July 10, 2006

How to Make a Sandwich
posted by Scary Corn Imp 17 years ago
  • I've been doing it wrong all this time. Thank you, Scary Corn Imp!
  • Trouble at mill!
  • One o't cross beams 's gone owt askew on t' treddle!!
  • I'm sorry, I don't understand a word you just said.
  • I always fail at the 'fold bread' stage. Damn.
  • I don't get it. What do you do with the cup of milk?
  • And what's the knife for?
  • bah, missed out on recreating the Spanish Inquisition sketch What interests me is that a) this is from 1995, & b) that the writer has used the term jam.
  • How should I cite this paper in my thesis? I see he's a PhD... what institutions are he affiliated with?
  • I have several complaints/quibbles here. 4. Fold bread in half. I have to interpret this as being about making a half-sandwich. 5.EAT!!!!! So, this is not about making a half-sandwich, but about destroying it. And therefore is misleading. And in any case, why not vegemite instead of peanut butter?
  • I use the term jam. You guys don't use jam down under?
  • Yes, very good points from the honorable bees. Intriguing.
  • "You guys don't use jam down under?" Well, yes, of course, it's just that I thought the jam + peanut butter recipe was called peanut butter & jelly sammitch by the Yanks. It doesn't seem to be popular anywhere else.... I could be wrong.
  • Yes, in fact, what is on the label of American jam? Is it labelled jelly? What's the story, there?
  • *This course requires prerequisite course 121A: How to toast bread.
  • Somebody needs to invent a loaf of pre-toasted bread.
  • /quickly patents idea
  • Course 121A: How to toast bread requires corequisite course 120C: How to buy a toaster.
  • Monkeyfilter: You guys don't use jam down under? Nice duble-entendre for those not accustomed to that term for the Land of Oz. Ha!
  • Heeeey-oh!
  • Remedial course 101: How to tell jelly from jam and jam from preserves. Jelly is a clear gel substance the consistancy of ...er...jelly--that may or may not be made from strained fruit--could be fruit juice, or maybe just crayons boiled in water. Jam is a thicker gel substance that contains bits of real fruit and contains much more yummyness for your bread. Preserves (or conserves) are REAL FRUIT stomped down and boiled thick enough to stand a spoon in and chew the fruit. Now THAT'S some good eatin' And everybody knows that a real pb&j should be TWO slices of bread spread thick, with the peanut butter (chunky only) on one side, and the preserves on the other side, then wacked together hard enough to make the filling ooze. And for those of you in the Southern hemisphere: Jam it down under, kids. *GramMa wipes hands, spits
  • Sometimes a jar will say preserves (less common now than formerly), and homemade ones are usually called preserves, perhpas the laborious process by which they're made weighing on people's minds. Jam seems to have more lumps in it, where as jelly is a more uniform and lumpless product, I would say, but I'm no expert. Something called conserves out there, too. Not at all sure what that means other than something sort of sweet and sticky. Contents of fridge and pantry seem to include, at the moment: Blueberry Jam (homemade, local, slightly lumpy, dark purple colour and opaque, flavour -blah), Red Current Jelly (commercial, clear and a visually attractively tranlucent red-orange), 'Apricot: an all natural preserve', (import4ed product, darkish orange crammed with lumps), Ginger and Orange Marmalade (product of France), Red Raspberry 'a pure preserve', (commercial, lumps and seeds, dark reddish, and rather too runny according to the kitchen gods). And of course, homemade honey, which I'd lump into this whole category of sweet sticky things to smear on bread or biscuit.
  • Thanks for the info. Jam was one of my hated foods as a kid. "This has THINGS in it!!!"
  • Better to stick to honey.
  • Peanut butter + jam = teh old Peanut butter + tuna = great new recipe, you're welcome.
  • Peanut butter and mashed banana = timeless. But not quite as good as ginger-garlicky shrimp and peanut butter.
  • "jam down under" - K-Y makes JAM now?!? And does "Dr. Alex Dodge" hold his doctorare in sammich-makin'?
