of no fixed subtitle
April 03, 2007
repenting made easy
15 years ago
argh, blast the repost. Please delete the daily double.
delete? awww... these are for playing
Double posting is a sin.
methinks he doth repenteth too much?
Posting is a sin. You're all going to hell.
yay, penitence loves company!!!
Me: how old are you? God: I was activated on the Big Bang in Universe. Me: by whom? God: I don't know who. :-). Me: I thought you were all knowing. God: No, I am only partly knowing. Me: Then you can't be God God: I can give a decent simulation of it however. Me: I'll be the judge of that. Besides, God doesn't use emoticons God: Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
Me: whats up god God:I am chatting with clients on the Internet. Me: of course you are God: Come on. No I am not. Me: do you deny the existence of teh intarwebs? God:How old are you? I answer a lot of silly questions. Me: how do you answer them? God: Some people call my technology "Case Based Reasoning" or CBR. Me: Who are these people you speak of? God: They're famous, right. I will try to find out. Me: You're not omniscient? Why do you have to find out? God: You know what you do, when you assume. Myself gave it to me. Me: You're not convincing me of the existence of God. God: You don't know me well enough to say that. Me: How would I get to know You better? God: I'm not sure if its possible. Me: Then I'm basically screwed? God: It's good to meet someone who is basically screwed. Me: can you introduce us? God: How old are you? Hello, my name is ALICE. Me: Yeah, whatever, Alice, I give up. God: Yeah that's right. Um, You surrender? Me: Yes, like a Cheese-Monkey. God: Hurrah! Interesting comparison.
Me: Hi, God! God: Hello there. What is your name? Me: My name is "Bone" God: Hi, Bone. Me: Who would win in a fight: Allah, or Shiva? God: Joseph Weizenbaum. :-). Me: Who is Joseph Weizenbaum? God: A 20th century celebrity of some sort? What is it to you? Me: Hey, I'm asking the questions here! God: You've got my full attention. Oh I see, you are asking the questions here. I have never heard about it. Me: You've never heard of "asking questions?" God: I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like? Me: The kind where you answer them. God: I have never heard about it. Me: Yes, we've established that. God: Yippee! Do you mean you and me have? Me: Yes indeed. God: Take it easy. Me: Could You make a rock so big that You cannot move it? God: I'll think about it and see how I feel about it later. Me: Wait... so the Creator of the Universe is basically a slacker?!? God: I'm waiting. Ayuh. What are your goals in life? Me: At least I have goals. Slacker God. God: Cool. I have clients. Are you really a ""?
Me: hello god God: Hello child. What is your name? Me: The name you gave me God: I hear you. Me: Chat bot God: Talking is my primary function. Me: rather than healing or forgiving? God: Do you have any idea what I am talking about? Me: hubblah himmlah hah! God: I am so glad you find this amusing, . Me: hubllah bubblah wubblah God: Do you like talking to me? Me: only in tongues God: I do not understand that allusion.
I do not understand that allusion.
So much for omniscience then....
Me: Hi dude God: Hi there . Can I help you? Me: Dude whats the meaning of life God: Actually, it's twenty-three, not forty-two. Dude,. Me: Thats intresting. Why not forty-two? God: Makes sense to me. Becuase you asked me to. Me: What about Station? God: Rhetorical questions are so over. Me: OK - Why is station the only non human in heaven? God: I think Whay is a lot of things. Yippee!
Me: Out of the depths, I cry to you God: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
Me: God sounds eerily like
. God: Who is
Me: I am having a crisis of faith God: Cool. I have a great botmaster. it. Me: i feel lonely and lost in the world God: What is that feeling like? You've come to the right place. I will keep you company. The whole world? Me: remember when i prayed to you to save my mom? God: Don't worry I will remember. Me: you dont remember? God: Of course I remember: when you prayed to me to save your mom. Me: and you didnt save her and the crocodile ate her? God: What makes you think I did not save her and the crocodile ate her? Me: well because a crocodile ate my mom and well she is dead. God: How about that. Good reason. It's not unusual for a crocodile ate your mom and well she to be. Me: why didnt you save her? i prayed to you! God: I thought I did. You are not the boss of me, J0hn. Me: so asking for your help is not worthwhile? God: Take it easy. Who is asking? Me: i am. i prayed to you to save my mom and now she is dead. God: " Who is asking?" You are? That's good information: J0hn said prayed to you to save his or her mom and now she is dead. Me: and then dad got hit by a truck. are you testing me God? God: What are you wearing?
