May 17, 2006

• Tom Hanks wooden? Standing next to Audrey Tautou? I'd be too... Hey-o! But seriously, as long as they just show her for two hours, I'll be happy. I don't need things like 'plot' or 'characters', or a code that's easier to crack than most Hardy Boy adventures.
• Prospective moviegoers who have spent time at a Web site called The Da Vinci Dialogue, the most polished of these efforts, have been informed that the story is deeply anti-Christian, a pseudo history “fraught with inaccuracies” and “spiritual tripe.” They have been offered the opinion that, of its type, the book was only “moderately engaging,” attracting fans who were easily gulled and perhaps just a bit dim. What is striking about these assertions is that they are part of a marketing project paid for by Sony Pictures Entertainment, the studio that has invested more than two hundred million dollars in producing “The Da Vinci Code” and distributing and marketing it worldwide.
• I urge a boycott of this film because it looks like it sucks.
• Oh. My. God. There's going to be a sequel?
• Probably a 'prequel'. That Angels and Demons thing. Even diehard fans of DaVinci Code think that one's lackluster, and if DVC tanks I wouldn't hold your breath for any more Dan Brown adaptations for a while.
• People, people! Will there be T&A?!?!
• You mean Tom and Audrey? Yes.
• This film will suck. It won't be nearly as good as Snakes! On A (BLEEEEP!) Plane :P
• Is that the sequel to What the (Bleep) Do We Know? Hmmm.... I like it. "What the (bleep) do we know?" "Snakes! On a (BLEEEP) Plane!" "Well, that clears that up then. Glad we had this conversation."
• How could Hanks not come off as wooden? Langdon in the book has about as much personality as the paper it's printed on (and about half the smarts). I just don't understand how anyone could find the "mysteries" and "puzzles" in this book the least bit intriguing. The entire endgame could have been avoided had any of the characters been even as smart as, let's say, Paris Hilton. (I won't give it away, but Christ, Encyclopedia Brown was decoding riddles like that while he was still in the womb.) That said, yes, I'll see the movie, but mostly because I've got lots of friends who didn't find the book head-bangingly stupid.
• head-bangingly stupid. And yet you finished the book?
• That's the trouble with not giving any prescreenings or testing the movie with audiences, if it's got stupid bits that don't play right, you'll never be able to spot it until opening night.
• And yet you finished the book? Hey, I'm no quitter! (Plus, I'll admit, Brown's cliffhanger-chapter style kept me reading whether or not I actually wanted to. I don't regret spending the six or so hours on it.)
• I think that's the real story about the success of the book. Pretty much everyone I know who read it did so in a very short span of time.
• What uncleozzy said. True story: my neighbor harangued me about the book until I agreed to borrow it from him and read it. I did. Meh. I hand it back, he asks: what'd you think? I say, well, it's pretty much a formulaic thriller with a bunch of religious mumbo-jumbo thrown in to tart it up. Him: but what about the Grail? I say, that idea's been around for a long time and while mildly intriguing if you're into that sort of thing, it's generally more jumbo than mumbo. Him: but what about the villain! Me: you mean the incredibly wealthy but crippled old dude who suckers the heroes into some sort of ill-defined nefarious plot? Have you *never* seen a James Bond movie? Him: Well, Angels and Devils is better. Me: I'll pass, thanks. But if you're into this sort of thing, try this! And I hand him Eco's Foucault's Pendulum. He never brought it up again :D
• Tomatometer currently at: 0%
• Monkeyfilter: generally more jumbo than mumbo
• The sequel is the much-awaited Boticelli Code, in which the theory is advanced that the Three Graces were lesbian polygamists.
• /collapse
• Arrested Development aside, I am distrustful of Ron Howard's directorial efforts. Ever see that episode of Stroker and Hoop?
• Hollywood Executive: "Ahem... Excuse me. Official statement: if this overbudgeted overhyped piece of drivel tanks at the box office, it is because of Internet Piracy. Thank you, good night. Oh, and you'd better go see X3 also cause I need a new yacht."
• Da Vinci Code is taking a beating on HSX.
