June 12, 2006

• q: what's the best thing about being a test-tube baby? a: you have a womb with a view! what do i win?
• Knock, knock. Who's there? A complete moron elected not once, but twice to the office of President of the United States. A complete moron elected not once, but twice to the office of President of the United States who? Like you have to fucking ask. Post one that's worse. Just try.
• What opens doors and eats banananas? A Mon-key!
• q: why do cans of Irish baked beans only have 239 baked beans in them? a: because another one would be two-fahrty
• Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One.
• -- Knock knock. -- Who's there? -- It's me. -- Oh, c'mon in. -- Thanks.
• Q: Why did the little boy cross the playground? A: To get to the other SLIDE.
• Two longish ones for you: This one has to be told straight-faced, while reading a newspaper/news site: "Wow... I just read a story about two kids playing on an overpass. They'd tied a big rock to a rope, and were dangling it into oncoming traffic. When a car got just close enough to see the rock, they'd pull it up. You know, scare the drivers or whatever. Well, apparently one of them wasn't paying attention when a rig came along, and the rope wrapped itself around the mirror and ripped the kid's arm off. The cops pulled the rig driver over a few miles later, and they charged him. (listener should say "with what?") Armed Robbery." The next one's a little better: So a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any fish?" The bartender looks at him and says, "No, I don't have any fish." The duck leaves, but comes back the next night and asks the bartender, "Do you have any fish?" Again, the bartender says no and sends him away. This goes on an on, the duck coming in and asking if the bartender has any fish, and the bartender saying no and sending him away until finally the bartender cracks. "No, we don't have any fish, we've never had any fish, and if you come in here and ask one more time, I'm going to nail your fucking beak to the bar." Next night, sure enough, the duck comes back. He walks up to the bar, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No, I don't have any nails, this is a bar!" The duck looks back and asks, "Do you have any fish?"
• So this string goes into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The string leaves. He comes back the next day, orders another beer. "I said we don't serve your kind here. Fuck off." So the string leaves again. The next day, the string comes back again, but this time, before entering the bar, the string ties himself in a knot and rubs one of his ends on the pavement until it gets all loose and frayed. He then goes into the bar again. The bartender slams his fist down on the bar, leans in close to the string, and says: "We. Don't. SERVE YOUR KIND NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BAR!!!" "Excuse me," says the string, but what do you mean by "your kind?" "Strings," fumes the barman. "We don't. Serve. Strings. You're a string." "Me?" says the string. "A string? I'm a frayed knot!"
• A guy walks into a bar and asks for a whisky sour. The bartender gives it to him and says "I'm surprised, frankly, that you walked in. I was expecting a priest, a lawyer and a rabbi." The guy says "Would it help if I told you that I work at the coal mine?" The bartender says "are you a horse? And boy, are my arms tired!"
• Horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?" Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartenders says "Hey, buddy, you know you've got a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" Pirate says "Arrr, it's driving me nuts." It's late and a traveling salesman is looking for a place to stay. He asks a farmer if he has somewhere, and the farmer says "Sure, but you'll have to sleep with my son." The salesman says "I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong joke."
• How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You don't know? THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE, MAN!
• Two bad golfers are playing golf badly on a bad German golf course when a bad-ass funeral procession passes by on the highway to Baden-Baden. One of the bad golfers (indeed the baddest) stops, looks at the funeral procession and takes off his hat (which was badly in need of repair, but that has nothing to do with this story, which is too bad). The second bad golfer comments to the baddest golfer, "Hey, I didn't know that you, my bad golfing friend were so sentimental!" The bad golfer says "Well, I'm not, usually, but we were married for 20 years..." (They then both hit bad tee shots).
• Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper 3 nails and says "can you put me up for the night?"
• A man goes to see his doctor. Life has lost all joy and he is considering suicide. The doctor examines him and say "Friend, you are suffering from depression. You need to get out ... see things, do things. I recommend you go see the great clown Pagliacci!" The man stares at him for a moment and replies,"But doctor, I am Pagliacci."
• 2 nuns in a bath. 1 says, 'where's the soap?' the other says, 'I know, but it's a nice feeling.' How did the Irishman break his legs raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
• Q. How many MoFi monkeys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Well, first of all, I don't think many of us could FIT in a lightbulb, unless it was a very, very big lightbulb. But, supposing that a number of us managed to squeeze into this unthinkably large lightbulb, and started screwing. I just want to say right now: Medusa, if you even TRY to pee in my mouth, I'm leaving. And somebody's gotta clean up the lightbulb, which nobody's gonna want to do. So, please, let's screw in something else.
• so two nuns walk into a bar...
• BONK!
• Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was a salted.
• get it? they hit their heads, like, on the bar, ya know?? how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? a vest has no sleeves.
• I feel obliged to tell Mother Renault's Only Joke, which she will tell anywhere. Three Japanese ladies, sitting in a hot tub, discussing what they find most attractive about a man. First lady says "You know what I like? A man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest..!" The other two agree -- a man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest, is very nice indeed. The second lady speaks up, and says "You know what's even better than a man with a tattoo of a dragon on his chest? A man with a tattoo of two dragons on his chest..!" The ladies agree -- two dragons, that was even better. The third lady says "You know what's even better than a man with a tattoo of two dragons on his chest? A man with one dragon on the floor!" Bad-dum-dump! Thanks, mom!
• A psychic walks into a bar. You think she woulda seen it coming.
• Q: How many designers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
• How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler
• A priest, a mullah and a rabbi walk into a bar. What a lovely example of an integrated multi-racial society.
• Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 10. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the other nine to stand around saying, "She'll never reach it..."
• A guy with no arms is walking by a church and sees a sign "Bellpuller wanted." He grabs the sign with his teeth and runs up to the priest, who can't understand a word he's saying, cause Hey, Sign! So the guy drops the sign, runs up the belfry, makes a flying leap for the rope and grabs it with his teeth. The bell rings loudly. The priest is impressed. The guy backs up, makes another run and misses the rope, crashing through the stained glass and landing in a heap on the ground below. He dies. The priest and an acolyte rush up. The acolyte says, "Who was he, Father?" The priest responds, "I don't know, my son, but his face sure rings a bell."