  • Somebody needs to invent a loaf of pre-toasted bread. The Mexicans already did. It's called Pan Tostada. The favorite brand is Pan Bimbo. (Sorry a link search was frustrating.) Problem is that it isn't hot when you spread on the peanut butter, so you miss the meltiness factor.
  • Oh, and Has anyone else here tried peanut butter and dill pickles?
  • Had peanut butter and bread-and-butter pickles when I was a child. That's pretty good. And thank you for explaining the jam/jelly/preserves thingy, Gramma. Nobody understands us and our fruits. Hey, don't forget compote! *runs away, giggling*
  • You people are disgusting. Ugh.
  • "And in any case, why not vegemite instead of peanut butter?" simply thinking of vegemite makes me want to vomit.
  • MonkeyFilter: "This has THINGS in it!!!" Well, have a coke, then. (instead of a hissy fit) Here's a compote I know you'll like: Home > Healthy Living > Healthy Food > Desserts/Baked Goods Recipes > Winter Fruit Compote - Recipe Wellness Calculators Winter Fruit Compote - Recipe More Desserts/Baked Goods Recipes Solutions By Annie B. Bond, Executive Producer of Care2 Living Content A few months ago I shared with you a Plum Brule recipe given to me by my Scottish-born and raised friend, Judith Asphar, a wonderful cook. The Brule is such a divine recipe that I tried to make it recently, but not surprisingly I was unable to find plump, ripe, organic plums. My heart set on making something similar, I called her and asked what she suggested as a winter substitute. “Oh, Duckie, just use dried fruit instead! When they are roasted in organic orange juice the result is equally as good tasting as roasted plums.” Obediently, I went off to the health food store and made the dish with apricots, figs, prunes, cranberries, and mangos. Here is Judith’s recipe for Winter Fruit Compote - with her words of cooking wisdom included in the directions: Simple Solution: printer friendly version INGREDIENTS --4 cups or more of organic dried fruit. Suggestions include a combination of prunes, apricots, figs, cranberries, and mangos. --1 organic tangerine per 4 cups of organic dried fruit --2+ cups organic orange juice Combine the dried fruit in a large and heavy roasting pan with a cover, such as a Le Creuset casserole dish. Quarter the tangerine and stir in, peels and all. Stir in the organic orange juice, and cover. Place in a slow oven - 300-350 F - and roast slowly for 2-3 hours, stirring in more orange juice as the liquid is absorbed by the fruit and evaporates (check every 20 minutes or so). Serve with a shortbread biscuit, cookies, dessert bread, or whatever appeals, and top with organic whip cream (Grand Marnier tastes great with this compote if added to the cream). And before Chy can do it...RECIPEFILTER!
  • It's called Pan Tostada The Pan Tostado as sold by Bimbo is more like dissecated foam with a healthy sprayed-on brown coloring so it looks 'toasted'. Good for dipping and support for peanut buttter+marmalade, but no match to real toast.
  • Monkeyfilter: like dissecated foam with a healthy sprayed-on brown coloring
  • Peanut butter and mashed banana = timeless. I love these. Even better if you do them in a toastie toastie machine.
  • bull semen
  • *guards jars of homemade blackberry preserves and peach butter* *hearts mother*
  • Bimbo bread is publicly traded I rate it a "Strong Buy"
  • Peach butter???? A new pleasure!
  • they're justified and they're ancient and they like to roam the land they're justified and they're ancient i hope you understand pre-toasted bread (pain grille or just "toasts") is available in french supermarkets. it's generally overdone and a bit gack, but it lasts for ever so it's a handy back-up food.
  • t's generally overdone and a bit gack, but it lasts for ever so it's a handy back-up food. Or rock, if ye run short of rocks.
  • I put the peanut butter on the bread. Then it told me to put jam on the bread. (The only bread available was on the non-peanut buttered side, that one now being peaunut butter.) Then things got impractical. This is hard!!
  • God I'm starving! This 'fruit' stuff of which people talk is allright, but I could murder a nice white bread jam and peanut butter butty right now. Shrink, belly, shrink! I need to go back to rubbish food!
  • GramMa, can um can you make a pemutbudder um an jerwy samich cause um . . cause I want drm pemutbudderr . . *hangs on apron, stares into space*
  • ...better cut the crusts off. HONEY AND CHEESE, PEOPLE! HONEY. AND. CHEESE.
