out, and the sleeves are roomy enough so I can push them up at work without losing circulation. Obsessed, indeed! *adds HawthorneWingo's name to The List* PS I'm surprised no one's suggested playing Michael Bolton music for it.
• I'm surprised no one's suggested playing Michael Bolton music for it. Not recommended unless you're trying to seduce your hoodie. But in that case, a pitcher of Slippery Nipples might come in handy, too.
• Koko has a skanky tablespoon in her hoodie? what?
• Playing Michael Bolton would only result in more CatChuck™.
• Yes, Koko we understand, but does your hoodie have a pocket for tablespoons? Getting the funk out is all well and good, but what about the catchuck stains?
• *washes koko's hoodie in vinegar* *tosses some charcoal in fimbulvetr's trunk* *cleans Lara's carpet with shaving cream* /leaves vinegar for meredithea as cheaper and gentler alternative to other substances she's using. dumb kids
• Hitler!
• SHUT UP HITLER. YOU'RE HITLER.
• You know who else had a spoon?
• Kitardo Spoonface?
• Put on the hoodie and get into a knife fight with a skunk. They're terrible at holding knives and will probably opt to spray you instead. Then get a box of croutons (you'll need this later). Lend the hoodie to a homeless person (preferably male) and wait. Using a serrated knife, slice a average sized tomato into six equal pieces. Put two of the slices into a cup of black tea and drink the whole thing (this will give you the courage for the next step). At this point things start getting crazy. Johnny walks in and shouts, "not without my complex!" Then give Johnny three of the remaining shards of tomato. He should calm down. If he doesn't: repeat the mantra, "Quiply ship on terra doyle" until he fetalises. Take the box of croutons (they should be about a day old now - aren't you glad you remembered this step?) and go visit the homeless person. Offer him (preferrably) some raisins (if you've got any, but currants will do nicely in a pinch) as is the customary initiation of business transactions and ask him for the hoodie. He'll likely want to barter for it in croutons, but never let him know exactly how many you have because he'll want more than you actually do have, so estimate the number at about 20-25% less than the amount in the box. He should accept this providing you know the rules of chess. If you don't (and he'll figure this out with some ungainly questions) offer the entire box of croutons. As enticing as it may be, reject any offer of tablespoons as you don't know where they've been. When the transaction has been completed drag the hoodie home in a burlap sack on a long piece of string (4 to 5 feet should do) through the mud and any dirty creek which you might encounter. If you catch a crab: awesome! When you get home you should have a hoodie in which the rain-funk has bonded to Skunky-B.O.-McMudfunk and now all you have to do is get rid of that! I think there's an internet site about that. Oh yeah, and throw away the rest of the tomato because I forgot to tell you to put it in the fridge.
• I heard Vodka is an excellent smell remover... (via Mythbusters if I remember correctly). Since it's black... Oh, and.. .THERE IS NO SPOON!!!!!!
• NOT NOW BECAUSE WE THREW IT AWAY!
• Dammit, Pete's been in the garbage again. Bad Pete! Drop that spoon!
• Thanks, IChimp. Finally, someone with a sensible answer.
• I'm sticking with Cascade. You made that spot check yet, Koko?
• In Soviet Russia the spoon throws YOU away!
• TEASPOONISTAS!!!
• I've never met such a bunch or retards in all my life.
• > I'm surprised no one's suggested playing Michael Bolton music for it. THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S TOO FRACKING DANGEROUS. Directing the anti-funk at the funk might cause a chain reaction, obliterating all of the known funk in the universe and everything else along with it, including the tablespoon.
• I've never met such a bunch or retards in all my life. Well that's a good thing - we might have been those retards should you have met them.
• If whatever washing process you ultimately use does end up fading the colour, a mostly-cotton hoodie should dye back to black quite easily.
• I'm surprised no one's suggested playing Michael Bolton music for it. THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S TOO FRACKING DANGEROUS. Directing the anti-funk at the funk might cause a chain reaction, obliterating all of the known funk in the universe and everything else along with it, including the tablespoon. I think that it would be more likely to just leach all the color out.
• MonkeyFilter: obliterating all of the known funk in the universe and everything else along with it including the tablespoon
• Dammit, you kids have taken all the spoons outside to dig in the dirt, and I have nothing to stir my coffee with. GIMMIE that tablespoon! And get the funk offa my lawn.
• Gramma, you're supposed to stir your coffee with a butter knife!
• Why does Gramma's coffee spoon smell like whiskey?
• BTW I lied, I have 2 hoodies. But only two! I'm wearing the other one today. It smells nice. Sorry for lying.
• As the truth slowly filters out, I fail to see what the issue is? One has the funk, one is "funkless". You've got the best of both worlds! Do nothing. Don't take your Oz-funk for granted. Sniff it gently and let the aroma permeate the tendrils of your senses. Why, imagine the possibilities! We need the funk! We gotta have that funk!
• Sorry... couldn't come back to the computer because I've had a grouchy baby (and a grouchy Mr. meredithea, too, as a result) If you don't like to wash on hot, or if the hot setting in your washer isn't very hot, you can melt the Cascade by mixing it in a bowl with some water you've heated on the stove. You do need to melt it with hot water, though, or it'll just clump all over everything. Use an amount that'll melt well... say, half a cup or so?
• See! Cascade. Hot water. What more do you need. Get washing, girl!
• If we had a preview button, I might have been able to use the proper punctuation just then. Oh, well.