• Q: How many Swedes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Ten. One to hold the lightbulb, and nine to drink vodka until the room starts spinning. Mothy, I keed, I keed. Kissy kissy?
• I'd be all upset and stuff but the room's spinning.... *hic*
• Q: How many Concordia students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. If they could screw in a lightbulb, they'd have been accepted at McGill.
• Two of my favorite pagan lightbulb jokes: How many druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Druids don't screw in lightbulbs. They screw in stone circles. How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY! Two bonus non pagan lightbulb jokes: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two: One to fill the bathtub with bicycles, and the other to melt wax models. How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fish!
• q: what do you call a man with a shovel in his head? a: doug q: what do you call a man without a shovel in his head? a: douglas q: what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? a: bob
• What does 90 year-old pussy taste like? Depends.
• a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. they find an abandoned barn and run inside, but find nothing to hide behind except three burlap sacks. each woman crawls into a different sack. the cops trace them to the barn and go in, but all they see is the three suspiciously lumpy sacks. one cop kicks the sack with the brunette in it. thinking quickly, she meows. "oh," he says, "it's just a cat." moving on, he kicks the sack with the redhead, who barks. "oh, just a dog," he says, and moves on to kick the third sack. the blonde responds with "potato! potato!"
• Q: how many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Let's go ride bikes!
• thanks for reminding me, roryk! (nb: the first two probably only work if you have a british accent...) Q: What do you call a woman with a tile on her head? A: Ruth. Q: What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head? A: Anita. Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? A: Cliff. Q: What do you call a man with a load of rabbits up his bum? A: Warren. or alternatively, Q: What do you call a man with a load of rabbits up his bum? A: A pervert.
• q: what do you call a woman who has one leg longer than the other? a: eileen q: what do you call a woman whose legs are the same length? a: nolene q: what do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves? a: russell
• q: what do you call a man with no arms or legs on your doorstep? a: matt
• q: what is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour? a: a frog in a blender or a: a baby in a blender after 3 weeks.
• why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? so men will understand them! hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! read that one in Playboy, oh yeah!
• I'm a frayed knot That's not a bad joke. That's the funniest joke ever.
• Knock knock! Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c-- MOO!
• Arrr, it's driving me nuts And that's the second-funniest joke ever. In case you were wondering.
• NO SOAP, RADIO
• Q. How many Turrets Syndrome sufferers does it take to screw in a light bulb. A. I don't-- Q. FUCK! (it's all about the timing) What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow that jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster. What do you call a cow that had an abortion? Decaffeinated (de-calf-in-ated) Knock Knock Who's There? Go fuck yourself. And my son's best joke, made up when he was four: Will: What did the lamp say to the table? Me: I don't know, what? Will: (acid deadpan) Tables do not talk.
• What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer, What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or genitals? Still no fucking eye deer.
• Q: Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons? A: Because blond men are stupid, too. ------------------ Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? A: She kept throwing away the W's. ------------------ Two blondes are walking through the woods and they come upon a set of tracks. One blonde states, "Those are, like, deer tracks." The other replies, "No, those are totally antelope tacks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
• /bookmarks thread Q: What do you call a fish with no eye? A: FSSSSSSHHHHH Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs? A: Right where you left him. Aww... that one makes me sad, actually. Would I get sued if I threw in a bad lawyer joke? Q: What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start.
• Being challenged in this area, there's only one joke I've ever been able to remember: A group of citizens are gathered around a young woman on the outskirts of a town in Galilea, shouting "Stone the whore." Jesus walks up to them and says, "Stop! Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." A little old lady picks up a stone which she can barely carry, staggers toward the young woman, and drops it on her. Christ says, "You know, mother, sometimes you really piss me off!"
• Two men and a woman are on the Empire State Building. One guy turns to the other and says, "You know, if you jump off of this building at noon, you'll bounce off of the sidewalk and land right back up here." The other guy says, "Bullshit." The first guy says, "Watch me," then proceeds to jump off the building, bounce off of the sidewalk, and land right back where he was. The other guy is impressed, and decides to try it himself the next day. So, promptly at noon on that following day, he flings himself from the top of the Empire State Building and lands with a splatter on the sidewalk below. The woman looks at the first guy and says, "You can be such an asshole, Superman."
• What's green and invisible? *holds up hands* This watermellon!
• One my mom likes to tell: Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing on the situation in Iraq and after listing several events he tells the president that 100 Brazilians have died in Iraq that day. The president puts his head in his hands and sits dejected in silence a few minutes. Then, he looks up and askes Rumsfeld, "Tell me again, how many is in a Brazillian?"
• Three little asparagi are standing at the side of the road. The first asparagus looks left, looks right, sees no cars coming, and crosses the road safely. The second asparagus looks left, looks right, sees no cars, and safely crosses the road too. The third asparagus gets so excited that his friends are on the other side of the road that he runs into the street without looking and gets hit by a truck. Well, the asparagus ambulance arrives, and takes the poor, injured asparagus to the asparagus hospital where, after 18 hours of grueling surgery, the asparagus doctor emerges from the operating room to tell the first 2 asparagi the fate of their unlucky friend. "I have good news and bad news," says the asparagus doctor. "The good news is, your friend will live. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life." And, since pianistic already got my favorite joke, I give the follow-up: Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you.
• Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through a revolving door? A: A nun with a spear through her head.
• Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? A: You'd run away too if your name was "MMUUAAAGGHHhhh..."
• Q: What's long and green and smells like pork? A: Kermit's finger.