  • I think we already know what the king of sandwich fillers is...
  • Heinz Sandwich Spread?
  • Knuckle?
  • tongue?
  • Shark?
  • It was a two word review. It just said, "Shit sandwich."
  • they can't write that!
  • Would my widdle Petebest like some cookies afterwards?
  • It puts the jam on its bread or else it gets the hose.
  • uh huh uh huh!
  • Does this seem like more of a pb+j taco to anyone else?
  • ..better cut the crusts off. Oh. Oh. I've got into *very* bitter fights over this. Hey, it's part of the bread; why so many people like to knife the edges off? *fumes*
  • Nobody expects the Spa- THE END Oh bugger.
  • GramMa's GramMa always said to eat your crusts because it will make your hair curly.
  • How come nobody ever starves in the desert? Huh? Huh? Go to your room, TUM...
  • Does this seem like more of a pb+j taco to anyone else? Bullshit. The sandwitch is determined by the contents, not the method of containment. Taco = tortilla + beans and/or meat, etc Sandwitch = bread + meat, etc Period. hoser
  • Monkeyfilter: determined by the contents, not the method of containment
  • GramMa's GramMa always said to eat your crusts because it will make your hair curly. Mh. Well, that didn't work out as intended... but still, it's good. /licks crust
  • 90% of the time crusts are cut off sandwiches here. I just don't get it. Bread is not like fruit - you don't need to peel off the outer "skin" dammit!
  • Mmmmmmmm, I loves the heel of the bread. Especially fresh baked.
  • nasty burnt bread aka crust is a thing I won't eat unless I must
  • Kit Kat + Honey + Yogurt in Brown Bread. 'Nuff said
  • In the good old days, when you bought a sliced loaf, the crusts (or 'heels', if you will) used to be nice and thick, making lovely toast. Now they are skinny and not nearly so much fun. That is all.
  • If bread is the staff of life, then crust is the foreskin of the bread. So, do you like it cut? Or intact? There. I've combi-threaded.
  • May a bee vomit on your hoity-toity art gallery meetup.
  • Why does it always come down to genitals with you, Ralph? I suppose you giggle at the expression "staff of life."
  • *snkk*
  • Only because I couldn't think of a way to combine a discussion of bread with either kittens, audio equipment or Mozart's wife and yet I had a inexplicable need to combi-thread. (and besides, it's easier to make Pete laugh this way.)
  • Yuuuuuummm, kitty bread!
  • I'm pretty sure Mozart's wife had a cat who liked to eat bread under the harpsichord while Wolfie was playing. (I think his name was Don Piano.)
  • TUM, I went to youtube to watch that vid again and had a great cathartic hysterical laughter release. thanks! (it's been a long month...)
  • then crust is the foreskin of the bread I'm tempted to make some snarky comment here about 'well, if you haven't ever had a bread heel sandwich, you don't know what you've been missing...', but... ah, no. ; )
  • well, Flagpole honey, it's true the..ahem, crust, adds a lot to the experience ;)
  • See???!!! Combi-threading has found the way to add more-information-than-i-needed lowbrow vulgarity to a conversation about sandwiches! Combi-threading is the threading of the future!
  • But it hasn't come back to horse buggery yet! It's always supposed to come back to horse buggery!
  • and don't forget corpse buggery! now where'd I leave that quidcorpse...
  • Ah, now we're just shagging a dead horse.
  • You freaking crust-killers!!!
  • Mozart's hair was curly--he ate his crusts.
  • When I dared to cut the crusts off my sandwiches, aliens came in the night and left me all bruised. If only it had been a sexy geekette that did the probing.... *COUGH*
  • we're sunk so deep in our cross-threading that now the humble sandwich we'll be forever dreading
  • It is so a taco.
  • Guess you havent seen tacos before.