• Come on, now, he directed Splash! That's a brilliant movie. Guy can do no wrong. All I wanna know is, who does Clint Howard play in the movie?
• Doing so-so on Metacritic -- but the lead score is from the Post, which said that it was as "every bit as brainy and irresistible as Dan Brown's controversial bestseller." Maybe that's the problem... "Guy can do no wrong." Of course -- he beat out Ridley Scott, David Lynch, AND Robert Altman for Best Director, so he's obviously brilliant. Altman -- Ritchie Cunningham won out over Altman. If that's not a sign of the Apocalypse, I don't know what is...
• YOU'LL LOUVRE IT! INTRICATE THRILLER ENOUGH TO MAKE MONA LISA SMILE-New York Post. Good fucking god, who are these monsters?
• You're forgetting that at the Post, the story is made to fit the headline pun. That's what they do. That's why we love them. *still snickering at 'Betzky', 'Papa-Ratzi the German Shepherd'*
• I will be so very glad when people stop talking about this piece of shit book. Not a snark about the thread, I'm just up to fucking here with Dan Brown. All I wanna know is, who does Clint Howard play in the movie? The one who gives me nightmares.
• A quote from here: And Paul Bettany is suitably menacing as a self-flagellating albino monk on a mission to kill. This line sounds like something produced from one of those online movie character generators.
• MonkeyFilter: a self-flagellating albino monk on a mission to kill Five cents, please!
• He should have been an albino bowler. That's much scarier.
• Albino Bowler
• But if you're into this sort of thing, try this! And I hand him Eco's Foucault's Pendulum. Yeah, I've been doing that (well, direct them to Eco's book, not actually giving out copies) to every friend and acquaintance that started raving about the Code since a few years ago. Long live the Tres!
• and mechanical avunculo-gratulation!
• This is terrible! Its only two thousand some years since JC was crucified and their already making movies that make light of the tragedy!!!! Its too soon!!!!
• and mechanical avunculo-gratulation! Ouch. Could we at least leave out the mechanical part... (ha!)
• Flag, will you PLEASE pay attention here? MonkeyFilter: mechanical avunculo-gratulation! *grumbles Do I have to do everything myself?
• > Eco's Foucault's Pendulum i liked this, but it also seemed a big rip off (though more from r.a. wilson than holy blood + holy grail)
• Yeah plus he ruins it by stating at the outset he's just making up shit. Bah, I say.
• The sequel is the much-awaited Boticelli Code, in which the theory is advanced that the Three Graces were lesbian polygamists. Bad reviews? Schmooze!
• Oh sweet Mothra, say it isn't so. *still angry at himself for giving into the hype and seeing that stinker that not even Audrey Tautou could save*
• *succumbs* Veni. Vidi. Vinci.
• Guess I'll wait for the alternate version... link goes to Warren Ellis' blog, so you know what to expect.
• NSFW & NSF-easily-offended-catholics, in other words
• Pirates quibble amongst themselves over quality of Da Vinci Code
• I thought that was going to be a re-cut of the film, like the Jar-Jar-less EP1. Meh.
• The sequel is the much-awaited Boticelli Code, in which the theory is advanced that the Three Graces were lesbian polygamists. And they even have a sequel to that: The Bacon Code. In this movie they discover that there is a treasure trove of Bacon in Francis Bacon's studio made out of Bacon. Bacon then is exhumed and blown into Bacon bits, from which, each bit of Bacon is then reassembled into a Bacon Jesus, replete with moving Bacon parts, sort of like a Bacon pop-up book. Turns out Pope Innocent X did it. That's why he's screaming, "Bacon!" in the painting. No lie: Bacon.
• InsolentChimp! you forgot to tell everyone about Kevin Bacon's awesome portrayal of Bacon in The Bacon Code, which naturally reveals (the code, that is) the way in which all things in the universe are separated by no more than six degrees from the porcine holiness that is BACON!
• Monkeyfilter: Porcine holiness
• Turns out Pope Innocent X did it. Yeah, you gotta figure anyone named "Innocent" probably isn't. Kinda like calling a short guy "Stretch."