• Little Jimmy brings a spider to class for show-and-tell. The teacher looks a little bemused, and says, "I'm not sure if a spider is appropriate for show-and-tell, little Jimmy." Jimmy says, "Miss, I learned something about spiders, and I'd like to show the rest of the class." So the teacher gives in and lets Jimmy stand up for show-and-tell. Jimmy puts the spider on a desk and says, "Spider! Come here!" The spider skitters across the desk and Jimmy picks it up. He pulls off one of the spider's legs, puts it down. "Spider, come here!" he calls to it. It scuttles across the desk again and he picks it back up, pulls off another leg, same thing. At last, after the spider is literally on its last leg, and it has managed to feebly make its way across the desk, Jimmy pulls off the spider's last leg and puts the spider on the desk. "Spider! Come here!" he shouts. The spider doesn't move, and Jimmy looks up, triumphant. The teacher is stunned. "So, uh, Jimmy, what exactly did you learn from your experiment?" the teacher asks little Jimmy angrily. "Miss, I learned that if you pull all a spider's legs off, he goes deaf!"
• Two antennas got married. The wedding was nothing much, but the reception was great. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. When they asked why, the manager replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Did you hear about the guy with five legs? His pants fit like a glove. Q. What's black and white and red all over? A. A penguin thrown into a wood-chipper.
• Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. The Aristocrats.
• Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.
• Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was also dead.
• Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
• Why did the man fall off his bike? Because three monkeys fell on his head.
• What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
• *applause*
• Q.Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella with him? A. F'drizzle. So this man goes to his psychiatrist and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep thinking I'm a teepee--no, a wigwam--no, a teepee--no, a wigwam!" And the psychiatrist says, "Relaaaax, you're too tense." (this was my favorite joke as a kid, as it was the first wordplay joke I "got"!)
• Q: What time is it when an Elephant sits on your fence? A: Time to get a new fence. Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree A: Because it was tied to a fridge.
• Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road? A: He was stapled to the chicken. (and here come the chicken-x-road jokes...now)
• What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? Paddy O'Furniture.
• Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
• How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch.
• How do you sink another Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch again, he'll open the window and say 'I'm not falling for THAT again!'
• Everyone probably thinks of me as male, well I had an abortion. So those that thought so, were wrong. Joke. My jokes become better and involve more roads and chickens after this one.. I call this one my 'opener'.
• One day Jesus, Moses, and some old guy were playing golf. Jesus teed off and it landed in the water, so he walked on the water to retrieve the ball. Moses was next, he hit the ball into the water so he parted the water and got his ball. Then the old man teed off it was heading for the water too when a fish swallowed the ball. But before the fish returned into the water a heron grabbed the fish and the heron flew over the green and the fish dropped the ball into the cup for an ace. Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your father."
• Q: What's the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same.
• (this was my favorite joke as a kid, as it was the first wordplay joke I "got"!) First joke my kid got: Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7? A: Because 7 ate 9. Damn, if he didn't laugh all day on that one.
• Ja' hear about the big Viagra theft down at the pharmacy? The police are looking for two hardened criminals. HA!
• Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One of them turns to the other and says, "boy, it's hot in here, huh?" The other one turns and says: "Hey look! A talking muffin!"
• Two mountainclimbers -- one from Serbia and one from Czechoslovakia -- come up missing. A search party goes out and finds two bears (a male and a female) who have gorged themselves to death. They begin the gruesome process of opening the bears, and find the Serbian climber inside the female bear. "Okay," says a member of the search party. "Where's the other one?" Another member of the search party says, "Don't worry! The Czech's in the male."
• Michael Jackson. Thank you, Lewis Black.
• A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys the fastest car on the lot. "Install nitros and paint a big red S on the front," the snail tells the dealer. "A red S?" the dealer asks. "What for?" "So," the snail replies, "I can zoom down the street and have everyone say 'Look at that S-car go!'"
• That last joke reminds me of a buddy of mine -- he was a hired driver for twenty years, and yet today he has nothing to show for it.
• Chauffeur, get it?
• But seriously, folks: Do you know why French chefs make omlettes with only one egg? It's because one egg is un oeuf.
• *gets dead cat out of storage*
• One day, man walked up to his son and said, "Son, I am a very wealthy and powerful man. I can buy you anything you want. Now being your high school graduation day, I am giving you this offer of anything you want. Money is no thing to me. Tell me anything you want and I will get it for you." The son replied without hesitation and said, "I want 1,000 green golf balls." The father, obviously bewildered asked the son why, and his son did not answer him. The father however, gave him the 1,000 green golf balls he had asked for. 4 years later, The son had graduated from college and the father once again made him an offer. "Son, I am very wealthy, and I am very powerful. Money doesnt mean a thing to me. Once again, tell me anything in the world that you want and I'll get it for you. The son once again asked for 1,000 green golf balls. The man had grown very angry by this time, but loved his son so much that he gave him the 1,000 green golf balls. The two men separated and after 5 years, the son had a computer software business and was very wealthy. As a congratulations gift, the man gave his son the generous offer of anything that he wanted in the world. The son once again said that he wanted a 1,000 green golf balls. The man was furious but gave his son the golf balls. They separated once again but did not talk for almost 20 years because the man was so angry at his son. One day, his son got in a car accident and his father flew across America to come to his side. The son was in very bad shape. Despite all of their anger, the father said, "Why did you want all of those green golf balls all of these years?" The son looked into his eyes and said, "Well I..." And then he died.
• A bear walks into a bar off the Barbary Coast and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve bears beer here." The bear says "I'll be back tomorrow, and you'd better serve me a beer." An old lady at the end of the bar yells at the bear to leave. So the bear leaves, comes back the next day, asks the bartender of the bar off the Barabary Coast for a beer. The bartender says "Nope, we don't serve beer to bears." The bear gets pretty angry, and he says, "I'm coming back tomorrow. If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to do something about it." The old lady at the end of the bar chimed in, "Get lost, you stupid bear! You're not allowed to drink beer here, you dumb beast!" The bear leaves and comes back the next day to the bar off the Barbary Coast. He goes to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry buddy, but we don't serve bears beer here." Well the bear gets angry, rears up on his hind feet, lunges over to the old lady, nursing a cold one at the end of the bar. Suddenly, the bear started feeling a bit tired. Within moments he was nearly ready to fall asleep. He looked up at the bartender who owned the bar off the Barbary Coast, and said, "Who was that lady?" The bartender replied, "Oh, that was just a barbiturate."