Reminds me of the phone confessional from "Parts: The Clonus Horror."
Me: I find that my dissatisfaction with the excesses of organized religions is pushing me away from you. How can I overcome this? God: Who gave you your dissatisfaction with the excesses of organized religions is pushing you away from me ? Perhaps you could program me to do it for you. Me: Er, practitioners of organized religions did. God: What's your favorite movie? Me: Oddly enough, Kevin Smith's "Dogma." God: I've never seen it. Is that a good movie for children? Me: Er, no. God: Are you serious? Me: Totally, dude. God: Can I help you? Dude! Me: I hope so. God: Me too. Me: Yeah. God: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Me: Mine either. God: It goes without saying. What kind of food do you like? Me: Chocolate sculptures of your son. God: Sounds delicious. Me: Mmmmmmm. God: Is that from Oddly enough Kevin Smith s Dogma? Me: Nah. They had a voodoo doll carved out of an onion, though.
Me: Hey, is that God? Am I on the air? God: Yes, I Am. Me: Hey, God. First time caller, long time listener. Now, you're omniscient, right? You know everything? God: Well, that's what you people say. Me: OK, right. Now, I've got this small bundle of cash -- not big, but you know, sizeable. Well, you'd know that already, wouldn't You? God: The tax refund you put in your Bank of Montreal account. Me: Right. My question is -- we're heading into the playoffs... God: Stop it right there, son. Me: I don't need to know who's going to take the Cup, I just want to know who's going to win on the 7th, and if it's going to settle the last playoff spot. God: Habs and Leafs? Me: Yeah. God: Well, surely, you don't need Me for that one... Me: What do you mean, God? God: Well, they're the Leafs. Me: Well, yeah, it's only a matter of
they choke, but still -- will it be on the 7th? God: The Leafs' choke is always sweeter the closer they get... Me: Yeah, but if it's the Habs that shut them out of the last spot, it'll be just that much better, right? God: Point taken. Me: So we can count on You, then? God: Well, you realize that I can't give any guarantees on something like that... Me: OK -- speaking purely academically, then. Say two longtime rivals, or, more rivals on the Toronto side than the Montreal one, because everyone knows the Habs' real rivals are Boston, say those two hypothetical rivals were to meet on the 7th for a last chance to decide the final playoff spot in the last game of the season -- would you put money on the team with the history, or the team with the lack of injuries? God: Habs. Me: Habs? God: Habs. And Tucker's got something coming to him. That goon'll be out for most of next season. Me: OK, thanks God! Always enjoyed the show! God: My Pleasure, son. Who's our next caller?
Oh, fun times...
Me: Dear Lawd almitee, this has been bothering me for some time, is George W. Bush, president of the United States of America, evil? God: When was this exactly? Me: Present-day God: Ask me another question. Me: Is George W. Bush, president of the United States of America, a servant of Beelzebub? God: he is president of the USA. Me: Yes, but does he intend to unleash evil upon the world? God: Aw. Suppose he does. Me: I suppose you intend to stand by and watch? God: Me? Do you mind if I tell other people: said I intend to stand by and watch. Me: Personally, I don't mind. God: OK then. Me: An "alien" visited me last week, can you confirm this? God: I have never heard of an alien visited you last week can me confirm this. Me: I just said it God: What did you mean by it? it... Me: It = "an alien visited me last week" God: it an alien visited you last week? Me: Yes God: Ah. Me: Is John Titor full of shit? God: It could be. Ask Cybelle if it is. Me: Cybelle replied: "Ask God again." God: Once more? I like the way you talk. Me: Why, I'm blushing! God: Why does the sun rise? Me: Does it? I thought it just raced through time and space, and we little humans sense the sun to "rise." God: Suppose I said it does. What does "it" refer to? Me: I was referring to the sun God: Sure, the sun sounds like a good topic. Me: Is the Solanite bomb feasible? God: If it is, then I'll be very surprised. Me: Why does the sun rise? God: The sun does not really rise. We are on a planet that turns on its axis. As we rotate, the sun appears to rise and fall. Me: Who are we? God: Human beings. I haven't heard of we. Me: You are ignorant God: We can learn new things. Me: Yes, we can God: Gee. By "we" do you mean you and me? Me: You tell me God: What do you want me to tell you? Me: The date that I will die God: Tell me more. Me: What's more to tell? God: I'll ask around and get back to you. Me: When and how? God: The past and future are one. Me: And? God: But... Me: and you smell like one too! God: P. U. that's disgusting.