• If you wind up bleaching it, and it fades, and you want to dye it, don't get your hands in the dye. Use gloves, or else I have a tablespoon here somewhere that I could let you use.
• My brother used to clean fish for a living. Trust me when I say that is some smelly stinky penetrating stuff. He used to use a little liquid industrial oven cleaner in the wash to remove the smell and oil, and it worked very well. Check a near by resturant supply store.
• My husband came home yesterday after having dumped GALLONS of home heating oil all over his new work pants. GROSS! That stuff REEKS and is extremely hard to get out, oil stain and funk-wise I used Go-Jo on the spills--all down one leg--and washed in hothothot water three times, drying in the sun in between washes. Just rubbed that orange goo in by the handful. Third time washing was the charm. I think I'll wash those jeans one more time using Murphey's Oil Soap and then toss them in the dryer to make sure, before I put any other clothes with them. He says they're fine, but the sensitive BlueHorse funk detector wants to make absolutely sure there is no residual bleah-effect.
• Because Lara asked: So I tried soaking it in a solution of vinegar and water overnight, after which I rinsed it out good and threw it in the washing machine with the usual detergent. Result: slightly tangy funk. Next weekend I'll probably try baking soda, then dishwasher detergent.
• Goddammit, just soak it in Oxy Clean and a good strong detergent like Biz overnight like I told you to. It works. We funked up a load of laundry by letting it sit damp in the dryer for three days, and it came out fresh as a daisy after a good soak 'n' wash, though it smelled like freshly molested quidcorpse going in. Sure, it doesn't involve making a goddamn poultice or consulting your local Wiccan or doing the goddamn Dance of the Motherfucking Fairy People, but if you soak it in the good stuff overnight and then wash and dry it on a full cycle, IT WILL WORK. Sometimes chemistry works better than roots and berries and shit, hippie. If I can stick a modified rectal syringe full of salt water up my nose on your recommendation, you can trust me on USING SOAP. HITLER.
• It's the Laundry Nazi. Tonight on NBC! Try switching to decaf softener, my friend.
• THERE IS SALT WATER BEHIND MY FACE.
• WELL? Did ANYTHING work, or are you learning to rejoice in the FUNK that is YOU?
• Yeah, but see, then I'd have to buy Oxy Clean, which means I'd have to dig out my shopping list, find a pen, hope my attention span lasts long enough to remember what I got the list out for, write "Oxy Clean" on it, go to the store, hope that when I get there I don't look at it and say, "Oxy Clean?! Why the fuck is that on there?!", find the "soap" aisle, if there IS such a thing (seems a little too "fruity" for Canada, if you know what I mean), find a place for it in my basket amidst the pigs feet and the 70 jars of mustard, carry it to the front of the store without getting laughed at or worse, ARRESTED, explain to the horrified clerk why such a thing exists or why in God's name I'd want to buy it, convince him to ring it through for me, escape from the store and make it home with my life and my dignity intact, which is no easy thing on a good day, I can assure you. It just makes much more sense to leave all my clothes out on the balcony in a pile, so that's what I've done. Thank you all for your "helpful suggestions". On preview, pay attention Gramma!
• MCT, you made salt water spray out my nose! Monkeyfilter: It doesn't involve making a goddamn poultice or consulting your local Wiccan or doing the goddamn Dance of the Motherfucking Fairy People
• convince him to ring it through for me, Ahh ha! And what makes you assume your grocery store cashier is a man?! Sexist jerkface funky oppressor.
• Ahh ha! And what makes you assume your grocery store cashier is a man?! It's legislated that only men can handle produce in Canada. Hence the overwhelming numbers of male nurses which go south for the mad skrilla.
• Sometimes chemistry works better than roots and berries and shit, hippie. If I can stick a modified rectal syringe full of salt water up my nose on your recommendation, you can trust me on USING SOAP. HITLER This, coming from a man WHO HAS STILL ONLY RATED ONE MOVIE ON NETFLIX WHICH IS ONLY ONE MORE MOVIE THAN STALIN RATED
• Yeah, at least submit your rating of Steel Magnolias; you've watched it 23 times already so we know you love it.
• Koko, you forgot to add that you would have to do all of that while smelling like ass. You did say you had CASCADE, though.
• Ancient Chinese secret, huh??
• You've been getting wonderful advice from concerned Monkeys since May 15 and haven't rectified the funk. So basically you're stinky, lazy, and have pig's feet and mustard breath. I warsh my hands of you, young lady! Wallow in your funk.
• MonkeyFilter: haven't rectified the funk Unh! Ah-Goot gawd-ah! Himmenah!
• See how they can just turn on you? Frightening, isn't it?
• My soul doth rectify the funk And my spirit hath rejoiced in laundered hoodies
• Ralph, we never turned on you. We attacked you from day one.
• I love all of you SOBs. I will smother each and every one of you in my fetid armpit until you suffocate from my noxious love-scent. Breathe deep, my lovelies. Breathe deep.
• I have a good visual going on, and it appears that Koko does not shave her pits...
• She's a fucking slattern, that's why. Or French. Either way, it's bad.
• [Perhaps from dialectal slattering, slovenly, present participle of dialectal slatter, to slop.] Oooooo present participle! Hoot! Hoot!
• I'll participle you!!! /runs away sobbing
• snicker snicker smelly hooer hoodie snicker
• Some people just don't deserve to wear a hoodie.
• Hoodie fight!