• Damn, that bear was supposed to eat the old lady. Well that's a bad joke for ya.
• What's Snoop Dogg's favourite vacation spot? The Be-otch What's Snoop Dogg's favourite fruit? Pe-otch What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his clothes? Blee-otch. What does Snoop Dogg call his womens? Ho's.
• a woman looking for work goes into a toy factory. the personnel manager says the only vacancy is a job on the "tickle me elmo" line. the woman happily accepts. the manager takes her to the line, explains her duties, and tells her to report for work at 8:00 AM the next day. the next morning at 9:45 the "tickle me elmo" line manager is in the personnel manager's office ranting about the woman they just hired. after 15 minutes of listening to the line manager screaming about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager suggests they visit the new hire. they go to the line and see hundreds of elmos piled up before the last station. at this station is the new recuit; she has gathered a big bag of marbles and a roll of the fabric used for making the elmos. as they watch, she cuts a little piece of fabric, delicately places two marbles in it, and then sews it between elmo's legs. the personnel manager bursts out laughing, then goes over to the new employee and says "i'm sorry, i guess i didn't make myself clear yesterday." "we want you to give elmo "two test tickles".
• What does an elephant do when it rains? It gets wet.
• How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? Two in the front and two in the back
• How do you get 2 giraffes in a mini? You can't it's full of elephants
• How do you get two whales in a mini? Down the M4 and across the Severn Bridge
• -Knock Knock -Who's there -Mild Tourette's -Mild Tour- -NINNY! -Why does Bugs Bunny have long ears? -Cos he's f*cking rabbit. -How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? -Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to have my dinner on the table when I get home from the pub.
• A baby harp seal walks into a club. and A terrible thing. Terrible. The Energizer Bunny, he died of sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming and coming and coming and coming and coming...
• This joke was told to me in my early - and innocent - teens - by a girl! ------------------------------------------------ I guy has a really bad case of the STDs - gonorrhea, syphilis, raging vesicular knob rot, the whole deal. So he's justifiably a tad worried about this, and when the scabby protrision starts to exude pink pus, he decides to hie himself to the nearest apothecary or dick quack. On his way, he feels a rustle in his trouser leg, looks down, and sees the end of his willy on the ground, just lying there, having come detached from the remains of the member. He reaches down, picks it up and drops it in his shirt pocker, continuing on his way, dawdling in the occasional shop, feeling no pain. He reaches the premises of the local medico, explains his predickament, on which the physician requests he produces the fallen dong tip. He pulls out a small strawberry jellied candy instead. "Oh, that's weird" he puzzles. "I thought I ate that on the way here..."
• Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and the smell bad.
• So it was 1959, and this guy from Texas was in a bar getting thoroughly pissed and going on and on about what a wonderful thing it is to be a Texan (as Texans are wont to do), how they are God's own chosen, so forth. "And the best part is," he said, "we got the biggest fucking state in the Union." "Actually," says the guy next to him, "not anymore. Alaska just become a state, and damn if if ain't bigger." Well, our boy doesn't believe this at first, but he checks it out and verifies that it is indeed the case. This gnaws at him, keeps him up at night, completely shatters his sense of self worth -- he can no longer shout "Mine's bigger than yours!" So he finally decides, okay, I've got to be a citizen of the biggest state. I'm moving to Alaska. So he does. When he gets there and gets settled in, the first thing he does is to go to the local bar and start talking to the locals. He strikes up a conversation with the bartender. "Let me ask you," he says, "what do you have to do to be a real Alaskan? I mean, I live here now, but what do you have to do to be a REAL Alaskan?" "Oh, well, that's easy," says the bartender. You gotta drink a fifth of whiskey, you gotta fight a polar bear, and then you gotta make love to an Eskimo woman." "One fifth of whiskey, my good man." So the bartender smirks and gets him the bottle, which he downs in short order. He somehow manages to get up off his stool, clinging to the bar for dear life. "Take me to that fuckin' bear," he drawls. So the bartender walks him back to a private back room and opens a door to reveal a six-hundred-pound polar bear. He shoves our guy in there and slams the door behind him. For the next half hour, the most godawful roars and bloodcurdling screams you can possibly imagine come pouring out of this room. Ripping sounds, wet sickening splats, prayers to Jesus. After a half hour the noise stops and the door opens, and our boy comes staggering out. His skin is barely holding him together. He's bled out at least a pint. His clothes are confetti. He looks to be on the brink of death, but he's still standing. "Okay," he says, holding up a finger, "now where's this Eskimo woman I'm supposed to fight?"
• Q. How'd the rookie golfer break his arm? A. Fell off the ball washer.
• A bloke is walking down the street, minding his own business, when he is his in the gonads by the arial of a Dodge van turns the corner towards him. He goes to the doctor, and tells him what happened. The doctor tells the bloke to drop his kegs. The man pulls down his pants and shows the doctor his wound. The doctor strokes his beard, shaking his head slowly. "Is it really that bad?" asks the bloke. "I have to be honest with you," the doctor says, "that's the worst case of van-arial disease I've ever seen."
• Three people are in some setting. A series of events transpires causing one of the people to respond with quote. A second series of similar if not identical events occurs causing a second person to respond with a similar if not identical quote. A third series of similar if not identical events occurs causing the third person to respond with a different and unexpected quote. Whenever I hear someone start to tell that joke, I just beg in my mind for them to skip the second series of events. It is completely useless. I would actually prefer for them to just start with the third, but I realize tht will never happen.
• Q: What should you do if you witness a herd of elephants coming down a hill? A: Swim for it.
