April 30, 2007

Anonymous, George: How Do I Tell Him I'm a Damn Dirty Ape? So, after years of posting to MonkeyFilter, I think I want to tell my husband about this place.

I've swapped CDs and gifts and checked on you every day for years, but never once mentioned any of this to him. Mainly, I moved to a new town to be with him and suddenly didn't have anything that was mine, all mine, except MoFi and surfing the net with all the cool kids. Hiding it from him felt like it was MORE mine. But we're making a life together in this new place, and in the process I've realized that keeping it from him is counter-productive and stupid. If I can't share it with my husband, but I can tell thousands of monkeys, what kind of wife am I? Hmm. Anyway. That's not my question. Here are my questions. Has anyone else come out about posting online to a partner or spouse? What was the reaction? If you haven't come out, would you mind telling me what you are hiding (i.e., blog, MoFi identity, etc.), and if you can, a reason for keeping it under wraps? [Simian XY note: Any respondents who wish to remain anonymonkeys may comment through me using the same instructions on the Anonymous, George page.]

  • Unless there's some compelling reason, why reveal it? We all share things with friends that we would never share with our partner. It's not like you're having an on-line affair, is it? But then again, when it comes down to it, we're an acquired taste, and we're likely of no interest to those in the greater world...
  • [i am not a relationship expert] i think it's healthy for people in relationships to have things that are just their own. i also think sharing is fun. as (i can only assume) this was not explicitly covered in your marital vows, i think you're in the clear and don't need to feel dirty, either way you decide to go. [/ianare]
  • Monkeyfilter: We're an acquired taste, and we're likely of no interest to those in the greater world.
  • Monkeyfilter: It's Just A Website™
  • First you have to post some nude pics of your husband. Only then can we judge his worthiness.
  • Those close to me have always known i'm part of the monkey world. I'm not sure i would be comfortable doing this in complete secrecy. It would feel strange because it would be like sneaking off to a hobby. If i had to do that then either I'm not comfortable with the hobby or my friends aren't my friends. But that's me.
  • lol, homie!
  • Agree with the Cap. Unless there's some compelling reason, why bother? He's probably aware you do a thing or two on the internets, but if he hasn't expressed any particular interest in what, why snipple him with boring details? Anyone who asks, I tell them (as I told my wife when she asked) that it's a news and commentary web forum. Wat which point her eyes glazed over like she was trying out for the cornea implant team. To make a big production out of telling him will sound like a confession, and anytime anyone confesses anything to me? I always wonder what they're leaving out :) You're not doing anything wrong, you're leaving comments on a website. Not like you're spending evenings with a couple of hustlers in a bathtub full of coke while the kids learn all the fun things they can do with matches, right?
  • Hey, post a pic of hubbie masturbating to Internet pr0n. Sure it's been done before, but that's the point -- it's a fine way of introducing the n00b.
  • I told my significant other, and she even signed up with her own username and everything. After reading it for a while, though, she decided it wasn't for her and hasn't been back. If you've ever posted (or plan to post) anything here that you wouldn't want him to see, then don't tell him about it. If you're all on the up-and-up, then there's no harm.
  • So fertile... MonkeyFilter: It's not like you're having an on-line affair, is it? MonkeyFilter: when it comes down to it, we're an acquired taste MonkeyFilter: you're in the clear and don't need to feel dirty I could go on... Seriously, I certainly hope you don't mean "confess" as if you're doing something wrong, dear Simian. I'd suggest waiting till you see a post with a link you think he would be interested in, and sharing the link with him, but not necessarily the comments. Just mention you occasionally find interesting things on this filter, and joined so that you could comment. Why do you need to mention when you joined or how much you post? I wouldn't make a big deal about your user name, but if he asks, tell him. If he's like most spouses, he'll probably be underwhelmed, and if he happens to return, that's nice, too. I share occasionally things with Mr. BlueHorse that I think he'd like, but MoFi isn't near as uproarious to him as it is to me. No need to hide it unless it rules your life or it's twisted pRon.
  • My wife kept sending me interesting things she found here, and so I started reading, which lead to the desire to comment. I don't think I've posted yet, though.
  • So, you have been "hiding" MoFi from your husband? As in, you wait for a secret moment when you can peruse the hot poo-flinging hallways each day? I’m trying to understand your reasoning. I most definitely understand the need to have something for your OWN. Perhaps I too enjoyed having Monkeyfilter all to my own, as I didn’t tell Mrs. SMT about this place from the beginning – but I also saw no reason for hiding it in the long run. My concern is that even seemingly meaningless things can sometimes turn a nasty shade of turbidity if kept “secret” from a loved one. If there’s nothing to hide, then what’s the point? I second GramMa’s advice.
