May 14, 2006

The President of the United States of America Addresses the nation. (Video - Quicktime) And in WMV format. Transcript inside ►

President Al Gore: Good evening, my fellow Americans. In 2000 when you overwhelmingly made the decision to elect me as your 43rd president, I knew the road ahead would be difficult. We have accomplished so much, yet challenges lie ahead. In the last 6 years we have been able to stop global warming. No one could have predicted the negative results of this. Glaciers that once were melting are now on the attack. As you know, these renegade glaciers have already captured parts of upper Michigan and northern Maine, but I assure you: we will not let the glaciers win. Right now, in the 2nd week of May 2006, we are facing perhaps the worst gas crisis in history. We have way too much gasoline. Gas is down to 19 cents a gallon and the oil companies are hurting. I know that I am partly to blame by insisting that cars run on trash. I am therefore proposing a federal bailout to our oil companies because - hey, if it were the other way around, you know the oil companies would help us. On a positive note, we worked hard to save Welfare, fix Social Security and of course provide the free universal health care we all enjoy today. But all this came at a high cost. As I speak, the gigantic national budget surplus is down to a perilously low 11 trillion dollars. And don't get any ideas. That money is staying in the very successful lockbox. We're not touching it. Of course, we could give economic aid to China, or lend money to the Saudis... again. But right now we're already so loved by everyone in the world that American tourists can't even go over to Europe anymore without getting hugged. There are some of you that want to spend our money on some made-up war. To you I say: what part of "lockbox" don't you understand? What if there's a hurricane or a tornado? Unlikely I know because of the Anti-Hurricane and Tornado Machine I was instrumental in helping to develop. But what if? What if the scientists are right and one of those giant glaciers hits Boston? That's why we have the lockbox! As for immigration, solving that came at a heavy cost, and I personally regret the loss of California. However, the new Mexifornian economy is strong and el Presidente Schwarznegger is doing a great job. There have been some setbacks. Unfortunately, the confirmation process for Supreme Court Justice Michael Moore was bitter and devisive. However, I could not be more proud of how the House and Senate pulled together to confirm the nomination of Chief Justice George Clooney. Baseball, our national passtime, still lies under the shadow of steroid accusations. But I have faith in baseball commissioner George W. Bush when he says, "We will find the steroid users if we have to tap every phone in America!" In 2001 when I came into office, our national security was the most important issue. The threat of terrorism was real. Who knew that six years later, Afghanistan would be the most popular Spring Break destination? Or that Six Flags Tehran is the fastest growing amusement park in the Middle East? And the scariest thing we Americans have to fear is ... Live From New York, its Saturday Night!

posted by Chyren 18 years ago
  • Cute and silly, but let's not fool ourselves -- Al Gore's got plenty of oil money in his pockets, too..
  • Thank god he's taking care of that lockbox.
  • "but let's not fool ourselves" Of course. But the point is, he would be better than the asshole they have now. Mind you, anybody would be better than the asshole they have now. Fucking glove puppet would be better.
  • Well, yeah, Gore's not spot-free, but it's what he symbolizes that makes him a great vessle for this message. But you do have to admit that Gore's idea of funny is less lame than Bush's. (And don't try to tell me that Gore simply had better writers.)
  • Er...vessel. Yeah.
  • This is not funny. In fact, semi-well known moderate liberal professors of American culture have already pronounced it lame and too long. As goes Ann Outhouse, so goes the wing-nut-ocracy later today.
  • funny, when i read Ann and outhouse, i expected to read something by a blonde with vapid opinions... but i was expecting this vapid blonde Ann....
  • Oh man, I'd forgotten about The Lockbox. I wonder how different things really would be under Gore's leadership.
  • Glove Puppet in '08!
  • Reality aside, I found this quite amusing.
  • Mark my words, Gore will be the one to beat in 2008. Monica doesn't matter anymore. He can now run on his and Bill's economy, peace and prosperity. He's loosened up tremendously. 6 years ago he would have never done SNL. He was so wooden he had termites. He's now actually funny, interesting, compelling and whip smart. He's a Southern Democrat. I know, I know, he lost his own state last time. I don't think that would happen now. He can run on the "Re-Elect Gore for President" ticket. He can change his cachet with the American people from "loser" to "it was stolen from me", especially with us pissed off progressives. What else do we have, Hillary? Big, big mistake to run her. She still angers too many middle American voters to win, even if she captures the left. Gore is a moderate and that is the way the country will be voting this election. We never vote far left, and we've had far right for too long. I see a Gore/Edwards ticket. And unless McCain personally goes to Pakistan and pulls Ossama out of his ass, Gore is going to win. Anyone care to wager a bet with ol' Squiddy?
  • And it obviously also poked fun at the idea that the world would be so much better under Al Gore.
  • Fucking glove puppet would be better. Better than the one now where we can see the strings?
  • me nostrils be stuffed up, feathers float like gossamer truthies on the internets as the front page gets slapped with yet another dead chicken. i give to the roadside homeless and scattered poor soul but yet, yet they follow me home and stare at me through the monitor with such pleading eyes! oh, love me, love me!
  • *adjusts dark glasses, sips espresso, snaps fingers*
  • If Gore had won and September 11th occurred, then I think that Clinton/Gore would have been blamed for allowing it to happen by a lot of people.
  • Clinton already *has been* blamed for allowing to happen by many wingnuts.
  • Speaking as a self-titled wingnut, I don't really blame anyone in the US government for 9-11. But I think that there would have been a lot of "not on our watch" from the Republicans had Gore been in office. In fact, that probably would have been their 2004 campaign slogan.
  • Part of the what if include's what if he was given just as free reign to do what ever the hell he wanted, just like bush was given. Then we'd have the cars that run on trash and whatnot.
  • Gore did Letterman back in the day. I think he called Dave a "pinhead", so he wasn't really THAT wooden 6 years ago. Sigh...what a hillariously depressing bit of video. It made me want to laugh, but that's hard to do when you're holding your head in despair.
  • That's really gonna work for 'em.. heheh
  • "Gore Is Full of Crap." Inhofe knows God's will, so it must be true (he must be pleased with recent events.)
  • BENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • So wait . . is global warming real or a liberal plot?!
  • Yes
  • Reality has a well known liberal bias.
  • I have never figured out why politicians don't show this side of themselves until their political life is over. If Gore had showed just a little of this humor when he was running for president I have no doubt that he would have won.
  • Warming Trend When the ex-veep testified on the Hill yesterday, he was trailed by hordes of reporters. His arrival was heralded by a front-page New York Times story on how he is "a heartbreak loser turned Oscar boasting Nobel hopeful globe trotting pop culture eminence." He even has a new nickname: the Goracle.
  • "Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. The goal is global carbon tax. The goal is the United Nations running the world. That is the goal. Back in the 1930s, the goal was get rid of all of the Jews and have one global government." He continued: "You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler's plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore's enemy, the U.N.'s enemy: global warming." Beck added: "Then you get the scientists -- eugenics. You get the scientists -- global warming. Then you have to discredit the scientists who say, 'That's not right.' And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did." Yeah, and that's probably the last time I'll waste the time to think about Glen Godwin or whatever his name is. (Except to say this: could he look any more like the guy who threw spitballs at you in class, and thought it was hilarious? Sheez, it's uncanny how his facial features scream "asshole") Of course he's a commentator on a news channel. Of course he is.