• Q: How do you get the Jackson Five in a Mini? A: Two in the front, two in the back, and Micael in the ashtray.
• "Mommy, mommy -- what happened to all your scabs??" "Shuddup and eat your corn flakes."
• My favorite joke of all time, my grandmother told me this. It's really cute: . . . What did Cindarella say when she got to the ball? . . . **GAAAGGG!!!** (Works better with a "deep-throat" visual.) (My gramma is a sicko.) (Not really, but it's fun to see the double-shock as your audience 1. "gets" the joke and then 2. realizes the horror that your GRANDMA told you that??!?)
• My Uncle Rab, appearing to be doing a cryptic crossword, but really just seeting up the joke: Hmm...here's a tough one...'Postman's heavy load'. Me: How many letters? Uncle Rab: Thousands!
• My favorite joke of all time, my grandmother told me this. The funniest thing my GMa ever said to me was, "I hate those cushioned toilet-seat covers. It makes me feel like I'm pooping in my chair!" I never asked her if she had a basis of comparison.
• OK here's a real one... A guy's at his doctor's office and the Doc asks him what the problem is. The guy says, "Well, Doc, it's my willy...you see, whenever I pee, it sprays out in all directions and that tends to upset the blokes at the next urinals". The doctor asks him to whip it out and he obliges. The doc examines it for a while and discovers it's full of little holes. "It's full of little holes!", he says. "How on eath did it get like that?" The guy explains, "Well, Doc, I like to play darts down at the pub, and some nights, after I've had a few pints, I put my darts in my front pants pocket and walk home." The doctor scribbles a name on a piece of paper and hands it to the patient. "I want you to go see this man", he says. "Ok", says the guy, "Is he a specialist or something?". "No", says the doctor, "He's a clarinet plater...he'll show you how to hold it".
• A man hops into the psychiatrist's office. He's gibbering and completely naked except for being wrapped top to toe in cellophane wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
• "When I write a joke, I like to do it in reverse. I start with something that makes me laugh, then go back from there." Bill Bailey I think. Also Bill: "Three blokes go into a pub. Something happened, and the outcome was hilarious."
• My Grandfather's: *opening the obituary section of the paper* *shakes head* "It happened again...they all died in alphabetical order." Or, passing a cemetary: "People are just dying to get in there."
• Those are bad jokes.
• What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!
• "People are just dying to get in there." When I worked at a funeral home, we joked that we should put a sign out front that said, "If you lived here, you'd be dead now."
• I tried to post this one last night, but something went wrong.. You know, the library in my hometown here really sucks. I am NEVER going back into that madhouse ever again! I went there last week looking for a book on the heimlich anti-choking manuever. So I go to the little electronic card catalogue thing, and I search for 'heimlich' and 'hiemlich' and 'himlich' and then I try 'choking' and there's nothing! So I go to the librarian and say "Do you have a book on the heimlich?" and she says "What's that?" I said "What's that!? Aren't you a librarian?" and she says "You'll have to ask someone else. I'm busy." So I say "forget this!" and I go look in the reference section, and after about an hour of looking I find some medical encyclopedia with a tiny little section on the heimlich. I go to check it out, and the librarian woman says "No, this is a reference book. You can't check it out." So I said "What should I do?" and she says "You need to copy the page you want." So I go to the copy machines, and the dollar bill thing isn't working. So I go back to the librarian and say "The dollar bill thing isn't working -- do you have change for a dollar?" and she says "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go next door to the Taco Bell and ask for change. The guy there says "It's not a bank, it's a Taco Bell." So I go across the street to the bank and the lady says, "Yes, this is a bank." And she gives me change. So I go back to the library and back to the copiers, and by now there's this huge line of college students copying their books or whatever, and I have to wait another half-hour for them to get done -- and finally I get to copy the page of the book with the little tiny section I needed. I go to put the book back, but the librarian says in this nasty tone: "No, no -- don't do that. We'll do it. Just put it on this cart." So I put the book down on the cart and walk out. As I'm leaving, she says "Thank you." The nerve! I said to her: "Thank YOU. I'm never coming into this barn again!" And I went out to my car. Now by this time, my sister was almost purple from the chicken bone.. Thank you, Emo Phillips.
• thank you all for the material, some of which I fully intend to use while my banjo player is tuning on stage. But did you hear about the drummer whose timing was so bad he got depressed and jumped behind a train?
• "Mummy, mummy, daddy's going out." "Shut up and pour some more petrol on him."
• This was hilarious when I was 8: Why doesn't Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.
• "Mommy, what's a vampire?" "Shut up, Junior, and eat your soup before it clots."
• Who sits on a stool and hangs out with musicians? A bassist with a back problem. I don't know if you read that in the paper or not, but I'm getting sued because I made a nasty remark about [my ex-wife]..she. She didn't like it, she lives on the upper west side of Manhattan, and she was coming home late at night, and she was violated. That's how the put it in the New York papers: "She was violated", and they asked me to comment on it, and I said "Knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation." -Woody Allen
• The second one. The first is an old musician joke I took the liberty of correcting.
• A man is joggin on the beach and sees a woman with no arms and no legs. the woman calls out to the rather buff fellow and says "I've never been touched by man, please sir just touch me." So the man gently rubs her back giving the torso of a woman visible goose chills. The next day as the man is jogging he sees the same woman. "kind sir, I have never been kissed by a man, please kiss me" so the guy picks her up and gives her a long deep kiss. the very next day the same man is joggin on his usual path and encounters the same legless/armless woman. She spots him, calls him over and says in a husky voice "i've never been fucked by a man before" The man picks her up and tosses her into the ocean. "Now your fucked!"
• What did the bus conductor say to the three-eyed, no-armed, one-legged man trying to get on the bus? "Aye, aye, aye, you look 'armless, 'opp on."
• What a great thread.
• - My wife went to the Caribbean. - Jamaica? - No, it was entirely her own idea.