  • Let's leave the comments and jokey non-answers for other threads, please. Helpful comments are what CG and AG threads are for. I believe part of what the anonymonkey is going for here are suggestions of ways to bring it up that wouldn't be a big production, ways to just insinuate it into the discussion in a way that wouldn't make it a big deal.
  • Sorry, that should be "let's leave the taglines and jokey" &c.
  • My wife has a blog that I understand is fairly popular. She does not want me to read it, and I have no problem with that. I have never seen her blog, and I have never done a search for it. If I did do a search, I could probably find it. If she left it open on our computer at home, then I would minimize it and not look at it. I have an overzealous respect for privacy. I realize that most people are not like me, but I offer up advice because you asked for it. What you think your husband thinks or does not think is completely irrelevant to this decision. If you would like to share this with him, then do so. If you would not, then don't. He has no right to know this and if he complains about it at some point in the future then it will be he who is out of line, not you.
  • Monkeyfilter: I always wonder what they're leaving out
  • Maybe Simian's uncertainty might be about some of the role-and-word-playing here? That her husband, perusing the archives, could find the in-jokes and such a little too out there? If that's the case, guess it's better to keep it under wraps.
  • I third GramMa's suggestion. Call him over to look at an interesting post, and when he asks about Mofi, nonchalantly tell him this is your favorite online forum, etc. etc.
  • Do you think maybe he also has pastimes that he keeps from you? What is he doing while you're monkeying? If you have brought any personal problems into MoFi such that you feel he may be hurt in some way upon discovering them, a sock puppet might be wise!* Given that MoFi is now a secret pleasure for you, sharing it with him might lessen its value for you, but my guess is that he'll respond with a resounding "meh", and things will go back to what they were. Find a thread that might be of mild interest to him (I recommend anything about sea slugs, not ravens), show it to him and say, btw I find myself spending a lot of time lately at this site, whaddya think of it? The only thing that could go really wrong is you lose your delicious guilty pleasure. Or I suppose he could sign up and reveal to us what a poopstinker you are in real life! Kewl!
  • Or what minda25 said.
  • I've mentioned being part of a web community to spouse/daughter/friends. *yawns* /theirs. It's only as big a deal as you make it out to be.
  • Don't do it. It's the same as announcing that you're A member of the furry fandom You'll get the same blank stare
  • Tell 'em about the site, send over a link or two, then you've done all you need to do. If he responds, great. If not, meh. He's got work to do, he's a busy man!
  • There is one reaction that's worth talking about. And that is when you mention you belong to an "online community", and you get a kinda ewwwww look. As in: "I see you have no life" or "isn't that for flakes?". There's a mild stigma in some circles about having an online life, isn't there?
  • You think that's bad, SB, go on to tell to them about your last meetup. The eyebrows go from "I see you have no life" to "Hey! My friend may be a pervert!"
  • When I put those billboard photos up on flickr as part of our Auckland trip, all the friends and family I sent the link to asked, "What's up with all those billboards?" I told them it was for a discussion on MoFi and they pretty much all sort of rolled their eyes. I don't know why but I always feel a bit silly talking to non-internet users about this virtual place in which I spend a lot of my time. #2 isn't particularly interested in MoFi because he's browsed the same sites for, like a million years and we have arguments about who saw a meme first and whether MoFi won. When I do want to introduce someone, usually it's because of a particularly interesting link and I do what BlueHorse(?) said and casually bring it up and point them in that direction. Then it's up to them what they do. #2 and I don't hide our habitual web browsing from each other, but we don't feel the need to tell each other what we're looking at either unless it's something cool.
  • I agree that the best way is to mention interesting stuff you've seen here. The chances are you will find your husband isn't particularly interested (or he would have picked up on Mofi by now). Mrs Pleg has always been aware that this was a site of special interest to me (the wearing of the t-shirt and going out of an evening to meetups were a bit of a give-away). But she regards computers as tiresome but necessary workplace tools and I'm sure she never looks at Mofi (or, for that matter, either of my own blogs). My daughters are a different story. Because they are already basically interested, they frequently look over my shoulder to check whether there's another excellent cat picture or monkey-based game. (Unfortunately, with half the threads I have to switch suddenly to another tab as though I'd been caught browsing porn or something). They both also ask if they can have a blog of their own (10 and 13 - any advice?).
  • Ha ha - I'm the same. I wear the T-shirt so it's pretty obvious to Mrs K that I come here, but she's not into the internets in the same way I am and has never shown much interest. Plus, this is my little place and I don't think you need to share every little thing. Plus, all that bottoming for horses might put her off. Don't bother telling him, but don't hide it either. Not until he tells you about the granny porn he's been surfing.
