September 14, 2006

• Dammit--that Post Title was meant to be "Onion Scoops Real News Again" with the sidebar as "Holy fuck." Wha happened? I previewed, I swear! :(
• Man, did I screw up this post. Here's what was meant to be following the first link there: Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet To be truthful, sex is the only time I pray any more, in both praise and supplication. "Holy God! Sweet Jesus!" to "Dear Lord, please don't let me--urf--God damn it..." I don't know what happened. I thought I'd previewed. I apologize.
• Joe Beam? He related to Jim?
• And in Italy Sister tries to burn out Father for screwing around.
• So, the entire post is about a bunch of articles in The Onion about people who want to have sex? Is there any real, live, actual news buried somewhere in that post?
• . . . walks to the front of the room and proceeds to tell the men in the audience how to make their semen taste better. Sweet stuff works, he says, which provides a built-in excuse because "then you can say, 'I'm eating this cake for you, baby!'" Welcome to the world of hot Christian love. Oh God! Oh God yes! Oh fuck! Aaaahhh! heh. Good times. “Christians should be having great sex lives! We should be having better sex than anybody else!" You know why they're not though, right? Cause that'd be important.
• It's all about the pineapple.
• OK, never mind found it. I somehow don't think this going to go over well with the Southern Baptists.
• Shouldn't their argument be "Have hot sex, produce lots of little Republicans, and bring about God's rule on earth"?
• Sorry, dmn, as I said, I eeked my own post. It would have made much more sense if my intended layout had been the one I approved in the end, with the "Onion Scoops Real News Again" headline instead of "Holy Fuck," which I meant as the sidebar only. Or maybe not. At any rate, I thought it would be a good jumping-off point to talk about religion and hot sex, but I screwed it all up, so I will gladly agree with everyone that the post sucks and not post an FPP again for a super long time, so there. Happy? In the actual news article I buried up there, I was most surprised by this quote: "Even anal sex is OK if (and Beam believes this is a big if) it does no harm to the body." Gimme that Astroglide religion...
• No no no... this is the authentic Minister Loves to Fuck His Wife story.
• AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! I even got the "Local Luteran Minister Loves to Fuck His Wife" linke wrong! I SUCK! *turns on gas*
• *pats Tenacious P gently on the back* There there, Pettles. Wipe away those tears. See how other monkeys stepped up and fixed your linkies without accusing you of ineptitude? It's the bright, warm fuzzy love of The Laward. Rejoice! "It was when you saw only one set of footprints that I was carrying you...and fucking the snot out of you."
• And I can't spell in the vacuum I've created either! Yoiks!
• God comes in mysterious and copious ways, Mr. P - no worries
• (administrator, please hope me!)
• “Christians should be having great sex lives! We should be having better sex than anybody else!" Yep. Once again, Christians deserve the best of everything because they're Christians.
• *fires up the trasignal*
• Bullshit, nunia, those are clearly my footprints. You're right about the fucking, though. Thanks.
• In that MSNBC article, go halfway down, and click on the "America Unzipped" infographic. You'll be treated to "America Unzipped: On the Road with Sexploration." Wow.
• *pounds Pettle's kidneys whilst being carried* Put me down, you brute! You smell like onions.
• And, to rub salt in the wound, I have this to disturb your prayers. Heathens.
• Now, I try to keep myself open-minded and all, but I just can't stop laughing at that fucked-up shit! Man oh man, that's the worst porn I've ever read! I haven't laughed at someone's stupid perversion like this since horse-bottoming guy. Thank you, nunia! May we all be so lucky as to feel Jesus' bukkake-spray in our lifetimes!
• Glad I didn't click on that at work. *sends home to bookmark*
• I DID click on that at work. *shakes fist*
• Loving Jesus makes sense to me, creepy as it is. This explains all those teenage wet dreams, and those erections in high school, the pedophile.
• I just love how He casts aside her thong as she comes running to Him. That's -- that's beautiful, man... *sniff*
• MonkeyFilter: You're right about the fucking, though. Thanks. My work here is done.
• Well done, Pete. MonkeyFilter: Is there any real, live, actual news buried somewhere in that ANY post?
• In other news, Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video. Outraged community members are claiming that the tape does not contain the "Spectacular All-Anal Action" promised on its cover. The Onion's pretty funny when they do dirty stories.
• You know, now that we've moved on into biblical slash-fic and Jesus bukkake, I don't feel so bad about screwing up the original post. Is The Bastard Son of the Lord page still up? I know it's ancient internet history by now, but I used to get lots of blasphemous laughs from the tales of Jesus and his boyfriend Steve. Can't check the domain from work, obviously. Jesus rocks nads!
• I DID click on that at work. *shakes fist* Sorry Lara. I didn't see any hardcore pics in that site (and the language there is no more explicit than in this very thread, which is apparently SFW), so I didn't add the NSFW tag to it. I owe you a My Bad.
• Because Your Bad! Your Bad! Ya know it!-ah! Wooo! *spins* "It was teh Jesus! Teh Jesus got to me!" He said in a later interview
• Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
• Pettle for the win!
• 9.5
• I put those two links at the start of the post, TenaciousP. Hope that helps?
• Is The Bastard Son of the Lord page still up? Not unless little Jehovah, Jr. is attending ITT Tech and playing Party Poker.
• Thanks, tracicle--you're the best site admin EVAR! :)
• kissass
• crawler!
• Jesus loves me better than you. And more often.
• very NSFW I'm not sure if that link works. It could be ytmnsfw.com instead. I'm sure as hell not going to check it here. Seriously, don't click that at work.
• I just love how He casts aside her thong as she comes running to Him. But notice he's looking at you, as if to say, "you're next. Get ready for the second coming!"
• Occasionally on Sunday we sing a hymn titled "I Come With Joy." I giggle like a twelve-year-old everytime. Never have made it through the whole song.
• Occasionally on Sunday we sing a hymn titled "I Come With Joy." So, your church prefers to use a lemon-sceneted lubricant? Do you squeak like clean plates when you rinse?
• Friend of mine is getting married to a woman named Joy. We should sing this at the ceremony. Hi-lar-i-ous!
• How about these guys?
• "Squeak like clean plates" is my new euphemism for female ecstasy. But when will I get to use it? *sob*
• Yeah but TP . . who cares?! Hah?! Ha haaa!! Yeaahhhhhh!! Whoooo! *clinks beer mugs, throws popcorn* Ha ha! Ahh nah, nah just kiddin' ladies, just kiddin'. Your sexual satisfaction is our number one priority. I mean that. . . . *snkK!* AH hAaaAaaa!! Ah I knew I couldn't keep from laughing! WhooO! too funny! Hey! Let's drink some more! Yeeeahhhhhh!!
• Occasionally on Sunday we sing a hymn titled "I Come With Joy." I giggle like a twelve-year-old everytime. Never have made it through the whole song. Flashes me back to my teen years, when we'd add "between the sheets" to the ends of the hymn titles and snicker ourselves out of eternal salvation.
• On Easter, my wife likes to sing: Up from the grave he arose With a bunch of stuff between his toes Her parents do not appreciate the humor of that.
• MCT, when I was a kid singing that song, I always thought that a "Victor from the dark domain" was something to do with RCA Victor.