• Who sits on a stool and hangs out with musicians? A bassist with a back problem. Oh snap, it's on! What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend? Homeless. / I kid // they still live with their parents
• pffft! *fires up google*
• What happens when a bass player takes Viagra? He gets taller. How do you get a bass player to turn his volume down? Put some sheet music in front of him. A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "this time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, "hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig!"
• How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. A good keyboard player can do that too.
• Oh, let's spread the musical joy: What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano? A seamstress tucks and frills.
• what does a stripper do with her asshole in the morning? drop him off at band practice :)
• 
• Allrighty then... Q: Why are there no banjos on "Star Trek"? A: Because it's the future
• Wait! wait! How about this one. How many violinists does it take to change a lightbulb? One: she hangs on to the lightbulb and waits for the whole world to revolve around her.
• A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"
• /guitarist comments may have striken a little too close to home :)
• What's the difference between a drummer and a bass player? About half a beat.
• What's the most common phrase heard after a couple finishes having sex in Alabama? "Get off me, Daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."
• What's the definition of a virgin in Newfoundland? Anyone who can outrun their uncle.
• What's another term for a double-diminished seventh chord? The viola section playing in unison.
• Aaaalright TUM, as long as we're getting esoteric... How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? 1..5..1..5...1...5
• (loving these music jokes!!)
• Q: What's the difference between a homosexual and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the sausage out.
• My mom told me this one: (folks around here might substitute "Iowan" for "blonde?) A blonde was walking through the woods, came upon a small lake. On the other side, she saw another blonde, and wanted to visit. "How did you get to the other side?!" she called. "You're on the other side!!" called the other.
• How do you tell when I drummer at your door? The knocking keeps getting faster.
• Shoot, that should be a drummer.
• What's the difference between a bass player and a vaccuum cleaner? A vaccuum cleaner doesn't blow.
• How do you know if a blonde's been using your vibrator? Her teeth are chipped.
• An old woman is walking along the pier and finds a parrot in a cage. The parrot squacks "How's yer asshole, lady?" She is shocked, and says "Shut up!" To which he replies, "Mine too, must be the salt air."
• What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep!
• What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep!
• Why do elephants have trunks? Sheep don't have strings.
• And my all-time favorite: Why did the little boy fall off the swing? Because he had no arms. That visual still brings tears to my eyes.
• A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the sausage out. Damnit, sugarmilktea, that makes me laugh quite loudly.
• mr.medusa used to be a bass player...
• Q: A truck full of water and a truck full of vinegar crashed, What sound did it make? A: *Douche!* (You have to do the whole two-cars-crashing hand motion. And be a 12 year old boy. And laugh more than you should. Y'know, to really get it.)
• These are getting rotten. Q: What's the best part about fucking a hundred and twenty eight year olds? A: There's a hundred and twenty of them!
• Petebest, thank you for that last one in particular.
• What's the mating call of a blonde? I'm sooo drunk!
• What's the mating call of an ugly blonde? I said, I'm sooo drunk!!
• What's the mating call of a brunette? "All the blondes are gone!"
• What's the mating call of a redhead? "Next!"
• Knock Knock Who’s there? Postmodernism. Postmodernism who? ...hello? Why did the idiot throw the clock out the window? - ‘Cause he’s an idiot.
• Q: How does a blonde practice safe sex? A: She locks the car door. ------------- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does when she gets up in the morning? A: Introduces herself to the team, and then goes home. When I worked in radio in my younger years, people would fax blonde jokes to me. Yes, I said fax. That's how old I am.
• told to me last night, while discussing this thread Little Red Riding Hood is going for a walk. Her Grandmother tells her, "Red, don't go into the forest. The Big Bad Wolf will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck you like an animal." "Yeah, yeah," says Red, and leaves. As she's headed towards the forest, she meets the Three Little Pigs. The Pigs tell her, "Red, don't go into the forest. The Big Bad Wolf will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck you like an animal." Red pulls out a large handgun and says, "Don't worry, I'm prepared" and continues on her merry way. A ways into the forest, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out in front of her and says, "Red, you shouldn't be in here. You know what I'm going to do to you." Little Red Riding Hood proceeds to pull up her little red dress, pull down her little red panties, lay on her back, spread her legs, and point the gun at the Big Bad Wolf. "Now fucking eat me like the story says!"
• If anyone can do it, Weezel, it'll be the Big Bad Wolf. After all, he can blow houses in.
• Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad, wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away, further down the road. Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf" Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
• A rabbi, a priest, and a genie walk into a bar. The bartender holds up a shotgun and points it at the genie. "Sorry buddy, but you're gonna have to leave." "What'd I do?" asked the genie. "You're in the wrong joke," says the bartender.
• What do you call somebody else's cheese in Spanish? NACHO CHESE, BABY, NACHO CHESE!
• What do you do with a drummer who can't keep time? Take away one of their sticks, and stick them out the front of the orchestra. How can you tell when the stage is level? The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of their mouth.
• How do you double the value of a Skoda? Fill it with petrol
• What do you call a convertible Skoda? A skip
• a frog walks into a bank and goes up to the teller, paddy black, and asks for a loan. paddy asks if the frog has any collateral. the frog says, "yes, i have a pink ceramic elephant." paddy says he'll have to check with his boss and goes into the back office. approaching his boss, he says "there is a frog out there who wants a loan but all he's offering as collateral is a pink ceramic elephant. i shouldn't give him the loan, should i?" his boss says, "It's a knick-knack, paddy black, give the frog a loan." ============== an african chief at the turn of the last century was obsessed with conquering other tribes and taking their chief's thrones as trophies. these thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. his palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition -- everything was made of grass and leaves. one day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. the thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds. which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
• rory - I heard a slightly extended version of your first effort where the frog is the adoptive son of Keith Richards, giving you: "It's a knick-knack, paddy black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
• so descartes went to a tavern with a friend. the friend asked, "rene, would you like a beer?" descartes replied, "i think not" and immediately vaporized. ================ found this gem today; a purported letter requesting to be excused croatian national service: Dear Minister of Defense, Please allow me to explain my situation in the hope that you will be able to resolve my case. I am expecting to be called up to serve in the Croatian Army. I am married to a widow who has an adult daughter. My wife's daughter is married to my father. By marrying my wife's daughter, my father became my son-in-law. Moreover, my wife is mother-in-law to my father, and her daughter is now my stepmother. In September, my wife gave birth to a son. Clearly this child is brother to my father's wife, and thus brother-in-law to my father. My son is also my uncle by marriage because he is brother to my stepmother. In October, my father's wife gave birth to a son as well. This child is now also my brother because he is a son of my father. But I am the stepfather of my wife's daughter and also brother to her son whose father is also my father. Thus, my father's son is also my stepgrandson because he is a son of my wife's daughter. Consequently, I am brother to my own stepgrandson, making me my own stepgrandfather. However, according to the law, not more then two consecutive generations of fathers and sons (grandfather, father, son) can be called for military duty simultaneously, so I should be excused.