  • Monkeyfilter: leave the comments and jokey non-answers for other threads
  • Interesting...I had no idea that this is considered such a guilty pleasure. I've always been quite casual in discussing my admittedly sporadic posting with the mate, it never having occurred to me to view the process as something meant to be furtive. Suddenly I feel so... so... dirty. Thanks, Simian XY! Really brightened up my Tuesday. *pulls cap down over eyes, thinks nasty monkey thoughts, plays suggestively with mouse*
  • When I bring up MoFi, what I get from the SO is the glazed-eyeball "Really? and THEN what happened?" look usually reserved for overly detailed descriptions of dreams. I give her the same when she starts talking about a bit of drama on the Australian shepherd list serve that she frequents. There's nothing to 'come out' about here, just a new subject to bore people with.
  • The poster might be involved to the extent of frequent email and/or chat exchanges with other MoFi members, and it could be uncomfortable explaining this correspondence to a significant other - I remember feeling odd mentioning an email exchange with a MoFite when my SO was fairly new on the scene. Even though there was nothing other than friendly chatter going on, it felt weird ("oh, btw, I got another email from this chap I've never met and you don't know...").
  • My girlfriend is on facebook which looks like child porn compared to this. But, on the other hand, what if he has been hiding MoFi from you, too? I'm sure you'll both laugh before the uncomfortable silence of knowing that both of you actually loathe each other's online persona. Egad! Not to be a dumbass, but shouldn't you be using Simian XX or am I out of touch with gender issues?
  • Busted!
  • Through the entire time I have been engaging in serial e-mail cybersex with fish tick, I have never told my spouse, oh, btw. if only someday she'd reply!
  • Not to be a dumbass, but shouldn't you be using Simian XX or am I out of touch with gender issues? Never assume gender from which one of us posts. We offer an option just in case someone would feel more comfortable communicating with a member of a specific gender to post their questions and/or comments.
  • I agree with kinnakeet as I was surprised at the concept of monkey-membership as a secret life. Perhaps the discerning factor is just how does the monkey reconcile with the person at the keyboard in the relationship.
  • Never assume gender from which one of us posts. We offer an option just in case someone would feel more comfortable communicating with a member of a specific gender to post their questions and/or comments. I wasn't assuming gender, I was assuming XY's sex from the declared gender in the original post (husband and wife rather than husband and husband), it's equally presumptuous, I know - I'm a dumbass. So XX/XY are metaphors for women and men's genders? Regardless, it's pretty confusing that we may not know (in cases like this) whether or not the person is actually desiring a gendered option - especially considering that the only options I have seen in CG posts are necessarily sexed (for the sake of gendering, I'm guessing); two choices, neither of which clearly offers complete anonymity only 'gender' plus anonymity. Might I suggest an anonymous third sockpuppet? That might even help if we have some third gender monkeys out there who don't identify with men or women's labels despite their sex. Sorry for the derail, folks.
  • i didn't do it.
  • I introduced my wife to MoFi, and my user self, at the same time. I showed her my comment in a thread about love and relationships (and loss), last year. All the comments about my comment said that it was sweet, and when she saw it she was charmed, too. I didn't even have to say that it was me, because she recognized it. I don't know if she has ever followed up, to see what I am saying. She has her own interests, and her own blog. She has made thousands of dollars from Adsense and referrals, so I assume that she is busy enough to not need my little world to entertain her. On the other hand, last night I was reading the continuing saga of our Capt. Reynolds, and his quest for [whatever], and she saw me grinning at it. She snuggled up, and we reviewed the one year quest together for half an hour. None of this answers the question in this post. Should it be a private world, or a shared one? Both have their attractions.
  • Dammit, InsolentChimp. now I've got the Pina Colada Song stuck in my head!
  • Now married couples are reading about my troubles and laughing. Well, that's just great. Nice to see that someone's enjoying themselves. Fuck almighty...
  • *points, snickers, mocks
  • Don't worry Louis, I know what'll cheer ya up! LETS WRASTLE! *strips naked / rubs goose fat into hairy body / wiggles fingers* The above is one reason why I choose not to go out of my way to share Mofi
  • > Has anyone else come out about posting online to a partner or spouse? I've been fairly open about MoFi to mrs roryk. She's a regular at some parenting-related online communities, but she's not shown much interest in MoFi. Sometimes we swap stories about how weird internet people are.
  • Yeah, those parenting people are teh strange.
  • Don't worry, Simian. That special night in Vegas will always remain something between you and me. BTW, the rash went away, and you never did pay me back for the goat rental...