November 22, 2006

• Be clear and straightforward, is the main thing: let people be sure what's expected. I don't think you'll be able to stop them giving you gifts, though. When's the big day?
• Sometime in January. It's a bit of a weird situation in that he's immigrating from England. His embassy interview and medical are at the end of Dec. Barring any unforseen problems (like he's found to have TB or something), he should be here mid-Jan, and we're getting married at the courthouse within a week. Weird, I know :)
• "Shower" means gifts, and people will feel obligated to bring them. It's generally considered rude to mention gifts at all on an invite even to say "no gifts please", so no, there isn't a polite way to put that. If she calls it a shower and then, by word-of-mouth, passes on not to bring gifts, very likely some people will still bring them anyway. "Throwing a bridal shower" means "a friend of the bride providing a party at which the guests bring gifts for the bride". Your friend cannot provide the party, and you don't want the guests to bring gifts. I don't think this is a bridal shower. Why call it one? Call it something else - girls' night out? Bride's last fling? Party in honor of the bride? To send out an invitation rather implies the sender is going to provide the food, drink, pay for location, etc. It could be tricky to send out an invitation to go to a restaurant and still convey that the recipient is expected to pay their own way. Should she send out invites to this sort of set-up, keep them very casual, or even do evites. Something your friend could do would be to hold a potluck (and BYOB) to celebrate at her house. That covers lack of funds, and isn't going to be mistaken for an obligatory gift-giving occasion unless you persist in calling it a shower. Sending out an invite of this sort would be fine. If "potluck" is too church-supper, have everyone bring "cocktails and hors d'oeuvres", something like that. Best wishes on your impending marriage! =)
• Maybe it would be best to avoid using the term "shower" altogether, since that automatically brings to mind "Free food, bring a gift" in people's minds. Maybe just a note saying somehing to the effect of "I'd love to get together for lunch to celebrate Topolino's engagement. Let's meet at ; their entrees cost about $10-15." Then, some statement more tactful than I can come up with involving some variation on the term "going dutch?" Then maybe spring for a bottle or two of wine for everyone, if it's possible.
• I'm in agreement with the last two. It's not a shower if it doesn't have all the usual shower attributes. It's just an engagement-celebration get-together. The potluck is a really great idea!
• Me too. Showers are for gifts, parties are for celebrating. (And from my experience, they're a lot more fun, too.) Etiquette isn't going to help you here -- the general rule of thumb is that you throw the kind of party you can afford without asking your guests to pay for their own entertainment, even if it's very simple -- the hospitality is the point, not what's on the buffet table. (I wouldn't take that to exclude BYOBs and potlucks, though, especially if it's generally accepted among your group of friends that none of you has the resources to pay for everyone else.) (And if that's not generally accepted among your group of friends, please introduce me.) Another option, though, is to just be humorously straightforward on the invitations: Due to the incredibly elaborate and expensive wedding you've planned, you simply can't afford to feed a restaurant full of freeloaders, so in lieu of giving you a bunch of ugly tchotchkes you'll only end up putting in a garage sale next spring, would they please just buy their own damn dinners, and oh yeah, a drink for the bride as well. :) Congratulations!
• Mrs. Doohickie says what you're having is not a bridal shower; it is a bachelorette party. Word as such (but don't trust my spelling of bachelorette) and you should be okay.
• You're all invited to my shower. (See? Easy.) / hey, easy with the loofah!!
• You're making chowder?
• That's chow-dah, CHOW-DAH! Say it!
• Please consider the popular RalphTheDog Bridal Shower Service. Our motto: Where the Full Monty is Only the Beginning.
• Can you call it a "bachelorette party" or "hen party" on the invitation? Okay, I know the first term is cumbersome and the second term is dodgy, but they both contain the idea you're trying to convey.
• Thanks everyone! I talked my friend out of calling it a bridal shower. Actually, we can't really afford a wedding either. We're just gonna sign some papers. Regardless though, I think weddings are a huge waste of money (you'd never believe how relieved the future-Mr.Topolino was to hear that). I didn't want an engagement ring either since I'd never wear it and I'd prefer something that actually entertains me. I asked for an engagement PlayStation and a hot tub. Got the PlayStation; still waiting on the hot tub. We do plan, in a year or so, after we've saved up some money, to throw get-to-know-the-new-in-law parties in the US and in England. From what I've heard about my fiance's friends and family in England, we'll end up spending as much money on liquor as it would take to buy a small car. Yikes! :P
• I thought that this thread could benefit from my wife's expertise. Without further ado, here she is: You cannot have a shower and have people pay for their own food. It's very bad etiquette. Even a bachelorette party at a restaurant someone would need to pick up the tab. One idea that I thought was really cool when I was planning was a dessert shower. Desserts are very cheap and very cute. Make like 3 different desserts, serve hot tea and champagne (or something), and it will be very inexpensive and still very elegant and playful. Otherwise, if you insist on going to the restaurant I agree with another poster who said to make it super casual, no invites and just a verbal, "hey we're getting together at such-and-such restaurant to celebrate the wedding." Even then it's tricky and somehow you have to be upfront without saying it costs this much or whatever. As far as gifts, let people shower you, they want to and it's the whole point. It's the only time in your life that you will have this kind of attention and presents like this. Enjoy it.
• A new term that I've just started to hear is of throwing a "sprinkle" rather than a "shower." (Yeah, the term is almost unbearably cutesy, but it could serve your purpose.) You call it a sprinkle and you can define what happens -- gifts or no gifts, who pays for what, etc -- and it's still a pre-wedding celebration w/o the baggage of terms like bachelorette party (where people expect lots of "woo hooooo! Strippers!" and the like)
• And as for the wording of gifting, you could say something like "Your presence at the celebration is all the gift we need." (Again, semi-cutesy but effective!)
• Oh, so you DON'T want my wedding cake sculpture made out of white bath towels? Well, I DID keep the gift receipt. Will we at least get to make you a comical bridal gown out of tissue paper and Scotch tape? And write down everything you say and then read it out later as a list of comments you'll make on your wedding night? Yes, boys, what you always suspected is true: you're not missing much.