• What's the difference between a frightened toddler and a Porche? I haven't got a Porche locked up in my garage.
• Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and truck full of dead children? You can't use pitch fork to unload the bowling balls.
• Surely we monkeys know 200 jokes between us all? Allow me to help out again. A man walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. No ordinairy bar, this one has musical instruments hanging on every wall -- all kinds of instruments, bassoon, triangle, Chinese violin-sounding-thing (whatever it's called), you name it. So the man says to the bartender, "Hey bartender! I'll bet you $200 my octopus can play any instrument in this bar." Barman says "You're on, buddy." So the bartender pulls down a fiddle, hands it to the octopus, who aces it with a stirring rendition of Bach's Tocatta & Fugue in Dm (which many believe was originally written for the violin but that's not really part of the story). Same treatment for the clarinet, the timpani, electric guitar, marimba... Finally, the bartender says "ok. try this one," and pulls down a Scottish Bagpipes. The octopus holds it in its tenticles, turns it over, looks at it, turns it around and around, fumbling with it's parts. The man (remember him? he's the guy who walked into the bar with the octopus on his shoulder) starts to get worried, whispers to the octopus, "hey, can't you play that thing?" To which the octopus replies, "play it? if I can get it's underwear off I'm gonna fuck it!"
• (yeah yeah, I know "its" not "it's")
• One more: A bar is frantically trying to get entertainment for New Year's Eve. All he finds is a banjo-accordian duo. Fine. So he books the gig, everybody has a good time, the bartender says, "Hey, can you guys play here next New Years?" The duo look at each other and one says, "Sure! Can we leave our stuff here?" Thank you, thank you.
• A man is out golfing, and he's having a terrible day. Suddenly he hears a voice say, "Use a three wood." The man looks around, and sees a frog at his feet. The frog says again, "Use a three wood." The man does, and gets a hole in one. The frog continues to give the man golfing advice, and he has the best game of his life. The man says, "Gosh, frog, that was great. What should we do now?" The frog says, "Take me to Vegas." They go, and they win all night long. At the end, the man is sitting in his presidential suite, surrounded by stacks of money. "Frog," he says, "this has been the best day of my life. How can I ever repay you?" "Kiss me," says the frog. Without hesitation the man does, and the frog turns into a beautiful, naked, sixteen year old girl. And I swear, your Honor, that's how she got in my room.
• What do you say to a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Good morning, Your Honour.
• Not a bad joke, but instead one of my favorites. Two regulars sitting at the bar when a huge, musclebound dude walkds in, sits down, and orders a beer. The regulars notice him but say nothing. A few minutes later an older gentleman stumbles in off the street, weaving, obviously already drunk. He has money, though, so he sits down right next to the musclebound dude, orders a whiskey, and pays for it, and downs it in one gulp. Then he slaps the big guy on the shoulder and says, "Your mom is the best lay in town!" The regulars perk up, expecting a fight, but the musclebound guy just sighs, sips his beer, and says nothing. The drunk buys and downs another shot, then smacks the big guy on the back. "I just had sex with your mom, and it was SWEET!" The regulars really think he's gonna throw down now, but the guy just rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and sips his beer. Glug. Slap. "Your mom is such a dirty little bitch, you know what she let me do?" Finally the big guy turns to the old man and says, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk."
• stomper, I love the octopus joke, its so cute! in what way are men and linoleum tiling similar? lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life :D
• I know some really sick, inappropriate, almost certainly offensive jokes, that I have thus far refrained from sharing...
• Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts!
• What do snakes do on Christmas? Bite people!
• Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Thus, he was known as a "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".
• *encourages Medusa*
• Did you hear the one about the midget psychic who robbed a bank? Police are looking for, "a small medium at large!"
• *seconds the encouragement*
• alllllllright...you've been warned. what do you have when you have an infant in one hand and a knife in the other?
• AN ERECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• want more?
• Someone front the dead baby jokes already!
• Here. Take it away from me. I'd feel weird after Nickdanger's post.
• lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life :D *laughs, cries, gets confused*
• glad you liked that Flagpole ;) I believe that nags me post 200. oh yeah!
• NABS! NABNABNABNABNAB!!!
• I think Medusa is skipping.
• *bumps Medusa* *enjoys it*
• pervert!
• Frotteurists!
• want more? Pffft. Yes.
• Hey, medusa! What's blue and fucks babies? Me in my lucky blue suit! (that joke once got me shouted at by a complete stranger, so I reserve it for special occasions now)
• An inflatable boy goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on in the evening he wakes up in the inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down, you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down"
• *reheats dead cat*
• I know some really sick, inappropriate, almost certainly offensive jokes, that I have thus far refrained from sharing... I have a bad one... Person: What's worse than five dead babies in buckets? Person 2: I Don't know, ten? Person: No, one dead baby in five buckets.
• whats the worst part about boinking a 5 year old? getting the blood out of your clown suit.
• Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRRRRR!