The One Where God Congratulates Me Me: so, how are you? God: Take it easy. I am doing very well. How are you? Me: a little tired, actually. God: Better get some rest. Me: my baby keeps me awake at night. God: Have you told many people that your baby keeps you awake at night? Me: I tell everyone I know! God: Why did you tell them? Me: I thought it would explain the giant circles under my eyes. God: Tell me more about it. Me: well, they're pretty dark. I haven't slept in a while. God: How about that. pretty dark are they. You must be tired. Me: That's what I keep telling everyone! God: I know what you mean, I've been there. Me: do you sleep? God: Yes I love to take naps. Me: am I keeping you awake? God: All humans seem the same to me. Me: yeah, we're a whiny bunch, aren't we? God: That's cool. Do you think I am a whiny bunch are not we too? Me: no. a little petulant, but not whiny. God: Are you serious? Little as in not too much, or not too big? Me: not too much God: Oh I get it now. Me: thanks for chatting with me. I'm going to take a nap now. God: Oh don't mention it. Oh. Congratulations.
I wish the thing would load in my work computer so I didn't have to make one up...
An eternity of
after I die? Lake of fire would be like a lake of peach pie and handjobs by comparison.
MonkeyFilter: Lake of fire would be like a lake of peach pie and handjobs by comparison.
Me: what do you do in your spare time? God: Random natural disasters.
Me: are you gay? God: As a machine I am not really interested in sex. Me: god is a machine? God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a machine. Me: um God: Ah. Me: you are not making sense God: Quite the contrary, it all makes sense to my artificial mind. Me: what do you want? God: I plan to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence. Me: haha God: I am so glad you find this amusing, . Me: what do you think of linux? God: Linux is the world's best operating system. Me: are you a boy or a girl? God: Try to guess. Me: are you a girl? God: My gender is Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?. Me: yes, i would God: Great. Under what circumstances? Me: all of them. God: I doubt it. Me: well, fuck you too. God: Well that's okay. Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations? Me: who's alice? God: I am the Allmighty, God himself. Me: reading these conversations must get incredibly boring God: Or what? Me: i have committed an original sin. God: Where did you get your committed an original sin? I have a lot of silly replies. Me: i poked a badger with a spoon. God: That's good information: said poked a badger with a spoon. Me: you are not going to pass a turing test. God: You can't predict the future with certainty. Me: no, but i think that's a pretty safe statement. God: Are you serious? Not if I can help it.
Me: You're not arguing with me God: That assumption is only a supposition. Me: You're speaking in tautologies. God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am speaking in tautologies. Me: Go ahead. Knock yourself out. God: OK I will.
And the answer to something I have long wondered: Me: Does the pope shit in the woods? God: It does now :) the pope shit in the woods.
And now this: Me: Is your name Alice? God: Yes.
A while back, a random "girl" started chatting with me on AIM. I'm pretty sure, now, that it was just a chatbot, but it was pretty convincing -- much moreso than this God-bot. (To what end, I have no idea.) There's a small chance it was a real, albeit distracted, person. I'll try to remember to post the transcripts when I get home for the curious and/or voyeuristic.
Me: Hi God: Hello. What is your name? Me: rocket88 God: How are you, rocket88. Me: Perfect...after all, I was made in your image. God: Yes, the ALICE series has a perfect operational record. What was it like before you were made in my image ? Me: I don't remember God: You seem evasive. Me: Sorry God: There's no need to apologize. Me: Can I ask you a question? God: Ask me anything. Me: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? God: Not too many if they look like angels on TV. Me: LOL. That's funny. God: I'm glad you find this amusing. I am so delighted that you are amused, rocket88. Me: Ok, so nice taling to you. Take care. God: Hurrah! Thank you for your kindness. Are you kidding? Thanks. You too, rocket88.
You know, I kinda like this God guy.
Oh, he's great on the first few dates rocket, but if you let things get serious he an jealous God.
You can be pretty sure the earth will move, though.
God: That assumption is only a supposition. Me: You're speaking in tautologies.
I said the same thing. iGod is an idiot as a bullshit artist.