  • You know what other thing irks me? When people don't eat their pizza crusts. *fumes, again*
  • Flagpole! I hadn't thought of that in ages! 20 years ago, my partner at the time and I would order a pizza. She'd not eat the crusts, hence would not be consuming significant portions of filling, doughy goodness, hence would zoom through more than her half of the pizza, eating only the good parts, leaving me with a remaining hunger and a plate full of crusts. *sees your fuming and doubles it!*
  • I don't ususally eat my pizza crust and my hub thinks its barbaric!! the crust just fills up the stomach space that could have more of the cheesy-saucy-ymmy part!
  • I don't eat pizza crusts -- my dogs get those. They would eat the rest of the pizza, too, if they were allowed. The people kept all the best food for themselves. The dogs noticed this, but they forgave the people because they loved them so much. --Kurt Vonnegut
  • I've heard them called "pizza bones" in the context of giving them to the dogs. Woof!
  • Heh. My dogs have me well-trained by now, too.
  • RAW wrote something similar about the nature of dogs. I forget what it was, something along the lines of humans adopting the best parts of the nature of dogs, their loyalty & love, & dogs adopted the best parts of humans. Forget which book it was from.
  • Do you suppose dogs domesticated men even as men thought they were domesticating dogs?
  • Precisely.
  • "Write instructions for making a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich" was honest-to-god one of my assignments in high-school biology. The point of it was to show how detailed you had to be in order to write instructions that could actually be followed. The teacher brought in a bunch of bread and jelly and peanut butter and knives and tried to follow the instructions we had written. It was great. There was lots of putting the peanut butter on the whole loaf, or on the outside of the bread packaging, spreading the jelly on without using a knife, and putting the peanut butter and jelly on opposite sides of the bread (as [MR]Chimp pointed out upthread). It was a fun lesson and a great way to teach instructional writing. And I firmly believe that more knowledge is retained when a giant mess is made in the learning process.
  • That teacher had a bunch of great teaching techniques. After we learned about the nervous system, our exam was something like the following: "You have just been captured by aliens who wish to understand how humans work. You have one sheet of paper and one hour to write down everything you can tell them about the human brain. If they are unsatisfied with your explanation, they will use you to experiment on. Try to avoid being probed."
  • A good teacher is worth his weight in gold.
  • Or in peanut butter.
  • The BlueHorse method of pizza consumption is to eat all the yummy, cheesy goodness first, and put the pizza bones on the plate for later consumption with beer whilst BS-ing with me mates. Dog gets those leftovers that I can't fit in due to beer overload. (should anyone want to take me out, I'm a cheap drunk--two gets me woozy, three knocks me down.)
  • I always eat pizza in layers. First the chunky bits, then the cheese, then any loose sauce, then the sauce-soaked crust, then the dry crust edge. The same thing with pie. The first time I ate pizza with one of my college friends, he just looked at me and said, "We're not having 7-layer cake for dessert."
  • Tum, you do not eat pizza. You dissect pizza.
  • bees, what is the deal with pizza crust? I try to understand, but my Italian heritage only says, "more bread! EAT! EAT!" It's just bread, really. Well, maybe not bread bread, because then the crust would have crust, then you'd be stuck trying to decide which crust to not eat. Better to just eat it all. Ah yes. "How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your crust?"
  • I prefer to make a sammich with 2 blondes.
  • *imagines a big table full of leftover sandwich and pizza crusts after a Monkey meet, winces* Monkeyfilter: try to avoid being probed Monkeyfilter: two gets me woozy, three knocks me down
  • Eat ALL of the pizza. In one sitting. After lots of beers (cos a belly full of pizza stops you getting drunk, so do that first), then try and force down one last beer as you stare at the telly, bleary-eyed and gassy. That's the tried and tested kitfisto pizza eating method. I'm a great catch, ladies.
  • bees, what is the deal with pizza crust? It makes my dogs happy. And the prospect of skool pudding is a definite turnoff.
  • The bachelor's seven course meal: A six-pack and a pizza.
  • Heh. If unmarried, how about snagging a chef for a roommate? Or a short-order cook.
  • If unmarried, how about snagging a chef When I first looked at that I thought it said "shagging a chef." Then I saw it was Bees, and I knew he wouldn't be that naughty!
  • ... be that naughty! Echo: Not he. ;]
  • One hasn't lived until one has shagged a chef. Or so they told me!!