• somebody please tell me a happy joke, I really need one.
• Why did Maria Shiver got married to Arnold Schwarzenegger ? They wanted to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy. I know, not happy. Oh well.
• What goes "pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, clomp?" A centipede with a wooden leg.
• So an elephant stepped on a big thorn and it stuck in her foot. A rat came by, and took the thorn out. "Thank you!" said the elephant. "I'm so happy, I'd do anything to repay you!" "Anything, eh?" said the rat. "Well, I've always wanted to boink an elephant." "Umm . . okay" said the elephant. And she wandered over to the nearest palm tree where the rat could climb up and get to business. So the rat is boinking away when a big coconut falls from the palm tree and hits the elephant on the head. "Ow!" says the elephant. The rat smacks the elephant's behind and yells, "Take it bitch!" heh heh.
• I visited my neighbors last night, tried to entertain them with a few jokes from this thread. But I couldn't think of more than a couple suitable to be told in front of their 4yo daughter. Though the one about the car locked in the garage went over well.
• Here's a good clean one: What's brown and sticky? A stick.
• whats the worst part about boinking a 5 year old? getting the blood out of your clown suit. What's the worst part about boinking a three year old? Hearing the spine buckle.
• *quietly phones authorities*
• Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A. A stick.
• yeah Capt. the variant on that one I know is "worst part of boinking a baby, hearing the pelvis crack" but hey, 6 dozen a one and half a the other as I like to say ;)
• Knock Knock Who's there? It's an Alligator, LOL ----- Okay, okay, how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other! --------
• Petebest's joke is funnier as "take it all, bitch!" as it clarifies the implication that the rat believes himself in possession of an exorbitantely large member for which the elephants vaginal cavity is too small to recieve its full girth. Also, Kitfisto's blue suite joke is a reference to the oft repeated, sick joke: What's blue and fucks babies? Cot death! Another familiar variant involves Grannies and pnuemonia.
• pooty parper.
• Oly and Sven were out in a boat. Sven falls in and starts shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!" Oly says, "Well neither can I Sven, but I don't make a big deal about it."
• Swimmist.
• two ducks flying over belfast. one says "quack quack". the other says, "i'm going as quack as i can!"
• What do frogs like to drink? Croak-a-cola What do alcholic frogs like to drink? Gin
• This post is dedicated to my buddeee: Q: What kind of gum do bees chew? A: BUMBLE gum. Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer? A: Bee-thoven. Q: Who is the bees favorite singer? A: Sting! Q: Who is the bees favorite pop group? A: The bee gees! Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk? A: An animal that stinks and stings! Q: How does a queen bee get around her hive? A: She's throne! Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say? A: Ho hum hum! Q: Why do bees hum? A: Because they've forgotten the words! Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things? A: A fumble bee! Q: What did the bee say to the flower? A: Hello honey! Q: What's a bees favorite flower? A: A bee-gonias! Q: Who writes books for little bees? A: Bee-trix Potter! What did the bee say to the other bee in summer? Swarm here, isn't it? Q: What do bees wear to the beach? A: Bee-kinis! Q: What sort of bee lives in a graveyard? A: A zombee! and finally: Bee Hive Security A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey. The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it. Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home. There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm. Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job. And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."
• * dips both hands on honey pot, applauds *
• *hereby rendered horse de combat with mirth* Hay, Blue! Whoa on ye, let us hear no mare o' this mare-velously hackneyed catalog! Fie on ye, aim none o' your Barbs at me, dear horse, shoo along, for hive better ways to spend my time, for shire. If ye canter do any better than this, ye may as well say neigh to all such hoary old chestnuts as ye've trotted out, before I bee-come arabian maniac. Best we try another tack before we develop any serious halter-cation here. For I will not look ye in the mouth, I know ye of old, that ye are a sawhorse of a delightfully different colour (manely blue, I ween) and willing to pastern the time with me. Ach, ye never shy at a shadow, my old apple oozer, but in steed stand chattin to me, standing pat to the last Caspian. Truth, I would call ye on the Bellerophon, but have not your number, so we'll stand out here Freisian harrumps off in our buckskins in these airs above the ground be cayuse we haven't the sense to come in out of the reins. Ah, my hopes like my heart are pin-to ye: if only I were your brum-bee, but ass 'tis, I'll just be saying Abyssinia to ye. <3, bees
• *applause* Beevo!
• Buzzah!
• Why did Christ die on the cross? He forgot his "safe word".
• OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA!
• One feels bee-hooved to applaud.
• Bee-hooved! HA! Wish I had said that. Bees, that was wonderful. I'd like to saddle right up and give you a kiss. ;)
• Giddy yap! *Sillouetted against a fiery red sky in the desert, GramMa lifts up Bees to the saddle, and both ride into the sunset*
• If you can't bee with the one you love, love the one who posted right after you did.
• Or, 2nd after.
• Not bee-related, but... Sad-sack man walks into a bar, puts a medium-sized box and a beat-up-lookin' lamp up beside him, orders a double-whiskey-keep-em-comin'. Another patron notices and asks, naturally, what's in the box. The guy opens the box to reveal a miniature baby grand piano and a little dude in a tuxedo, just the right size for it, who proceeds to play a beautiful rendition of some Bach or Liszt piece or other. The amazed patron says "Wow! Where'd you find him?" The sad-sack points at the lamp. "Genie," he mumbles. "One wish." "Wow!" says our repetitive patron. "You done with the lamp then?" The sad-sack nods. "Can I have it?" Another nod, another double whiskey. The patron snatches up the lamp, rubs furiously, and shouts, "I want a million bucks!" Immediately the bar is filled with innumerable (or technically numerable, but for all intents and purposes) mallards and drakes, coupled with the near-deafening quackery such an instance would naturally entail. He turns aghast to the sad-sack and shouts, "But I said bucks, BUCKS!" The sad sack smirks and replies, cooly, "Fella, do you think I honestly wanted a 12-inch pianist?" Thanks.